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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Beginning of the end

37 replies

Whatishappeningtome1 · 19/07/2023 09:35

I've been married for nearly 20 years. Everything was great until we had our child and my husband has found it difficult to accept that he doesn't have my full attention. Roll on 10 years later where our son is now 10.

I've noticed the last few months my DH has been very into his looks and has lost a bit of weight and working out. There's also been a change in his phone habits and the other day I looked at his phone. I know I shouldn't but I just have a gut instinct. Nothing on it and search history had been deleted apart from that days and there were things like. How to tell if a lady is flirting with you. Does this mean she's in love with you. I've taken screen shots.

Also we were at the gym together and he was just constantly looking around. And maybe I'm paranoid but I saw him just share a slight bit of eye contact with another woman. I called him out on the constantly looking around for someone and he said he wasn't and why am I so suspicious but I just felt it.

My problem is do I say anything more? Or just let it roll and see what happens? If I say something he'll know I've been on his phone and then will find no more evidence? I'm very sarcastic so finding it very difficult not to make comment on knowing if someone is flirting etc.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 22/07/2023 13:22

Oh you need to throw him at whichever twit he’s desperate for at the gym and run! He sounds utterly vile.

ThisIsntMyUsualUsername · 22/07/2023 13:25

Your thread title is spot on. It is the beginning of the end.
Make plans. Figure out how to dissolve the marriage as cleanly and with as little fall out for your son as possible.

camtsaywho · 22/07/2023 17:57

I don't know if I have got this right from your posts but if sounds a bit like you aren't interested in him but don't want to split because of the lifestyle his earnings afford you ?

He has spoken about this numerous times but nothing changes.. and now you are surprised he may be looking around ?

Is that the situation OP or am I misunderstanding ?

Original poster
Whatishappeningtome1 · 22/07/2023 18:09

camtsaywho · 22/07/2023 17:57

I don't know if I have got this right from your posts but if sounds a bit like you aren't interested in him but don't want to split because of the lifestyle his earnings afford you ?

He has spoken about this numerous times but nothing changes.. and now you are surprised he may be looking around ?

Is that the situation OP or am I misunderstanding ?

Yes. To be fair you are probably pretty spot on. However regarding the earnings I earned at least 3 x his salary for many years but at the time he was texting another woman, I had a very highly paid job but needed to travel to the far east often. He wasn't particularly happy with this and I was very stressed with the texting with another woman so I eventually left my job. I honestly think I'd have had a breakdown if I hadn't. I had a year off and then got an average very local job so I could do school drop offs and pick ups so I feel like ref the earnings we have been equal
over the years. I'm sure he will only remember the times since I left my directorship job and the little earnings I have earned since.

OP posts:
NoDatingFor0ldMen · 22/07/2023 18:34

Unfortunately it sounds like the marriage is over, you don’t really love him , or like him or want to have sex, and are in it for the lifestyle

why not just call it quits now and split

camtsaywho · 22/07/2023 19:07

Then tbh it's really not v fair on him to keep him thinking that you are interested when you aren't .

Your lifestyle will definitely change but a good divorce settlement based on what you have given up to take on the child rearing roll is your best option. It doesn't have to be adversarial if you choose mediation and put the children's interests front and centre..

The infidelity is really not here or there but you can't really expect someone male or female to just sit around and wait for you to show them interest.

Because the male -female divide or child care usually falls to the woman i situations like this usually end in a man looking to plug the emotional/sexual gap with an affair aa it's the only way to remain with the kids .. whilst women simply leave with the kids if it's them being denied sexual and emotional connection... both try to 'have it all' ..

Sounds like 50/50 would be the best fit for you both but would require a lot of work life balance rearrangement.

LawnmowerBlues · 22/07/2023 20:23

Yeah, it's hard to know what to say to this one. After 10 years of rejection his head has been turned. What's the point of launching an investigation and staging a confrontation over his obvious crush on a colleague? Just tell him again that you don't want to listen to any denial, you get it, it's come to an end on both sides, at least nobody has had a full-blown affair (yet) so you can end things in a civil way and both start enjoying life properly and maybe find people who will love you.

He's denying it because he's not sure of this other woman's feelings for him yet. If she does reciprocate, he will change his tune with you. I'm not saying this to demonise him, as I don't think either of you have handled this perfectly (fair enough, we are all human). But face up to it and give up on the idea of forcing a confession out of him. You know the score already.

LawnmowerBlues · 22/07/2023 20:31

I suppose what I don't quite get is - what do you want him to say? Are you wanting him to confess and repent? To confess and admit it's over between you? To convincingly deny so that you can tell yourself things are OK?

Whichever it is - I'd say let go of it, and think about what you want, and tell him what that is.

neilyoungismyhero · 22/07/2023 20:42

It sounds to me like you are both happy with your lifestyle which is very very comfortable and easy but neither of you really love each other anymore particularly you, you don't want a sexual relationship with your husband. You don't give him any attention or affection..it all sounds pretty grim but you're both in denial. You need a proper discussion.

Original poster
Whatishappeningtome1 · 22/07/2023 20:47

LawnmowerBlues · 22/07/2023 20:31

I suppose what I don't quite get is - what do you want him to say? Are you wanting him to confess and repent? To confess and admit it's over between you? To convincingly deny so that you can tell yourself things are OK?

Whichever it is - I'd say let go of it, and think about what you want, and tell him what that is.

No I'm not sure what I want either. Five years ago we just went through the whole denial thing and carried on as normal as could be. Now it's him that's doing the rejection and yes it's harder. I know neither of us want a broken home for our child but when I offer the chance to come clean and he doesn't take it. Again. It's hard. I am in these kind of situations bury my head in the sand. Any other situation and I'm right in there.

I never thought I'd be the one to turn a blind eye...

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatishappeningtome1 · 22/07/2023 20:51

neilyoungismyhero · 22/07/2023 20:42

It sounds to me like you are both happy with your lifestyle which is very very comfortable and easy but neither of you really love each other anymore particularly you, you don't want a sexual relationship with your husband. You don't give him any attention or affection..it all sounds pretty grim but you're both in denial. You need a proper discussion.

It's not particularly grim. We are like housemates. We go on nice couples holidays but that's it. And yes I'm not ashamed to say probably neither want to give up the lifestyle that we both provide for

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 22/07/2023 20:57

Whatishappeningtome1 · 22/07/2023 20:47

No I'm not sure what I want either. Five years ago we just went through the whole denial thing and carried on as normal as could be. Now it's him that's doing the rejection and yes it's harder. I know neither of us want a broken home for our child but when I offer the chance to come clean and he doesn't take it. Again. It's hard. I am in these kind of situations bury my head in the sand. Any other situation and I'm right in there.

I never thought I'd be the one to turn a blind eye...

Show quote history

If he did come clean, what would you do? It seems you don’t want to leave your marriage, even if it is one of convenience.

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