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Original poster

Theory about marriage

42 replies

Bobby224 · 19/07/2023 09:36

Wondered on opinions on marriage having had my own 13 year marriage now divorced and in another serious relationship now with the future of another marriage on the cards…..
It seems some people still fancy the pants off their DH after kids/years down the line.
others go off their dh and do not fancy them any more. Are actually repulsed at times (I was in this category with my exdh)

but there was a time I was mad for him and fancied the pants off him but I believe his behaviour over the years chipped away at this until there was nothing left.

So does anyone agree?

I don’t mean in relationships or marriages where you know you have settled and you had doubts from the start, but for those who you were head over heels and mad for; where does that feeling go?

I want to go forward in my new relationship and not fall into the same rut if that makes any sense

OP posts:
Here4thechocs · 19/07/2023 14:30

NotBotheredAnymore · 19/07/2023 12:29

A woman needs to feel loved, desired and supported. When any or all of those go, he becomes less sexually attractive.

This. When a woman becomes the default adult in the relationship it is when it slowly starts to fall apart, because that usually means the man becomes the default child, and the majority of women don't want sex with children, nor pick up after another child etc.

Good gracious Lord !!!!! How have you so effortlessly articulated my thoughts of over the last decade and a half ? Goodness ! I could miss you on the cheek over & over again for this.

I wish men understood this. We love alpha make. We love responsible , self aware men !

Here4thechocs · 19/07/2023 14:35

WoolyMammoth55 · 19/07/2023 12:42

Ooh this is interesting OP!

Me and DH met and got together young, 22 and 24. Been 2 decades together! In terms of attractiveness he's just my "type", IYSWIM? I'd double take at him on the street if he walked past :) so that core "phwoar!" reaction doesn't go... Even yesterday he was cutting the grass and I caught myself watching and thinking isn't he handsome, what a lovely bum, and all that jazz... It hasn't faded!

We did a lot of partying and travelling and sucking the marrow out of life for the first 10 years or so - made a lot of memories, cemented all the things we had in common, built a very solid foundation while we were 'growing up' together.

Then felt ready for kids in our mid 30s and luckily had an easy time with that, we have 2 small kids now. The baby years, sleep deprivation, financial hit, plus Covid made things tough for a while - probably our toughest time. DH had some issues with depression and was self-medicating with too many wines... We talked it over, committed to couple's therapy, spilled our guts to the stranger in the room, got some insights, did some mutual apologising for taking each other a bit for granted. DH was massively out of his comfort zone, but he put the work in because the deep love is there. At the end of the day we both wanted to fight for each other.

We are doing well now and I think we're out the other side of a storm. Maybe it could have sunk us but I truly think he's my soul mate, I'm not perfect myself and have my baggage too, so I don't expect perfection from him. Deep down we have a lot of mutual love and respect and that's the starting point for everything else...

As my kids get older I see him in them, they have his smile and his lovely eyes - I have a lot of gratitude for my kids and to him for giving them to me. Also feel like it's such a gift to make a family with someone you love. I feel like our relationship is definitely changing with time but right now it feels like it gets deeper, not that it fades. Realise I'm lucky, obviously!

Sorry if this sounds boast-y or lecture-y; I don't mean it that way, just wanted to share. :)

@WoolyMammoth55 llease , don’t be sorry. Yours is the sort of balanced , real story I love to read. Congratulations 👏 I wish you two a lifetime of happiness together. It’s a great feeling, fancying your partner of so many years.
I wish I had that.

Suchab · 19/07/2023 14:39

The signs are always there though with these men. I think women are blinded by the heart on the early days when they should be listening to their head.

ManAboutTown · 19/07/2023 14:58

The stuff about the chip chip chip resonates with me.

It happens to us blokes as well. My ex stopped working after the kids started school and gradually slipped into a "posh mummy" life style

I can say after you've done a 10 or 12 hour day coming home to a litany of complaints doesn't help life

CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 19/07/2023 14:59

mimi912 · 19/07/2023 12:12

Yes, I think sexual attraction can be slowly eroded by little things. Every time he complains about something you've done or haven't done around the house, when he never compliments you, when he talks at you, basically, when you turn into a piece of furniture. A woman needs to feel loved, desired and supported. When any or all of those go, he becomes less sexually attractive.

This. 100%

guineacup · 19/07/2023 15:00

Babdoc · 19/07/2023 10:13

DH and I adored and fancied each other for our whole 16 years together, right up to the day of his death. I still grieve him, 31 years later, and never remarried.
Love doesn’t die. If you go off someone, then it wasn’t love, just lust.

I'm sorry for your loss and continued grief, but using your experience as the yardstick for every marriage is plain stupid.... and to characterise the feelings of those of us whose marriages haven't endured as merely "lust" is as ridiculous as it is offensive.

I know what lust is; I've felt it many times, including over lengthy periods during my marriage, but that doesn't remotely correlate to the love I felt.

Babdoc · 19/07/2023 15:37

guineacup, I stand by my definition of love. It is not a temporary thing. It requires both partners in the relationship to totally commit to each other, to respect each other, and to vow to love them for their entire life. There is a reason why the Christian marriage vows are worded as they are.
I am sure plenty of people think they are in love. Sometimes their partner is a charismatic narcissist or abuser, and they don’t find out what they are really like until later. But they were in love with a false image, not the real person underneath.
There’s an old poem:
”I can’t forgive you. Even if I could
You wouldn’t pardon me
For seeing through you.
And yet, I cannot cure myself of love
For what I thought you were
Before I knew you”.
Genuine love means loving your partner as much as yourself, of receiving that in return, and of wanting to spend eternity with them when this temporary life is over.

