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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner not happy

30 replies

Zaneeb · 18/07/2023 17:43

Hey, looking for abit of advice.
My DH is not happy with my ex DS dad attending school performances with me present.
Although he has his reasons, I feel like this is rather controlling and lacks trust!
I feel like I am stuck in the middle. I feel that's it's only right my DS dad should be allowed to attend school performances etc. I have expressed as much but I get my head bitten off, and told that it should be my DH attending as he has raised him and taught him to be a respectful young lad etc. (we've been together 5 years & my son is 11)
So I offered for him to go, but he couldn't give me a definite answer because of work, I said if you cannot commit then I'm going to give the other ticket to his dad, which he was not happy about.
I ended up going on my own with a spare ticket as he couldn't make it and I felt too uncomfortable to ask my DS dad for fear of the agruments later.

Opinions please guys.

OP posts:
Skinnybluebody · 18/07/2023 17:45

Who does your son want there? Give the ticket to whoever that is

DustyLee123 · 18/07/2023 17:45

Of course dad should go ! You dont have to sit together

billy1966 · 18/07/2023 17:48

This is what an abusive relationship looks like.

Is this completely unusual or the norm

Your fear is not normal nor healthy.

Please call Womens aid for a chat.

Good men do not behave like this.

You are being bullied and intimidated by him.

Your son deserves better that this.

Call Womens aid and look at leaving this relationship if this is part of a regular pattern of behaviour from him .

StSwithinsDay · 18/07/2023 17:49

Who does your son want there? Give the ticket to whoever that is

This.

Shoxfordian · 18/07/2023 17:50

He sounds abusive and controlling - assuming your sons dad has contact and looks after him as well then he should go to all that stuff

StSwithinsDay · 18/07/2023 17:51

You are afraid of him. That is the bottom line.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/07/2023 17:52

What a prick.

PimpMyFridge · 18/07/2023 17:55

Most reasonable adults can understand why a child would benefit from having both parents attend significant life events.
The fact he not only didn't but is kicking off is deeply unpleasant and morally repugnant.
He's blocking this young man from the opportunity to have his father where his father should be.
If your DH feels he's should be the only father then he is doing him a disservice.
If your DH is judging the ex is not a worthy father he should step aside and allow the ex to demonstrate that through his own actions.
Is he going to tell this young lad he's blocked the father from showing his face... What's that telling him!?
Your Ds should get too day who goes and if your DH kicks up a stink about that he's not the benign child rearing hero he thinks he is.
Ffs

Aprilx · 18/07/2023 17:56

Is it your partner per thread title or your husband per your post? I really really hope it is just a partner and you can more easily extract yourself, this sounds very worrying.

Cloverforever · 18/07/2023 17:57

This is what coercive control looks like. How sad for your son.

Original poster
Zaneeb · 18/07/2023 18:16

Thankyou for the replies. He is only my partner not husband, so DP? Didnt know the abrievation sorry! We have another service to attend tomorrow. And my DS dad has txted me and asked if he could attend and i have said thats absolutely fine. Told my partner and he was not happy. He said if it comes down to it and only 2 people can go then he wants to come, and not his dad. Saying hes done nothing to bring him up, which i dont agree with. My son sees his dad every weekend and has a very good relationship with him. My partner is currently outside in silent mode drinking.

He makes me feel uncomfortable at drop offs too, i have to be very short and sharp at the door. If he hears me having a feminine voice or laughing with DS dad, i will get questioned on it later.

Me and DS son used to be friends before, and we got on well even after seperating. I did tell my partner very early on that i was on a night out once and ex showed up and he asked if he could come home with me, which i refused. So all of this stems from that i believe. That was around 7 years ago. And we have not been together for about 10 years.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 18/07/2023 18:17

You need to get away from him.

GrazingSheep · 18/07/2023 18:18

Does your son’s father know how you are treated by this man?

CrazyArmadilloLady · 18/07/2023 18:24

So basically he’s saying to your son that if he can’t go, your son can’t have his Dad there either?

This is so pathetic.

Doesn’t this just give you the massive ick?

What a sad, insecure, pathetic man-child he - sulking, and making this all about him, and his needy insecurities - instead of about your son, having his parents there to watch him at a special event.

