Can a personality disorder caused by trauma or neglect in childhood be the cause of abuse in the relationship and not a deliberate attempt to harm? Also is there much different between Covert NPD and BPD?

[Lovel2]

I’m just holding the baby as she can’t sleep unaided and wondering about my past abusive relationship. He was abused by his father and his childhood was not great at all. Doesn’t excuse by any means what he did.

He was explosive especially in the face of perceived threat or rejection but was really sorry and quite childlike afterwards.

I don’t know if a personality disorder can be caused by trauma, but behaviour and reactions absolutely can. I assume bpd and npd are probably something a person is born with.

I’m glad you aren’t with this person anymore. Xx

If you read 'Why Does He Do That'? by Lundy Bancroft. It will answer your question. The author worked for years with abusive men. His insight was that most abusers don't abuse because they have anger issues or they're out of control. They're very much in control and enjoy the power abusing people gives them.

It can explain it, but as you said, it cannot excuse it.

My therapist told me that ppl aren't always born with NPD, they usually develop it through trauma and abuse in childhood. One of my parents has suspected NPD and my sibling was diagnosed with it. My sibling was abused in childhood by my parent who was abused in theirs. Sibling also had a birth injury which may have contributed and changed their brain and how it functioned.

@montecarlo7 I read that many years back. I know some get enjoyment out of it.
mine seemed in constant pain.

I work with people who have personality disorders and for many I know they have had horrendous childhoods. I often wonder what they would have been like with better parents.

It sounds like your ex fundamentally didn't know how to interact effectively with people. This is sad, but not a reason for you to stay with him.

wow thanks. I always thought it was brain wiring.

It sounds to me like complex ptsd. When triggered, the fight or flight kicks in and the abused person can either fight (be explosive), flee (shut down) or fawn (pander to the person). Their brain is taking them back to that moment of trauma so they literally regress emotional to the age it happened. Check out Pete Walker on YouTube if you want more understanding.

However, like you said, it’s not excusable and this person should be accountable for their actions, in therapy and have the self awareness to heal. Regardless of whether you are still with them or not.

I hope you are ok OP. This will be causing trauma for you too, so please take care of yourself and the baby.

Like PP, I work with people that have PDs. Most people with PDs were abused in childhood/have very insecure or disordered attachment. A small number of people diagnosed with usually NPD are actually psychopaths and were born that way (although abuse can make psychopathy worse)-and true psychopathy is very rare. Many people who abuse have no diagnosable MH condition but are just making poor choices for whatever reason.

Yes it can be the result of childhood trauma - but that doesn't really change the fact that you can't be with someone who behaves this way.

I'm sorry you had this to deal with. Your focus is now on the next generation.

If your ex gets proper help and works very hard he might be able to be a better person in time - but don't fall into the romantic trap of thinking love can fix this kind of issue.

Don’t worry I eventually left after 10 years 4 years ago but it did cause a lot of damage to my mental and physical health. He took everything as a threat, he even exploded at strangers in the street who he thought was looking at him strange. He twisted everything and sometimes just got too mad. He self medicated with weed but that only masked the problem and created others. He sort external support always and could never see he was causing an issue. You could never talk out of turn, never voice an opinion and arguments were just a no if I wanted to remain alive really.

This sounds absolutely horrendous, and whatever it was going on with him, you didn’t deserve any of that at all.

@FlyingUnicornWings no I didn’t deserve it but I sure put up with it for far too long. We were a little similar only I was a people pleaser and never scared him.

I think my mum had some sort of personality disorder, she definitely had attachment issues so I didn’t know any different like I do now.

Yes, trauma can lead personality disorders to develop (it's much more complicated than that, I think, but to simplify it). But not everyone who is an abusive arsehole is that way because they have a personality disorder. A lot of what people on MN describe as being a 'narcissist' is simply being a first rate arse. Yes, lots of people who go on to be abusive, in all sorts of ways, due have some history of trauma. That doesn't excuse it though or make it okay. The vast majority of people who have a history of trauma do not go on to abuse anyone.

@mindutopia I guess it’s a perfect storm kind of situation in some cases. I can’t see how a healthy person can be abusive or an asshole, must be something up, perhaps brainwashing.

Thats like saying if something is a lion could that be why it's chewing on my leg? Yes. Does that mean it'll ever nit be a lion, and stop? No.

I daresay most abusers have cluster b personalities tbh. Of course there are exceptions. But for the most part, people are cruel - because they're cruel. There's no big mystery.

Lots of people have traumatic childhoods and manage to frow up into decent, empathetic human beings.

I’m not sure my ex was an “abuser” though. His behaviours came across as abusive and unkind but they were his defence. But yes he was dangerous.

He destroyed the relationship with his perceived rejection though.

Incorrect.

BPD, which is an outdated term, is very much caused by trauma.

BPD sometimes called EID- emotional intensity disorderor unstable personality disorder. Caused by trauma, disordered attachment. I think the term BPD seems to centre blame on the patient rather that attributing the difficulties to disordered attachment patterns. Agree with what @Justfrustrated said in other words!!

He was abusive and you were subjected to abide.

His actions didn't 'come across' as abusive, they factually were abusive.

@calmcoco even if they go into the relationship with good intentions and not to purposefully abuse someone? I always thought an abuser had intent?

Men with diagnosed BPD have a high correlation of DV and murdering their female partners. BPD is indeed caused by trauma in most cases.

My exh used to pull my heart strings where I'd look at him and see the hurt child underneath his abuse. It's really hard to break away from the ones who you know don't mean to be abusive but are. I know he took no pleasure in how he treated me, he just couldn't treat me any other way no matter how hard he tried because his brain would not let him see what he was doing to be accountable.

BPD also has great treatment plans. DBT does work but more women are able to do this then men. The men revert back when not in a programme.

You can't be a rehab centre for men. Your love will not cure them. All you do is hurt yourself by staying.