Tips for cutting off in-laws?

[Bpat]

Hi, my Husband and I have been having a lot of issues with his family lately (mostly his Sister). Things have now come to a head and long story short I have decided I no longer want a relationship with them. My Husband backs me 100% and I am happy for him to continue his relationship with them.

I am going to speak to his Sister face to face and explain this to her and my Husband is happy for me to do so. Does anyone have any suggestions/tips on how I go about this, wording etc?

Thanks

@Bpat If they didn’t listen to your DH when he was summoned, then they aren’t going to listen to you.
Toxic people blame-shift, and that sounds like what they are intending to do.
You have to learn not to care what they think. They clearly don’t care what you think.
Carry on as you are ignoring contact, let them rant and rave away from you. Don’t put yourself through anymore abuse. They will never see your point of view.

I also went NC with the in-laws, after realising how much they ran me down to my DC and in particular how they had bitched about me to our daughter for years. I didn't make any announcement, other than telling my husband I'd had enough. So I didn't see them at all, except for 2 funerals.
Because they were very controlling and my husband is a gentle soul, they gave him a lot of hassle, and a times he begged me to go to events (parties, Christmas day etc)so they would stop hassling him but I never did. I truly felt liberated. Seeing them use to have such a negative impact on my mental health, and they used to get off on running me down.
His parents are now both dead but his narcissistic brother is still alive. I don't see him either. I am told he found the NC the hardest to deal with, though I think this is because I was the scapegoat and extracting myself from encounters caused fury and tantrums.

I wouldn't feed their egos with any explanation. And block your phone!

My Husband is exactly the same, very laid back, hates any sort of confrontation and genuinely a gentle soul. His family play on this, always have done, they treat him like utter crap! I feel
for him, I really do but I just can’t take it anymore. Being around them gives me such anxiety and negativity

Complete and final silence with all methods of contact blocked is the only way to go.

Calmly, kindly, but VERY firmly telling your husband you never want to hear about them again is very effective.

He is an adult and he needs to decide and manage for himself his relationship with HIS family WITHOUT your involvement.

Remaining calm and resolute is the way to go.

Give them zero oxygen to feed off.

They have simply ceased to exist for you.

I completely agree with:

• Just stopping contact - no announcement, nothing. Just radio silence.
• Never mention them at all
• Ask your husband not to mention them at all either unless strictly necessary - certainly not to relay their thoughts/what they said

It doesn't matter what these people think or do - completely drop the rope.

Just avoid her. No need for a show down that's far too dramatic and unnecessary

OP - I did feel guilty about the pressure they put on my husband as he is very much a peacemaker. But I also think that's because he was the youngest and was never allowed a voice, and his brother is big and verbally and physically aggressive. A cause of tension between me and them was me supporting him to have a voice and challenge issues he didn't like with them but had always put up with. They found that hard to take and blamed me for "changing him".

Like you, I couldn't take it any more either, and it was liberating to step away.

They did try initially to insist I went to events, I received letters, which were binned without opening. At the 2 funerals there were goady and snide comments voiced in front of lots of people but I kept tight lipped and didn't rise to the bait.

I'd do it again, but more quickly - I wouldn't have waited so long for my liberation - it took me over 20 years

The trouble with your DH being like that is that he will never tell them to shut the fuck up and stop slagging you off. which is what he should have done ages ago. You're his wife ffs, he should be putting you first.

Because he won't stick up for you, he is enabling them to continue what they are doing.

He's basically being totally spineless, isn't he?

Tbf I hate this "your dh should stand up for you" while I agree with the sentiment why should he? You're a grown adult that can stand up for herself.

I would hate to put my Dh I between his wife and his family

Another vote for just cutting them off with no confrontation.

The problem with conversations like that is that they're never going to be one way. Your SIL is going to start in with the counter-accusations and blaming and lies, and you'll get dragged into defending yourself and it will all get messy and unsatisfactory.

Plus if you ever have to spend time in the same room in the future (funerals etc) then it's easier if you haven't done a dramatic renunciation scene beforehand.

Just ignore and avoid and retain dignity.

Well my DS and Di.L seem.to have found it pretty easy . They just said they don't want anything to do with us anymore and we've not seen them for 6 months since their wedding. We paid for their minimoon thing and were never even sent a photo Never mind any photos of the actual wedding which we did contribute towards only 2k admittedly when it must have cost alot more but at least we did make a contribution. So clean break seems to be the way!

Remember no response is a response.

They will be waiting for a reaction after summoning your DH. And despite good intentions, you will play right into their hands, if you go ahead with the original plan.

It will not bring you closure.

Don't give them what they are looking for.

Just step back.

No good will come of a conversation