Missed anniversary.. this was the response

[Darklava09]

Me and DH been together 14 years and I got him a card and a small present. We don’t do it every year, sometimes we forget but last year we both said we need to make a conscious effort to try and remember.

I thought he had remembered as he went out the night before and was all smiley and thought he had plans.

I got home and gave him his stuff and he was like what’s this? Opened it and was like is it today? And I was like yeah have you forgot?

the response was….

• I usually remind you, you always forget
• since when have we got presents for each other, we haven’t bothered in ages
• youve done this to make me feel guilty

so I rolled my eyes and walked off. Like seriously, I’ve remembered and made a small effort and then been made to feel bad!?

I get that maybe he felt bad for forgetting or that but after he seemed so irritated. I said I don’t get why you’re so pissed off after me doing something nice. He said well you walked off and rolled your eyes cause I forgot…. I was like no I rolled my eyes because you said I did this to make you feel guilty.

I just left it and went to bed. But yeah woke up this morning and feel like I won’t bother again. We’re not like religious with anniversary but if you do remember I just thought it’d be a nice gesture.

My DH and I agree in the month or so before our anniversary what we are going to do and then make plans together. I dont understand why a sensible discussion in advance isn't possible. It makes life so much easier than a tentative agreement and no further discussion.

I think marriage often turns into a bit of a disappointment after so many years and this is what you get. Apathy.

You are finding out that if you have been sorting and reminding a person about appointments, birthdays and anniversaries for years, it takes more than an agreement from the other person to change it.
Habits are as hard to break as they are to get into. People don't flip effectively from to doing stuff they are not used to.
Either ignore his request that you don't remind him, as he needs it until it becomes a new habit, or sort a system where you have a joint calendar you are both on that has alarm reminders set.

I dont understand why a sensible discussion in advance isn't possible.

This usually takes two well adjusted, caring adults. The problem is when there's only one in the relationship. The other just doesn't care enough.

And that's your problem OP. He doesn't care unless it's something he wants to do anyway. All this stop reminding me was him saying stop forcing me to care, but now by not reminding him, he's realising him not caring is out in the open where everyone can see. He's exposed himself and he's thought fuck, who can I blame for putting me in this exposed position. Yup, that's you as he can never be wrong. You are the default wrong person.

So two questions.
Do you only have a good marriage if you go along with his choices. Even simple ones like dinner, or going out. What would happen if you said you didn't want to go somewhere or have a bbq?
Does he ever say sorry, for any reason?

@NotBotheredAnymore in answer to your question then if I think of it then yeah. if I want pasta and he doesn’t we don’t we have something he wants.
I want to move house and relocate and he doesn’t so we don’t. Actually this was an arguement the other day because I said it’s all what he wants because I’ve asked him to get the snip and he said no but wants me to have my tubes tied.

if I say I don’t want to go somewhere that doesn’t really bother him he’s quite relaxed when it comes to plans.

so I don’t know if that means anything but that’s the dynamics at the moment.

He sounds selfish and lazy and like he doesn't care about your feelings.

You both work FT yet you do most of the housework and cirtually all the parenting, and most of the life admin, and all of the shopping. What is the point of him?

You only go places he wants to go. You only do things he wants to do. After you've gone through having children, he thinks you should be sterilised rather than him have the (much more straightforward) snip?

Why why why?????

Why does he think he's more important than you? Why does he think you should put up with (yet more) pain and discomfort, and not him? Why does he think the house and children are your job, and anything he does is 'helping'?????

You have yourself an uncaring, thoughtless mysogynistic selfish lazy manchild. He sounds deeply unpleasant and deeply unattractive, and your life would be easier and happier without him in it.