PLEASE HELP! Home falling apart due to in-laws involvement

[2023MNU]

** I put this in the 'parenting' board but was kindly reminded I might get more responses here, so I'm gonna try that as well!

This is going to be very long to make sure I don't miss out any details, so sorry in advance!

In many, many ways, my partner is the perfect person for me. I could tell you 1000 things I admire about him! We have been together for almost 7 years and have a daughter together, as well as his son (my stepson) who lives with us almost full-time (23 days a month), which I was very aware of upon entering the relationship back then and have no issues with - apart from the never-ending shit I endure from his legitimately barefaced and manipulative ex-wife.

We live very, VERY close to his parents, I'd say practically neighbours. They are super lovely, and bar clear language barriers preventing a deeper relationship, we have a good relationship. I genuinely love them and look up to them. I could not imagine better in-laws and am so happy my kids get to learn from and bond with them. They are always happy to help with anything and everything! But their involvement in our lives is too much for me, and I feel very unhappy.

I was always raised to be very independent and have longed for my own family unit as long as I can remember. However, as my in-laws practically raised my stepson when his biological mother chose to no longer prioritise him, and my husband had to work late hours, they stepped in. I deeply commend this and appreciate their special (almost parental) bond with my stepson. However, I have now lived with my partner for years, and I feel they try to hold on to it which interferes with our daily family routines. I would like to just express how I completely understand that it's sentimental for them upon delving into more specifics, so you don't think I'm cold or neglectful of the impact they've had in his life.

However, they keep ALL his clothes at their place, including underwear, which means I have to literally go to their house or call them every time I need clothes for him, which is of course every day may I add. They insist(!) on washing all his clothes, which is of course incredibly kind, but he sees me as his mother and yet I have to ask his grandparents for everything needed for him, which I just find incredibly weird. Also, it's just a hassle for me. I tried to look past this for the better of their relationship and to not hurt anyone's feelings. But they also want to bring food for him every day (and for me as well, even though I've expressed I don't need it), including fruits and vitamins. Even on days they've accepted me providing food for him, they'll still come with fruits etc., even if they can literally see I've already given him fruits. And then they might stay for a chat. They will knock on the door about 6 times a day to help with things - never to be intrusive, only to help with things (like drop off some water or snacks they very kindly decided to get for me) but it SO feels like it nonetheless! Literally, they are in and out of the house at least 3 times a day, sometimes MIL is comfortable walking into our bedroom to get something - I don't know if this is just a personal thing, but that's just a big no no/invasion of privacy for me! They are always in our garden (they have grown herbs there and take care of it daily + need it for their cooking, which preserves our garden nicely, but also means they're always there). They're part of EVERYTHING, even a simple pool-day in the garden, where they will without fail always face-time or invite other family members to join, unless it's out and about in town. And of course, I don't want to be the bitch saying "no, uninvite your family members!" They will look inside our windows as well from time to time to check on the kids. Basically, they're always there. And despite how lovely they are, I know I can't live a life like this.

I understand they will always hold a maternal/paternal role to him, but I feel it's time to "let go", as I feel it's interfering with the way I envisioned I was going to lead a family life. I so crave the feeling of just being a family unit - parents and kids - without the grandparents. Don't get me wrong, I think it's GREAT they've got a strong bond, but this is just too much for me. I don't WANT all the help, and ultimately don't need it. I very much take pride in independence and feel I'm living like a child, depending on them for everything.

I've told them a million times to please not worry and that I'm happy to take care of everything, but they never listen. Either they 1) think I'm just saying it to be nice, 2) perhaps to insist on helping out as he's not my biological child, 3) as they're holding onto the past. All understandable and from a good place. But I can't live like this. So for a long time, I've started "dumping" him on them as I just find it easier than having them in and out all day as I just get in a bad mood which, sadly, reflects on my parenting (which if of course my own shortcoming, I just can't help it).

I'm sure many of you are wondering what my partner is saying. Basically, due to cultural differences and having grown up around more communal family values (which there's NOTHING wrong with, just not something I want for myself), he's on their side. And I'm happy to compromise on some things, but it doesn't seem like that can happen without causing havoc. I've talked to him many times and he says not to worry, they're only doing it to help my life be easier, and that it's good for them to have something to do (for example, clean his clothes and choose outfits, outfits I oftentimes hate btw but that's besides the point). I'm always met with the reminder of THEIR INTENTIONS, which in my opinion is just dismissive of my feelings because I never dispute their lovely intentions, but I just don't want that kind of family dynamic. In heated arguments, he's stated it's good we have them because I'm not "the kind of mother who just gets things done", which is so deeply hurtful because I know I am, I've just decided to let them help with stepson a lot because I AM a mother who wishes to get things done myself and can't stand the in-and-out of house policy, i.e. why I now ask for their help constantly. And that's probably my own fault, making it seem like I'm over-reliant on them, when really, I wish the opposite. Also, I find it offensive as I literally have taken on a full child as my own and have dealt with so much shit because of the biological mum. Not that he doesn't appreciate my help, but in me taking on that role, and stepson loving me so much, I feel I should be able to "act as" his mum and not have to rely on grandparents for that. No?

