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Original poster

Dh got a new job and didn't tell me

29 replies

MerryMarigold · 20/07/2023 20:18

I'm feeling a bit hurt but also I'm quite ill today (just a temp/ cough) so feeling a bit fragile.

Dh has been looking for a job for a while. He's got a good job but just wanted to move up the ladder a bit. He hasn't been successful for more than a year, although not applied to masses of places in that time, and several didn't happen because they decided they weren't hiring.

Anyway, today he told me he got a job yesterday. He's really thrilled 😁. But I didn't know he'd applied, or had 2 interviews, or even that he'd been offered it (yesterday). I have been pretty sick so that could explain yesterday but to have been unaware of the whole process, the first and second interviews etc. It just feels very weird.

I will talk to him (not today) but I think he will get a bit defensive and feel like I'm raining on his parade. So, do people think what he did is fine, or should I talk to him and say I felt really hurt and excluded?

OP posts:
Weekenders · 20/07/2023 20:21

After more than a year of rejection and lack of success I suspect he wanted to try this one without the pressure of having to explain another potential failure to you. I'd cut him some slack.

howmanytimesagain · 20/07/2023 20:21

Yes he should have told you because your a partnership. But he didn't so by all means tell him it hurt you that you weren't included but you have to accept what is done is done and move on as he is happy he has the new job

Reasonings could be anything such as didn't want extra pressure especially as he's been trying for a year, wanted to surprise toot, didn't think he would get it, didn't want to get yours or his hopes up, performs better if he doesn't let other in on his plans so he is fully focussed. There's many reasons

Dumbphone · 20/07/2023 20:23

it may be a symptom of wider difficulties in communication, or it may be that he felt ashamed of previous rejections and couldn’t deal with your disappointment as well as his own if he didn’t get it. I am going for (another) job, but don’t want to talk to anyone in my life about it as I can’t cope with anyone asking as I prob won’t get it. If I had a partner I’d prob mention it, but can understand feeling like i wouldn’t want to.

i’d be hurt too, and would need to talk it through.

ApolloandDaphne · 20/07/2023 20:23

I imagine he didn't want to jinx this opportunity by talking about it. I would cut him some slack. He has done well.

FrenchBoule · 20/07/2023 20:24

I think it’s ok. You knew he wanted to change a job, he eventually got it.

There’s nothing worse than being futile for quite some time and somebody asking “any news on x front”

Hope you’re going to feel better soon OP. Congratulate him and ask him all the questions when you’re back on your feet 🙂

YukoandHiro · 20/07/2023 20:24

Not sure why you're making this about you? This is face saving on his part, he didn't want to share another failure. If he's happy, just be happy for him! Don't rain on his parade by turning it into a relationship issue.

BatheInTheLight · 20/07/2023 20:26

Yes, I'd imagine he was feeling downbeat about his chances so thought he'd keep it to himself I wouldn't take it personally. Maybe there was no enthusiasm during the process he's just been through after past failures, so nothing to really share with you along the way, if you get me?

Hawkins0001 · 20/07/2023 20:26

Chances are if he didn't get the role then it's pickles and disappointed.
I'm guessing it's secret for that reason.
Unless it's civil service so to speak, then it is need to know only.

TheNewlmprovedMrsMadEvans · 20/07/2023 20:26

I can understand why he didn't tell you . He didn't want to tell you in case he didn't get it yet again and disappoint you bless him.
Congratulations to your DH OP well done him !

DirectionToPerfection · 20/07/2023 20:26

YukoandHiro · 20/07/2023 20:24

Not sure why you're making this about you? This is face saving on his part, he didn't want to share another failure. If he's happy, just be happy for him! Don't rain on his parade by turning it into a relationship issue.

Exactly this.

Being hurt is overdramatic IMO.

Dotcheck · 20/07/2023 20:26

Weekenders · 20/07/2023 20:21

After more than a year of rejection and lack of success I suspect he wanted to try this one without the pressure of having to explain another potential failure to you. I'd cut him some slack.

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

aswellascanbeexpected · 20/07/2023 20:28

Meant kindly, but it's not about you.
Be happy and pleased for him.

