“Booking a time to speak to your partner”

[randommangoandpear]

I’m 6 months pregnant with our second and DP and I have not been getting along at all. We went to therapy and I shared my feelings, one of which is that I don’t feel listened to or heard. I could be in tbe kdidle of something and DP will be walking to another room or up the stairs etc .

Therapist said I should be telling DP I have something important to talk about and can we discuss it later on at x time.

I’ve sacked off therapy, DP and I had a long chat and I have been trying to move forward despite some shady behaviours of his, and was just sat on the sofa having put DS3 to bed. Started talking to DP about the baby, and how we were induced with our first, the differences, my worries etc

He’s half heartedly listening whilst watching YouTube videos. I explain this is upsetting me and he brings up the therapists suggestion as above!!

Am I right to be massively fucked off? I’ve just come up to bed, what is the point.

You're right to be fucked off.

Kindly, I've found men talk and listen- particularly with regard to 'personal' things - in a very different way to women. Thye get very thrown and aggy if it comes at them 'out of the blue'. and I think your therapist gave you a good tip which your partner seems to think might help him. Try saying - hey, I want to talk about some things about the birth or xyz - when's a good time for you?

Also going back to needs you could just say well if you don't want to discuss and reassure me, which would make me feel better, you could also make me feel better by cuddling me and saying some nice things about the baby and telling me when you will have some head space which would show me you do think my feelings are important. He should at least be able to do this

The book men are from mars women are from Venus is really good with this stuff I think you should stick on audio book and listen together next long car journey

Sorry, why does anyone's need to talk right at a particular moment about something pretty heavy, trump someone else's need for a bit of down time?

He'd probably be up for some light conversation and a laugh, but after a long day,
the relief at the end of the day when you can just unwind is bliss, thank fuck all the jobs are done, the children are asleep, etc. Unless it's urgent, he's probably thinking, do we really have to talk about this RIGHT now?

before I bring up something important to me, I do 'read the room' to a certain extent and wouldn't just come out with something that is heavy when it's clear that the other person is winding down and might not appreciate it. I might say, I have something which is really important to me, do you have a minute? And a loving partner might say, sure and put their phone down or, I am really interested , but I don't think I can give you all of me right now as I'm tired, can we chat first thing?

@BatheInTheLight i guess it doesn’t. Not sure, my brain just isn’t wired that way. Maybe I’m selfish!

I know that I would always stop whatever I was doing to listen, though. Maybe that’s where my frustration comes from.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. If he was going through some life changing physical and emotional current event that you knew he was worried about and you brushed him off and told him to book an appointment to talk to you later because you were busy on Instagram, would that make him selfish? Nope. Would it make you selfish? Probably.

A year ago this idea would have made my blood boil.
But now, a year on.. this way of approach really does make sense.
Everybody is different, and everybody reacts differently to more in depth/ stress fuelled conversations. Sometimes it really does take planning. Even if it is just to mentally set aside time for one another to really listen and switch off from everything else.
Please give it a go. If he is on board with it, it cannot hurt your relationship to give it a try. It was professionally recommended after all. X

I don't think you sound selfish. Maybe just that you aren't appreciating that maybe he isn't the same as you. I think listening and communication in general is different for different people. I find it exhausting! I really, really have to concentrate and even then it's still a struggle. My retention of names of people and places also isn't that great.

Mobile phones have a lot to answer for. When a man is on one and is saying 'yes', 'ok', 'I will' in reply to this, that and the other, I guarantee only 20% of what is being said, is actually being heard, at most! It's better to say, 'hey, can we have a chat and put down the phones for ten minutes?', rather than trying to compete with a device. If he's resistant more often than not, then sadly his phone is his greater priority.

I don't think you're selfish. I get if it was a serious kind of convo requiring lots of detail and lots of input then yes, make him aware you have something on your mind and would like to address it with him so could you talk about it at such and such time.
But for wanting to talk to him about your worries to do with the pregnancy, yeah I think your need for some reassuring words and physical reassurance trumps his need for some down time on his phone. Surely helping in that kind of situation is part and parcel of being in a relationship? Its what you do for someone you care about and love. I wouldn't dream of ignoring my partner about something mental health/anxiety related so I could sit on my phone. They are worried, I could help with probably as little as 10 mins of reassurance so why would I not do that? I can sit on my phone afterwards once I know my partner is OK and feeling better about his worries 🤷🏻‍♀️

It sounds like he's just not available to you as you would expect your partner to be

Do you feel like he respects you?

I would struggle in your situation, you're not asking for the world, just to have a conversation with your partner! It's shouldn't be that hard surely

I don't know that anyone has to be labelled selfish do they? Does it have to be that one of you is 'good' and the other 'bad'? Does it have to be either your fault or his? I'd say you've just got different communication styles/needs. If you want the relationship to succeed you need to find a solution that meets both your needs, compromise.

I'd judge him on his willingness to work towards that rather than his communication style itself.

I think it would be better if you saw a therapist alone, that way you can talk through all your anxieties and worries with her rather than dp. It's really, really tough I think to be around someone who is constantly worried about things that probably will never happen, but at the same time it's not your fault that you feel anxious.

I think this is just one of many problems though that are all feeding into each other and making you unhappy. I would also talk those through with a therapist - and maybe start thinking about whether this is a relationship worth staying in. If he's staying out all night and flirting with other women then maybe it's time to leave.

If you do see another therapist make sure they are with BCAP as anyone can call themselves a counsellor or therapist.