DH could be functioning alcoholic? But maybe I am too...?

[ThisIsntMyUsualUsername]

We've been together 18 years, married 15 and have 3 kids.
DH's alcohol consumption has always been an issue. In the early days we were young, few responsibilities and it didn't really impact us beyond arguing when drunk. He did stupid risky things but survived to tell the tale. Looking back I assume I thought he'd ease off when we settled down. His binge drinking seemed like everyone else the same age.
We both drink a lot now. A few years ago I managed to quit for just over a year then covid hit and I just gradually restarted. I don't want to drink any more. Socially yes, I don't want to totally abstain, but I don't want to drink at home. Husband has said this week we won't drink Mon-Thursday. It's a start. He says this regularly and fails.
It's just once he starts drinking he doesn't stop. He has a bottle of wine. Gets a taste for it and walks to the shop for another. Or he has a few beers on a Saturday afternoon and asks me to buy more for the evening on my way home from work.
Because I often drink with him, but not the same amount, I feel hypocritical asking him to cut down. But I really struggle to not have a drink when he is, and when he is tipsy and I'm sober I don't like him so don't enjoy his company.
I'm going away for a few days soon with a friend and it always worries me leaving the kids alone with him. I've said to him if something happens and he's over the limit how would he get them to hospital? He doesn't make them go to bed because he's drinking and can't be arsed, and I was out Friday night and my kids were texting me at 11.45pm...they are ages 10-12!
I'm not sure what I'm asking. Maybe it's more an AIBU to ask him to quit drinking if I can't (don't want to) myself?
Is binge drinking 5 nights a week a form of alcoholism? Am I being over the top?

I'm not really equipped to tell you if it is alcoholism, but I think that you know that it is a very unhealthy relationship with it if once you start you can't stop and need to head out in search of more (him), you find it hard to choose to be sober or you couldn't be relied on to be sober when it matters. It's definitely on its way there, even if more functional than some. Does it affect your husband the morning after in terms of his parenting too?

Yes, binge drinking 5 nights a week is alcoholic behaviour.
For the sake of your children you need to address this now.
Cancel the trip with your friend and prioritise dealing with this. If you drink because you don't like him when he's drunk, think about what your children are being subjected to with both of you drunk every night.

He isn't a patient parent. The two boys fight a lot and DH just cannot handle it. Our daughter is so easy in comparison that she is seen by the others to be favourite. The boys frequently ask me to divorce dad. I've tried to ask them if they really mean it, because I won't let them be harmed by his moods. At the moment I am totally torn as to whether being with him or without him is better for the children. I can't ask them outright...they're kids...it's too huge a burden. I think I posted this because I suspect i want to use his drinking as the reason...so I need to quit myself. Even when I tell him I'm not drinking he buys me a bottle of wine or prosecco, or will just bring me a glass. I need to be stronger myself and abstain.

You don't need to make a point of waiting just so you can leave. If you don't want to be married to him, you can end it. It's that simple.

your poor children.

The boys frequently ask me to divorce dad. I've tried to ask them if they really mean it
Why do they ask you to divorce him? Why do you think they wouldn't mean it? If my children had suggested that, it would have been a big red flag for me. It seems a very unusual thing for children to suggest.

This is extremely damaging for your children, please put them first.

You need to leave him, sort your own drinking out and prioritise your children. Absolutely do not leave your children with your drunk husband who you've said isn't patient and can't handle them while you swan off on a trip with your friend. They've also expressed not wanting to be with their dad. I feel incredibly sorry for your children.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and the fact that your sons are asking you to divorce him is heartbreaking. Listen to them they are asking you to take them away from him.

As a completely different issue, why are your boys fighting. Why haven't you nipped that in the bud. I wouldn't tolerate it, I'd hate it. You say your husband hates it, I would too, being around 2 people fighting is horrible.

if you don’t like the person he is when he’s drunk/drinking.

Your sons have asked you more than once to divorce him…

And he can’t be trusted to parent when he’s on his own…

then why are you with him. It’s like having an extra child that needs more care and handling than your actual children.

How must your boys feel when he behaves so differently to your daughter than them?

You are also showing all of them that am I healthy relationship with alcohol and binge drinking is normal. It’s how folks live. You are opening them up to the same issue as they age.

if your husband stopped drinking - would you still want to be with him. Do you love him? Or are you with him out of habit and ‘the children’?

I can't ask them outright...they're kids...it's too huge a burden.

