Beginning of the end

[Whatishappeningtome1]

I've been married for nearly 20 years. Everything was great until we had our child and my husband has found it difficult to accept that he doesn't have my full attention. Roll on 10 years later where our son is now 10.

I've noticed the last few months my DH has been very into his looks and has lost a bit of weight and working out. There's also been a change in his phone habits and the other day I looked at his phone. I know I shouldn't but I just have a gut instinct. Nothing on it and search history had been deleted apart from that days and there were things like. How to tell if a lady is flirting with you. Does this mean she's in love with you. I've taken screen shots.

Also we were at the gym together and he was just constantly looking around. And maybe I'm paranoid but I saw him just share a slight bit of eye contact with another woman. I called him out on the constantly looking around for someone and he said he wasn't and why am I so suspicious but I just felt it.

My problem is do I say anything more? Or just let it roll and see what happens? If I say something he'll know I've been on his phone and then will find no more evidence? I'm very sarcastic so finding it very difficult not to make comment on knowing if someone is flirting etc.
What would you do?

Personally I would watch and wait. In the meantime though I'd be 'getting my ducks in a row' in case there's a surprise around the corner.

Hi OP trust your instinct we always know when something changes. I personally would play the waiting game. Those searches are a huge red flag something might not of happened but wait watch and try not to show your cards too early if you did your husband will lockdown his phone. I know so many people on MN say we shouldn’t look at each other phones but most of the time that’s how we find out about an affair.

Yes. The biggest mistake would be to say anything now or even carry on in the manner you are. You have some knowledge now. Go quiet but totally alert to what you suspect and start digging.

Years ago I had a colleague and she parked up and watched her DH come out of the gym from a parked car on the first day she suspected. Bingo. There he was kissing the OW.

You admit the relationship hasn't been great the last 10 years. Rather than turning detective and trying to prove his infidelity, I'd be coming at it from an alternative angle - finding some quiet time together to talk to him openly and honestly about the state of your relationship and whether you have something worth working at (on both sides) to try and save.

@tanjaav that's a rather refreshing way of looking at it on MN.

I'm really not sure how I feel about it. Quite surprised at the moment.

I think many men go through a 'have I still got it phase' - especially in long marriages- some act on it, some don't- and many women are oblivious to it or don't care - but I would certainly bare it in mind that your OH appears to be going through this phase. Now you are aware of it though you will I think be more aware of any red flags cropping up. As the previous poster said, it might be time to have a casual chat one evening , try and bring it up naturally rather than an accusation and don't make him aware of what you saw. It just drives it underground.

@Whatishappeningtome1 true story now - a man held the door to the gym open for me and we exchanged pleasantries but afterwards I thought he seemed familiar. I couldn't remember where from. Then I saw him again at the gym with a woman. I looked at them both a few times over the next hour, trying to remember where I knew him or them from. I tried to glance at them without staring, but someone else might have described me as 'looking around'. I did eventually remember where I recognised him from. Could it be something as innocent as this going on with your DH? It could also explain his searches, i.e. if someone's occasionally looking at him in the gym, he might want to work out why?

It’s tough to say there could be so many reasons why he’s suddenly becoming more invested in himself.

For me there’s two things to do, you either wait and see what happens and just keep a focussed eye on it for anything suspicious.
Or,
chat to him, admit the last 10 years have been hard and ask if you’re both okay. Tell him you’re feeling worried and miss the quality time you used to have together. Now your child is 10 could you and your dh spend a bit more time on your relationship and have more dates to get things back on track?

He was definitely looking out for someone. I could just tell. I'm finding it really difficult to no say anything. I hate people thinking they have one up on me. Probably not the right attitude to have but that's how i feel.

I don't think he's done anything yet as his messages and call history etc are still there and his passcode hasn't changed but I can tell a shift in his behaviour. He's even had a load of new clothes delivered to the house today. That's practical unheard of. I have to usually beg him to replace a tatty shirt.

What exactly does 'getting your ducks in a row mean'?

It means planning for the worst

Get copies of all financials - bank statements, mortgage/rent agreements
Salary slips if possible
Passports
Birth certificates

Anything you might need if things get nasty

Copies of any text messages/emails you might come across

Balls. I think I've been really naive. Everything is online. All our savings, all our payslips, pensions etc. We barely get any post! I've always let him look after the money and as shallow as it sounds as long as I've been able to buy what I want when I want I've not been fussed about the rest. I don't know any passwords to anything.

We are just sending my DS to a different private school which if we were to split I would no way be able to pay half the fees.

I need to get all of the paperwork and knowing where are savings even are sorted even before I think of having a chat. But then in the meantime he could be being pursued by another woman and I'm just letting it happen!

I've always believed I'm not his keeper and everything is his choice so if he decides to do something I don't like then so be it. I'm not his Mum to tell him off and tell him not to do things but this is bigger that.

I have pushed him away over the last few years. Not really giving him much attention or affection.

Well I went onto his phone again this morning while he was in the shower and he'd spent the evening googling 'signs your co worker likes you' etc etc. It all sounds very immature. He's a grown man! Does he not know if someone is flirting with him!!!

