DH's lack of empathy/sympathy

[jugglingeverything77]

I have a horrible virus- turns out its Covid but didn't know that this morning (not that it matters either way these days). I was on day 3 of feeling absolute shite. Woke up in a pool of sweat, throat so sore I could barely swallow, with tears running down my face I said to DH I feel so shit, I don't want to be ill. He walks straight back into the ensuite to finish shaving. WTF? I know he struggles to show empathy but this is a whole new level. Maybe I'm just sensitive as I'm feeling so sorry for myself but I was gobsmacked. I then told him, crying that I just wanted some sympathy and he kind of said what do you want me to do?? Still didn't know what to say or how to make it better. How can some men be SO clueless when it comes to showing sympathy or empathy. He's always been like this but now 15 years into our marriage I'm wishing I'd flagged it up as one of the things that was crucial in future husband material!!!

How are my 3 boys going to learn empathy and sympathy if he can't show it? As it happens the eldest is just like him, the younger 2 at least have asked me how I am....

Hello OP@jugglingeverything77 , how are you feeling today? I hope your throat is better . Have you taken some paracetamol for the pain? And alternated with aspirin for the fever? COVID is back? Ugh.

I am so sorry your DH and DS1 have not been able to show you any understanding for how you are feeling. So many men were brought up to believe that showing empathy or feelings is a sign of weakness. My DH is exactly like yours and I have been flabbergasted over the years each time he has shown his incapacity for feelings. And mine is an MD! Pathetic! How can they be so unfeeling??

I believe it has alot to do with their education and the environment they grew up in. They just seem not to know how!! Caring comes so naturally to so many women. It just seems there are natural and learned differences. Though I may be shot down on MN for this opinion. Of course there are some men who have learned differently and are able to access their feelings, like your younger son. My sons are very different too, luckily. Perhaps it is also a sign of insecurity.

Try very hard not to take it personally . I believe the best thing to do is to learn to take care of your own needs. You can try asking DH directly for what you need or want. He cannot be expected to read your mind. And he will feel better about knowing what he can actually do for you. Otherwise maybe he doesn't care enough and that may be a harsh reality you have to learn to accept. Best of health to you!

*Insecurity in the DHs not the younger generation!

I’m so sorry to hear this OP. It’s hard feeling so shit and just wanting some tlc and empathy. I’m guessing it’s not how he was treated growing up when he was unwell. My partner was left in his room until he got better with only the basics provided so no extra drinks through the day etc. And that’s what he does with me and the kids if we’re ill. if I ask for something specific he’ll do it otherwise he does nothing. My mum was forever checking in and forcing us to flush it out!

I too have Covid right now and my covid-free partner buggered off to work without checking in on me leaving me quite seriously unwell (had just got out of hospital with it) with two covid positive but bouncing off the walls kids and our dogs. In the end I explained in a text in no uncertain terms what I thought of him. The delirium helped me with the courage or I’d never have even considered doing that.

He’s at home now helping out today while I wait for the antivirals to kick in. I’m still having to get up and get my own drinks though.

Sorry this doesn't help but my DH would be the same. He's right in a way - what can he do? I would expect my DH to eventually bring me some water and paracetamol and grudgingly do school run if I couldn't. But he wouldn't come and hug me or anything, not least because he wouldn't want to catch anything.

Sorry to hear you’ve got the dreaded covid. I hope you make a quick recovery!
and Yanbu some men are so cold it’s frustrating. My husband is no better. When we had covid..guess who had to look after him…me!
he even shouted at me once saying the reason he wasn’t getting better was because I wasn’t looking after him properly!
Well hello mr twat I’m ill as well! Ugh.

just remember in future do not look after him and show him as little empathy as possible. My mother taught me ‘do unto others’ but I’ve stopped abiding by my mothers rule in regards to my husband because he’s not worth the effort anymore.

I don't agree you repeat how you were brought up. My DH's mother fussed over him constantly so I think he's almost doing the opposite.

