My partner is suspicious..

[Anxiouslife]

I’ve just gone back to work, it’s been 3 weeks. I’m a manager and I asked for help from another manager in regards to something and he was like “why couldn’t you go to female manager why him?” (I did reach out to her first but she was busy) then the same day one manager was off for half a day and my manager mentioned on a call his back and my partner began telling me to show him because he thought I lied about him being off today and he saw I wasn’t lying he was off for half a day. I was enjoying work but now I’m hesitant about who I turn to for help just triggers my anxiety. Although I’m doing nothing wrong

I took our boy out to the park when I came back he implied I had changed into sexy underwear to go out and then changed out of them when I came back but again he was proven wrong

He accused me of sleeping with someone when I haven’t because there is a video of a girl who’s face isn’t in it but her back looks like mine and again I had to reassure him I didn’t everytime stuff like this happens I tell him to stop and he says it won’t happen again and it does

Today I was sat on the sofa and I got a tattoo a year ago it’s a flower behind my ear stem says “me” and I noticed him constantly staring, touching stretching it trying to make out what it may say when it literally says me so I know that is the next thing “what does that tattoo say” (as it’s italic) so before he can come at me I got my tattoo artist to send me the screenshot of when I messaged him about it.

please don’t be horrible because this all already makes me anxious.

You and he are not in a good place . You are the victim in an abusive relationship.

He will not change - this is who he is. He treated his last partner like this and he will do it with the next. It’s not your fault.

Please speak to women’s aid and make a plan to get him out your house. You need expert advice because even once you get him out, he will try to control you through your child.

I suspect he will stalk you , so you need to be prepared for this and have a plan to deal with it.

If you are not ready to leave yet, please go and get some counselling for yourself . That’s if your partner will allow you to do this without telling him what’s it’s about. There’s no point in going if you have to tell him what you are talking about, it needs to be private.

Absolutely. Deflecting and projecting - textbook tactic.

OP he’s a controlling gaslighting bully and this won’t change, it will just get worse.

Does he smoke weed or take cocaine? This could contribute to him feeling paranoid.

He's constantly trying to make you prove a negative (that you haven't cheated) but it is impossible to prove a negative, and trying to do so will make a person feel anxious and crazy. He's abusive and controlling and your mental health issues are probably in large part down to him.

Throw him out and please get good counseling. No one should live like this.

Life's too bloody short for this crap! It's only going to get worse

The title of this thread should be 'My partner is abusive'. Please look for a way of escaping him and tell someone close to you what he is doing.

He also accused me of when I go to my moms house he thinks I text people or someone or whatever because I have a old phone there (no sim? No number on it, no WhatsApp) nothing I deleted my WhatsApp and got rid of the number altogether but he says even if the number no longer exists when you delete WhatsApp and get rid of your number if you re download WhatsApp you can restore it with the number that used to be on it (not sure how true that is) but anyways I don’t even know where that phone is I don’t live there my family have been getting work done in the house everything is moved around and all my old stuff they have thrown out my old room but he says I haven’t brought that phone to him so that’s what I must be doing. And thinks I’m up to no good at my moms when I go to my moms I be scared to even step out the door I don’t even go anywhere with my mom like shops or whatever when I’m there just incase he thinks otherwise. I haven’t been down my moms since 9th of may and I used to go once a week.

You are in an abusive relationship.

Take your boy and go to your mums now.

@Anxiouslife like everyone else has said you are in an abusive controlling relationship. He is transferring his own guilt for what he's done to you onto you and saying you are the one who has cheated. Please tell him to leave and don't feel sorry for booting him out of your and your family's lives. He's caused this not you. He isn't a nice guy and it won't get better.

This is what men who murder their girlfriends are like when they're alive.

@Anxiouslife This is not normal. sorry. You need to wait for a time you are both relaxed and bring this subject up to knock it on its head.

Everybody is warning you about him on here, so what's stopping you from going to your mum with your little boy?
I know it's not always black and white like that but he is only going to get worse and I think you know that.