He's also announced that he is going to London for a meeting sometime next week. This happens very occasionally but it was like he was asking for my permission. Kept saying is that ok? I just said yes of course it it's fine if it's for work. What else can I say?

Feel like I'm waiting for the inevitable to happen...

Has he brought up your lack of attention and affection? Asked why? Booked a weekend away, a dinner date, a shared experience? Suggested counselling? Tried to address it in any way?

Sounds like you recognise perhaps things haven't been perfect between you. I suppose only you can decide if you want to change this.

On a purely practical note, some intimate time shortly before he goes away might head things off somewhat.

@omgsally - yea he has brought up the lack of attention and affection many many times. We've got into a real rut. Or I have. We get on well. Go on dates, have holidays just the two of us but I just don't want se with him. And I feel like every time we do have a cuddle he's expecting sex so it's kind of put me off a bit. He try's it on all the time and it does get a bit boring.

If he's not happy with the sex in the marriage then he should be talking to me about it. Not looking for it elsewhere. Once he was suspicious of me as I was friends with a bloke at work and he did say I hope you have the integrity to finish things before you do anything. I wonder if he remembers that. And I wasn't doing anything but I was flattered by the attention so I do know what it's like.

Why wait for proof of something, it’s not been right for 10 years.

I think you need to talk to him op. It feels like you’re waiting for something to happen and I know it’s hard. Is there a reason you don’t want to be intimate with him?
It’s great you two have quality time together but you admit there’s something not right. Would a break apart help both of you decide what you want? It sounds like you’re very much great friends who are married and lost your spark.

Well I've really messed up. Last night I confronted him and said his behaviour has changed and I believe someone at work has a crush on him and he's flattered. He completely denied it. I had to bite my tongue so hard to say well I know that's the case as you've been online searching it and I have screenshots. I said I'm asking you to tell me the truth and he said no definitely not nothing has happened. This was just as we were getting into bed and he had his phone with him. He's now deleting the history. Then he made an excuse to go downstairs and I am 1000% sure he took his work phone from the drawer in the hallway. Went into the kitchen and 30 secs came back out. I was at the top of the stairs and heard the drawer close as it's quite noisy! Again I said I know you've been on your work phone. Why would you do that and again he completely denied it. I kept saying I'm not stupid.

I regret saying anything as no I've just drove it underground and I cannot get on his work phone. It's completely locked down with work password.

Or I should have gone down the stairs when he was in the kitchen and watched him out the phone back so I could call him out on that.

Either way I've messaged up and not going to find much else out now. He's going to be on high alert.

Why are you waiting for evidence ? You don’t need it.
Do you think you are going to be happy moving forward, constantly wondering where he is, who he’s with, who he’s texting ?

You reacted like almost everyone would, so don't beat yourself up. Your emotions are sky high right now. Deep breath. You're caught in this terrible limbo of knowing and yet not knowing. It is truly mind altering. I said it before but its worth repeating. Please take very good care of your mental health. Being in this situation will drive you to the brink. You don't want it to be happening but it is. You must face it. Limping around it will do you no good. I'm not advocating announcing divorce but I am advocating a call to action in some way. Either go away for a few days or get serious with a way of finding out (PI or trackers. Be extremely careful with how u do this BTW. Make certain its all untraceable) or simply say to him that you know what's happening, u don't want to hear his gaslighting and lies and that he either comes clean now or the marriage is over. Tip toeing round, getting increasingly anxious will drive you literally insane.

@omgsally - thank you for your words. We have a very very comfortable lifestyle. Neither of us want to rock the boat I suppose.

The thing is he knows I know he's lying!!! I could ask for anything today and I would get it as he's being all nicey nicey.

We have been in this situation once before. About five years ago. He and a school mum exchanged a couple of messages. They were fairly innocent but very flirty. I threw his phone at him told him I'd seen them and he acted devastated. He never spoke to her again. Cut her off completely. We made up but it's never been the same but the other night when this all started I knew I had that same feeling as I did five years ago and I want wrong!

I'm really annoyed I confronted the situation last night. And poorly. I just hate to be made a fool of.

So don't be. It's very important to your future sense of self to hold on to your dignity, self worth, self respect.

This exactly and both of your pension statements too. You will need a copy of your marriage certificate too if you end up going for a divorce. If he is looking around for someone don't get taken by surprise. Just say nothing but get all your ducks in a row in case you need them. If you have a joint bank account glance through your recent statements to see if he is spending money in new places. If you think your marriage is worth saving you could organise a romantic holiday or meals out and see how he responds. If you think it's run its course and you are no longer in love with him then see how it goes but I'd rather part in an amicable way before any infidelity occurred rather than afterwards.

Why not just call it quits or lay it all out on the table to see if there's anything worth saving. You already say the past 10 years have been poor and it sounds like little tryst between you both (he's been messaging others and accusing you) plus you aren't even having sex which is a huge red flag. There's plenty to address here already never mind his hew behaviour

Why are you worrying about infidelity when you don't love him or want sex with him?

Why not spend the energy planning your life proactively?

What is your income; can you support your own household if you split? In not, time to focus on amping up your career and earning power ASAP.