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Original poster

Can infidelity ever save a marriage?

105 replies

OnACloud · 18/07/2023 11:48

This could be controversial and I’m absolutely not trying to make light of infidelity, I’m currently struggling through the aftermath myself.

Ive been in a faithful, mostly happy marriage for 27 years. Up until now. I discovered a few months ago that my DH was having an affair. I was devastated. Now he is out the other side and working hard to repair our marriage he is also devastated and totally ashamed.

I’m not going to go into the whys and wherefores of our situation except to say that our relationship had become mundane. We were bimbling along without giving each other much attention. The causes of his infidelity are deep rooted, however, I am fully aware that he is fully responsible and he made the wrong choices.

Coming to terms with everything is tough and I’m struggling but there are times when I wonder what would have happened if we hadn’t have hit absolute crisis point (his affair). Would we have continued drifting apart? If he’d have told me he thought we weren’t in love anymore (which I know he should have done) would it have been enough of an awakening to save our marriage? I’m not sure.

Anyone else understand what I’m trying to say here?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 20/07/2023 07:53

Gingerboy22 · 19/07/2023 23:35

Had he declared any feelings to you before this?

Show quote history

No.

I found out because she told me.

GreyCarpet · 20/07/2023 08:17

I suppose the difference in my/our situation was that there was no affair.

He hadn't pursued an affair with me. No actual lines had been crossed.

I'm not interested in married men or attention from men in general so I hadn't done anything to encourage him.

But it wasn't really about me at all.

Obviously, people always have the opportunity to put a stop to things at any stage or not to pursue something in the first place. But I don't always think it's as simple as once a cheater always a cheater or it makes someone a terrible person.

I think the posts from women who cheated on this thread are very honest and realistic.

Having said that, if I discovered someone was cheating or had cheated on me or even had a desire to, I'd leave them. I wouldn't be interested in working through it.

Gingerboy22 · 20/07/2023 08:22

GreyCarpet · 20/07/2023 07:53

No.

I found out because she told me.

Show quote history

Gee whizz!

kraftyKitten · 20/07/2023 08:29

When something goes up sense goes out of the window . Sex with another woman can turn a man's head . In a lot of cases that's all it's about . Sex . That's why they are ashamed embarrassed and guilty about being caught .

Crikeyalmighty · 20/07/2023 11:01

@kraftyKitten or the thought that it may be possible. As well as sex I would add in flattery and flirtation- they go out the window in many marriages after a few years and often for good reasons- it's hard to feel flirty with someone who sees you as a domestic housekeeper , full time nanny , crossed with a hooker on tap-and that sadly is how many blokes treat their partners after a few years -

Original poster
OnACloud · 20/07/2023 12:15

Over40Overdating · 19/07/2023 08:39

You do sound as if you are making excuses through @OnACloud . Your comments on the OW show you are placing more blame on her as a serial adulterer and awful person than the person who betrayed you.

I stayed with a cheat. I made every excuse known to humanity despite my anger. I was full of ‘this has made us stronger’ and ‘I am setting the boundaries and behaviours now’.

But fundamentally someone who will choose themselves and choose to cheat rather than speak to their partner, who would rather the flattery and excitement of an affair than the hard work of maintaining a long term relationship will always err to that behaviour, in my experience.

My ex was only sorry and willing to work on things as long as I was not angry or resentful after the initial period of finding out. As long I went back to trusting him before I was ready. When he got fed up of making an effort he went straight back to looking for flattery and excitement elsewhere and blamed me for it.

Maybe your husband is different but for me, cheating breaks the relationship irrevocably.

I don’t think so, unless I’ve said she was awful and that I blame her further up thread, you have chosen to add that. I just stated a fact. She is a serial adulterer who came chasing him again after he clearly told her it was over. Fact.

However, yes, I do think she is awful. She has young children, works full time and still found time to spend hours a day messaging and phoning my husband and before this going to some other man’s house for regular sex, and a different man before that. Where are her poor children? That is my opinion of her.
It doesn’t mean I don’t fully blame my DH for his actions.