I entered into this relationship wanting a family unit, which I made clear knowing how closeby his parents live, i.e. a life very much integrated with his parents', however, with clear home boundaries. He, however, also insists he made it clear how integrated he wanted our lives to be with his parents, which I simply refuse to believe because I would never have wanted to live like this. I never expected them to be around so much. Maybe we misunderstood each other entirely back then. Maybe I was naive. So we've simply managed to literally not understand each other's family wishes, and now we're here, unhappy with kids, which just breaks me for the kids' sake. I miss privacy and I'm unhappy. But I also don't want to imagine the heartache a split would cause the kids, making me feel like I should just stay grateful for their help, have happy kids, and keep my mouth shut.

I'd literally rather all of you say I'm an ungrateful cow and reflect on that, than keep this all to myself. I need some kind of advice or personal opinions from people I don't know, to ensure I get unbiased viewpoints.

I didn’t read it all but it seems you may be underestimating the bond they have with your stepson. It’s a very close, almost parental one and as such cannot/should not be left in the past or toned down in some way as you would appear to want. This bond and it’s current closeness is important and treasured by your stepson and partner too. I can understand some of your frustration… the clothes thing especially. Why not get him a few items to keep at yours and you wash/store them? There are many compromises that can be forged in this situation so no one is left out or hard done by. Hth

I'm sure they are well-intentioned in their own minds, but it sounds awful. I actually think this kind of invasive behavior is not as well-intentioned as it appears. It is selfishness, arrogance, ego, control, maybe even narcissism, rationalising itself as generosity.

I'm sure other people will weigh in with some clearer thinking but, at first blush, it sounds to me like your problem is that you are not allowed to have any boundaries here. They invade your space 6 times per day, without asking. They invite people to your home without checking with you. They look through your windows and walk into your bedroom (!!!!!). It is extremely invasive of your privacy as a person. And your husband is, more or less, saying that if you will not accept this utter lack of boundaries in your private spaces, that you do not love your stepson.

I actually am not sure if this can be fixed, as your husband does not seem open to acknowledging your basic right to have boundaries over ANYTHING in your own home. However, if I were to start somewhere, with things that are the easiest to defend and carry out, it would be with people walking into your bedroom. I think you should tell your husband that it is not acceptable to you to have his parents in your bedroom. I think that the way your husband responds to this should give you some information about how much headway you will make on this, as your bedroom is the easiest boundary to justify. His parents have no need to be in your bedroom to care for their grandchild. There's just no excuse for them to be in there. It's a total violation of your privacy and it is treating you like you are a Nothing.

Another "easy" thing you can do is buy some clothing for your stepson and keep it at your home. If his parents try to take it away, say that you understand they are attached to the clothing they bought for their grandchild, but that it is inconvenient to have to go to their home every time you need underwear for him, so you bought him some clothing. It is clothing you bought and you own it. They cannot steal it. Again, how they all respond to this will give you some information about how difficult this fight is going to be.

Even if you did agree to have an "integrated" life with his parents, that does not include having to go to their house to get every pair of underwear. The comment about you not being the type of mum who gets things done is really "off" and insulting, and personally I would be highly offended by that. Your husband is enforcing these really deep incursions on your efficiency (having to go to his mum's house every time you need clothing for your stepson) and then blaming you for the resulting inefficiency.

It sounds like your husband is what's called "enmeshed" with his parents, especially his mum. Google it. You'll be enlightened.

Wow. I feel for you. I couldn't live like that and my parents are quite close.

However if you DH doesn't agree then I don't think there is much you can do to change the set up with the kid. I'd be suggesting he moves in with them full time and perhaps comes to you the odd weekend. But on the understanding that they butt out of the rest of your lives.

Difficult one and a sad story for the kid whatever happens.

@ArcticSkewer @titchy Huh? Not sure whether to be offended or flattered by this lol

@Wheresmyguavagone @aloris @LittleOwl153 Some GREATinput here that I really appreciate you taking the time to write!!!!

he's on their side. And I'm happy to compromise on some things, but it doesn't seem like that can happen without causing havoc. I've talked to him many times and he says not to worry,

I'm sorry OP i stopped reading here.

The parent has spoken. You need him to back you and he won't. Nothing can or will change unless he/they decide it.

To be brutally honest OP, it sounds like everyone is happy with this situation except you. I'm afraid that, in their eyes, makes you the problem. Culturally this is the norm for this family.

Don't get me wrong, I would hate this. Actually, I wouldn't tolerate it and I would have ended the relationship immediately when this started happening. But for whatever reason you chose to carry on.

You can probably make some small changes like a pp has suggested. But overall nothing much is going to change so you probably need to decide if you can continue like this or if you leave. It doesn't sound like your DP is willing to change even if you leave to be frank.

It really, really does.

Here you go, op ....

