“Booking a time to speak to your partner”

[randommangoandpear]

I’m 6 months pregnant with our second and DP and I have not been getting along at all. We went to therapy and I shared my feelings, one of which is that I don’t feel listened to or heard. I could be in tbe kdidle of something and DP will be walking to another room or up the stairs etc .

Therapist said I should be telling DP I have something important to talk about and can we discuss it later on at x time.

I’ve sacked off therapy, DP and I had a long chat and I have been trying to move forward despite some shady behaviours of his, and was just sat on the sofa having put DS3 to bed. Started talking to DP about the baby, and how we were induced with our first, the differences, my worries etc

He’s half heartedly listening whilst watching YouTube videos. I explain this is upsetting me and he brings up the therapists suggestion as above!!

Am I right to be massively fucked off? I’ve just come up to bed, what is the point.

It would be nice if he listened anyway, but if you try saying have you got a second
or can we talk
can I have your attention for a minute, and then you get his completely undivided attention, then it works doesn’t it and that’s probably worth it.
and if you don’t have his attention still, then you know you won’t ever.
seems worth a shot to know

My SIL uses that technique with her rather selfish DH. It seems to work for them. If he thinks of it like a business meeting he's more likely to give her his full attention.

Maybe try following the advice the therapist gave you?

@HundredMilesAnHour It was my understanding that the therapist meant if I had something of high important to discuss to use it. I’m not going to book in a slot to speak to DP whenever I want to talk to him, surely!!

After several years humphing that I shouldn't have to do this and why can't he hear that I've started talking to him for God's sake...

I've accepted that DH's brain just can't process incoming voices if he's not ready for them.

I now start with his name / "are you listening" "I need to talk to you" and if it's really important "please put your phone / iPad down as i need you to concentrate and I'm not saying this twice"

It works

I do this with my DH. Most of our conversation is boring in the extreme but if I want to talk to him about something proper, we generally agree a time to do it when we can both focus on it (and vice versa).

I think the therapist's suggestion is a good one, actually.

We talk all the time about minor stuff and we chit chat.
If there's something important, I do book time with my DH or else save it til we're in a good place, where we've got space and time to actually listen to each other.

He mentioned something off the cuff the other week. I think it's important we talk about it properly, so I gave him a "holding" reply. And I'm planning on bringing it up when we're away on holiday next week so we can discuss properly

X post with @mynameiscalypso

Who said it better and much more succinctly than me!

I think the therapist has made a good suggestion. You don’t have to ‘book’ time but starting with saying you’d like to discuss something and can he put down the phone.

Imagine having to book an appointment to have a conversation with a man who is supposed to love and respect you, otherwise he will just block out the sound of your voice.

The bar is so low it is in Australia.

@SwordToFlamethrower This is how I feel.

The therapist idea was a good one. There will be times when both of you are able to concentrate or not so it’s better to choose a time when you’re partner can give you what you need.

Why did you sack of counselling? Where you expecting them to say you were right and DP was wrong?

@Caravanvirgin No, I ended therapy because it felt like a CBT approach which doesn’t work for me. They had no real interest in us discussing any of the real life behaviours DP exhibited which caused huge damage to our relationship (flirting with another woman, going out all night and turning his phone off etc)

We had to “put it behind us” in order to “move on”

Fair enough, but I wanted to talk about how those things impacted me in a safe environment, where DP would have to listen and we wouldn’t argue.

wasn’t allowed!

From his perspective, you've just put the toddler to bed, presumably he's been working/doing childcare all day, he's just sat down to stare at his phone for a bit (we've all been there) and you want to start talking about the birth of your second child....I can see why he might not be in the space to talk about it right then. When he starts talking do you immediately drop everything, no matter what space you're in, to listen to him?

I think the therapists suggestion is good. I have some friends who have a jar where they drop in anything they want to talk about and then they make time to go through it and chat through what's in there. It works for them.

(If you're going to drip feed that he doesn't work, doesn't do any childcare and does nothing around the house and had in fact been on his phone all day then, yes, he should be listening to you, but in that instance poor communication is the least of your problems).

I do this with my DH. Most of our conversation is boring in the extreme but if I want to talk to him about something proper, we generally agree a time to do it when we can both focus on it (and vice versa).
Similar here. It means that we can't get frustrated with each other for not dedicating our focus to a topic that matters. We tend to be clear when something is "this is something that requires specific focus/insight" as opposed to general chit chat.

