** I put this in the 'parenting' board but was kindly reminded I might get more responses here, so I'm gonna try that as well!
This is going to be very long to make sure I don't miss out any details, so sorry in advance!
In many, many ways, my partner is the perfect person for me. I could tell you 1000 things I admire about him! We have been together for almost 7 years and have a daughter together, as well as his son (my stepson) who lives with us almost full-time (23 days a month), which I was very aware of upon entering the relationship back then and have no issues with - apart from the never-ending shit I endure from his legitimately barefaced and manipulative ex-wife.
We live very, VERY close to his parents, I'd say practically neighbours. They are super lovely, and bar clear language barriers preventing a deeper relationship, we have a good relationship. I genuinely love them and look up to them. I could not imagine better in-laws and am so happy my kids get to learn from and bond with them. They are always happy to help with anything and everything! But their involvement in our lives is too much for me, and I feel very unhappy.
I was always raised to be very independent and have longed for my own family unit as long as I can remember. However, as my in-laws practically raised my stepson when his biological mother chose to no longer prioritise him, and my husband had to work late hours, they stepped in. I deeply commend this and appreciate their special (almost parental) bond with my stepson. However, I have now lived with my partner for years, and I feel they try to hold on to it which interferes with our daily family routines. I would like to just express how I completely understand that it's sentimental for them upon delving into more specifics, so you don't think I'm cold or neglectful of the impact they've had in his life.
However, they keep ALL his clothes at their place, including underwear, which means I have to literally go to their house or call them every time I need clothes for him, which is of course every day may I add. They insist(!) on washing all his clothes, which is of course incredibly kind, but he sees me as his mother and yet I have to ask his grandparents for everything needed for him, which I just find incredibly weird. Also, it's just a hassle for me. I tried to look past this for the better of their relationship and to not hurt anyone's feelings. But they also want to bring food for him every day (and for me as well, even though I've expressed I don't need it), including fruits and vitamins. Even on days they've accepted me providing food for him, they'll still come with fruits etc., even if they can literally see I've already given him fruits. And then they might stay for a chat. They will knock on the door about 6 times a day to help with things - never to be intrusive, only to help with things (like drop off some water or snacks they very kindly decided to get for me) but it SO feels like it nonetheless! Literally, they are in and out of the house at least 3 times a day, sometimes MIL is comfortable walking into our bedroom to get something - I don't know if this is just a personal thing, but that's just a big no no/invasion of privacy for me! They are always in our garden (they have grown herbs there and take care of it daily + need it for their cooking, which preserves our garden nicely, but also means they're always there). They're part of EVERYTHING, even a simple pool-day in the garden, where they will without fail always face-time or invite other family members to join, unless it's out and about in town. And of course, I don't want to be the bitch saying "no, uninvite your family members!" They will look inside our windows as well from time to time to check on the kids. Basically, they're always there. And despite how lovely they are, I know I can't live a life like this.
I understand they will always hold a maternal/paternal role to him, but I feel it's time to "let go", as I feel it's interfering with the way I envisioned I was going to lead a family life. I so crave the feeling of just being a family unit - parents and kids - without the grandparents. Don't get me wrong, I think it's GREAT they've got a strong bond, but this is just too much for me. I don't WANT all the help, and ultimately don't need it. I very much take pride in independence and feel I'm living like a child, depending on them for everything.
I've told them a million times to please not worry and that I'm happy to take care of everything, but they never listen. Either they 1) think I'm just saying it to be nice, 2) perhaps to insist on helping out as he's not my biological child, 3) as they're holding onto the past. All understandable and from a good place. But I can't live like this. So for a long time, I've started "dumping" him on them as I just find it easier than having them in and out all day as I just get in a bad mood which, sadly, reflects on my parenting (which if of course my own shortcoming, I just can't help it).
I'm sure many of you are wondering what my partner is saying. Basically, due to cultural differences and having grown up around more communal family values (which there's NOTHING wrong with, just not something I want for myself), he's on their side. And I'm happy to compromise on some things, but it doesn't seem like that can happen without causing havoc. I've talked to him many times and he says not to worry, they're only doing it to help my life be easier, and that it's good for them to have something to do (for example, clean his clothes and choose outfits, outfits I oftentimes hate btw but that's besides the point). I'm always met with the reminder of THEIR INTENTIONS, which in my opinion is just dismissive of my feelings because I never dispute their lovely intentions, but I just don't want that kind of family dynamic. In heated arguments, he's stated it's good we have them because I'm not "the kind of mother who just gets things done", which is so deeply hurtful because I know I am, I've just decided to let them help with stepson a lot because I AM a mother who wishes to get things done myself and can't stand the in-and-out of house policy, i.e. why I now ask for their help constantly. And that's probably my own fault, making it seem like I'm over-reliant on them, when really, I wish the opposite. Also, I find it offensive as I literally have taken on a full child as my own and have dealt with so much shit because of the biological mum. Not that he doesn't appreciate my help, but in me taking on that role, and stepson loving me so much, I feel I should be able to "act as" his mum and not have to rely on grandparents for that. No?
I entered into this relationship wanting a family unit, which I made clear knowing how closeby his parents live, i.e. a life very much integrated with his parents', however, with clear home boundaries. He, however, also insists he made it clear how integrated he wanted our lives to be with his parents, which I simply refuse to believe because I would never have wanted to live like this. I never expected them to be around so much. Maybe we misunderstood each other entirely back then. Maybe I was naive. So we've simply managed to literally not understand each other's family wishes, and now we're here, unhappy with kids, which just breaks me for the kids' sake. I miss privacy and I'm unhappy. But I also don't want to imagine the heartache a split would cause the kids, making me feel like I should just stay grateful for their help, have happy kids, and keep my mouth shut.
I'd literally rather all of you say I'm an ungrateful cow and reflect on that, than keep this all to myself. I need some kind of advice or personal opinions from people I don't know, to ensure I get unbiased viewpoints.