Tips for cutting off in-laws?

[Bpat]

Hi, my Husband and I have been having a lot of issues with his family lately (mostly his Sister). Things have now come to a head and long story short I have decided I no longer want a relationship with them. My Husband backs me 100% and I am happy for him to continue his relationship with them.

I am going to speak to his Sister face to face and explain this to her and my Husband is happy for me to do so. Does anyone have any suggestions/tips on how I go about this, wording etc?

Thanks

Similar here - inlaws want nothing to do with me and tbh I can't be bothered with them now.

I didn't say anything face to face. Nor they to me. We haven't made a big deal out of it, or lay a mark in the sand (so to speak).

I have just clearly communicated to DH what this means in terms of practicalities and that's been it. I was super nervous for first 2 months after that conversation but now it feels like a massive relief.

I'm glad we didn't have a conversation between me and the inlaws as it would have just kept repeating in my head and probably built up other issues.

DH still sees in laws, often when I'm at work. He doesn't talk to me about them and I don't ask.

I suggest not having any such convo with your sis in law. Is there really a need to do it? All she will do is twist your words and make you sound like the bad guy.

I agree with @KarrieKoKo - it's why I didn't pursue a meeting to finalise it. Nothing needs to be said.

I didn’t say anything. My in-laws made it very clear to me that I wasn’t part of the family and were often rude and spiteful to me, they were also very divisive. It was easier because they weren’t that interested in DH and I in the first place.
We just stopped jumping to their tune. They only remembered we existed when it suited them. So when they remembered we existed and sent us a demand for time we became slower to reply, stopped answering their calls and fazed them out. They didn’t include us in anything so we stopped including them in things too. They kicked off a bit and invented illnesses to try and make us feel guilty, but when DH replied, he replied in a matter of fact way and took all emotion out of it. I think removal of emotion with your communication is important. If you have a face-to-face confrontation about it it’s likely it will get heated, or as a pp said, your words used against you and everyone told nasty tales about you. Just faze them out the way you would anybody. Stop being available and stop including them in your life.

Honestly, don't create more drama than necessary. Just stop talking with her and leave it at that. The only reason to talk to someone about your decision to go NC is if it's (a) part of boundary you are setting as a last ditch effort to repair the relationship, or (b) they are harassing you and you need to inform them it needs to stop.

But what I would do first is think through the repercussions of this decision for your dh and any dc, if you have them. Dh and I are NC with my entire family and we are also NC with one of dh's family members. Obviously, if it's your entire family, it just means you don't see them anymore and what's done is done, so a bit simpler. If it's just you who doesn't want to see SIL anymore, how will you handle Christmases and special birthdays for your PILs? What about your dc? What sort of relationship do you agree for them to have? What about for funerals or weddings? Will you attend and just not speak to her? Will you not attend? Will you not allow dc to attend? Think through long term what your boundaries will be and how you'll handle them before you take your next steps.

In our case, where we are NC with one family member, but not dh's entire family, this is due to safety reasons related to our children (this person isn't safe to be around our or anyone's children). We do not interact with him at all. Our dc aren't allowed to visit anywhere he is present including the house he lives in, even if he's not actually there. This means no family Christmases, unless we host. No birthdays. No weddings or funerals (dh would attend family funerals alone, and I would stay with dc). Family have been supportive and sometimes don't invite him so that we can attend, but it's not every single time, so we do miss out. It's a small price to pay for knowing my dc are safe and well though.

And then once you set your boundaries and know how you two will handle these various situations, then just don't speak to her. Don't attend events where she is present, if that's what you've decided. If she contacts you loads and is harassing you, send a short message to request that she does not contact you again. You don't need a big melodramatic song and dance about it. Just cut her out of your life if you don't want her there.

Why do you want to have a convo at all?
Cutting someone off means you cut them off. You don't need to be 'decent' about it and let them know.
You're only inviting a discussion/argument if you tell her face to face. If she's that bad she doesn't deserve your time.
I'd just cut and block. If your DH does back you 100% then his sister can have the conversation with him about why you've blocked her. And that's his cue to say 'well she doesn't want anything to do with you, I 100% back her. We can carry on as we are but won't hear a single word about my wife from here on out'

Simple

Just do it. Don't have a conversation about it unless you want her to beg you to change your mind.

I agree. No need to speak to her at all

Another one agreeing you don't need to speak to her. Time for that has passed. Telling her won't make things better.

God no, don't sit her down to tell her you're cutting her off, that will just be playing into her hands if she's really so awful. Don't add to the drama. Just retreat and get on with your life.