OP posts:
prairiedog1 · 20/07/2023 12:31

It's so sad that his idiotic behaviour has changed your view irrevocably (when you say you will view your marriage as tainted from now on).
That's why cheaters are so lacking in emotional intelligence (or intelligence in general TBH) that they can't project the potential consequences of their actions.
Then, when he's been found out, his (and your) health suffers.
He's been a total and utter idiot and I hope he knows it.
Kudos to you OP.

heartbroken40 · 20/07/2023 12:35

@OnACloud I think you're selling yourself short. Your husband is a cheat, full stop. I spiro have kicked him out. Also, he now knows that you will take him back so the incentive not to cheat is much lower. Sorry but I think you're making a mistake. There are men out there who wouldn't dream of cheating and who are happy to talk through all the issues, your husband is not one of them.

Whether she's a serial cheat or not, if your husband really respected you, he would have said no. Only my 2 cents here

kraftyKitten · 20/07/2023 12:39

Crikeyalmighty · 20/07/2023 11:01

@kraftyKitten or the thought that it may be possible. As well as sex I would add in flattery and flirtation- they go out the window in many marriages after a few years and often for good reasons- it's hard to feel flirty with someone who sees you as a domestic housekeeper , full time nanny , crossed with a hooker on tap-and that sadly is how many blokes treat their partners after a few years -

Plus it's the thrill of a new body and the thought of sleeping with two women it panders to their ego

Original poster
OnACloud · 20/07/2023 12:45

I get that. Just because I have a low opinion of the OW (and why shouldn’t I) it doesn’t mean I don’t blame my DH for his actions. He is entirely responsible, he knows he is fully to blame and so do I.
He doesn’t know I will take him back, I’m. It a walk over. He is doing everything he can to help fix this marriage, he knows it’s not a done deal.

I know he should have communicated before but he is communicating now. It may or may not work out but to me it’s a worth a try.

I’ll get shot down for this because I’ve already stated the OW is awful, maybe I should have said he’d behaviour is awful. But, my DH is not a terrible person, but his behaviour has been despicable. That is not who he truly is. He screwed up.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnACloud · 20/07/2023 12:46

Lots of typos in the last post 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
OnACloud · 20/07/2023 12:53

prairiedog1 · 20/07/2023 12:31

It's so sad that his idiotic behaviour has changed your view irrevocably (when you say you will view your marriage as tainted from now on).
That's why cheaters are so lacking in emotional intelligence (or intelligence in general TBH) that they can't project the potential consequences of their actions.
Then, when he's been found out, his (and your) health suffers.
He's been a total and utter idiot and I hope he knows it.
Kudos to you OP.

Yes it is sad,That’s how I feel at the moment, doesn’t mean I will always feel that way. Who knows. That’s what we’re working on.

Emotional Intelligence maybe, intelligence in general? That’s not the case here but that’s not really important.

He’s well aware he’s been a totally disrespectful, selfish idiot.

OP posts:
Time4achange2 · 20/07/2023 13:59

'I know he should have communicated before but he is communicating now. It may or may not work out but to me it’s a worth a try.I’ll get shot down for this because I’ve already stated the OW is awful, maybe I should have said he’d behaviour is awful. But, my DH is not a terrible person, but his behaviour has been despicable. That is not who he truly is. He screwed up'.

Totally agree, good men make mistakes. If a marriage is a long one and the couple have been generally happy through it, there is no reason to view it as unrepairable if both can give a 100% to making it work again. If bitterness and hurt is held onto by the innocent party or secrecy and minimising by the strayer then it is unlikely to flourish.

I absolutely hate the way those that stay with their husband/partner are judged on MN as deluded, weak, pathetic etc. It takes a great deal of courage and hard work to stay in and rebuild a marriage and maybe not forget but forgive. To err is only human.