HerAvatar · 20/07/2023 20:29

I think you would be raining on his parade a bit tbh OP, maybe a lighthearted 'well you kept that quiet' type conversation would be ok but I wouldn't be dumping my hurt feelings on him without at least hearing why he kept it quiet first. I suspect PP's theory about him not wanting the pressure til he knew he'd got it is the most likely and I could totally understand that. With kindness I think maybe this comes under 'it's not about you' and I would try not to take the shine off it for him.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 20/07/2023 20:31

Thanks all. Feel better you're all on the same page. I don't think I've ever been disappointed, though if course he has. We weren't relying on an increased income, and he was really doing it for himself and his career progression.

I'll let it go. Definitely don't want to make it about me when I'm just telling a bit sensitive at the moment.

OP posts:
namechange998 · 20/07/2023 20:33

My DP did the same thing. I think he didn't tell me because he thought it would be a lovely surprise. It was. New job, fresh start, higher salary. I don't get why you are upset. He wanted a bit of a 'tada look what I did' moment

EarthSight · 20/07/2023 20:34

I'd let it go too. Some people will not be open about things they're a bit nervous about. It's possible he wanted to keep it to himself in case he got rejected.

EarthSight · 20/07/2023 20:34

namechange998 · 20/07/2023 20:33

My DP did the same thing. I think he didn't tell me because he thought it would be a lovely surprise. It was. New job, fresh start, higher salary. I don't get why you are upset. He wanted a bit of a 'tada look what I did' moment

And this.

poorlyarm · 20/07/2023 20:39

I've been looking for a new job recently and had a couple of knock backs, I find it really hard telling people, even my nearest and dearest and even if they are supportive.

GrinAndVomit · 20/07/2023 20:39

I think it’s more likely indicative of his lack of confidence rather than anything to do with you or how he feels about you.
He probably didn’t want to have to disappoint you if he’d not got it.

Peekingovertheparapet · 20/07/2023 20:40

I also sort of think that in the post covid work from home environment job applications and interviews feel a little bit low key. I’ve had a couple this year, mostly because I have itchy feet and I don’t think I’ve made a big deal of them to DH. I think maybe because I’ve done them from home, and they’ve either been internal or for another local employer we’ve both worked for previously. I do tend to discuss more at the application stage than the interview.

in fact, I have an interview tomorrow that I don’t know if I’ve told him about. It won’t change his day at all, and it won’t have a huge effect on his life if I get it.

so as well as the not wanting to draw attention to a process that has been frustrating to him maybe he just doesn’t find the interview process much to write home about.

BillyNoM8s · 20/07/2023 20:50

MerryMarigold · 20/07/2023 20:31

Thanks all. Feel better you're all on the same page. I don't think I've ever been disappointed, though if course he has. We weren't relying on an increased income, and he was really doing it for himself and his career progression.

I'll let it go. Definitely don't want to make it about me when I'm just telling a bit sensitive at the moment.

Do you know how demoralising it is to be rejected time after time when you know you're perfectly capable? I didn't tell DH all the jobs I was applying for when I was looking. Nor did I tell him every time I had a thanks but no thanks. What's the point? I don't need his commiserations.

As long as he's not taking a huge drop in income or accepting a job that means you need to relocate, I don't think he really needed to be discussing it with you. You already know he's been looking and trying.

Don't say anything to him. It's really not about you. Bizarre that you think it is Confused

You should be planning to celebrate, not picking a fight.

ArthurPoppy · 20/07/2023 20:53

Maybe due to your illness and him being unlucky on the job front

AlwaysWantingIceLollies · 20/07/2023 20:56

I've failed my driving test twice, I won't be telling anyone when I'm going for it next time. This is just that.

bjrce · 20/07/2023 21:07

Honestly OP,

It could well be- he decided it wasn't something he wanted to discuss - until he had something positive to share. I really don't think this was about you and him hiding things from you.

It's more about him and how he wanted to manage this situation.
Don't make this about you and how you feel.

Tell him how happy you are for him and it was a lovely surprise. Celebrate his sucess.

whiteroseredrose · 20/07/2023 21:07

I'd be taken aback but wouldn't make a big deal of it. I always think of DH and I as a team. I sense check his CVs and Cover Letters and help him prepare for interviews. And vice versa.

But it could be worse. My friend's (now ex) DH left his job and she only found out when his salary didn't come in.

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