Struggling with lack of sex in relationship.

[notfullofthejoys]

Been with DP 2 years. Both 40. He is absolutely wonderful, kind, caring and just a joy to be with.
However our sex life is going down at the moment. We both historically have a very high sex drive, and we had an amazing time together for the first year. But he is very overweight, and is on medication for hypertension and water retention. His water retention gives him sore legs and he is just not wanting sex at the moment - it's been a month at the moment which is an eternity for me.

Selfishly, I'm really struggling with it. I feel rejected and unattractive, and it's making me sad and depressed. We have talked about it and he is very reassuring that he still wants me and the attraction is still there (we don't harp on about it, we've had a conversation last week) but the longer it goes on the worse it gets for me. I don't put pressure on him obviously, I try to be my normal self in bed.
Just wanted advice and to chat about it really. He is trying to lose weight and I'm supporting him through that. His health is paramount to me.
Just feel a bit crap at the moment I guess.

what did he weigh when you met him and what does he weigh now? I’ve been obese many times in my life and it definitely has an impact in how physical I want to be with my husband. It’s a self esteem issue.

He is waiting on cardiac referral and nephrologist referral too.

Weight wise he has probably put on about 4 stone since we've been together. He's always been big, but carries it very well and it never had an impact before. Now it very much is. He is trying hard to lose some, he doesn't smoke/drugs and has given up his 2 beers a week! 😂 he finds exercise difficult due to the pain in his legs.

It's not simply a case of having him please me, if he felt physically well enough for that he would. It's just he is sore and hurting a lot of the time.

That much weight gain in a short amount of time, water retention and general lethargy all point to a serious condition especially at such a young age unless he is over 25 stone or something. He may well have impotence problems. He can’t be feeling well in himself. What is his height and weight?

I hurt my shoulder badly doing weights and the pain lasted for ages I found swimming really helped me keep myself moving.

He's about 24 stone, 6'1.
When it works there are absolutely no issues - definitely all full working order. It's more the soreness/tiredness. He is under investigation.

Okay so 4 stone in 2 years he is tall so his BMI is around 45 which is high but not unmanageable. I would be concerned that his hypertension hasn’t been well controlled and it’s led to heart and kidney damage because the pain in his legs and the water retention isn’t that common at his age, height and weight. Is he getting headaches during sex and ejaculation too this is common in hypertensives. He needs to get the pain and swelling dealt with asap and not over do things having sex. Start trying to swim everyday being in the water moving will help with the pain, the water retention(venous flow) and his general mood. Do you have a BP machine at home? Take regular readings.

I don’t like BMI, it’s rather a blunt tool, but using it it suggests that at 24 stones, he’s 11 stone over his healthy weight for his height.

With that in mind, him being in leg pain, suffering retention, lethargy and potentially cardiac issues, are not a great surprise.

You aren’t concerned by the reasons behind the weight gain, so maybe it’s time to make some serious lifestyle changes together. Feeling leaner and more active together would probably be a massive boost to his sex drive.

We monitor his BP (I'm actually a nurse!). He is waiting for referrals to come through but nothing is happening quick enough of course.
Absolutely no chance do swimming everyday, he works mad hours and is genuinely that busy it isn't doable, but I'm going to suggest we try as often as we can.

I am massively concerned, his health terrifies me. We are currently making changes and I'm supporting him as much as I possibly can.

Seems like he’s in good hands is his job a sitting down one?

Ok, I got the wrong end of the stick from this:

For the same reason most overweight people are - he had a period in his life where he ate too much

I assumed it meant you knew why he’s gained so much weight, which meant working together could tackle it.

As a nurse you’ll know the position he’s put his body in. Embarking on a new lifestyle together and seeing the effects of it, especially if he starts to feel better - even from small weight loss - will be powerful. I’m assuming as you’re not in the same weight boat as it were, that he won’t feel patronised or pushed of course.

I'm afraid so @4weeknoalcohol.
I'm carrying a bit too much @Hibiscrubbed but not to that extent. Oh we are definitely addressing the weight, we both know the risks of it and how much it will impact his health and the conditions he has.

A sitting down job is a huge health risk in his condition. He needs to be moving around more.

He is trying @4weeknoalcohol. It's so difficult when exercising hurts and he doesn't get time, but we are trying.

@notfullofthejoys trying is good. No one is perfect. And changing ur lifestyle etc round is a huge change. Keep trying. And keep trying together ❤️

The first year we were together before his health deteriorated was enough to firmly establish that he definitely has a good sex drive.

AKA, the honeymoon phase.

You acknowledge that his medication and medical conditions have contributed to his reduced sex drive but still appear not to fully get that there’s not much he can do about fulfilling your wants. What possibly are you going to say in yet another talk, that hasn’t already been said?

What if his sex drive doesn’t return to honeymoon phase levels? For as much as you love this man your sexual incompatibility will probably kill your relationship.

It bloody well won't @AgentJohnson!
I just came on here to talk things through and chat to people with experience in this sort of situation. I didn't come for a magic wand to be waved as I know that isn't possible.

And of course I get it! I'm exceptionally aware of it!

@AgentJohnson if someone gives up straight away becuase of a small thing like this then why bother getting married in the first place.

I have had many years of medical problems that have stopped me having sex. And yet my husband stuck by me. And now we have an amazing sex life. Been on holiday for two weeks and have mostly spent that time in bed together.

just becuase it isn’t working now doesn’t mean it won’t in the fixture. For better or worse in sickness and in health. Fighting for ur relationship is what people do. Not giving up as he is currently unable or not in the right frame of mind.

Maybe side effects of medication or could he be a bit depressed ? Has he always been big or has he just put weight on?