You need to find a way to get out and stay out. Before he really hurts you.

This Is an abusive relationship OP.

He sounds terrifying. What more do you want us to say?

IME when a man is suspicious of their partner having an affair, they are usually projecting & trying to justify their own cheating ways.

He’s abusive and most likely cheating on you.

You’re very unsafe, that puts your child at risk of harm too.

You need to get out. I’m not sure you’re listening though to the posts all saying the same thing.

He is nasty.

He's devastatingly insecure. Life must be hell for him - and he's dragging you into his hell. I think you have few options. First, he needs to get help for his mental health problem. If he won't do that, then I'm sorry but you're going to have to leave - because the last resort of staying and putting up with it will destroy you.

If when your son grows up he has a partner who stops him from coming to see you, what would you want him to do?

I'm going to blow your mind here @Anxiouslife . He doesn't actually think for a second that you're texting other people every second you're out of his sight.

But by convincing you he does, he's got you so focused on defending yourself, you're completely off balance and there's no time or energy to think about him or his behaviour. Then it very quickly becomes a favourite tactic every time he feels even a little bit bad about himself - he'll turn it on you, and persuade both of you that it's your fault. I'm pretty sure that he has started to believe it himself, but remember that he does this because it works well for him to throw all of his shite onto you, so he will never stop this behaviour no matter how impeccably behaved YOU are.

He finds it satisfying to keep you in a spin.

Does he smoke weed or does he do coke? Or drink most nights?

Screenshotting everything - he’s one paranoid shit head

Oh my gosh @BattleofBeamfleot you have blown my mind! If you scroll up you will see my previous situation. My ex was an alcoholic, useless AH after our baby was born and the cheating accusations kept coming after her arrival! The fact he felt I had time to have one affair, let alone multiple affairs with a newborn jn lockdown is laughable enough! What you have written has just flipped my thought process to thinking he was paranoid to he was paranoid but also a major manipulative see you next Tuesday (which I knew already)! May I ask, have you gone through similar?

Luckily not personally @5hrssleepaverage but I am not young. I've seen it a couple of times in my life in situations close to me (and read about it even more).

One man I'd never met before even came right out and told me he did this in relationships (yes, plural!) at a mutual friend's party when we'd had a few drinks and got chatting, but it took me about a decade to look back on it and really understand exactly what he was telling me.

At the time I thought he was cute, and maybe talking himself down because he was single and lonely. So naive! I was late 20s, he was late 30s. Fortunately we never met again.

It would be another five years or so before I first came across the phrase "when someone tells you who they are, believe them". I'm far more clear-eyed these days. Men do this because it suits them to do it, and it's only ever for their own purposes and not for any reason starting with a (blameless) partner.

Don't ever look back and think his pattern thinking was even slightly justified because you "put the phone down" too much. He created that anxiety in you, needling you about the phone usage because it suited him to do it and he liked to get a reaction from you. In some way, that fed his own needs, and he'd have done that exact same behaviour with you or any other woman who might have been there in some Sliding-Doors version of your life.

@BattleofBeamfleot thank you SO much! I still have to co parent with my ex. It is so hard, as I am the stable parent and try and create a routine for my child. He decided to move away and is heavily in debt, so pays nothing + the amount of times he's let me down over the past two years is crazy! However, because I put boundaries in place he sends me lengthy messages about how I've made him feel so depressed/hopes I never in a situation like this/I'm nasty/evil/mental/need help etc! It's mentally exhausting and at the end of it I just worry I'm going to lose my daughter to him! Men like this are very damaging and dangerous because they genuinely think they are perfect and have done nothing wrong!

I honestly cannot believe what I have read, you must be going through an awful anxious time.
Just remember this is HIS problem not yours. You are not doing anything wrong and he will end up dragging you down. I know this because I was accused of having sex at work because my elbows were red. I binned him off after 8 years.

Is there anything other than starting work that has triggered this? Maybe advise that he needs to get some help or you will have to consider leaving him as its not healthy and ridiculous