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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Missed anniversary.. this was the response

31 replies

Darklava09 · 20/07/2023 10:11

Me and DH been together 14 years and I got him a card and a small present. We don’t do it every year, sometimes we forget but last year we both said we need to make a conscious effort to try and remember.

I thought he had remembered as he went out the night before and was all smiley and thought he had plans.

I got home and gave him his stuff and he was like what’s this? Opened it and was like is it today? And I was like yeah have you forgot?

the response was….

  • I usually remind you, you always forget
  • since when have we got presents for each other, we haven’t bothered in ages
  • youve done this to make me feel guilty

so I rolled my eyes and walked off. Like seriously, I’ve remembered and made a small effort and then been made to feel bad!?

I get that maybe he felt bad for forgetting or that but after he seemed so irritated. I said I don’t get why you’re so pissed off after me doing something nice. He said well you walked off and rolled your eyes cause I forgot…. I was like no I rolled my eyes because you said I did this to make you feel guilty.

I just left it and went to bed. But yeah woke up this morning and feel like I won’t bother again. We’re not like religious with anniversary but if you do remember I just thought it’d be a nice gesture.

OP posts:
Finlesswonder · 20/07/2023 10:12

It sounds depressing.

What's your relationship like generally?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/07/2023 10:14

He felt guilty and went into defensive mode. A common human response.

If you wanted to make it a thing this year though, why not remind him? You have both forgotten in the past. I get that you said last year "let's not forget again" but you're both human beings probably with plenty of other things on your minds.

mrsm43s · 20/07/2023 10:48

If you don't normally celebrate it, but this year you wanted to, it does seem a bit odd not to have had a conversation with him about it a week or two before the event. I think it's a bit unreasonable to expect him to remember a conversation a year ago. There's a slight whiff of setting him up to fail - why keep it a secret (not what the gift was, but the fact you were buying one)? Surely it would be normal to discuss that you were buying something/excited about doing something for your anniversary etc? I can't think why I'd keep totally silent about an occasion DH were planning on celebrating together.

NoSunNoSun · 20/07/2023 11:02

You need a uniform approach to anniversaries, do you both want to celebrate them every year or not?
If you both do then you need a plan, you both put the date on you calender and another reminder the week before to buy a card/present/book a restaurant.
My DH have both for form for forgetting and then decided now the DC are older and life is less hectic to celebrate each year.

baileys6904 · 20/07/2023 11:21

I agree, it was a set up for fail.

You cant be OK with not doing things some years and then decide that this is the one thta counts more, without giving him the heads up before hand.

If you're not happy in your relationship, acknowledge and action. Don't just prolong the agony

Original poster
Darklava09 · 20/07/2023 11:26

I get how it seems but we agreed a while ago when I was literally doing everything in terms of birthdays, christmases, etc for us and his family (I don’t have any) that I said it’s abit unfair for me to do everything, on top of working full time, running the house and 2 kids.

he strictly told me then to stop bothering reminding him about any birthdays or anything coming up as he’s old enough and doesn’t need me organising his life for him… soooo this is why I didn’t mention it because he doesn’t Want me to tell him anymore!

OP posts:
GardeningIdiot · 20/07/2023 11:28

It's crap, OP. I'm sure he has a diary.

Upsizer · 20/07/2023 11:28

I agree that this was a set up to fail. Do you have a kitchen calendar or something where can you write these things down? We do this together at the start of the year. Then discuss when we are in the kitchen together. “Ooh it’s your sister’s birthday this week” etc.

I refuse to do any stuff for his family but we do remind each other this way and it really helps us both.

Doggymummar · 20/07/2023 11:29

Put stuff in family calendar then it's there for all to see

tanstaafl · 20/07/2023 11:36

Sounds like a gut reaction from him.
On another day, another moment he might have looked sheepish and apologised for forgetting and made up for it the next day.

Is he the type to shout at other car drivers when they ( apparently ) make mistakes?

Jk987 · 20/07/2023 11:46

I said it’s abit unfair for me to do everything, on top of working full time, running the house and 2 kids.

Sounds like you have a bigger problem here. Why do you do everything when you both work full time and share 2 kids? ConfusedConfusedConfused

Original poster
Darklava09 · 20/07/2023 12:19

@tanstaafl yeah he does shout at some drivers sometimes not all the time though

@Jk987 because if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done, I order the food every Monday because if I don’t he won’t go food shopping, or if I didn’t get the kids uniforms it wouldn’t cross his mind to. He says he’s happy to go and get stuff if I ask him to but I have to ask he won’t ask me what needs doing.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 20/07/2023 15:17

Darklava09 · 20/07/2023 11:26

I get how it seems but we agreed a while ago when I was literally doing everything in terms of birthdays, christmases, etc for us and his family (I don’t have any) that I said it’s abit unfair for me to do everything, on top of working full time, running the house and 2 kids.

he strictly told me then to stop bothering reminding him about any birthdays or anything coming up as he’s old enough and doesn’t need me organising his life for him… soooo this is why I didn’t mention it because he doesn’t Want me to tell him anymore!

There's a difference between actively reminding him, and just discussing something in a normal way.

If you were excited about your upcoming anniversary, planning something, buying him a present etc, then you must have had to actively buttoned your lip/kept things secret in order for it not to have been mentioned in conversation. I would say in the week or two running up to any occasion DH and I would mention it in some way or another - anything from just pointing it out when planning other things "Oh, we can't do xxx day, that's our anniversary", to "Just popping to the shops - I'm picking up something for our anniversary, anything you fancy?" to "Oh Dh, just so you know, I really love xxxx if you're wondering what to get me for our anniversary", "DH, there's a new restaurant opened in Our Town, how about we try that for our anniversary?", or "just heading upstairs to wrap your anniversary present, please knock before coming in" etc. I can't see how something that is important enough to you that you're upset he didn't do anything for it was not mentioned even once since a year prior.