You’re prioritising this sad sack over your son. Please don’t do that.

EVliving · 18/07/2023 18:26

100% DS should go. Your DP needs to grow up and stop being an know about it.

Yea2023 · 18/07/2023 18:31

You need to put your son first, why should his dad not be there to support him?

Your DP sounds awful, what’s his relationship like with your son?

If DP cannot trust you then he shouldn’t be with you. The issue is him not you.

Original poster
Zaneeb · 18/07/2023 18:32

Oh, he never says this to my son, only me. My son has no clue! Thank god! My ex is cottoning on. My partner is struggling with his drink, 1L bottle of whiskey a night. I cant stand the agruments anymore, ive got therapy next week to talk through things. What im worried about is my son loves him and gets on very well with his 2 children, they see themselves as family. I feel very stuck! Im worried im going to be seen as the bad guy. And im actually so worried right now he may find these posts?!

OP posts:
Tootsie1984 · 18/07/2023 18:35

Zaneeb · 18/07/2023 18:16

Thankyou for the replies. He is only my partner not husband, so DP? Didnt know the abrievation sorry! We have another service to attend tomorrow. And my DS dad has txted me and asked if he could attend and i have said thats absolutely fine. Told my partner and he was not happy. He said if it comes down to it and only 2 people can go then he wants to come, and not his dad. Saying hes done nothing to bring him up, which i dont agree with. My son sees his dad every weekend and has a very good relationship with him. My partner is currently outside in silent mode drinking.

He makes me feel uncomfortable at drop offs too, i have to be very short and sharp at the door. If he hears me having a feminine voice or laughing with DS dad, i will get questioned on it later.

Me and DS son used to be friends before, and we got on well even after seperating. I did tell my partner very early on that i was on a night out once and ex showed up and he asked if he could come home with me, which i refused. So all of this stems from that i believe. That was around 7 years ago. And we have not been together for about 10 years.

But even if that was the reason, it happened before you and your partner were even together? This isn't fair on your child. He deserves to have his dad at events, especially as he has a close relationship with him. Your partner doesn't get to decide that he is more entitled to go.
You really need to consider how this is going to work long term.

GrazingSheep · 18/07/2023 18:51

He’s an alcoholic as well
Can your son live full time with his dad ?

AuntMarch · 18/07/2023 18:55

You are too scared to put him straight... that's not a relationship. Get rid of him!

Pashazade · 18/07/2023 19:20

You're living with an alcoholic this will damage your son. You need to leave.

Sarah180818 · 18/07/2023 21:49

I have a DD from a previous marriage and myself and ExDH attend things together all the time. My DH would love to go and is not 100% okay with the situation but he would never dream of telling us both not to go. He gets that that's just the way it is and it's what's best for DD. Sometimes he attends things and likes to be involved but he would completely understand if there were only two tickets, if would be me and ExDH that would go

Opentooffers · 18/07/2023 22:05

2 problems, the alcoholism and his jealousy - could well be linked, the green eyed monster pops out easily when some men are drunk.
I'd just of quietly given tickets to DS dad, or told him about said events coming up, so get your own ticket and sit wherever.
You've known for a long time of your DP's jealousy, so why tell him anything? Don't mention bumping into him. Assume he's not going to be going to events - if they are in the evening he'll be too busy drinking to bother. You can't be open about stuff with people who behave like this, they can't handle it.
At some stage, the right thing to do is give him a choice - the alcohol or the relationship. When he choses the alcohol, you'll know where you stand, and he will have done you a favour.

PimpMyFridge · 18/07/2023 22:17

In your ex's position I would be be very worried about your current relationship and it's impact on your joint Ds! He sounds like a reasonable co parent and you can't even have a pleasant word on the doorstep.
Bad news.
For now you may think your ds isn't really aware of problems, but 1lt whiskey a night!! Bloody hell, there's no way that isn't affecting everyone, moods, energy, attitude, patience, money... All dragged down by that kind of drinking habit.

Bananalanacake · 19/07/2023 09:09

Do you have any DC with current partner, if not there is no need to live with him. Then you can keep your feminine voice at drop offs as the DP won't be there to question you, it's common or garden control, you are better off without it.