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Original poster

Is this a relationship deal breaker

34 replies

Gingemermaid · 18/07/2023 20:40

My long term boyfriend and I split up for 9 months in which time he started seeing a much younger woman at work. After a few months he finished the relationship and we started seeing each other again.

He still works with her which I accept, but during the time they were together he introduced her to a hobby he has with his mates and she turns up on social occasions to which I am not invited ( as he thinks it would create bad feeling for his mates himself and her) .

I am not ok with this and have asked him to do something to change the situation which he is refusing to do.

I don’t think there is anything going on romantically, however it doesn’t sit right with me especially as they have exchanged private messages outside of the group what’s app which he initiated and offered her a lift “with the boys”

Should I put my foot down and offer an ultimatum or suck it up and hope she gets bored of hanging out with a group of old men ?

OP posts:
Epidote · 18/07/2023 20:59

She seems a attention seeker and she is having it by the look of it. She will get bored but she will enjoy the attention in the meantime. I would leave the relationship and let them doing their business and hobby together.
He doesn't care about you neither she has any respect for you or herself.

KarrieKoKo · 19/07/2023 17:41

Id be really annoyed and uncomfortable with this as well if I were you. It depends on how much it’s actually effecting you. If you find it’s playing constantly on your mind and has you on edge you have to try and explain once again what this is doing to you. Did she break it off, or did he? If he did, it’s very likely that she still likes him and wants to be around him. Maybe it’s the only way she still gets attention from him. I mean, if it was me in her shoes, no way would I be hanging about with a guy I used to be with and still work with. Seems quite pointless. Is she turning up to work social occasions, or occasions outside of work? If it’s outside of work and not work related, who’s telling her or inviting her to these things?

TaigaSno · 19/07/2023 17:49

When I started reading your post I was going to say you can't stop either of them doing the hobby so you should tolerate them both being there.
But then I saw the part about him offering to give her lifts and exchanging messages. That would be the deal-breaker for me. He is willing spending additional time with her. Whether or not something is still going on, that's disrespectful to you and your relationship. I think you deserve better.

Original poster
Gingemermaid · 19/07/2023 21:10

He says he finished the relationship .

they were working together at one company and moved to another together which made it awkward .( he got her a job interview)

As far as the hobby is concerned . She’s on a group what’s app so she gets to know when events are going on. It’s not work related.

when we were seeing each other I wasn’t really bothered that he went off with his mates at weekends as I have my own interests but now it bothers me.

I’ve asked to go along but my partner says it would create an uncomfortable atmosphere.

it makes me anxious when I know thee is an event coming up especially if it’s an overnight / three day thing.

originally we had agreed that he would tell me if she turned up and would t invite her but I have since found out he initiated a conversation asking her if she was going .

I feel pretty betrayed :-/

this isn’t the first time I’ve found him texting another woman … that’s why we split the first time.

I just feel that he wants his cake and eat it and does t take my concerns seriously.

He thinks I should chill out ! 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
teacherteacherss · 19/07/2023 21:22

Bin him

Tallulahss · 19/07/2023 21:39

The fact that he knows it bothers you yet just tells you to chill says alot about him!!
If it was the other way round and it was u spending time with an ex would he just chill?

piedbeauty · 19/07/2023 21:46

He should be prioritising you. Not her. But he's not. He's doing the opposite. You need to think about what this means, then think about what you want to do.

strawberry2017 · 19/07/2023 21:46

You are not his priority. If you were he wouldn't care about hurting her feelings.

YoSof · 19/07/2023 21:48

Yeah put him in the bin.

He’s prioritising her feelings over yours.

Lifeistough74 · 19/07/2023 21:49

Confront her and find out what’s going on in the WhatsApp group and then explain to your boyfriend you will investigate the chat group , that way you can pull him for a lovely conversation and enjoy each others company in private at your boyfriends flat or your house xxx

Grab some wine or his favorite booze and get him to spill the tea over 4-5 drinks and then offer comfy pillows.

