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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Struggling with lack of sex in relationship.

46 replies

notfullofthejoys · 19/07/2023 07:28

Been with DP 2 years. Both 40. He is absolutely wonderful, kind, caring and just a joy to be with.
However our sex life is going down at the moment. We both historically have a very high sex drive, and we had an amazing time together for the first year. But he is very overweight, and is on medication for hypertension and water retention. His water retention gives him sore legs and he is just not wanting sex at the moment - it's been a month at the moment which is an eternity for me.

Selfishly, I'm really struggling with it. I feel rejected and unattractive, and it's making me sad and depressed. We have talked about it and he is very reassuring that he still wants me and the attraction is still there (we don't harp on about it, we've had a conversation last week) but the longer it goes on the worse it gets for me. I don't put pressure on him obviously, I try to be my normal self in bed.
Just wanted advice and to chat about it really. He is trying to lose weight and I'm supporting him through that. His health is paramount to me.
Just feel a bit crap at the moment I guess.

OP posts:

Sunflowergirl1 · 19/07/2023 07:33

Why is he so overweight? Is he prepared to start addressing that.

Have you explained how you feel and the impact the lack of intimacy has on you?

Original poster

notfullofthejoys · 19/07/2023 07:41

For the same reason most overweight people are - he had a period in his life where he ate too much. He also has a stressful job and works very hard.
Yes I have told him but not in depth. I don't want to make him feel bad and out pressure on him to have sex out of duty, that isn't what I want at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

notfullofthejoys · 19/07/2023 07:41

And yes, he is trying to lose weight.

OP posts:

Original poster

notfullofthejoys · 19/07/2023 09:22

Anyone?

OP posts:

Mammadaisypaisy · 19/07/2023 09:25

Would you both consider sex therapy? And/or perhaps therapy for yourself to work out your feelings?

If this never changed, could you stay?

Original poster

notfullofthejoys · 19/07/2023 09:40

I'd not even considered sex therapy, I guess because it isn't the fact he doesn't want it, it's down to the medication he is on. Yes I think maybe I should talk to someone, I'm sure most people who are in this situation don't feel so crap. I do t want him to feel bad about something that isn't his fault after all..
I don't know long term. Sex is a massive part of how I love and feel loved, it's really important to me. But I love him more than I ever though it was possible to love a man, and he is a good one. He's lovely, he is always there for me, he's kind and he is always steady and calm. Men like him don't fall from the trees and I don't want anyone else!

That's seems ironically cruel - after some real shits, I've finally found the love of my life, who I find incredibly attractive. Who is amazing in bed and absolutely gorgeous and who doesn't want to have sex with me.

OP posts:

QueenBakingBee · 19/07/2023 09:51

Are you still showing each other affection and intimacy is other ways OP? Then you can stay connected while going through this. The 3 minute game by Dr Betty Martin may be good - video on youtube. It sounds like you really care about each other - invest the time in it just like you do in other parts of your life.

Mumtothreegirlies · 19/07/2023 10:00

I think the key to a long and happy relationship is not years of absolutely perfect amazing sex and wonderful perfect moments, it’s about riding the peaks and troughs and understanding that it’s not always going to be amazing.

Just like if you were both single, they’d be times when you’d go out and look for a partner, look for sex and other times you be focusing on yourself and other things like work and health and perhaps go without sex for months or even years.

it’s hard but only because you’re in a relationship and of course you want to feel validated. but if you except he has some current health issues that he’s needing to address, and
You are openly communicating with him about how you feel. Then you might just have to accept that this is just a quieter sexual period in your life. If you let it manifest into something really negative then you’ll end up losing your relationship with him, whereas sitting tight you have a better chance of getting back to where you once were.

cultkid · 19/07/2023 10:28

Aww it sounds like you love him so, so much.

Talk to him. He sounds great. He will want to know how you feel. Perhaps he feels you find him undesirable whilst his weight is higher.

Pinkdelight3 · 19/07/2023 10:34

I get that sex is important and helps a person feel attractive, but it's quite extreme to feel unattractive and rejected when you haven't had sex for a month for a very specific and clear medical reason. He isn't rejecting you or finding you unattractive. He's in pain because of his medical condition. The fact that you know this logically but are still struggling so much points to it being more of your own issue to work on rather than a relationship problem per se. There'll be many reasons in life why someone won't be having sex with you, for years at a stretch at some point most likely. You need to find ways of coping with it without your self-image and esteem taking this kind of hit.

Of course, if it's a bigger issue with DP and he'll be out of action a long time and you can't countenance that, then that's a whole other thing. But in this case, I think it's more sensible to get your head around living without intercourse for a while longer, getting your sexual satisfaction in other ways, alone if necessary, and finding your sources of validation in other ways.

Tighginn · 19/07/2023 10:36

I think having health issue's related to weight at 40, it's a downward slope.

