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Original poster

Too much physical touch, is it a thing?

50 replies

Herewegoagain22 · 21/07/2023 10:00

My partner and I have a great relationship aside from what I’m about to go over below. We’ve together two years. And his love language is physical touch, and he needs a lot of it. Whereas, I certainly don’t. I think we touch regularly, kiss in the morning, hold hands, cuddle on the couch, he’ll have his hand on my leg if we’re driving in the car, random hugs in the kitchen and our sex life is good too, and all of this is enough for me. However, my partner wants to be touching ALL THE TIME. And we’ve often had disagreements about it. He feels it’s natural to want to do that all the time and often tells me he needs more. He likes to cuddle or have his arm round me or have me pulled in tight in bed (same when we wake up) and if that doesn’t happen then there will be a bit of an atmosphere and the usual chat about why I don’t feel the need to be like that the next morning. Or he’ll want to be hanging round my waist in the kitchen if I’m trying to make dinner. But in all honesty it just stifles me, and makes me recoil.

We’ve had constant disagreements about it, and now it’s just got to the point where I know I have to do certain things out of routine or he will be upset. Sometimes I don’t want to be cuddled in bed and I just want to read my book or chill out after almost an 11 hour shift. And I think now because there has been such a fuss about made about certain aspects, physical touch is now a routine to avoid upset and it’s not natural. I am also at t point now where, where ever he comes near me I get irritated and that’s not fair on him as he genuinely just wants a bit more affection than I like and feel comfortable giving.

AIBU about this?

OP posts:
GodspeedJune · 21/07/2023 10:03

Yanbu. He is! It’s not ok to force physical touch on someone. He needs to lower his expectations, does he realise what a turn off being pestered is? Is this a dealbreaker for you?

RiskItAllForHappiness · 21/07/2023 10:08

I got claustrophobic and exhausted just reading that!
Sounds horrible!
And him starting arguments about it can’t be good.

Easyontheeyes · 21/07/2023 10:09

I wouldn’t like that either.

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 21/07/2023 10:09

Trust yourself and trust that your boundaries are constantly being violated here.

IamSmarticus · 21/07/2023 10:11

I only got as far as he’ll have his hand on my leg if we’re driving in the car before thinking that would be waaaay too much for me. It would be a massive turn off and I would end up snapping at my partner to get off me!

Ilikejamtarts · 21/07/2023 10:11

You have just described my partner 100%!!!!
The fall outs we have had because I chose to sit on the chair instead of the sofa next to him so he could have a hand resting on my knee, or he's walked in from work while I'm in the middle of cooking and he approaches for a Hug from behing as I'm literally pulling a hot tray out the oven and expects me to be able to hug him back 🤷🏻‍♀️ my list is honestly endless and we've had huge blow ups over his expectations!!!
Are there any other issues in the relationship caused by him or is it just this?

We have other issues to the point I had to tell him to seek help or move out. He now sees a psychiatrist and just last week she told him he has undeveloped emotional intelligence so basically he has the EI of a pre teen. The neediness falls into this apparently

KeepSmiling89 · 21/07/2023 10:12

Hi OP
This sounds EXACTLY like my ex who was emotionally abusive to me and VERY claustrophobic. He would expect me to hold his hand when either of us was pushing the pram with DD as well. Always wanted to cuddle while watching a movie. Couldn't just sit as 2 individual people for any length of time.

Nothing wrong with setting boundaries - my ex had the attitude of "there shouldn't be boundaries between husband and wife" I left shortly after!

calmcoco · 21/07/2023 10:13

if that doesn’t happen then there will be a bit of an atmosphere
it’s just got to the point where I know I have to do certain things out of routine or he will be upset

The amount of touch he wants is NOT the issue. The issue is his response to you not wanting the same.

He is controlling you with his moods.

I would rethink this relationship. Sorry.

Hazelnuttella · 21/07/2023 10:14

This would really annoy me.

And being in a mood if he doesn’t get to touch you as much as he wants is not okay.

You’re doing things you don’t really want to do, to avoid upsetting him. Starting to sound a little like you’re treading on egg shells.

You deserve to be able to switch off and totally relax… if I couldn’t do that around my partner it wouldn’t really work for me.

TheCatterall · 21/07/2023 10:17

Is sounds like his emotional intelligence was stunted in childhood. What was his upbringing like? I’d ask him to talk to a therapist as this level of need sounds like it comes from ingrained insecurities etc.

it’s stifling and it feels worse if children come along because then you have little people also needing a high level of contact and quite often the partners need ramps up if they feel pushed out.

I do think it’s a development thing rather than purposely abusive though b

Dery · 21/07/2023 10:24

Yes, too much physical touch is a thing. I couldn’t bear what you’re describing. We do snuggle up in bed and we usually hold hand when we’re out and about but that’s about it. Feeling like 2 individuals is so important to a relationship. How can you be attracted to and interested in your partner if they’re not a distinct entity from you? He’s trying to make your day to day existence entirely about him and squash you out of existence.

