Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Functioning alcoholic

30 replies

Mabel77 · 19/07/2023 22:57

we have been together for 21 years and have two kids aged 14 and 18.
hubby has always liked a drink but over the years it’s become worse. He comes home from work and spends his evening in a seperate room to everyone else. He gets through 10-12 cans of beer in a 4 hour period. As a result he has put on a lot of weight. He snores horrifically to the point where he keeps the house awake if he’s gone to sleep first, I told him that his snoring was Making me Ill. He went to GP and was referred to a sleep clinic. He was diagnosed with Sleep apnoea and given a CPAP machine. He won’t use it as he finds it uncomfortable.
He works hard and isn’t a horrible drunk. However I’m finding myself starting to hate him. The sleep thing is a major issue, he will come to bed pissed wanting to get his leg over and it makes me feel physically sick. It’s destroying our relationship. He’s a good man. When I bring it up he says it’s his way to relax. I don’t know how much longer I can cope with it. He will stop for a few days when I lose my patience over it then it starts again.
Aside from this he’s a good man. He works hard, he’s a good dad. He would do anything to help.
he‘s my best friend but I am no longer in love with him.

OP posts:
TooBusyGazingAtStarss · 19/07/2023 23:04

Sounds like ultimatum time...

TokyoSushi · 19/07/2023 23:05

10-12 cans a day? You say he's a good man but your post indicates he's a good man with some huge problems. Honestly I'd say that he gets help or you take steps to leave.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 19/07/2023 23:11

Your DH is drinking at least 10 x the weekly recommend level of units per week - the damage he is doing his health is extreme. But the damage he is doing to your relationship and that of his children is more significant, you can absolutely choose not to be part of this, you and your children deserve more.

TheSilentSister · 19/07/2023 23:19

How can he be a good Dad if he takes himself off to a separate room and get drunk every night? He's missing out on so much and it's affecting your relationship. It's well known that addicts have to recognise they have a problem before they seek help. Nagging/ultimatums won't do anything. It's a slippery slope. Time to get your ducks in a row.

DontEatCrisps · 19/07/2023 23:24

I would recommend Al-anon.

Summer2424 · 19/07/2023 23:41

Hi @Mabel77 sorry you're going through this. I have alot of experience in this area, my Dad was an alcoholic and died of it unfortunately, his drink of choice was vodka.
I wish my Dad had the online AA meetings available to him back in the day. I think it would have really helped. If you can, try and get a login for an online AA meeting in your area (you can google it) to start with and literally logon for him and get your husband to listen in on the meeting. I would get him to do a meeting everyday, i personally think it will help and open his eyes to what is going on around him and his excessive drinking.
Hope your husband gets better soon xx

Twilight7777 · 19/07/2023 23:50

With the greatest of respect, all alcoholics are manipulative liars, they are definitely not good men when using alcohol as a crutch. The only way he will get help is if you are not holding him up and supporting him, he needs to hit rock bottom before he’ll get help.

Circumferences · 19/07/2023 23:58

Has he admitted out loud that he is an alcoholic?
Does he want help?

Unfortunately for alcoholics they need to get to the point in their life where they basically need and want help.

If your supporting and enabling his drinking (which sadly you are) he will feel like it's all fine and dandy that there's no problem la la la and just carry on. He'll probably get worse. You'll suffer as a result.

You need to properly kick the boot in I'm afraid, make him realize.

Maybe propose sleeping in separate rooms and living in a trial separation situation in some way?

AndyMcFlurry · 20/07/2023 00:36

DontEatCrisps · 19/07/2023 23:24

I would recommend Al-anon.

Me too. They saved my friends sanity when she was living with her partner ( now ex ).

Please go along @Mabel77 . It doesn’t matter if your husband goes to AA or not, Al Anon is about supporting you ( which will make you stronger for your kids ).

LadyJ2023 · 20/07/2023 01:08

You have kids and off he goes and drinks all that in a short time..wow I wouldn't be staying

Lucy377 · 20/07/2023 01:27

Speak to your kids about his drinking and tell them that's not normal behavior. Maybe you do already.

They are children of an alcoholic who are exposed to excessive drinking, they need support for that. Maybe they'd like to attend an Alateen meeting for teens.

Just because it's not discussed in the house doesn't mean their lives aren't affected by his behavior. It's up to you to provide an opportunity for them to discuss that with you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/07/2023 06:54

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

He works, well till he does not. Does he drive to work?. He’s likely tone rarely if ever sober now as he’s always on a comedown from alcohol.

Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed to start with, are being further eroded by this man now. You are playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses: enabler, provoker and codependent partner.