Original poster

notfullofthejoys · 19/07/2023 10:37

Thanks everyone. Yes I fully accept it is something in me that struggles with this, but I also have a really high sex drive which doesn't help! There have been some really helpful messages so thank you all. Apart from the unasked for PM... 🤔 😂.
Yes I love him very, very much.

OP posts:

Hibiscrubbed · 19/07/2023 10:47

notfullofthejoys · 19/07/2023 10:37

Someone sent you an unsolicited direct message? Report it. You get predatory men patrolling threads like this looking to get their jollies. It’s gross.

Suchab · 19/07/2023 10:59

Are you sure he has a high sex drive before he met you or are you going off what he has told you?

Original poster

notfullofthejoys · 19/07/2023 12:09

The first year we were together before his health deteriorated was enough to firmly establish that he definitely has a good sex drive. Probably not quite as high as mine (which is a curse rather than a blessing tbh!).

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Original poster

notfullofthejoys · 19/07/2023 12:09

Will do @Hibiscrubbed

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Bananas1350 · 19/07/2023 12:32

I have been with my husband for 23 years. We have defiantly had good times and definitely had times where we have not been happy. But I do agree with u that sex is vitally important. But. What keeps us together in between is the affection. I am going through. perimenopause. A side effect of that is for months on end I can have light but continuously bleeding. So sex is out the window

but then I ramp up the fooling around. The sessions of just lying in bed and kissing. Laying gently next to each other and rubbing against each other. Full sex isn’t always what has kept us together. A quick boob grope while cooking 😂. Nothing that requires a lot of physical exertions.

I do understand the other side though. Having medical problems is draining. And not wanting be touched when feeling like that and just wanting to be left alone is key.

Original poster

notfullofthejoys · 19/07/2023 12:41

The last thing I would ever want @Bananas1350 is for him to feel like he has to do anything he doesn't want too. More than anything I want him to be healthy.
He's not a particularly tactile person which I think doesn't help. We do cuddle in bed though. I miss a good snog and just being touched I think almost more than sex.

OP posts:

Bananas1350 · 19/07/2023 12:58

@notfullofthejoys i always think the affection side is just as important as it keeps it all going until u have sex again. It is something I had to keep telling my husband until he got it. Affection breeds affection if u see what I mean.

I have had periods of my life with my husband where I have not been capable or even want to and our relationship has gone down hill. So we are very hot on keeping that side going. Even if it is just a smooch or a quick grope as he walks passed.

I think it is important in these types of situations where talking about it is key. Keep the lines of talking about this subject as open as u can. And don’t feel like ur doing anything wrong expressing how ur feeling. When I was feeling like that my husband always started out with understanding what I was feeling. But he always wanted me to know that I was loved and how much he still found me attractive. And that helped a huge amount. Just knowing that.

i have put on alot of weight because of hormones and feel self conscious. But my husband has never let me feel it is a problem. One of the nicest things he has ever said was he would find me sexy even if I was very overweight and was dressed in a black sack. He said this one I was at my lowest and I cannot tell u how much that helps. Ur husband is probably feeling a bit crap about himself right now. So maybe some words from u about how u understand but u still think he is sexy etc.

Original poster

notfullofthejoys · 19/07/2023 13:38

Thanks for that @Bananas1350. Oh I definitely tell him how sexy he is! 😂

OP posts:

Bananas1350 · 19/07/2023 13:42

Good. As it really does help. After writing all of this I went into the kitchen and had a good grope of my husband 😂

the one thing I have taken away from all of this is … if there are reasons for the sex and affection to stop ( and life always makes that happen ) it is alway harder to get it started again. It really does take a lot of effort ( as I have found out ) so when I’m coming out of a bad place I really do have to make the effort.

so maybe for now he just needs ur support in other ways. But when he is feeling better get back on the bandwagon ( sorry couldn’t think of any other word 😂) as the longer the dry spell is the harder it is to break.

In the meantime maybe find a good erotic book to read 😂😂😂😂

Original poster

notfullofthejoys · 19/07/2023 13:49

Thank you @Bananas1350. I'm ordering a bloody rabbit!!! Will definitely have a chat with him at the weekend when we are both relaxed and talk about how we go forward with this.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 19/07/2023 14:02

I'd be very concerned that a 40 year old needs to take anti-hypertensives and diuretics. If he's retaining water to the extent that his legs swell, that could indicate some heart disease too.
Apart from losing weight, it sounds like a lifestyle change is in order. Consider his alcohol intake, any smoking/ drug use and regular exercise.

Bananas1350 · 19/07/2023 14:04

Yes. It is hard isn’t it. No one told me how much work a relationship is. U don’t think about about it when ur young and it’s all starting. u think it will just stay the same the way it is.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 19/07/2023 14:09

Buy a rabbit and teach him how to use it on you. See if he's open to finding different ways for you to stay intimately connected while he works through his own issues.

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