Too much physical touch, is it a thing?

[Herewegoagain22]

My partner and I have a great relationship aside from what I’m about to go over below. We’ve together two years. And his love language is physical touch, and he needs a lot of it. Whereas, I certainly don’t. I think we touch regularly, kiss in the morning, hold hands, cuddle on the couch, he’ll have his hand on my leg if we’re driving in the car, random hugs in the kitchen and our sex life is good too, and all of this is enough for me. However, my partner wants to be touching ALL THE TIME. And we’ve often had disagreements about it. He feels it’s natural to want to do that all the time and often tells me he needs more. He likes to cuddle or have his arm round me or have me pulled in tight in bed (same when we wake up) and if that doesn’t happen then there will be a bit of an atmosphere and the usual chat about why I don’t feel the need to be like that the next morning. Or he’ll want to be hanging round my waist in the kitchen if I’m trying to make dinner. But in all honesty it just stifles me, and makes me recoil.

We’ve had constant disagreements about it, and now it’s just got to the point where I know I have to do certain things out of routine or he will be upset. Sometimes I don’t want to be cuddled in bed and I just want to read my book or chill out after almost an 11 hour shift. And I think now because there has been such a fuss about made about certain aspects, physical touch is now a routine to avoid upset and it’s not natural. I am also at t point now where, where ever he comes near me I get irritated and that’s not fair on him as he genuinely just wants a bit more affection than I like and feel comfortable giving.

AIBU about this?

God I would absolutely hate all of this n

Yuk. I’d feel totally suffocated by that level of physical touch. I’d end up feeling like his possession.

I don’t like the way he’s invalidating/disrespecting your concerns about it tbh. If he cares about you he’ll be mortified that it bothers you and modify his behaviour. Instead, he’s having a little sulky tantrum and telling you you’re in the wrong.

And yes, as other posters have said, you now feel like you have to modify your behaviour to please him and side-step an argument.

I predict this will only get worse as he gets more and more controlling. Before long he’ll be vetting what clothes you can wear and who you can see and he’ll mask it with a whiny, victim-like “but I love you”.

Stop worrying about how unloved and unconnected he’s feeling when he doesn't get his own way and have a think about how his behaviour/reactions are making YOU feel.

I would absolutely hate this. I was seeing someone a couple of years ago (to be honest I wasn't into him in the first place) and one time he was kissing me on the forehead, which I used to love but it was EVERY two seconds.

As in "I really kiss like you and kiss if you want I can kiss come over on kiss Saturday and we can kiss get a takeaway kiss and go out for drinks kiss afterwards what kiss do you kiss think?"

I still get the fucking rage two years on. Desperate.

It sounds like either
a) His mum and dad have an extremely tactile relationship so he thinks this level of touch is normal, or
b) his needs were frequently not met as a child, and it's led to him feeling emotionally abandoned if he's not getting frequent physical reassurance.

If it's a) then it should be pretty simple to remedy by him talking to other couples about the level of physical closeness they enjoy.
If it's b) then he'll probably need to seek therapy, but he may not ever be open to this.

Either way if it can't be resolved then I think you'll have to split so he can find someone more compatible. Definitely do not have children with him until this is resolved. As a PP said he will be even worse once he has to share you.

It doesn't matter what his love language is, you're entitled to personal space.

Multiple disagreements?! He's taking the piss. One conversation should have been enough. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries. Game over. Out the door with him. He's a creep.

Oh my ex was very affectionate - wanted to hold hands whilst I was pushing the pram - toooooo much - he was abusive!

Get him a dog and tell him to cuddle the dog.

You're not a fucking dolly but that's how he treats you. MY toy.

I couldn’t cope with that. Lay your cards on the table and bare all. Tell him he’s driving you away and you can’t/won’t take much more. His need for physical affection is having the opposite effect.

Sounds too intense i would absolutely hate that!

