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Original poster

Theory about marriage

42 replies

Bobby224 · 19/07/2023 09:36

Wondered on opinions on marriage having had my own 13 year marriage now divorced and in another serious relationship now with the future of another marriage on the cards…..
It seems some people still fancy the pants off their DH after kids/years down the line.
others go off their dh and do not fancy them any more. Are actually repulsed at times (I was in this category with my exdh)

but there was a time I was mad for him and fancied the pants off him but I believe his behaviour over the years chipped away at this until there was nothing left.

So does anyone agree?

I don’t mean in relationships or marriages where you know you have settled and you had doubts from the start, but for those who you were head over heels and mad for; where does that feeling go?

I want to go forward in my new relationship and not fall into the same rut if that makes any sense

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 19/07/2023 09:49

I loved my H when I married him. He was fun, sexy, loving and we were perfect for each other. Then… life. He was unhappy with his but wouldn’t do the work to change it. He eventually developed an anxiety disorder and depression. The seeds were always there looking back but hindsight is always 20:20. Eventually the years of carrying all the emotional load, of being his rock but never having him be mine developed into a seething resentment. I probably should have insisted on counselling but instead I just kept on showing up and doing the work alone until the day I snapped. I was done and we divorced. He is still a cup half empty guy dissatisfied with his life but at least he is now not living in my house infecting me with his misery and I can get on and be happy.

Bowbowbo · 19/07/2023 10:00

I had exactly the same experience. Life happened. I got on with it, he struggled, eventually a terrible thing happened (suicide of his sibling) that just changed him for good. I got out so he couldn’t drag me down too.

Life can be ok and so is the relationship because it’s never fully tested. Some survive severe tests and others don’t. It’s all a bit of a lottery really!

Hope that helps, sorry!

fancifulmanciful · 19/07/2023 10:09

I go off everyone I'm with, usually around the 3 year mark. Sometimes because I change, sometimes because they do.

People rarely stay the same over periods of years.

It's just growing apart.

The original lust and oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine cocktail only lasts so long and is there so you enthusiastically pursue procreation. Once that's done, or not on the cards, that feeling goes away as there's no use for it any longer and you need it for someone else so you can carry on the species.

Babdoc · 19/07/2023 10:13

DH and I adored and fancied each other for our whole 16 years together, right up to the day of his death. I still grieve him, 31 years later, and never remarried.
Love doesn’t die. If you go off someone, then it wasn’t love, just lust.

aboutbloodytime123 · 19/07/2023 10:16

My DP and I still fancy each other like mad after 6 years. I've never experienced chemistry like I have with him. But in many other ways we are very different people and I do sometimes wonder what will happen as we age (we're already late 40s).

frozendaisy · 19/07/2023 10:49

Been together nearly 2 decades, married most of that, still lust after him.

Sex has got better, more intense, easier, we can fit in a lunchtime quickie, have slow morning sex, quick fumble or drink crazy stuff. I feel more confident, I just couldn't imagine ever likely another willy ever again.

We love each other just as much if not more.

I guess it would feel the same not being married but as we gave house, kids together the rest, boring bit, pensions, insurance, next of kin, passport travel etc etc is muc easier with that bit of paper. And in terms of our relationship it was a bit of paper but by god what an important bit of paper.

Might just be lucky.

Might just be our personalities, we are quite lazy, devoted type of people.

Masterofhappydays · 19/07/2023 12:08

I read something a while ago (someone put a link to a research paper on mumsnet and then I went down a rabbit hole), that suggested the majority of women are only sexually attracted to their male mate for a duration of 2-4 years, and this can deteriorate even more quickly after having children.

To me it made a lot of sense.

mimi912 · 19/07/2023 12:12

Yes, I think sexual attraction can be slowly eroded by little things. Every time he complains about something you've done or haven't done around the house, when he never compliments you, when he talks at you, basically, when you turn into a piece of furniture. A woman needs to feel loved, desired and supported. When any or all of those go, he becomes less sexually attractive.

