DH's lack of empathy/sympathy

[jugglingeverything77]

I have a horrible virus- turns out its Covid but didn't know that this morning (not that it matters either way these days). I was on day 3 of feeling absolute shite. Woke up in a pool of sweat, throat so sore I could barely swallow, with tears running down my face I said to DH I feel so shit, I don't want to be ill. He walks straight back into the ensuite to finish shaving. WTF? I know he struggles to show empathy but this is a whole new level. Maybe I'm just sensitive as I'm feeling so sorry for myself but I was gobsmacked. I then told him, crying that I just wanted some sympathy and he kind of said what do you want me to do?? Still didn't know what to say or how to make it better. How can some men be SO clueless when it comes to showing sympathy or empathy. He's always been like this but now 15 years into our marriage I'm wishing I'd flagged it up as one of the things that was crucial in future husband material!!!

How are my 3 boys going to learn empathy and sympathy if he can't show it? As it happens the eldest is just like him, the younger 2 at least have asked me how I am....

To set the record straight DH would get me something and has asked 'can I get you anything' and will get it for me (probably not medicine at 2am from the 24 hour pharmacy but then we always have what we need so that has never happened!) so he's not that bad. It's more about the lack of empathy, the 'showing' you care with words and even just looks of sympathy!

I guess I am just expecting him to act like I do and he doesn't. At least that doesn't come naturally to him.

I'm not arguing at all. Just stating a fact. Covid is never going away, and it's a bit alarming how many people don't seem to understand that.

This is relevant to the OP, since she's very likely to catch it again and again and again - we all will. Perhaps she should get rid now if she needs sympathy and empathy because she's not getting it from this guy.

A lot of men are really bad at this. They seem to expect it, though! Would he like it if he was sick and you asked him what he wanted you to do about it and made him get his own drinks?

Active sympathising is a form of emotional labour that some people are very stingy with. I really want to comend him for asking you if you wanted anything, but if he's the emotionally cold, stingy type, he might have asked you that so that it shuts you up and he doesn't have to provide any actual sympathy or affection. It's simply a nuisance, an inconvenience.

Also, some men think of their wives as a household appliance. If your washing machine broke down, would you be stoking it and sympathising with it? No, because it's not a human or another living organism, but you might go out and get something that would make it work again.

DH and I will look after each other when ill. But equally we don’t cry when we are feeling under the weather. If DH was crying because of covid I would probably silently move to another room too.

wow I didn't know crying was still thought of as shameful like in the 'old days' people cry for many reasons, sometimes underlying things, just sheer exhaustion, not 'just' because they're ill.

I think there is an element of it being an inconvenience when I'm ill, but I don't think he's so heartless that he doesn't care, he just finds it hard to show it.

My husband is the same....I told him this week I really was lacking an empathy chip. However if he is ill he just gets on with life however bad he feels (and he has been very ill in the past) so expects the same from me. Frustrating.