What do you mean Covid is back? You surely can't believe it ever went away? I can't get my head around how people seem to be surprised that it's still a thing. Nothing whatsoever has changed since a year ago, the government just decided to stop telling people to test and think about it.

Anyway, OP, my ex was like that, and it's why he's an ex. It was draining to try to lean on him emotionally and be asked what I wanted him to do. It's actually worse than not having anyone, because at least when you know you're on your own, you're not disappointed.

@mambojambodothetango "I would expect my DH to eventually bring me some water and paracetamol and grudgingly do school run if I couldn't." God the bar is really low isn't it? In response to your well what can he do? Exactly what you have just said but with immediate action, ask you do you want any pain meds? Offer to check the freezer for ice cream, bring you some cold water tell you don't worry he has the school run covered. Christ it isn't rocket science. Dh would also set an alarm for when I am due another round of pain meds.

Firstly @jugglingeverything77 I hope you get better soon. Secondly, lay it out for him what your expectations are when you are ill. It really isn't about the sympathy part it is more that he just left you to it, didn't offer to get you anything for the pain or anything to take the pain meds with. Would he be the same way if the children are ill or does that always fall to you? He just carries on as normal and you are left juggling everything.

I have a Dh who would get out of bed at 3am and go to a 24 hour supermarket for anything either me or his 2 sons needed even if that was ice cream for a sore throat not just pain meds. Luckily my sons are the same caring men that their Dad is.

thanks whataretalkingabout yeah I agree, I think it's just the way they were brought up, or perhaps his mum not drilling into him enough to think of others??
I'm feeling much better today thank goodness!

alpenguin you poor thing! Hope you're better very soon! I think sometimes they just don't realise they're being insensitive?? not that that's an excuse. I always tell DH if he's not being sympathetic and he will say sorry but usually followed by a patronising hug or exaggerated pat on the back mocking me (he does it in jest) but it just shows me he still doesn't really take what I'm saying seriously!

Yeah I wouldn't expect a hug or anything (due to the germ thing) but a 'sorry you're feeling unwell honey' wouldn't go amiss. He just doesn't know how to vocalise a sensitive response. I just find it incredibly old fashioned that some men still can't show their softer side. There's no excuse these days for it!

Yeah exactly, if my hubby gets it he'll be expecting me to do things for him. I don't think I even got a cup of tea whilst I was ill. He let me sleep in till 8 both mornings (like that's a big deal) and the kids made their own lunches so something good came out of it, but he seriously was going to get me to do the school run one morning and I said no I can't!

well you're really lucky then! No way my DH would go to a 24 hour pharmacy in the middle of the night for me - unless I was literally dying (nor the kids to be fair) and definitely not for icecream 😂. I envy those who's hubbies would do these things for them at the drop of a hat. My man would huff, complain, say 'seriously?' I guess some of us just didn't choose the right knight in shining armour. It looked shining at the time, but then after a few years we realised it wasn't that sparkly after all.....

but honestly I'm not sure why you replied unless it was just to make those of us with lesser men feel bad....

Glad you're doing better @jugglingeverything77!

Everyone else,
I accuse no woman for having a son who is insensitive. I would place the blame squarely on the young man's shoulders and the older men's example in the family/community for not having willingly evolved enough to demonstrate the sensitive, caring nature all humans are capable of, especially to their own DWs and families.

I was being somewhat facetious, @ilyana . COVID does seem to come and go like the flu.
The huge local COVID vaccination center has been dismounted in my city...for the moment. Hope COVID will eventually disappear, which is entirely possible.

When my baby was few days old and seemed to be struggling with his bottles dh got buses to the other side of town, an hour's journey each way, at 6am to get him those ready made with sterilised teats ones as I was still in too much pain to go out. Haven't really been majorly ill myself since been together but I know for a fact he wouldn't ever just leave me alone to cope. Can't understand anyone doing this to the person they supposedly love😕

@jugglingeverything77 no it wasn't meant to make you feel bad but make you realise that you need a conversation to lay out your expectations and also talk to your oldest son when you are better about thinking about others. Ask him what he would want when he was ill, would he want everyone to ignore him, not even get him a drink?