Masterofhappydays · 19/07/2023 12:19

Yes Mimi, that’s so accurate.
Also women notice the little things men don’t do too.

Sweetashunni · 19/07/2023 12:19

I think it’s just the total lack of time to do anything nice together. Remember how intoxicating it was getting dressed up for a date, Saturday night, no rush home, spraying on your perfume and having a glass of wine? Whatever makes that feeling just disappears. We have a 4 year old and baby, and we just tag team basically. We’ve got this far without shouting at each other, calling each other names or having any kind of temporary split so I think we have a solid base and I’m optimistic the sparkle can be revived once the children are a little older. When the youngest is in nursery we’ve resolved to take a day of annual leave per month so we can do something together as a couple - cinema, lunch out, spa, whatever. Once the youngest is 5 I’m going to find a rock solid babysitter and step it up to an overnight.

Original poster
Bobby224 · 19/07/2023 12:20

mimi912 · 19/07/2023 12:12

Yes, I think sexual attraction can be slowly eroded by little things. Every time he complains about something you've done or haven't done around the house, when he never compliments you, when he talks at you, basically, when you turn into a piece of furniture. A woman needs to feel loved, desired and supported. When any or all of those go, he becomes less sexually attractive.

This seems to by my experience
also behaviours more like a teenage son rather than a grown man who can cope and who has my back. Plenty stressful situations with kids were actually worse because he was there, he added to the problem rather than support and make sure I was ok etc major turn off!!

OP posts:
NotBotheredAnymore · 19/07/2023 12:29

A woman needs to feel loved, desired and supported. When any or all of those go, he becomes less sexually attractive.

This. When a woman becomes the default adult in the relationship it is when it slowly starts to fall apart, because that usually means the man becomes the default child, and the majority of women don't want sex with children, nor pick up after another child etc.

HashBrownandBeans · 19/07/2023 12:34

My marriage to my first husband was like parenting another child and it slowly gave me the ick.

I made it very clear to my second DH that I wouldn’t tolerate becoming his mother and in 9 years he’s never ever behaved like a a stupid man baby. No surprise we still have a great relationship and fancy the pants off each other.

I read somewhere that it’s a natural biological response in a woman to be turned off by the man-babies. You’re not supposed to fancy an overgrown child, are you?

JamSandle · 19/07/2023 12:36

I lose desire for a man after about 2 years max. Wish I didn't but it happens every time.

WoolyMammoth55 · 19/07/2023 12:42

Ooh this is interesting OP!

Me and DH met and got together young, 22 and 24. Been 2 decades together! In terms of attractiveness he's just my "type", IYSWIM? I'd double take at him on the street if he walked past :) so that core "phwoar!" reaction doesn't go... Even yesterday he was cutting the grass and I caught myself watching and thinking isn't he handsome, what a lovely bum, and all that jazz... It hasn't faded!

We did a lot of partying and travelling and sucking the marrow out of life for the first 10 years or so - made a lot of memories, cemented all the things we had in common, built a very solid foundation while we were 'growing up' together.

Then felt ready for kids in our mid 30s and luckily had an easy time with that, we have 2 small kids now. The baby years, sleep deprivation, financial hit, plus Covid made things tough for a while - probably our toughest time. DH had some issues with depression and was self-medicating with too many wines... We talked it over, committed to couple's therapy, spilled our guts to the stranger in the room, got some insights, did some mutual apologising for taking each other a bit for granted. DH was massively out of his comfort zone, but he put the work in because the deep love is there. At the end of the day we both wanted to fight for each other.

We are doing well now and I think we're out the other side of a storm. Maybe it could have sunk us but I truly think he's my soul mate, I'm not perfect myself and have my baggage too, so I don't expect perfection from him. Deep down we have a lot of mutual love and respect and that's the starting point for everything else...

