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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Left in limbo

27 replies

Rolly99 · 21/07/2023 07:40

my ex and I broke up because we were not happy with our own lives feeling down and not getting along with each other very well. It was not one persons fault and no one did anything terrible. We still love each other very much, we miss each other as best friends and have talked a lot and cleared the air and said sorry to each other about some of the things that were said or not said between us. We also talked about how things could be different and what we have learnt about ourselves and each other.

I was hopeful that this would lead onto us trying again and I asked to take it slow so we could rebuild confidence in each other. He has not ruled it out but he won’t commit to anything so I am left in a limbo as I do want to take the jump. He isn’t asking anything from me or expecting me to do anything to change his mind so I have said I will give him space and we can stop going over what has happened. I know I need to concentrate on myself and get used to being without him as he might not change his mind. I do just want him to be happy so it kills me that I don’t make him happy anymore and he is afraid of being with me. I know there isn’t anything I can do but I also can’t just wait around a long time to see if he changes his mind either as it doesn’t help me move on. He is worried that we will just go back to normal very quickly but all the same problems will come back again. He is right to worry about this I do too but I want to try and am feeling positive. I don’t know what to do or how long to wait? Does this ever work out or am I wasting my time

OP posts:

justanothermanicmonday1 · 21/07/2023 07:54

I've been there. As hard as it is OP, you need to put yourself first and be happy on your own. If you are meant to be you'll come back together but I wouldn't be hanging about.

DustyLee123 · 21/07/2023 07:59

Is he sleeping around while keeping you available if he needs you ? Don’t be messed about.

ZekeZeke · 21/07/2023 08:00

I don't make him happy anymore and he is afraid of being with me the relationship is over.

ZekeZeke · 21/07/2023 08:01

Don't ever be an option, waiting on the side for him to make up his mind.

Original poster

Rolly99 · 21/07/2023 08:39

He is not sleeping with anyone else and I am not just an option he is very upset and struggling to make a decision. I have realised it’s mostly me instigating and believing in us. I believe in us more than he does I realise.

Problem is every time we talk I get some hope so I don’t end up just walking away. Now I don’t know what to do. I can’t wait a whole week until we have planned to meet up to have this conversation but I don’t want to keep having these conversations on text either. Neither of us are free to meet up but we could talk on the phone. I am not going to give him an ultimatum I am going to say unless we are both more sure than unsure it’s not going to work out. It has to be both of you.

Should I ask to talk on the phone and just put this to an end now or do I wait until we have agreed to meet up?

OP posts:

Dery · 21/07/2023 08:56

This must be very painful, OP. But if he wanted to resume being a couple he would do so. There’s a reason he’s resisting returning to your relationship. I’m guessing that, having broken free of the constraint of the commitment to you, he wants to stay free for a bit. Perhaps he wants to experience a relationship with someone else or at least have the chance of doing so. Did you get together very young? Have you had serious relationships with other people also?

He knows what you want. He doesn’t seem to want the same thing. He doesn’t need you to tell him that this will only work if you both want it because that’s just a statement of the obvious.

In your shoes, I would stop having conversations with him about this. Step right back. Get busy with other people and things. You won’t even start to get over him if you keep having intense conversations with him. Give him and yourself space. Give him a chance to really miss you. Down the line he may realise he wants to be back with you (and by then you may or may not want to get back with him) but he needs to properly experience life without you in the wings for that.

NoDatingFor0ldMen · 21/07/2023 09:07

I do just want him to be happy so it kills me that I don’t make him happy anymore and he is afraid of being with me.

I think you have answered your own questions really , for what ever reason he doesn’t want to be with you anymore.

Original poster

Rolly99 · 21/07/2023 09:39

I think I have done the right thing and made the right decision. I am going to let him go. I can’t keep holding onto this hope when he doesn’t seem to have it

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2023 09:42

The relationship is over, so let it be over. Stop communicating with him and move on with your life.

Easyontheeyes · 21/07/2023 09:44

Yes it sounds like you are pushing for it more than him. Stop going over it and let each other go.

Original poster

Rolly99 · 21/07/2023 11:24

so I did this and text as we have limbo and I would otherwise be hanging round a whole week. I said that I appreciated he has tried and I had no hard feelings towards him, it’s ok we just feel differently to each other and I was going to stop pushing for anything to happen.

now he’s pushing back on me. He didn’t say I'm wrong about the difference but that I was overthinking it and making assumptions and he wants to talk in person and has asked me to meet today. I am not going to get my hopes up as he could have just set it straight there and then.

OP posts:

Dery · 21/07/2023 11:58

@Rolly99 - that was a very mature communication that you sent. I would suggest being in listening mode if you meet him later. As you say, he could have put you straight immediately but he hasn’t. So perhaps let him say his bit but tell him you now need time to reflect. It’s really important that he understands he can’t just pick you up and put you down when it suits him.

I’m guessing from your username that you’re 23 or 24. So you’re still young with quite possibly 6 or 7 decades ahead of you. Whatever happens with this guy, you will get through it and have many exciting adventures. That’s how life works if you let it. In fact, if you and he have been together for a long time, this might be an ideal opportunity for you to spend some time single and focusing on yourself and what you want out of life (career, travel etc).

teacherteacherss · 21/07/2023 12:03

Good luck

Original poster

Rolly99 · 21/07/2023 12:08

@Dery hello I am older I am in my 30’s sorry maybe from my typing I am on my phone I seem younger. We have been together a few years. I am going to listen I have done enough talking and as I have my own agenda to want to get back together this just keeps taking over our discussions.

What stuck with me was him saying he wished I had done something awful so he could hate me. That’s not really what you say to someone you want to get back with is it.