When I try to talk to him I just get ‘why would you not want to touch your partner or be close to them, I shouldn’t have to ask you for that’…and I just feel shot down

I'd say that you have more problems than the touch issue in your relationship. He's dealing with conflict by making you feel wrong and put down, and as if you're somehow failing by not doing things the way he wants them done.

What's his conflict resolution style like aside from this? What happens if you want to do different things when you're spending time together, or if you do something in a different way from him? Is he Mr Respectful-and-considerate?

What do you mean by 'Is it a thing'? It's your preference. It's a thing for you, so we can't answer than question. It's like me saying 'I don't like bananas, but my partner makes me feel shot down when he offers me one and I say no. Is not liking bananas a thing?' How does something become 'a thing', in the way you've asked in your OP?

Unless you are that way inclined yourself, this is not going to work for you. It will get worse too if you have kids.

You aren't his property to paw whenever he wants to. If he can't respect your physical boundaries then it's an issue. Blaming you and making it your problem is typical of men like this.

My exH said he needed 10 hugs a day to be happy. No thanks. It's not a woman's job to make a man happy. Ex for many reasons.

I bet he's a sex pest too

Why is it only his love language that needs to be accomodated?

Clearly yours is different and isn't being taken in to consideration.

You could tell him compromise is your love language.

@TreesAreBloodyGreat 😂😂😂 this did make me laugh.

I can imagine it.

I'd be fuming too. I can imagine getting the angry ick years later!

No, God..... the thought of that is giving me major "get the fuck off me NOW" vibes. I think it's pretty controlling and I'd be up front now and take control. If he's too needy to handle that or too controlling to tolerate you coming off routine then that's his problem. Seriously, YANBU.

I really like affection, but this sounds like a bit too much. The hand on your leg in the car being one. I understand holding you around your waist when you're making dinner, but it's very annoying if you can't move around easily because someone is restricting you like that. Men are heavier so we feel that pressure more.

In the way you've written about him, he reminds me of kids who play up as soon as they see their mum's on the phone. I wonder if his affection is a way of trying to ensure that your eyes are upon him all the time, that he's frequently watching you wants your affection as a way of diverting attention away from what you are doing, to him. It's natural to do that playfully every now and again, but it can be stiffling if it's constant.

@TreesAreBloodyGreat I laughed reading your post. Were they wet , sloppy kisses by any chance, or were you spared that?😂

He’s attention seeking and controlling . Soon you will have the ick with him and that’s the beginning of the end.

Id think hard about whether this relationship is working for you.

My ex was very much like this. I have never been much of a touchy feely person anyway but after we had a baby I just really could not stand it anymore after having a baby glued to me all day. So whatever you do don't have kids with him! My ex would also make me feel bad and go in a mood if I said no to the touching or if I even wanted to sit in a different room etc. I told him
So many times the more he touched me and poked and prodded me the more I recoiled but it never seemed to sink in his brain. We are no longer together (for many reasons) but I have to say I really do not miss it!!! If he can't understand and it bothers you enough now it always will.

I like contact, but to such a massive extent, would make me feel like I was literally being suffocating.

I personally see it as him having a huge insecurity and it would completely turn me off him.

Tbh, just reading your post makes me feel inwardly physically uncomfortable.

I know I may be late to the conversation but I’d like to shed some light as most of the replies you received are very ego driven and almost selfish and self-flattering if you will. God forbid someone is too into someone their egos might inflate their heads to the point of explosion. Rant over, I digress.

Coming from someone who has been on both ends of either being too touchy or feeling too touched. It likely has everything to do with codependency and fear of abandonment. Has he ever explored his childhood in therapy? If so, was there any form of abandonment there? Digging deeper, have you ever hurt or betrayed his trust (intentionally or unintentionally). Has your relationship had a period of uncertainty where you weren’t sure about him or wanted to date him. Or I guess better put, have you done a good job in instilling confidence in your commitment to him or made him feel safe that you’re not going anywhere?

