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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner is suspicious..

76 replies

Anxiouslife · 21/07/2023 21:16

I’ve just gone back to work, it’s been 3 weeks. I’m a manager and I asked for help from another manager in regards to something and he was like “why couldn’t you go to female manager why him?” (I did reach out to her first but she was busy) then the same day one manager was off for half a day and my manager mentioned on a call his back and my partner began telling me to show him because he thought I lied about him being off today and he saw I wasn’t lying he was off for half a day. I was enjoying work but now I’m hesitant about who I turn to for help just triggers my anxiety. Although I’m doing nothing wrong

I took our boy out to the park when I came back he implied I had changed into sexy underwear to go out and then changed out of them when I came back but again he was proven wrong

He accused me of sleeping with someone when I haven’t because there is a video of a girl who’s face isn’t in it but her back looks like mine and again I had to reassure him I didn’t everytime stuff like this happens I tell him to stop and he says it won’t happen again and it does

Today I was sat on the sofa and I got a tattoo a year ago it’s a flower behind my ear stem says “me” and I noticed him constantly staring, touching stretching it trying to make out what it may say when it literally says me so I know that is the next thing “what does that tattoo say” (as it’s italic) so before he can come at me I got my tattoo artist to send me the screenshot of when I messaged him about it.

please don’t be horrible because this all already makes me anxious.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 22/07/2023 05:56

@5hrssleepaverage I don’t know. But it sadly is an established pattern.

LucyLongbody · 22/07/2023 06:20

This won't get better.
I had one like this, thank god it was years ago before WFH and mobiles were a thing or it would have been much worse.
I put up with it for 6 years.

Never, ever again.

You have to finish it, he will take over your life and ruin your mental health.

Tresto · 22/07/2023 06:36

You need to split up from the man. He may be projecting or paranoid - regardless you don’t need this shit.

Snowpatrolling · 22/07/2023 07:04

Could he be cheating on you?
my ex husband was accusing me of cheating for months before we split, turned out it was him!
either way get out of this relationship, it’s not health for you or your child.

WilkinsonM · 22/07/2023 07:05

This is domestic abuse. How long have you been with him? Kids, mortgage?

Opentooffers · 22/07/2023 07:22

There's nothing you can do about what is his paranoia. No magic way you can behave that will change his behaviour. Your choice is put up with it and be more anxious, or leave.
If this is a sudden change in his behaviour, it could well be transference.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/07/2023 07:23

I married a paranoid idiot and had 4 children with him. We were together for nearly 25 years and he never, never learned that I could be trusted. When we were getting divorced he showed me the "evidence" he had collected - it was two decades of scribbled notes of things I had apparently done or said, or that he'd misinterpreted, that "proved" I was up to something (not always clear what, but often infidelity). It weirded me out big time, but I would have been entertained by a court's reaction if he'd wheeled that out.

Bottom line, if that's what they want to believe or can't help believing, it never gets better. Possibly some serious therapy may have helped, but he would have died rather than accepted it was HIS problem.

AccidentallySuckedTheStrippersDick · 22/07/2023 09:14

@5hrssleepaverage

It's because they know they have you firmly in their grasp. Most women once they've decided to keep the pregnancy will tolerate just about anything for the illusion of the perfect family unit. They justify the first states of terrible behaviour by saying things like " well he's probably scared/stressed/worried". Then after the awful bad behaviour these abusive are hills turn on the charm, cry, apologise and love bomb the woman, often while showing them with gifts/empty promises. This creates an addictive cycle where the victim tolerated the abuse as the "payoff", the good bits very quickly come around and release dopamine which chases away the scared feeling.

Without meaning to be offensive to any women at all, it's a lot like an abusive dog owner. ( best analogy I could think of) That poor pup just wants to be loved, they are loyal and will cower and shake while still walking towards their owner knowing full well that they are in for a beating. But they do it as they are programmed to love and do as they are told. And the more that owner hurts them, the more reliant they become as their entire personality is chipped away and they become more and more dependent on the few tiny crumbs of attention they get after the pain.

This is why for children, boundaries are so important. By teaching firm boundaries and self confidence, assertiveness and a strong sense of self worth, we raise a generation of girls that know not to tolerate mens poor behaviour and we raise a generation of boys that know that women are people and deserve respect . This is why it's vital that the entire #benice movement just pusses off as it's GIRLS and WOMEN that are taught to be nice and by doing that we pander to men who most certainly are not raised to be nice.