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 21/07/2023 11:32

We have no other issues in the relationship aside from this which is frustrating, as I feel physical touch now has such a strong emphasis ….which it should have but not to the extreme. I’m touchy feely when I want to be, but I don’t need it everyday. Now I actively avoid touching him as it just annoys me that I have to do it to such a level, it just becomes unenjoyable. When I try to talk to him I just get ‘why would you not want to touch your partner or be close to them, I shouldn’t have to ask you for that’…and I just feel shot down. It’s very hard to describe, and I feel like I’m the odd one for feeling like that.

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 21/07/2023 11:34

Yes, i get 'touched out' with my son its easy, i just say my cuddle box is full right now but thank you, its very kind to want to kiss me over and over again to say goodbye but my kiss box is full. A concept he understands and works for us, but with and adult probable would cause offence

calmcoco · 21/07/2023 11:37

Herewegoagain22 · 21/07/2023 11:32

We have no other issues in the relationship aside from this which is frustrating, as I feel physical touch now has such a strong emphasis ….which it should have but not to the extreme. I’m touchy feely when I want to be, but I don’t need it everyday. Now I actively avoid touching him as it just annoys me that I have to do it to such a level, it just becomes unenjoyable. When I try to talk to him I just get ‘why would you not want to touch your partner or be close to them, I shouldn’t have to ask you for that’…and I just feel shot down. It’s very hard to describe, and I feel like I’m the odd one for feeling like that.

Do you see what I and other people have suggested - he is emotionally controlling you?

You may not have any other issues but this is a very big issue.

He sounds like a controlling partner. He is completely ignoring you, you have explained it many times and he is pretending not to understand instead of respecting you.

TeeBee · 21/07/2023 11:41

My partner is very 'touchy' too and always likes to be cuddling. Me not so much. I just say 'oof, I'm feeling a bit touched out babe.' I give him lots of kisses on his face to last him a while and he'll apologise and give me space. You can't help both liking different things but he has to respect that you don't constantly want to be touched.

FatNoMoreSue · 21/07/2023 11:42

Either he does it to control you, or you’re just not compatible. I suppose some women would love it so he needs to find one of them really.

It would drive me insaaaaane. Does he like you to wear matching jumpers
too?

TeeBee · 21/07/2023 11:42

Basically, he's telling you that his needs a more important than yours. I'd be standing my ground on this one, or give him the heave ho.

Frogger8395 · 21/07/2023 11:49

Absolutely controlling.
You have lost autonomy over your own body under the guise of affection. It isn’t affectionate to force hugs on someone, it’s bullying and controlling.

If he hasn’t started the unwanted fondling he soon will.

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 21/07/2023 11:55

I think it’s important to say nothing is ‘forced on me against my will’…he reaches out and it’s often too much for me. And me not initiating as much contact as he likes can often make him feel unloved or not as connected. There is no physical control, albeit I can see what people are saying as if I don’t maintain the level he needs his mood do change and he becomes upset by it, but not to the extent where I feel I am not my own person. It is more just it encroaches on my personal space and I am significantly aware of the level he wants and I often don’t have the capacity or desire to match that as we have different needs

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 21/07/2023 12:04

I hate it- I don't even like hand holding. I've always been like this - however I've always been very upfront about it. I know my H thinks I'm a bit weird about it .

lovemyselfmore · 21/07/2023 12:33

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

TokyoStories · 21/07/2023 12:38

Oh my god, he touches you while you're driving? Confused

I agree with the others re controlling. I had an ex who wanted to touch all the time and would sulk if I wanted to sit apart from him on the sofa. If I moved to the edge he would move to the centre. He turned out to be extremely controlling.

youveturnedupwelldone · 21/07/2023 14:52

Oh god I had a relationship with someone like this. He was dreadfully insecure and selfish to boot - he thought he should be able to touch me whenever (and wherever!) he liked because that means you're in a relationship. I couldn't stand it.

At the end of the day no one gets to choose what happens to your body except you, in any way. That's his "love language" but it doesn't make you feel loved does it.

If it was anything else where your love language was different it would be ok - eg if one of you is a gift giver and the other not you'd get more answers saying oh just let him get on with it. But when it comes to physical touch it's not ok for him to impose that on you.

BayandBlonde · 21/07/2023 15:03

I dated a sex pest for six years, his constant groping and touching got tiresome, to the point where he gave me the ick and I hated him touching me. Felt so relieved when I gave him the boot.

toochesterdraws · 21/07/2023 15:20

I'll say the same as I did on your other thread. He is a sex pest.

Your body is yours, and he can't just help himself to it whenever he wants to. If he then gets all sulky and say you don't love him, then he is punishing you for not letting him do what he wants. A most unattractive trait in anyone.