Truly fed up of the narrative that OW are some niave, innocent party who don't have agency to make moral choices and the husband is 100% to blame - what a load of claptrap. Just reading on this forum- there are as many female preditors as males. As woman we expect equality so therefore shouldn't hide behind low self-esteem, poor previous relationships, generational trauma by deciding to shag a knowingly married man. Just like men out there, there are sadly woman who also don't give a shit who they step on to get what they want, all for a cheap thrill, bit of attention etc

Crikeyalmighty · 20/07/2023 14:16

@kraftyKitten totally agree. I actually know very few woman who have had affairs for the very same reasons. The ones I know who have had affairs nearly always felt something big was lacking in their relationship - (and I have been there in my first marriage- not proud of it all) whereas I know far more men who just wanted a bit on the side and felt their relationship was fine and dandy.

80s · 20/07/2023 14:23

I'm not sure I buy into the narrative of either party being a predator, as if the other party can't resist. The OW that broke up my marriage had done the same thing before - for which I judge her :) - and used my ex to further her career, then cheated on him, but from what I can tell, by the point he met her, he was looking out for opportunities for fun while working away, and she wasn't the first. If I met her now I'd love to ask her what happened, not that her life is my business, but I'd be curious about whether she realised quite what a dick my ex was, or whether she was planning to dump him all along :D

DH is not a terrible person, but his behaviour has been despicable
With my current partner I could imagine giving him a second chance like this, if he did something stupid, as I would also see it as a mistake: he is not usually selfish. Knowing him, he'd be truly sorry, and would discuss it with me properly. But knowing me, I'd be really pissed off, and ready to break up (it being so easy). He would not be open to being the "baddy" for years. And if there was any further sign of him being interested in other women, I'd be gone - my avoidant side is too strong.

Spacecowboys · 20/07/2023 14:39

Relationships are complex and given the right set of circumstances, I believe that anyone is capable of infidelity. Of course, a lot of posters will disagree with me. Having emotionally intelligent people around you is important - I would exercise caution when offered ‘advice’ or when people tell you what they would or wouldn’t do. It is completely irrelevant to your circumstances and your relationship. There are only two people who know wether your relationship stands a chance of surviving infidelity and that is you and your husband. So I don’t actually think anyone can answer this question for you. Relationships are personal and unique.

booksandbrews · 20/07/2023 14:44

Spacecowboys · 20/07/2023 14:39

Relationships are complex and given the right set of circumstances, I believe that anyone is capable of infidelity. Of course, a lot of posters will disagree with me. Having emotionally intelligent people around you is important - I would exercise caution when offered ‘advice’ or when people tell you what they would or wouldn’t do. It is completely irrelevant to your circumstances and your relationship. There are only two people who know wether your relationship stands a chance of surviving infidelity and that is you and your husband. So I don’t actually think anyone can answer this question for you. Relationships are personal and unique.

Absolutely this. I would ignore anyone who tells you what they would ‘hypothetically’ do. It’s totally irrelevant. And yes, every relationship is unique and only you - and your husband - can decide if you want to work on it.

Crikeyalmighty · 20/07/2023 14:57

@Spacecowboys I agree on this. My Hs behaviour was totally out of character at a time of immense stress for both of us and whilst I have neither forgotten or even forgiven , those factors are in the mix. The fact it was a very long time (11 years) before I found out was in the mix too. It did sadly make me more wary generally and very cynical when people say it would never happen in their relationships.

Original poster
OnACloud · 20/07/2023 15:59

Thanks for the responses and different perspectives. I’m struggling to reply individually to posts (because of time, I’m actually managing to achieve stuff today!) but I am grateful for them.

A couple of people have mentioned emotional intelligence. This has always been a challenge for DH, as I’ve said before, he is neurodivergent and has an attachment disorder. EI is a massive effort for him and in times of stress and crisis it can overwhelm his rational, intelligent side.

Again, the above is explanation not excuse. People are quick to blame comments like this on looking for excuses and justification but actually it’s working to find the root cause of what went wrong and how he got us into this mess. Otherwise what’s the point in trying to reconcile at all?

OP posts:
Original poster
OnACloud · 20/07/2023 16:03

Thanks @Spacecowboys
Part of the reason for posting on here is that it’s cathartic to write it down and feel heard.