I think he knows he was set up to fail, and is pissed off he fell for it.

Jk987 · 20/07/2023 23:47

Darklava09 · 20/07/2023 12:19

@tanstaafl yeah he does shout at some drivers sometimes not all the time though

@Jk987 because if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done, I order the food every Monday because if I don’t he won’t go food shopping, or if I didn’t get the kids uniforms it wouldn’t cross his mind to. He says he’s happy to go and get stuff if I ask him to but I have to ask he won’t ask me what needs doing.

All the more reason not to do it - to piss him off when he suddenly realises he has no clean pants or food for his dinner. How did this happen? He doesn't look after your shared home and children? Doesn't think ahead to buy milk and bread?

This is why I think the anniversary is the least of your problems. Go on strike.

Dullardmullard · 21/07/2023 00:11

Going on strike never works

NotBotheredAnymore · 21/07/2023 01:28

he strictly told me then to stop bothering reminding him about any birthdays or anything coming up as he’s old enough and doesn’t need me organising his life for him…

So do you get blamed for not reminding him, but also get told off for nagging if you do remind him? It's designed for you to always be in the default wrong mode whilst he is in the default victim mode. You can never win, that's the whole point. It slowly evolves into you never voicing an opinion or asking for any help until you have been trained to put up and shut up.

I hope I've read it wrong but if not start looking at what is actually happening in your relationship. Is it only good until you say no?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2023 01:40

I'm sorry, op, but your marriage is shit. You don't have to live like this.

Original poster
Darklava09 · 21/07/2023 07:35

@NotBotheredAnymore actually there has been times where that’s happened only recently he had booked time off for our DS hospital appointment. He forgot to take him and went to work. I called him and said oh it’s DS appointment have you took him? And the first thing out of his mouth is “ why didn’t you remind me”

rhere has been occasions of that for sure not all the time but more so recently

OP posts:
caringcarer · 21/07/2023 09:20

He sounds like bloody hard work OP. It's clear you are having to run the home, deal with kids and even his family's gifts. When does he grow up and invest in his family?

ReeseWitherfork · 21/07/2023 09:28

It’s really hard to read what’s going on here. For me anyway.

I’d say it’s largely acknowledged that too many women are expected to “remind” their husbands to do things or give them instructions to help, and how shit it is. But on the flip side, you’ve got to have conversations about things. If DH went off and bought the kids clothes without telling me then that’s not a good system either - because what if I’d done the same? If a woman in a relationship often does those jobs without telling her husband, then of course he’s not going to do them.

All comes down to communication. This could all be fixed with better communication. Which starts with not assuming the worst in your husband. He didn’t deliberately forget by the sounds of it, you just don’t commonly celebrate.

Jk987 · 21/07/2023 10:47

ReeseWitherfork · 21/07/2023 09:28

It’s really hard to read what’s going on here. For me anyway.

I’d say it’s largely acknowledged that too many women are expected to “remind” their husbands to do things or give them instructions to help, and how shit it is. But on the flip side, you’ve got to have conversations about things. If DH went off and bought the kids clothes without telling me then that’s not a good system either - because what if I’d done the same? If a woman in a relationship often does those jobs without telling her husband, then of course he’s not going to do them.

All comes down to communication. This could all be fixed with better communication. Which starts with not assuming the worst in your husband. He didn’t deliberately forget by the sounds of it, you just don’t commonly celebrate.

Let's not ignore the fact he does no housework, life admin or parenting his own children... what a catch he is!

Janieforever · 21/07/2023 10:54

As a pp said, there is a difference between reminding and discussing. Something like I’m excited for our anniversary next week shall we go out for dinner etc. is not reminding. I also think it was a deliberate act from you to make a point. And he’s reacted badly.

there are no winners here.

ReeseWitherfork · 21/07/2023 10:56

Jk987 · 21/07/2023 10:47

Let's not ignore the fact he does no housework, life admin or parenting his own children... what a catch he is!

Show quote history

We don’t know that from OPs posts though? She says she does a food order. For all we know, he does the lion share of the cooking, the laundry, the cleaning… The only other thing of note that she’s said is that he forgot about the hospital appointment. Which is indeed bad, but I can’t work out how a married couple doesn’t discuss that in the morning. Hence… communication! If DH had a day off work, there’s no way he’d made it to work without me intervening at some point on the way. My husband is scatty as fuck, and I’m not going to get annoyed at that, he is who he is, and we’re enough of a team that we can work round it.

Original poster
Darklava09 · 21/07/2023 13:23

@ReeseWitherfork so in regards to the hospital appointment I left earlier than him and I forgot about it until I checked my work diary as I put all calendar appointments there too so I don’t forget!

equally we both have high pressured jobs, a child with SEN to deal with and a toddler so mornings are usually stressful and never really calm.

he does help out with housework I can’t deny he doesn’t but a lot of it is can you do this or can you do that.

I do communicate if I’m going to get clothes for the kids etc or I tell him I’ve got so n so this today. My gripe is… I could wait the whole 6 weeks and no uniform would have been purchased unless I do it and I work equally as hard so it’s a lot for me to have to remember.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 21/07/2023 13:28

He is a jerk. Why are so many posters making up reasons to side with this guy? HE IS NOT LOVING OR THOUGHTFUL.