As my kids get older I see him in them, they have his smile and his lovely eyes - I have a lot of gratitude for my kids and to him for giving them to me. Also feel like it's such a gift to make a family with someone you love. I feel like our relationship is definitely changing with time but right now it feels like it gets deeper, not that it fades. Realise I'm lucky, obviously!

Sorry if this sounds boast-y or lecture-y; I don't mean it that way, just wanted to share. :)

purplesky18 · 19/07/2023 12:51

As someone who is getting married very soon to my partner of 8 years. I think the key to those long marriages is getting the rubbish years out the way first and then re evaluating if you want to spend forever together. So for me we had young children early on and got our hard years out the way of being generally tired and miserable. At the end of it all I realised I do fancy him still and don’t mind his company, so we decided now was the time to get married. I think those that marry young then get hit with the trials of life often fail because their relationship changes and doesn’t live up to the way it used to be and then suddenly they are stuck in marriage! If that makes sense to anyone!

Wanttobefree2 · 19/07/2023 12:59

SpringleDingle · 19/07/2023 09:49

I loved my H when I married him. He was fun, sexy, loving and we were perfect for each other. Then… life. He was unhappy with his but wouldn’t do the work to change it. He eventually developed an anxiety disorder and depression. The seeds were always there looking back but hindsight is always 20:20. Eventually the years of carrying all the emotional load, of being his rock but never having him be mine developed into a seething resentment. I probably should have insisted on counselling but instead I just kept on showing up and doing the work alone until the day I snapped. I was done and we divorced. He is still a cup half empty guy dissatisfied with his life but at least he is now not living in my house infecting me with his misery and I can get on and be happy.

Wow this sounds like my life, currently divorcing…

CallieQ · 19/07/2023 13:05

I still fancy my DP after nearly 17 years together 🩷

DesparatePragmatist · 19/07/2023 13:11

JamSandle · 19/07/2023 12:36

I lose desire for a man after about 2 years max. Wish I didn't but it happens every time.

This for me, too. Sometimes it's replaced by an ongoing affection and admiration, which is enough to keep making sex enjoyable. Sometimes it's not.

The explanation from PP about the hormonal drivers being set to procreate and then repeat with someone else .are a lot of sense!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/07/2023 14:07

aboutbloodytime123 · 19/07/2023 10:16

My DP and I still fancy each other like mad after 6 years. I've never experienced chemistry like I have with him. But in many other ways we are very different people and I do sometimes wonder what will happen as we age (we're already late 40s).

I like this story gives me hope that I'll meet someone in my 40s!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/07/2023 14:08

NotBotheredAnymore · 19/07/2023 12:29

A woman needs to feel loved, desired and supported. When any or all of those go, he becomes less sexually attractive.

This. When a woman becomes the default adult in the relationship it is when it slowly starts to fall apart, because that usually means the man becomes the default child, and the majority of women don't want sex with children, nor pick up after another child etc.

YES

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/07/2023 14:08

HashBrownandBeans · 19/07/2023 12:34

My marriage to my first husband was like parenting another child and it slowly gave me the ick.

I made it very clear to my second DH that I wouldn’t tolerate becoming his mother and in 9 years he’s never ever behaved like a a stupid man baby. No surprise we still have a great relationship and fancy the pants off each other.

I read somewhere that it’s a natural biological response in a woman to be turned off by the man-babies. You’re not supposed to fancy an overgrown child, are you?

YUP

Chypre · 19/07/2023 14:15

Resentment and hurt are major factors. Quite hard to fancy pants off someone who has repeatedly hurt you (physically or emotionally), or whom you don't respect enough and come to resent him. I've been married for 10 years and yes sometimes I do want to "kill" him over toothpaste splashes in the bathroom and other minor things, but he has never hurt me or done anything to properly resent him. So off with his pants.

oi0Y0io · 19/07/2023 14:18

I mostly go off them quite quickly

AutieNOT0tie · 19/07/2023 14:18

Together 15 years and still really fancy him. It's peaked and flowed over the years tho. He does struggle with mh (past 5years or so) which can be draining at times