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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

at the end of my tether

40 replies

newmummy27 · 25/02/2008 20:25

my son was born in November, i have posted a couple of times since then, i do have PND but i feel it is being made worse because of the relationship with my husband and mother. i have never felt so alone and isolated in the whole of my life. i feel i cant say what i feel for fear of being shouted at. i have to keep everything inside and it is making me ill. physically i feel like there is a weight in my chest. in some ways i just want him to leave. the lack of talking and the seriousness and lack of response is something that no human being should have to put up with. i feel like i truly hate him right now. yet this morning i felt like i loved him. i have no help, no-one is interested in me, no ings, no-one comes around. i dont feel like i can take it much longer. the only thing that keeps me going is my son.

OP posts:

stuffitllama · 25/02/2008 20:26

can't read and run but I don't know what to say
do they put you down all the time?

K999 · 25/02/2008 20:28

So sorry that you are feeling like this! Its a tough time for you. You must remember that PND is an illness but that you will get through it!

Where abouts are you? Are there any MN'rs near you?

Original poster

newmummy27 · 25/02/2008 20:32

i feel like i am blamed for feeling the way i do. i genuinely dont feel loved, even though my husband does practical things i dont "feel" loved. he reacts at the slightest things and has no idea how bad i feel. i was lying on the bed and baby was crying and i got shouted at for not tending to him. in around 15 weeks i must have had only 15 hours break in total. is this normal?

OP posts:

K999 · 25/02/2008 20:33

It is very normal to feel the way you do after the birth of a baby. It is an exhausting and emotionally draining time....for all concerned. Have you spoken to your DH about your PND?

Original poster

newmummy27 · 25/02/2008 20:34

i am in the north east. i even got shouted out for coming on here, him saying i wont find any answers on here. how much more does he want to cut me off from the world?

OP posts:

stuffitllama · 25/02/2008 20:34

pnd is an awful thing, my relative had it, you cannot blame yourself

i DIDN'T even have it and I can tell you I remember lying on a bed with the baby crying and me crying and nothing being right and me just thinking -- i don't know what to do

you do need support and someone to tell you you're doing ok and will do ok in the future

K999 · 25/02/2008 20:36

You may not find the answers but you will find support and understanding - something which you need at the moment. Have you spoken to your HV...can she recommed any kind of support groups at all?

Original poster

newmummy27 · 25/02/2008 20:36

thanks k999. yes DH knows about it but he doesnt understand. i am blaming him, although i am not sure how much it is him and his personality or how much is just how i feel

OP posts:

stuffitllama · 25/02/2008 20:36

stay here for a bit
if it makes you feel better and calmer things will go better afterwards
what's your son like? does he sleep and eat regularly or is he a "fun" seeker ?

Original poster

newmummy27 · 25/02/2008 20:38

i feel so trapped. i dont feel comfortable leaving the baby with anyone. and when we have argued i dont want him anywhere near our baby

OP posts:

Original poster

newmummy27 · 25/02/2008 20:41

our son is beautiful, he is perfect, he really is. he is content, happy, he slept through for the fist time on friday night from 10pm until 7am. i feel so awful for feeling the way i do. thanks stuffitllama

OP posts:

K999 · 25/02/2008 20:42

do you have any friends that you can talk to at all or any relatives?

Are you in England or Scotland?

stuffitllama · 25/02/2008 20:43

congrats on the sleeping through .. did you get sleep too?

can you get out WITH your son so you feel less trapped?

Original poster

newmummy27 · 25/02/2008 20:45

in north east england. i dont feel like i can talk to anyone, i just get shouted at or told i shouldnt feel the way i do. i dont feel like anyone truly listens. i am going out with son tomorrow morning, on my own

OP posts:

stuffitllama · 25/02/2008 20:45

do you live with your mum? sorry for firing questions, that what it sounds like

K999 · 25/02/2008 20:48

Perhaps those around you are struggling and are upset to see that you are suffering....somtimes people dont know what to do for the best and they can appear angry and frustrated.....perhaps your HV/doctor could speak to your DH and explain PND to him??

stuffitllama · 25/02/2008 20:49

i'm sorry for the shouting at you, it's terrible when you just need kindness and hugs
do you feel you're not listened to as well

k999 is right, can your hv help in any way ? maybe put you in touch with a (small) group you might be able to join ?

RedJools · 25/02/2008 20:50

Your son is the same age as mine! What is his birthdate? As far as your situation goes, I wouldn't do anything rash just now. I don't know about your dh, but mine doesn't really understand complicated emotions (he's a simple creature!) and if I'm unhappy or down, he snaps at me and gets all defensive, because he thinks I am blaming him. I think a lot of guys are like that. They don't understand that sometimes you just want to tell them how you feel. They think they need to give you solutions. you don't want solutions. They get angry cos their solutions aren't good enough. You feel worse because, as well as not understanding you or helping you, they are now making you feel worse. And so it goes on. Stay here, where there are women! Women will understand you and listen. Men (I know I am generalising- apologies to any men who are emotionally capable!) don't like things they can't fix.
For some reason, mothers can be almost as bad! Mine used to be of the "well, you'll just have to stop whinging and get on with it!" school of thought. People don't realise/ remember how overwhelming it is to have a small baby. Time will improve things for you- are you getting help with your pnd??

Original poster

newmummy27 · 25/02/2008 20:56

no, my mam lives around the corner.she can call and say things that will make me feel terrible, so i have stopped answering the phone. i feel caught in the middle of everyone. my mam and dad both have partners and live seperately so i dont feel comfortable talking to them and they have their own lives. i really feel i dont have anywhere to go. i just want someone to be nice to me

OP posts:

stuffitllama · 25/02/2008 20:57

redjools and k999, you guys are so sensitive, wish mn had been around when I was struggling and feeling wrong with babies

newmum want to send hugs but I don't like the bracket things

Original poster

newmummy27 · 25/02/2008 21:00

redjools i really feel like you understand, this is exactly what is happening.THANK YOU. yes i started CBT last week and am on ADs (sertralene) but i am thinking it is the sitution which is making me feel like this and if i was out of this situation i wouldnt have the depression. but going it alone maybe isnt the answer either. i have been told a coupe of time.. the grass is always greener....

OP posts:

Original poster

newmummy27 · 25/02/2008 21:02

i really feel like you have saved my life tonight. not that i would do anything, but i feel big relief. thank you so much

OP posts:

K999 · 25/02/2008 21:04

Tbh I think we all struggle after the birth of a baby....its just that some struggle a little bit more. This is also perfectly normal and its not always easy to really know 'why' you are feeling the way you do. With both my children I have had real days of despair and then the next day am fine. I suffer quite badly from PMT so I know usually that this is why I feel the way I do. PND is kind of the same......its something that you cannot control and is something that you must never feel guilty about. Its an illness - but can be treated.

You are obviously a wonderful mother and love your son very much. Hold onto that.....even when you are lonely and down remember that he needs you and loves you unconditionally.

I would speak to your HV though...they will be able to offer you the support and understanding that you need.....xx

Original poster

newmummy27 · 25/02/2008 21:17

my health visitor said to me "you know what you need to do" she did seem to understand but basically it was just like "get on with it, you are doing great". i reaaly feel like i am dying inside sometimes

OP posts:

K999 · 25/02/2008 21:19

Well go back and tell her that you need help. FFS she should be listening to you!! In fact, go to your GP and be honest....tell him/her that you are struggling and are needing help......dont be fobbed off by the HV...IMO some of them leave a lot to be desired....

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