HundredMilesAnHour · 19/07/2023 21:51

I'm normally very pro men having female friends but this isn't that. There are too many red flags here of which the biggest one is his behaviour.

What he should have done is step back from the hobby for a while and waited to see if she also stepped back. That might have fixed 'the problem'. Instead he's going on weekends away and seems to be actively encouraging. I wouldn't trust him, and that's before you wrote that he has a track record.

thecatinthetwat · 19/07/2023 21:56

It sounds a bit sketch to me. Put the boundaries in place that you need (eg not messaging her etc.) and if he doesn’t stick to them then it’s over I think.

Hibiscrubbed · 19/07/2023 23:54

this isn’t the first time I’ve found him texting another woman … that’s why we split the first time.

You would be mad to trust this guy. Fucking hell. 🚩 everywhere. In the bin with him.

MsDogLady · 20/07/2023 06:47

originally we had agreed that he would tell me if she turned up and wouldn’t invite her but I have since found out he initiated a conversation asking her if she was going.

this isn’t the first time I’ve caught him texting another woman … that’s why we split the first time.

*You’re being excluded from the social occasions so that his Ex can be prioritized.

*You’ve expressed your discomfort and asked him to make changes, but he refused.

*He has broken your agreement that he wouldn’t invite her, and in fact has messaged her privately to ask if she’d be there and to offer her lifts.

*He has history for this, which caused your previous break-up, yet he is repeating the pattern. He hasn’t changed.

*The validation he gets from seeing his Ex socially means more to him than your feelings and boundaries.

Yes, @Gingemermaid,this would be a dealbreaker for me. I’d be walking away and leaving them to it.

Epidote · 20/07/2023 06:57

If you broke with him in the past for this
Kind of behaviour on his part. Why are you still with him?
Put yourself first. Let him go for your own good.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 20/07/2023 07:05

Do other partners get invited on the hobby trips? Your partner has split with this woman so his mates and her should be able to accept that he'll have a new relationship at some point. All this "it will cause bad feelings" is bollocks. Sounds like he's still sniffing round this woman and giving her mixed messages. I personally wouldn't continue with this relationship as he doesn't respect you.

RantyAnty · 20/07/2023 07:44

Bin him.
He really isn't the only guy on earth.
See him for what he is, a liar, cheat, disrespectful.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 20/07/2023 07:46

This is what happens when you take them back, you spend years like this and then they fuck off eventually anyway when you’ve served your purpose.

Flashingtealights · 20/07/2023 07:48

So there has been more than one occasion where you have caught him messaging other women. He's disrespecting you time and time again, but as you've taken him back he feels that he can get away with it without facing any repercussions. He's going away with this group for 2-3 days at a time, with her tagging along. I'd be wondering if he was being honest about them splitting up completely. If you want to know how someone will treat you in the future look at how they have treated you in the past. You have your answer. There will be more messaging women to come

Aprilx · 20/07/2023 07:51

Why on earth would you get back with him. You are wasting your time.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/07/2023 07:52

Run. He’s a walking red flag 🚩

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/07/2023 07:54

I would throw him in the bin, but I wouldn't tell him this was why because I wouldn't want his ego to be stroked, and I wouldn't want her to be all proud of herself for splitting you up.

I would just say that I realised I didn't really like him and realise that actually I was been happier when we were apart.

Seaoftroubles · 20/07/2023 08:09

Wake up O.P, he's having his cake and eating it! You at home and her on the side when he's socialising and away on trips.
Bin him asap and then raise your bar!

rainbowstardrops · 20/07/2023 08:15

I think the major red flag here (and there are plenty), is that he won't allow you to go to the hobby too. I'd tell him to jog on personally.

SunflowerTed · 20/07/2023 08:16

Just wondering why you are with somebody you dumped for messaging other women and now you’re back with him???? You clearly don’t trust him and he is clearly disrespecting you!! The only solution for your piece of mind is to end it!! He is NOT going to change his behaviour and you are enabling it