I had asked him if we could stop texting deep and meaningful things meaning let’s talk properly in person and then he carried on and text me many deep and meaningful things this week, so I text back today, now he’s pulled me up on my own words. It’s a 2 way thing, just that I had said we should not use texting as a way to communicate and then not carry that on in person.

maybe I am being impatient to find out I’m not sure I feel sorry about that though anymore.

OP posts:

Jongleterre · 21/07/2023 12:10

It's sad but flogging a dead horse is just going to make you more unhappy.

If it needs to be forced then it isn't a good relationship.

Say goodbye and move on.

Jongleterre · 21/07/2023 12:13

You're not left in limbo, he is either too much of a coward to tell you to fuck off or block you or he is keeping you in the background on the back burner as a fall back plan.

You're worth more than that.

All the drippy, deep 'romantic' things are just immature crap and he knows it but from it he can glean that you are willing to be kept dangled on a piece of string.

EthicalNonMahogany · 21/07/2023 12:17

He's not able to own his own responsibility here. He doesn't really want to be with you, but can't feel OK with making the break. You're gonna have to do it. He's not right for you, or he would be keen to be with you.

You don't need to "believe in us" in a relationship, especially early, you just need to each powerfully want to be with the other.

Original poster

Rolly99 · 21/07/2023 12:20

@EthicalNonMahogany this is exactly how he is coming across to me so I don’t feel sorry that I took charge of it and said look, let’s just leave it.

He just keeps saying I don’t want to hurt you. The hope is now what is hurting me not the losing him that’s already happened. For some reason he doesn’t feel ok being the person to say there is no chance left and I am pretty sure it’s cos he is looking for some kind of sign or revelation to help him make up his mind instead of just being honest with himself. He is just wishing he felt different

OP posts:

IHateLegDay · 21/07/2023 12:21

If you have to ask where you stand with someone, it's time to stop standing and start walking.

You should find someone who actively wants to be with you, not wait around for someone who can't make his mind up.

Dery · 21/07/2023 12:39

@Rolly99 - I thought 20s based on the “99” in your user name - not your writing style 😀!

You sound very clear-sighted about this. Splitting up with someone when they don’t want to split up is going to hurt them so it’s pointless him saying he doesn’t want to hurt you. As you say, this current limbo is now hurting you more. Good luck for your talk this afternoon if you go ahead with it. After that, perhaps you can draw a line and perhaps for now go NC.

I needed to go NC for a bit after breaking up with my first love after nearly 3 years together because seeing him was too painful. We got to a place of being comfortable friends (we went out at 6th form and then early uni (same uni) so crossed each other’s paths a lot) but it took several months for me to be more or less pain-free (he wanted to split; I didn’t) and I kept him at arm’s length for most of that time.

Original poster

Rolly99 · 21/07/2023 12:49

What is your advice if he just keeps going round in circles with this? He isn’t meaning to dangle me on purpose he is just got a fence up his backside and I’ve got a ladder on my side and he can’t decide whether to jump down off his side or go down my ladder so he’s just sitting there. I know it’s hard But being the person standing alone at the end of the ladder is horrible and worse than the fence. I need to take my ladder and leave don’t I. I have a feeling I will have to push really hard to get a decision and it’s humiliating enough as it is.

I’m just going to listen. This time he is coming to see me and it was his instigation so I am hoping he has made a decision either way. I felt like he was annoyed by my message rather than thinking oh shit she’s had enough now I need to decide

OP posts:

skippersmum · 21/07/2023 13:07

My advice if he’s going around in circles is to let him, walk away in a straight line as fast as you can .

My partner of 12 years broke up with me, then spent 9 months unsure if he wanted to get back together, swinging between yes and no, and I let him. He didn’t want to hurt me and he didn’t want to let me go, but he also worried we’d go back to how we were. I just had so much hope we could work it out that I waited for him to decide. We even went to counselling. We broke up when he met and slept with someone else. It came out of nowhere to me, in hindsight I suspect she may have been the reason for the limbo. I was devastated, but very quickly relieved of my anxiety because I wasn’t left in limbo anymore, and my self esteem returned.

We are shoo in touch through work and mutual friends. Five years on, he regrets not trying properly and as a result he hasn’t been able to move on properly. After a lot of time focussed on me and my life, I’m happier than I’ve ever been with my partner of one year.

Please, focus on yourself, value yourself and walk away, and just keep walking. If it’s going to work out, some time and space won’t stop that. You deserve so much better than someone who isn’t sure.

Dery · 21/07/2023 13:38

@skippersmum has nailed it. This especially:

“Please, focus on yourself, value yourself and walk away, and just keep walking. If it’s going to work out, some time and space won’t stop that. You deserve so much better than someone who isn’t sure.”

With bells on.

Original poster

Rolly99 · 21/07/2023 13:40

@skippersmum im sorry to hear that you went through this it is so nice to hear you are happy now.

I am not going to let this drag on. I need to see and feel something real from him now to move on. I don’t think that’s a big ask. If he can’t do it, then he can’t do it right. It’s not going to be different in a week or a month.

He is killing his feelings for me slowly it’s like death by 1000 cuts, so inevitably I will end up thinking he is a dick which is the thing he is so badly trying to avoid happening so a self fulfilling prophecy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rolly99 · 21/07/2023 15:53

He is running late and hasn’t even left home yet I am at the meeting point. He says he was writing a list but I have no idea what this is meant to mean and I didn’t ask. What an effort he’s making. Off to a great start so far tbh where I sit here stressing even longer. At least this helps keep me annoyed

OP posts:

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