OP posts:
Didimum · 20/07/2023 16:52

It's subjective of course, but no, I don't believe infidelity can save a marriage. I do believe some marriages can survive infidelity, and become truly happy again – though I think that's exceptionally rare. I think the belief that infidelity as a saviour is a form of rationalising and protective thought from the pain.

Over40Overdating · 20/07/2023 20:02

@OnACloud I have been exactly where you are so believe me I know where your head is but I promise there will come a day when you won’t see it as ‘husband made a terrible mistake but is a good man but OW is an awful person who harangued him and should be at home looking after her children, not bed hopping, awful creature’.

Even if he had never met this ‘awful’ woman, if he had been looking to cheat it would have been someone else - even someone you considered ‘good’.

Rail against OW all you want and use what you perceive as her moral failings to square off what your husband did, but he cheated on you, not her.

I don’t say it to be cruel, I say it from bitter experience. No one owes you fidelity or loyalty apart from the one you are in a relationship with.

I’m sure there are people who do it once and never again, and your husband may be one of them but you are the one who has to live with the doubt and uncertainty for the rest of your relationship.

Gingerboy22 · 21/07/2023 19:21

Time4achange2 · 20/07/2023 13:59

'I know he should have communicated before but he is communicating now. It may or may not work out but to me it’s a worth a try.I’ll get shot down for this because I’ve already stated the OW is awful, maybe I should have said he’d behaviour is awful. But, my DH is not a terrible person, but his behaviour has been despicable. That is not who he truly is. He screwed up'.

Totally agree, good men make mistakes. If a marriage is a long one and the couple have been generally happy through it, there is no reason to view it as unrepairable if both can give a 100% to making it work again. If bitterness and hurt is held onto by the innocent party or secrecy and minimising by the strayer then it is unlikely to flourish.

I absolutely hate the way those that stay with their husband/partner are judged on MN as deluded, weak, pathetic etc. It takes a great deal of courage and hard work to stay in and rebuild a marriage and maybe not forget but forgive. To err is only human.

Truly fed up of the narrative that OW are some niave, innocent party who don't have agency to make moral choices and the husband is 100% to blame - what a load of claptrap. Just reading on this forum- there are as many female preditors as males. As woman we expect equality so therefore shouldn't hide behind low self-esteem, poor previous relationships, generational trauma by deciding to shag a knowingly married man. Just like men out there, there are sadly woman who also don't give a shit who they step on to get what they want, all for a cheap thrill, bit of attention etc

So good men can make mistakes but the not women who may be an OW? They are predators? Poor little men...

TurnerP · 21/07/2023 19:40

OnACloud · 18/07/2023 17:55

Thanks Hermetic. The OW turned out to be a serial adulterer who came after him again six weeks later even though he had blocked as many avenues he could. I expect she’ll move on to someone else now.

She hardly seems to be a serial adulterer if they didn't go all the way, she probably wanted something serious but was ghosted when your DH realised she wanted more than a fling. It sounds like your DH has spun you a yarn about being on the autism scale, as the " helpless and horny" excuse won't cut it. hes probably deleted a lot of communication that you've clearly snooped on, its easy to make things look one sided. Stop demonising the OW because you won't know the truth only what your scared DH wants you to think

NooNaNa · 21/07/2023 19:57

Sunnydale1999 · 18/07/2023 15:02

I think if you are at the stage where you notice someone else and consider crossing the line, that should be the wake-up call.

The moment the line is crossed into affair territory, the marriage is dead.
You can lie to yourself that "our marriage is stronger" blah blah blah. But in reality when push comes to shove, he chose himself first. The injured party then spends the rest of their life waiting for another knife in the back. The marriage may carry on but that's because getting divorced is a fucking financial nightmare as well.

Look at how many lottery winners get divorced, most people put up with a lot but when money is no longer an issue, those people get out of these marriages pdq. I honestly believe that the divorce rate would be closer to 90% if being financially disadvantaged was taken out the equation.

This is spot on.

However cut yourself some slack if you feel you can't divorce for whatever reason.