Suchab · 19/07/2023 15:57

@ManAboutTown

i agree it works both ways. So many people of both sexes just stop making any effort at all once marriage and kids are here. That’s why so many marriages fail. Little things add up over time to a big problem.

DontEatCrisps · 19/07/2023 16:01

Still head over heels, been married 20 years.

guineacup · 19/07/2023 16:47

Babdoc · 19/07/2023 15:37

guineacup, I stand by my definition of love. It is not a temporary thing. It requires both partners in the relationship to totally commit to each other, to respect each other, and to vow to love them for their entire life. There is a reason why the Christian marriage vows are worded as they are.
I am sure plenty of people think they are in love. Sometimes their partner is a charismatic narcissist or abuser, and they don’t find out what they are really like until later. But they were in love with a false image, not the real person underneath.
There’s an old poem:
”I can’t forgive you. Even if I could
You wouldn’t pardon me
For seeing through you.
And yet, I cannot cure myself of love
For what I thought you were
Before I knew you”.
Genuine love means loving your partner as much as yourself, of receiving that in return, and of wanting to spend eternity with them when this temporary life is over.

Firstly, although I disagree with you, I understand that you may believe that those who divorce didn't have "true love", but to characterise this supposed "phoney love" as just lust simply shows no understanding whatsoever of the emotions and feelings involved.

Secondly, people change... both partners change through marriage. Your view appears to be based on the misconception that we have fixed characters throughout our lives. It's perfectly possible for people to grow apart.

It's your life to live of course, but I think it's a shame you've appeared to decide to live for decades as some kind of modern day Queen Victoria after Prince Albert's death.

Allthecheeseplease · 19/07/2023 16:51

Yes, absolutely this happened with my first husband. Been with my second over 10 years and the attraction hasn't dwindled at all.

Original poster
Bobby224 · 19/07/2023 16:57

See I can still find guys attractive that I’ve fancied 20 years ago but who haven’t hurt me. So I still have the same type and I can fancy people long term but once that turn off feeling hits I can’t seem to go back again. Some really reassuring stories here and similar to a pp, I’ve told my future dh what put me off in my previous relationship so he’s aware. We are not planning any kids together also which I think can be a big factor in the ick setting in too.

OP posts:
Allthecheeseplease · 19/07/2023 17:00

Babdoc · 19/07/2023 10:13

DH and I adored and fancied each other for our whole 16 years together, right up to the day of his death. I still grieve him, 31 years later, and never remarried.
Love doesn’t die. If you go off someone, then it wasn’t love, just lust.

I'm so sorry for your loss and it is wonderful that you found someone that you cherished so much. It is so sad for you that you are still grieving over 30 years later.

Your definition of love may be true for you it is not the truth for everyone. You can't say that because that's how you feel then that's how everyone feels.

Also, the reason Christian marriage vows are worded that way are nothing to do with love. It's to do with sin. As someone who was raised catholic and married in a catholic church love doesn't really come into it. It's more to do with bonding in the eyes of God and it's a sacrament so it can't be broken.

People can love more than once. Love has many forms. Peoples capacity for love is different at different stages of their lives and in different circumstances.

It's not as black and white as you believe, although I do believe that is what is true for you.

Many people remarry after the death of a partner. It doesn't mean they didn't love them, it also doesn't mean they are replacing them.

Lust is also a healthy part of love. It is a good thing to lust for your partner. Romantic love or the initial first flush fades to something deeper as a relationship moves forward. It takes hard work and constantly showing up for each other, every day. Magical thinking doesn't provide lasting love.

guineacup · 19/07/2023 17:05

@Babdoc

There is a reason why the Christian marriage vows are worded as they are.

Where there is "true love", surely there are no need for Christian marriage vows, made in public in the presence of God.

The whole point of the vows is that they form a promise and social contract to stay together, come what may , irrespective of feelings of love. The vows are based on duty, not love... It's only in fairly recent history that people routinely married for love.

perfectcolourfound · 19/07/2023 17:09

I fancy the pants off my DH (and vice versa) and we're quite old and together a long time!

I think it's because there's still respect and no resentment...we both pull our weight, put the same effort in to our relationship, laugh loads together and show affection every day. He still makes my stomach jump sometimes.

AskNotForWhomTheBellCurves · 19/07/2023 17:39

purplesky18 · 19/07/2023 12:51

As someone who is getting married very soon to my partner of 8 years. I think the key to those long marriages is getting the rubbish years out the way first and then re evaluating if you want to spend forever together. So for me we had young children early on and got our hard years out the way of being generally tired and miserable. At the end of it all I realised I do fancy him still and don’t mind his company, so we decided now was the time to get married. I think those that marry young then get hit with the trials of life often fail because their relationship changes and doesn’t live up to the way it used to be and then suddenly they are stuck in marriage! If that makes sense to anyone!

I'm glad this worked out well in your case, but I think having children with someone results in being a lot more 'stuck' than marriage does! I definitely wouldn't choose to have children early on as a way of testing whether the relationship would last.

Ofcourseshecan · 19/07/2023 17:48

Babdoc · 19/07/2023 10:13

DH and I adored and fancied each other for our whole 16 years together, right up to the day of his death. I still grieve him, 31 years later, and never remarried.
Love doesn’t die. If you go off someone, then it wasn’t love, just lust.

That is beautiful, Babdoc. You and he created something wonderful. Some people never achieve that. So sad that it ended too soon. Flowers

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