On the other hand if someone is in a relationship where even the mundane chat isn't listened to and they don't feel valued in the relationship, it could feel like they're having to schedule time to be acknowledged rather than mutually finding time to dedicate some attention to a topic.

I disagree with some of the posters on here.

OP, I think you understand the concept of 'sitting down' with someone to talk about something extra important. However, it sounds to me like you don't feel listened to most of the time.

The issues is that he is not mentally available. A lot of people aren't necessarily all the time, and are prone to daydreaming or trying to multi task, but an emotionally intelligent who cares about your feelings would stop what they were doing and look at you to show you have their full attention, particularly if it sounded important or upsetting in some way.

He sounds like he's often mentally occupied doing something else, not really present, not really ready to listen so you frequently feel like you're having to interrupt him, like someone having to interrupt someone reading a book.

Your partner is taking the therapist's well meaning suggestion and totally taking the piss with it, and no, you should not have to book His Royal Highness' time like this! Honestly, in your shoes I would go 'Sorry, am I fucking boring you'???

My ex had lots of rules about when we could have 'heavy' chats, for example we clashed in that I liked to clear the air before bed otherwise I couldn't sleep but he didn't want to just before bed he preferred to wind down and sleep and then talk about things when we weren't so tired and emotional. If can be tricky to balance those needs. But I do think that 'I've got something to talk about do you have the headspace now' is a good idea and if they don't then they need to reassure you they think you're important and say when AND not wait until they're nagged to follow up.

Why did you sack of therapy? That's the kind of thing it would be helpful for - we've tried this strategy, I found it tricky because xyz then they can help you adapt it or create more rules around it

Oh ok I just read this update sorry

I think find a new therapist sorry.

(And I'm sorry you're going through this. My relationship went down hill when I was pregnant and he ended up waking out at 8m mid argument. I always wonder whether therapy would have either helped us work through it or made us realize in a less dramatic and traumatic way that we weren't compatible so I wish I'd done it in hindsight)

I think another thing to say is a 'need' like 'I need some reassurance right now' or 'I neeedto feel supported' even if you don't have the full ok convo in the moment.

I do think as a pregnant woman your needs should be prioritized where possible as well - he might need to relax. But you need to sleep

Ps 'going out all night and turning his phone off' my ex did that the week before he walked off too- apparently me not being able to sleep when he did this was irrational anxiety that I needed professional support for 👀 I think you're right to have sacked that therapist but a new one might help discuss the issues important to you. Please confide in friends as well x

Two issues here.

1. he seems like a bad egg
2. you haven't given the suggestions a go and then assessed if they work for you

I have to book in time to discuss important things with my husband because he's an introvert. We also have an agreement not to bring up important topics after 9pm as we're both too tired!

@Unexpectedlysinglemum oh yes, the “irrational anxiety.” I do suffer severe anxiety so he likes to throw that one around.

First pregnancy was awful, constant arguing. In the end it transpired he was “scared,” and to be fair to him he turned it around once DS was born, and is an amazing father.

But, some of the same behaviours have crept in now I’m pregnant again, and even though he says he is excited for this one I feel like he is ONLY excited for this baby and our son, and doesn’t really care for me.

We used to both work, we each did part time and looked after DS on alternate days. Eventually we decided he would go back full time (he owns his own business) and I would be a SAHM. Biggest mistake ever. I HATED my toxic job, but now I am bored to tears and miserable!

I think that is why I’m so keen to just talk to him whenever. My family all live abroad as well.

@Flittingaboutagain Well, I did just go downstairs and confront him about this and he said that he’s had a stressful day and I was bringing up something depressing (worries about this pregnancy) which he doesn’t want to think about, as he likes to assume everything will be fine with baby. Basically saying he doesn’t have the head space for it at this time of night after a stressful day.

I want to empathise but there’s a huge part of me that feels “I’m fucking 6 months pregnant, look after me and listen to me!”

Maybe I’m being selfish.

That sounds lonely, I can fully understand why you're fucked off.

I think reasonable might have been, I'm just half way through this video on how to fix that outside light, can you give me two minutes and then lets' have a cup of tea and a chat about it.

Not, I'm not listening to anything you say unless you've scheduled an apointment to talk to me.

I don't think he's taken the advice in the spirit it was intended, and being deprioritised by someone who's baby you're carrying in favour of YouTube without good reason, isn't going to make anyone feel good.

You're allowed to get your needs met too