Original poster
Anxiouslife · 22/07/2023 11:05

My partners story is similar. For like a month or so his been telling me to bend over because I have a skin tag and his worried and etc several times he would look at the upper part of my bum and have a flash on and stuff and say stuff like oh I’m just concerned etc and then in an argument last month he said “I’ve got your sex tape” or something along the lines of that I was so baffled because I hadn’t made one prior to being with him let alone one whilst with him so I knew he was lying 1000% because i mean I would’ve known right if I had done something like that right? And then he said it was sent to him on Instagram from a fake account or something and said the name was my name and my area and it’s on xxhamster or something and then he showed me it and said how it looks like my back as it’s got the same stretch marks and same whatever else but I knew it wasnt me because I had never made one so I was reassuring him it wasnt and then he began saying ok but maybe you didn’t know it was being recorded (doggy position) I was certain I would’ve known you know? There was a song in the background etc I just would’ve known that’s that but I knew it’s not me and he said he sat on this for months. I just thought it was horrible how he could think it’s me. I mean he says he believes me now but with the work accusations etc i know he doesn’t. When he told me about the sex tape he also said that’s why he had been looking at my back to see resemblance etc. gobsmacked!!! Disgusted idk

OP posts:
RosieCockle · 22/07/2023 11:07

He sounds vile. Bin the fucker.

AnxiousShep · 22/07/2023 11:14

Why are you still with him? Please get away, safely.

Original poster
Anxiouslife · 22/07/2023 11:17

Oh and he had this “sex tape” of mine on this phone BUT didn’t have the screenshots of who sent it to him on insta or anything and he now doesn’t have insta anyway but said at the time he didn’t take a screenshot of the chat and he screenshots EVERYTHING!!!!!! He went through my stuff and screenshot things and photos of me and people from when I didn’t even know him from like 6/7 years ago so ofc he would have a screenshot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anxiouslife · 22/07/2023 11:22

I’ve just been hoping for change, it’s the toxic cycle of wanting a joint family unit but I understand this isn’t healthy. He really tries and stuff in other aspects but I’m starting to think I can’t live a life constantly proving myself for things I haven’t done. I said to him what if one day I haven’t done something and I can’t prove it and his response was that wouldn’t change anything between us we would be ok but his not seeing that this isn’t normal? We’ve lied to one another in the past when we were in a bad place (mine has never been around cheating though, I’ve never been a cheat his has been around being with other females and lying about stuff like that) so he says he thinks these things because of that stuff but I don’t understand as if we are in a good place and I DONT accuse him of things that I can because he did cheat (says it wasn’t sexual) then why is accusing me of this stuff? I don’t make him feel on edge constantly thinking oh what she going to blame me of next so why am I having to go through it

OP posts:
Original poster
Anxiouslife · 22/07/2023 11:24

I’ve made him apart of my family. He doesn’t have his own my parents accept him and like him and I’ve brought him into it so he doesn’t feel alone and this is what he thinks of me? I’m just so hurt and always anxious and I get it’s not normal I just find it all so hard I’m always go go go and never get a moment for myself or to stop and think

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 22/07/2023 11:27

Is it all because you like the attention? There is nothing that makes any sense why you are still together

pinkyredrose · 22/07/2023 11:28

Do you have joint tenancy?

rainbowstardrops · 22/07/2023 11:29

Is this a new relationship or has he been like this from the beginning?
I agree, he's probably the root cause of your anxiety. I wouldn't be able to live a life under constant scrutiny.

Original poster
Anxiouslife · 22/07/2023 11:30

What attention? And @pinkyredrose the tenancy is in my name

OP posts:
Original poster
Anxiouslife · 22/07/2023 11:32

He wasn’t like this at the beginning this all started during our bad patch but it wasn’t this bad or there wasn’t accusations but it was when I was pregnant the accusations and stuff have started after having our baby and after he got caught doing what he was doing last year in aug so these started a few months after that but the ones I’ve listed have been all within the last 5 months

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 22/07/2023 11:34

This is coercive and controlling behaviour

Please report to the police and get him out of the house and out of your life xx

WilkinsonM · 22/07/2023 11:35

Everything about this relationship is so awful there is nothing constructive to say apart from please find the strength to end it!

BryceQuinlan · 22/07/2023 11:35

Get him out before he hurts either of you.

pinkyredrose · 22/07/2023 11:48

Anxiouslife · 22/07/2023 11:30

What attention? And @pinkyredrose the tenancy is in my name

Tell him to leave them. He's making your life a misery

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/07/2023 12:01

This is who he is and he will not change. He merely gave you a nice man act designed to draw you in. Pregnancy and or birth are flashpoints for abusive men to show their true nature as he thinks he has you then. You and in turn your child are being controlled and otherwise abused by this individual who wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

How can you be helped here into getting rid of this man once and for all?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/07/2023 12:05

Are your parents supportive of you?. If so tell your parents the truth about this man and your abusive relationship with him. Abuse like this thrives also in secrecy, time to bust this wide open now.

Do not ever do mediation with this man re your child.
Once he is out of your day to day life do not enter into any further relationship till you have sorted out both your life and boundaries. Men like this can and do wreck boundaries leaving you at risk of being further abused. Please look at and do the Freedom Programme and talk to Women’s Aid.

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