The reason I ask all these questions is because a lot of times these are subconscious protection mechanisms he employs to not get abandoned which ironically most times ends up reaching the exact abandonment result he fears through his behaviors. It becomes a way he unknowingly reassures himself that you won’t leave and functions almost as a drug because when he gets his sense of safety, it only lasts for a period a time before he needs his “fix” if you will, of safety again. He does very much love you, but your boundaries are just as important and you need to make them abundantly clear and rigid. It’s for the best and longevity of the relationship. As an adult, I would expect that although difficult he should understand and be open to a compromise if he truly loves you.

There are multiple angles to tackle this from but for me these are the most important I would recommend. FOR YOU: determine and establish what a happy affection medium would be for you and hold him to it. If there are days where you’re open for more by all means give it to him cause it can only help. But stick to it, don’t go less or more. If you absolutely have to, go less but communicate it with him. But NEVER allow him to determine if and when you are to give more than what you determined you’ll a lot on a daily basis. Of course these can be revisited over time if either party is unhappy but you’ll find if you both find a happy medium, eventually his need will eventually lower as it’s really the consistency that builds his sense of safety and not so much the actual affection. At some point if you think deep, you may have made him doubt your commitment to him or your desire to stay. (This doesn’t have to mean you broke his trust via cheating, sometimes you were just aloof more than you should’ve been in the early stages or didn’t reciprocate as much interest for a long time. FOR HIM: he needs to get with a therapist and explore his wounds and childhood, these problems almost always either stem from something traumatic (abandonment) that happened in childhood or in the early stages of the relationship. (We as humans don’t always have the awareness unless we do some deep psychological exploration). He needs to build more security within himself and probably learn how to better regulate his emotions and handle discomfort of inevitable need for space in a relationship. FOR BOTH OF YOU: 1.) Find a compromise you’re both happy with. And if he can’t be someone to bargain and work with in finding a middle ground you have bigger problems. Really have the full uncomfortable conversation, I don’t care if it takes hours or last days. You need to establish clear new rules of how daily touch will be that you both are content with. 2.) I recommend you both read the book attached by Amir Levine: it’ll explain a lot of this dynamic and what both of you can do to help. I’m going to take a wild guess on this one but it sounds to me like you as the poster have what’s called an “avoidant attachment style” you’ll learn about it in the book. I may be wrong but if I’m right, disclaimer: this book doesn’t do a great job of addressing yours, and instead more your partners who has an anxious attachment style. Nevertheless, it is still a good read for both of you as it’ll teach both of you how to navigate this issue and teach you better tools to cope and relieve some of the tension this is causing.

I hope this helps.

Or 3. Dump him and find someone you are more compatible with.

July people

My current boyfriend is LITERALLY like this. If I don’t do any form of touching such as a hug, or kiss or hold his hand, he will be upset. We have been together for 2 years and for him, he requires daily physical touch, and honestly it’s EXHUASTING, to the point where I’m getting extremely annoyed by him. There are times where we hold hangs going on hikes or car rides, we sometimes cuddle watching a movie or even when we are going to bed. I’ll give him a kiss before I got to work or when we depart from being with each other, but I’d I don’t touch him for an entire day or a night he is instantly upset. He has made it clear he NEEDS constant physical touch, and I’m not like that. I’m fine with it here and there but not EVERYDAY. We haven’t been having sex lately either because I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress from a job, my body hurts, I got really sick from a medication I had a bad reaction on, and he also made me upset when we planned a date night together and he stood me up, and things like this effected my mood where it effected my hormones and libido. Which is as females things like this can cause us to be sexually dysfunctional. He and I have already had arguments about his constant daily need of physical touch and how I’m not the type that needs that, and instead he just makes me feel bad by telling me” you don’t love me” “you’re taking me for granted.” I literally communicated with him how the constant touching is becoming intolerable and how I have been in the “mood” because how exhausted I am and how I’m in survival mode. He cannot appreciate quality time together with each other’s presence without some sort of touch happening. The