Can a personality disorder caused by trauma or neglect in childhood be the cause of abuse in the relationship and not a deliberate attempt to harm? Also is there much different between Covert NPD and BPD?

[Lovel2]

I’m just holding the baby as she can’t sleep unaided and wondering about my past abusive relationship. He was abused by his father and his childhood was not great at all. Doesn’t excuse by any means what he did.

He was explosive especially in the face of perceived threat or rejection but was really sorry and quite childlike afterwards.

No we aren’t but it’s difficult when at the time you don’t know what’s going on. You end up behaving like them and getting drawn in.

I work with people with personality disorders. They are caused by invalidating childhood experiences and trauma. There are psychological treatments for BPD which can help people manage emotional dysregulation and impulsivity if they are willing to do the work. The same can’t be said for NPDs. If they come for therapy at at all the evidence is that that they do not really make any meaningful change and if they do then it’s not sustained. Dr Ramani is a psychologist and probably the leading expert in narcissistic personality disorders. Her videos on YouTube are outstanding and she’s probably done a video that answers any question you have. The rumination after these sorts relationship end is very typical due to the addictive qualities of the relationship. They take time to recover from so be kind to yourself

@Maplelady I think it also goes some way into helping me explain my own behaviours and the behaviours I’ve been left with that I find are quite detrimental.

I also feel better that it wasn’t my lack of love that caused it like I was told. No amount of love would have been good enough. In fact I remember when I left saying something along the lines of not being able to give him what he needs a d freeing him to find someone better. At the time I thought it was my fault.

I was extremely confused as he basically hated me it felt but when I left he said he felt suicidal.

No it wasn’t your lack of love. People with unresolved trauma are very sensitive to perceived abandonment and bring archaic feelings of being unloved into the present moment. You needed to protect yourself and it was the right thing to do. He sounds both damaged and damaging. All of his exes will probably say that they felt exactly the same in the relationship although he probably told you that they were all crazy/mean etc. Lots of lovely, normal people find themselves in these sorts of relationships and they’re very hard to get out of. It’s very easy to allow yourself to fall for the sob story and see the inner child that needs love. Abuse is abuse whatever the reason behind it

This is fairly typical. He would’ve been lining up the next person before you were out the door because he needs someone else to fill the emotional void.

@Maplelady I’m not sure he had someone lined up but once he got the divorce papers and realised I was serious he signed up to online dating. He has moved in with another girl. She has moved jobs to where he works. He moved into hers and she was pregnant within a year, she is 14 years his junior. She is championing him according to our daughter. I find it odd as he was denied contact for many years at Court due to his lack of insight but the lady still fell for him etc and supported him through the process against his wicked ex wife (me). I guess he is extremely good at looking the victim and I did fall for it myself. Im glad I’m free of it but it left me with damage.

I think there is a massive difference between understanding behaviour and what the underlying causes and triggers are and excusing behaviour.

All behaviour is understandable once you understand the context. Even the worst of human behaviour you can start to understand why if you know enough about a persons inter-generational and personal history. Whilst some of our genes are coded to represent in a certain way. Some are influenced by our experiences. Our physiology, beliefs, identity, self esteem and how we manage emotions (annd relationships) are very influenced by early experience. Our early experiences literally shape how our brains get wired up (but new connections can be made). Trauma and early attachment relationships are a key part of all of this.

AND: abusive behaviour is never ok and as adults we are all accountable and responsible for our actions. So, it’s helpful to understand what leads to abusive behaviour so we can try and limit the chances of it occurring or minimise it’s impact, but that’s different from excusing it.

I think these two positions sometimes get confused.

So, abusive behaviour can be understood in the context of childhood trauma/abuse/difficult attachment relationships and the person offered help with the causes AND it is their responsibility to change it. Abusive behaviour shouldn’t be tolerated no matter what the cause.

Poor woman… not your problem though. I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist and missed all of the early signs. Once I joined the dots I was in too deep and it took me six months to finally break away. It was like recovering from an addiction. With the benefit of hindsight I realise the signs were all there from our first date!

The rejection you describe is fear of abandonment. That’s a classic BPD.

I think it’s given me worse attachment issues of my own. It that love bombing them rejection and having to feel like needing to earn the love back each time.

Is he diagnosed with MH issues or are you thinking he is. I am diagnosed with multiple issues brought on by extreme trauma as a child, my stepfather came close to killing me once when he strangled me, he very fortunately had a heart attack and died a few months later.

I have met others diagnosed with BPD and it is associated with childhood trauma. They said I had some traits but decided on other diagnosis for me. Though at the time I had terrible negative behaviours and enjoyed the destruction I had all consuming remorse afterwards.

It’s nothing to do with how you behaved at all. There are a couple of quite regular things that trigger massive anxiety for me. So my DH does avoid this stuff because it makes me very unwell. I knew a woman who would lose the plot if she saw candles because she had been burnt by them as a child.

i have fortunately never gone down the road of illegal drug taking, he was self medicating with weed but who knows what that did to his brain chemistry further.

Nothing you said or did made him the way he behaved.

Me getting so much better after I talked about how dreadful my earlier life was was actually owning my own awful behaviour.

@AbsolutelyFM he was offered as a young adult after the self harming but refused. He has always said he doesn’t believe in western philosophy. He chooses to do other things. I’m guessing those things are to help with the way he feels. Court sent him on a programme for anger management and one to learn about how abuse effects children but he came back with things to blame his behaviour on. He never openly said it was his fault.

He sought his dads approval all the time even though he abused him and his mum and was a terrible drunk. It’s like he loved and hated him. I feel that’s how he saw me also, he loved and hated me. He needed constant validation or else he turned nasty. I guess that’s the hope his father made. I couldn’t fill it, I had my own issues to deal with separate to his.

*hole not hope

I read a quote today that said something along the lines of sometimes we are just collateral damage in another persons war against themselves. Thought this was apt.