The expectations for being ill is at least to make sure you have meds and a drink to be able to take them. Do you think your "D"h sees you as an appliance? Just inconvenient if you break down and don't function as you are meant to in his eyes? It happens a lot, people lose sight of women being actual people.

I am sure if in work he was asked to behave a particular way he would no doubt do it. But there is no way I would be looking after him when he is ill, and I hope he gets covid from you now and you can just leave him to it. Treat him the same way he treats you and it might make him rethink his behaviour toward you.

My children have been taught to be thoughtful, one is more naturally thoughtful than the other but Dh and I have worked hard over the years talking to them, getting them to see what caring looks like. It is truly sad that your Dh wouldn't get you pain meds in the middle of the night, so lay that out for yourself, he is fine seeing you in pain, hurt, which he can help fix and he wouldn't be arsed to get out of bed for that. I wonder if one of his mates rang at 3am from A&E if he would go to them or does he treat everyone the same. He is making that conscious decision to be a lesser man. As I have said, you need a conversation about his behaviour toward you.

It doesn't really come and go like the flu, no. Most adults will only catch flu about twice a decade. It's not uncommon for people to get Covid once or twice a year. Very unlikely it will ever disappear, given how fast it mutates and that all the world's governments have given up on trying to eradicate it. We all hoped vaccines would mostly prevent infection, but they didn't. It's now like the common cold in terms of how often you're exposed to it, except potentially much more dangerous.

Yay.

My dh is like this when I'm ill or have really hurt myself. 9 months of hyperemisis too. I don't know what to suggest!

With all due respect @ilyana , if you want to argue (or prove to everyone how much you are right ) about COVID, maybe you should start your own thread ? 😷

I'm the same here I've been sick for one week with pains in my stomach and feeling totally exhausted like sleep standing up exhausted we have two sons and I've been the one cooking cleaning trying to entertain the kids and today I actually just cried DH looks and says what's wrong!!!!

DH has always been pretty good at providing tea and sympathy (I don’t need much, a hot water bottle a cup of tea and a nap usually is all I want). More so before DC, now we don’t have much time for taking care of each other, we just try to give the other some peace and quiet to recover, but it doesn’t take much to say “ah I’m sorry you are feeling shit, shall I fetch the paracetamol”.

I think many men think if they don’t acknowledge it you’ll just crack on as normal and carry on doing what you do so they don’t have to pick up the slack or actually have to do anything for anyone else.

I think if he treats himself the same way it may be different, if he’s really ill doesn’t complain or expect anyone to do anything for him he may just view illness as something you grit your teeth and get through with the minimum of fuss.

My DH is the same. Would it be so hard to make some sympathetic sounds and ask if you need anything? I didn't grow up with expectations to be caring or particularly feminine and I'm still much better than he is when to comes to these things. It does make me think it comes down to testosterone to an extent.

It's very upsetting when you feel ill or are upset and you try to lean on your partner for some empathy and all you get back is "what do you want me to say?" I have to ask my DH for a hug when I'm upset, it doesn't seem to occur to him. If course I then don't want the arbitrary hug anymore and I'm left feel unsatisfied and irritated on top of however I was feeling beforehand.

Mine also has a habit of simply not replying or reacting to what I say. We'll be sitting on the couch and I'll say "I'm in excruciating pain,my back is flaring up" and he doesn't react at all. What the hell is that about? At least grunt or something!

*obligatory hug!

My dh was worse than useless when I had covid and I too was very unwell with it. Couldn't get out of bed on my own for three days or so. He did the bare minimum. In his case definitely not how he was treated when poorly as a child either!

He just doesn't like illness and he doesn't like me to be sick especially as it frightens him in a way. Nevertheless I made it clear it was a shitty way to behave and it had made me feel worse. Hopefully he will
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