It's clear that you're feeling overwhelmed and unhappy with the current family dynamic, and that's completely understandable. Your desire for more privacy and independence is valid, and it's essential to find a solution that works for everyone involved. The bond between your stepson and his grandparents is undoubtedly precious, but it's also essential to establish clear boundaries for your family's well-being.
Communication is key in resolving this situation. Sit down with your partner and express your feelings openly and honestly. Let him know that you appreciate his parents' involvement but explain how it's affecting your happiness and the family's daily routines. Try to find a compromise where you can maintain a positive relationship with the in-laws while also establishing some personal space and boundaries at home.
Consider discussing practical solutions, like having a set schedule for visits or finding ways to keep some of your stepson's essentials at home. Be understanding of your partner's cultural background, but also emphasize the importance of creating a family unit that respects everyone's needs and desires.
Remember that finding a balance may take time and patience, but open communication and willingness to compromise can pave the way for a happier family life. Seek support from a professional counselor or therapist if needed to help navigate these complex emotions and find solutions that work for all of you.
Take care of yourself and your family, and remember that it's okay to ask for help and seek guidance during challenging times. You deserve to find a situation that brings you contentment and harmony in your family life.

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Your husband’s inertia when it comes to his parents as well as FOG (fear obligation and guilt) when it comes to his parents hurts him as much as you. He certainly does not have your back here when it comes to his parents and deigns to them. He is really a mouse of a man and also likely reverts to child mode in their presence. I would also suggest you read about enmeshed family units because you’re certainly describing one here re your husband and his parents.

Would you have tolerated a friend doing this? Probably not and your in-laws are no different. Regardless of culture and this has nothing to do with that what you’re describing here is dysfunctional. They’re basically thinking that you are incapable of actually doing anything re running a home and do not trust you at all to do any of it properly. Their help therefore is anything but.

I am wondering why you have described your in-laws in such glowing terms when they are clearly not like you describe at all. They’re not helping, they are imposing their will and wishes on you. I would also think that your stepson in particular picks up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken.

Your boundaries re them are way too low and need urgent revising upwards. Abuse is no respecter or culture or creed and you’re being abused and or otherwise mistreated by these people. This is therefore not a sustainable relationship and your resentment of both your h and his parents will increase exponentially. At the very least both mental and physical distance are needed.

The only problem with that approach Arctic is the presumption that both the husband and his parents are emotionally healthy people who are also reasonable.

Emotionally healthy people do not behave like these in-laws have done towards both the op in particular and their son, who has also been harmed emotionally by this behaviour.

I can't tell you how eye-opening all your comments are... Sorry, not a lot to say right now, just taking it all in!

Why are you asking them for clothes for him. If he's happy with that arrangement, he should be asking for them himself.

Parental bond or not, it's not normal for an adult man to be so dependent on his parental figures.

@PickAChew See, that's the thing, I think it IS normal in most Asian families (happy to be proven wrong by others btw). My partner constantly reminds me of the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child", which I've heard many times from many people. So I've just gone with the flow. And whilst I believe in the sentiment behind the phrase, in our case, it feels too co-dependent and I'm sadly at a point now where I'm just craving feeling like a functioning adult.

Become a naturist/nudist.

Keeping his clothes at their house sounds like a control thing. Could your dss ask them for his stuff? It’s ridiculous to have to ask for clothes daily when he pretty much lives full time with you.

I would go crazy at the amount of times they come round, once a week is enough. Multiple times a day is massively OTT.

@Jongleterre Ha! That should solve all issues

@Cherrysoup He is 7 years old and doesn't think about the familial setup at all. Our daughter is 1. I am worried about how involved they are and how that involvement will translate to her in future, and also how that will affect how my daughter views my capabilities as a mother. And yes, as soon as I hear the knocks, I sigh so heavily! Trust me, I'm tired

Have you tried telling them to reduce the amount of times they call?

This is no way to live a life @2023MNU.
Your happiness also matters. I don't see why your needs and well-being are secondary to everyone else's. If you don't start setting boundaries, you will suffer. Previous posters have all given good ideas on how to put in these boundaries. I know it's hard because you are clearly used to being walked over by your husband and his family but for your own well-being please start advocating for your own needs.

Wow, your "D"H truly is a prince among men. Just out of interest, is there anything at all he does for his own son, or does he outsource all the parenting he ought to be doing to his new wife and the in-laws? For starters, why exactly does it fall to you to lay out DSS' clothes in the first place? In particular given he can't be bothered to back you up vis-a-vis the in-laws?

Also, maybe consider having this thread moved over to the step-parenting board - there's lots of posters over there with ample experience in just the type of situation you're describing.

You won’t fix this one

Surely your DH can help. If you had DSS clothes at your house that would be a help surely. Make these little changes over time.
Why are they growing herbs in your garden?

There's no boundaries.
They see you and DH as the 'children' along with DSS, and they are the Matriarch and Patriarch of the 'family'.
They are not recognising you as a family unit in your own right.
They see DSS as their son. They don't see him as your son. They don't even see DSS as your DH's son.

Your DH obviously let his mother just take over parenting his son and now she thinks she and her husband are the only 'parents' in town.

@Seaweed42 you know what... I’ve never questioned why they’re using our garden seeing as they have their own.

I hear what you’re saying. They’re not at all the controlling type of people, I think they just genuinely enjoy everyone being together all the time, but as you say, they are not recognising us as a unit in our own rights.