No big dramatic Announcement needed.
Just ignore them or if they push for contact refer them to your husband

I've fazed out my in-laws, I didn't have a chat with them beforehand though, that would just be inviting more drama for no reason. Stop interacting and they'll soon get the message 🤷‍♀️

I cut my parents off. I just told them on the phone. I didn’t want to see them face to face - harder to extricate myself from the conversation. I got threatening voicemails for a while but them just blocked them so not sure if they tried to continue with that theme. And I didn’t play into the drama. When they were leaving messages with false statements or I heard they told people false statements it would have been very easy to try to correct them, but I stayed quiet. Let them be the loud ranting ones. They aren’t worth my energy. Anyone who knows me and is worth anytime me knows the truth. The zen is part of the healing and makes me feel just a little bit proud of myself. Oh and ignore anyone who says you should put up with rubbish because they’re family. That’s rubbish. My mental health is so much better since I cut them out of my life. Good luck

This.

I honestly don't think that you need to have the conversation. That shows that she still has an effect on you.
Screw that. Just hold your head up high and become indifferent.

But it is good to talk to DH about logistics, such as family events. I was very clear, DH could do whatever he wants (it's his family) but SIL is NEVER to be around our children. It's been 13 years and that has been adhered to. However, I never ever let PIL have the DC unattended, as I just don't trust them. MIL talks to my DC about their aunt and cousins, despite me asking her not to. But, contact is minimal due to distance, which is helpful!

We had a dc. Mil dumped us.. Fil is spineless and dumped us also..

I'm no contact with my in-laws.

I'd put up with their awfulness for about 18 years and then decided that enough was enough.

My husband and I were due to go to their house for dinner. I then decided I wasn't prepared to go. My husband got annoyed and told me to get in the car. I simply refused. In the end he went on his own.

I don't know exactly what conversations took place between my husband and my in laws, although they did have a falling out for a while. I haven't now seen them for nearly ten years.

My husband knows what they are like and understands why I have done it. In fact I think it's actually made things easier for him. However, he still sees them. That's his choice!

Agree. Don't give her ammunition.

Just grey rock.

If your DH has your back it should be pretty easy. I agree with a PP once DH saw me standing by the boundaries I had made, he began to be more assertive with them too.

Why would you want to have a conversation with her? My sister in law hates me for reasons only known to herself. I am not a horrible person and always wanted a relationship with her but would have been mortified if she sat me down and told me why she did not like me. She just ignores me as does my brother which is hurtful but having a conversation to try and attack a person is very wrong.

Thanks everyone.

The reason I wanted to speak to her in person is because she has been contacting my Husband basically trying to put every bit of blame on me. It has been about 6 months since I have spoken to her, she has been texting me and I have ignored it (my Husband knows this and is behind me) she is saying to him “our family don’t fall out with people, it’s her causing all these issues”. Completely untrue and my Husband agrees. His family are extremely toxic and manipulative people. He met up with her and his other sister a few days ago at their request (I wasnt allowed to be there) and they basically just tore a strip off him and put every bit of blame on me and him. Don’t get me wrong he stood up to them, but this is what they do. I wanted to just try and put an end to it once and for all and just say to her, look you and I no longer have a relationship, please stop talking about me to my Husband and trying to cause trouble. I definitely have no intention of ‘attacking’ her as a PP said.

I am having second thoughts now after all your comments, probably just going to cause more hassle I think. I just want to be left alone that’s all.

I wouldnt bother, she will not listen to a word you have to say, it will be a total waste of energy. Quietly step back with dignity and give them nothing. They will hate it 😊

Talking to her isn't going to change anything. If you feel you need a line in the sand, send her a message saying you won't be engaging with her any more and please not to contact you. I'd also tell your Dh that he needs a grey rock style response for if your name comes up.

Then leave it at that.

The reality is that you want to talk to her becuase you want her to acknowledge on some level that you are in the right. But she won't. Becuase if she was able to acknowledge that, you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

I completely agree with this. You’ll be banging your head against a wall. It won’t bring closure, just extends the pain. Walk away. Don’t look back.

I wouldnt waste your breath. I am no contact with my MIL, it’s never been an ‘official’ thing. She’s not welcome in my house, I don’t go and see her. She sees my husband on birthdays and around Christmas at her house. If the situation arises where we have to be in the same place then I will have little as possible to do with her.

I wanted to just try and put an end to it once and for all and just say to her, look you and I no longer have a relationship, please stop talking about me to my Husband and trying to cause trouble

Don't be ridiculous. That won't "put an end to it", it will just make it all worse.