Why did you write that he is a good man and a good dad?. Why do you lie to yourself like this?. It’s not easier for you to do that. I would also think your kids do not see him as a good dad either. You also write that you find yourself starting to hate him. Women in poor relationships write this when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Alcoholism is also called the family disease for good reason because you’re all affected by the alcoholic.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and just what are they learning here from you two ?.

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. You cannot help him but you can and should help yourself and your kids escape this life of misery and you firefighting the crises. It’s not your job to get help for him (he does not want your help nor support)so do not further act as some sort of a rehab centre to him.

You have a choice re this man and your kids do not. Seeking support from Al-anon is a good start as is seeking legal advice re divorce. Your kids will also thank you for doing this.

NoSquirrels · 20/07/2023 07:03

He would do anything to help.

Except quit drinking.

Please go to Al-Anon yourself, if you do nothing else.

WestSouthWest · 20/07/2023 07:29

My own marriage ended partly due to alcohol. It’s horrible and I’m sorry you are in this situation. From my own experience it’s impossible to make someone stop drinking if they don’t want to, all you can do is draw boundaries to protect yourself and your children. The snoring alone would be a deal-breaker for me. Keeping the entire house awake and sleep deprived because the machine is ‘uncomfortable’ would make me question whether I wanted to remain in the relationship. It’s really selfish.

I tried and failed to change my alcoholic. Ultimatums didn’t work. Offers of help didn’t work. It’s hard when you see someone you care about in active addiction, but I would encourage you to put yourself and your children’s happiness and well-being first. You don’t have to live like this and it’s not your job to ‘fix’ him.

Shapemyeyebrows · 20/07/2023 08:57

@Mabel77 Unfortunately you are both in a state of denial and things will only change when at least one of you sees things for what they are and does something about it. You say he’s a good dad, yet he takes himself off every night to a separate room and drinks 10 to 12 cans? That’s not a good dad. You say he’s a good man yet he’s putting his family through this and not doing anything about his drinking. This has been going on for years yet you still stay with him meaning nothing changes for you, him or the kids. The energy and worry you are putting into this man will be eating up so much of your thoughts, that could be better spent elsewhere. I have been there in the past with a functioning alcoholic, the worry, the anxiety, the denial on my part, but I soon realised and left after a couple
of years of it. Like another poster has said, his main relationship is with the alcohol. You are no doubt propping him up in life by being around and you are actually enabling him. His health will be affected by the amount he drinks which will come out eventually. Are you sure he’s not drinking during the day? As if he can restrain during the day why can’t he restrain during the evenings?

user1469770863 · 20/07/2023 09:15

he's not a good Dad

NewDogOwner · 20/07/2023 09:48

He is not a good dad. He is completely unavailable as a parent every evening. Your children are being damages by this.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 20/07/2023 10:00

When my husband laughed at my request for him to cut down boozing so that he might be sober enough to drive me to hospital to give birth to our second dc that was the end for me. We divorced when dc was 2.

You need an ultimatum. He is not a good dad or husband.

potniatheron · 20/07/2023 10:35

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I agree it's ultimatum time. And if he won't get help then you probably have to leave. Living with an alcoholic destroyes you mentally, physically and spiritually, bit by bit.

pointythings · 20/07/2023 11:50

He is not a good dad, man or husband. All he cares about is indulging his addiction. You have children so my advice is get out. Having an addict parent damages children - mine are testament to that. Tell him to.make the choice: his family or the drink. Then act on it - this ultimatum is for you, not him. You can only help yourself and your children. And you have to do it.

Hibiscrubbed · 20/07/2023 11:58

He’s a fat, snoring alcoholic in denial. Leave.

5128gap · 20/07/2023 12:13

If I were you now, I'd tell him that he must get help to stop drinking altogether or I would leave him. I wouldn't accept any compromises about cutting down, or excuses about stress, or lies that he drank less than he did, or gaslighting that everybody drinks to relax and its controlling to object. I wouldn't tell myself that a pleasant alcoholic is better than a nasty one, so that's OK. I wouldn't tell myself the lie that my presence was necessary to stop it escalating.
I would do my research on the likely trajectory for a person consuming this much alcohol. I would make sure I fully understand what the end of this looks like, and remember it if I weakened from a sense of duty, sympathy or a reluctance to upset the status quo.
If I was you now, I wouldn't waste over a decade of my precious life that I've now lost forever. I'd act now.

Ohmylovejune · 20/07/2023 12:16

My husbands CPAP is notifiable to DVLA and he has to use it to keep his licence. Not sure if that the same for all? His machine records use so can't mess with the truth.

Ohmylovejune · 20/07/2023 12:18

Notwithstanding that he's probably driving over the limit too, if he drives.

Kissedbyfire1 · 20/07/2023 12:20

There’s no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. He isn’t functioning is he? You owe it to your children to get rid of him. I am saying this as the daughter, daughter in law, sister in law and friend of dead, functioning alcoholics.