You’re right that they can’t make the decision- you must make it- but the fact they are asking you to divorce him is really concerning and very, very unusual.

I think you’re letting a lot of things cloud your judgement here- your drinking is one of them. Your husband certainly sounds like an alcoholic and his drinking and moods are harming your family. Cut out the booze yourself so you can think straight (the way you talk about your drinking also doesn’t sound great but that’s secondary for now). You need to put your children first.

By asking if they really mean it, you're making it their responsibility, when it's actually yours to decide to put their needs first.
The fact they are saying it at all shows how unhappy they are.

My H has been a functioning alcoholic for at least the last year, if not longer. Last October I took the leap and asked him to leave. I was falling down the same rabbit hole for many of the same reasons as you. Fast forward 9 months and I still find my relationship with alcohol is not a good one but I'm working on it. My H however is now an alcoholic. He knows it's an issue and desperately wants to stop but no longer has control.

Only you can know if you can take back control of your alcohol consumption whilst living with someone else that also has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

If you believe your DH is an alcoholic then you need to understand that there's very little you can do. Addiction is consuming and only the people with the addiction can deal with it.

As a completely different issue, why are your boys fighting.
Mirroring their dad's moody behaviour maybe? Or upset by it.

Please don't leave your kids with their alcoholic dad. Don't add to the damage they have already had. That they have asked you more than once to divorce him speaks volumes. Put them first.

As a child who grew up with a moody borderline-alcoholic father who had a Jekyll and Hyde personality you need to address this now, its beyond grim for your kids. It’s not quality parenting at all from either of you. It’s a ‘getting by, surviving because there hasn’t been an accident -yet’ type of situation that in my view is wholly toxic to the well-being of the kids. I appreciate alcoholism is an addiction that is impossibly difficult to shake but your priority needs to be cutting down on the drink and re establishing the family unit.

It really is unusual. For children that are happy and secure the last thing on earth that they want is for the parents to split up. I think that says a lot about their home life and I'd worry about the effects the drinking is having on them.

Re your own drinking, stop blaming your husband for your own drinking. That's on you, and you alone. It doesn't matter if he's bought you a bottle or brings you a glass, you can just say no, and mean it. I'm surrounded by heavy drinkers and gave up a year ago so I'm talking from experience. Just stick to your guns and stop blaming other people for your own life choices

You're right.

Thank you everyone.

I wanted and needed the brutal honesty.

And yes, I know I'm not blameless. But with regards the boys, I think they talk about divorce because dad says no a lot, and I'm seen as more of a pushover.

I love my DH. I'm not in love with him but he is my best friend. BUT I do see the household is not a happy one.

You don't need to be morally spotless in order to leave someone. It's not like a points scoring thing, as in, "you can't leave me because of my drinking, because you also drink. Gotcha!". It's enough to believe that the dynamic concerning you two and alcohol is unhealthy and harmful, and that's it. You don't have to morally extricate yourself first by giving up drinking. Indeed, any reason is a good enough reason to leave someone if you no longer want to be with them.

I disagree that your kids are bringing up divorce because your DH says no and you're more the soft touch. That's the case in lots of families. It's still highly unusual for them to actually ask you to divorce their father.

5 nights a week he is drunk and unable to effectively parent. He has a problem.

But with regards the boys, I think they talk about divorce because dad says no a lot, and I'm seen as more of a pushover.

Yeah, it isn't that. Asking your mother to divorce your father is really unusual and you are hugely minimising it. You've said yourself that when he's drunk he doesn't parent them because he "can't be arsed", that you don't like him when he's drunk (to the extent that you also get drunk), that he has moods, that you're worried to leave the children alone with him. Try to think what this is like for a 10yo.

Hi @ThisIsntMyUsualUsername

I ended my marriage in November - not bc of alcohol but I now see how much of a problem it was in our relationship.

ExH drank 5 nights a week and I kept him company probably 3, sometimes 4.

Ex H would drink easily 6x IPAs (6%) in a standard evening and maybe 1-2 extras (a gin, glass of wine, standard lager). A “big night” would be god knows how much and on weekends he’d start about 4pm. 3pm in summer.

I didn’t drink as much as him but enough to be too much - a 6 pack of beer or a bottle of wine wouldn’t touch the sides.

We never had sex in the evening as he’d been drinking so our sex life was non existent. I would go to bed and he would often stay up watching tv, drinking and smoking. He was quite disciplined about exercise - could easily run 10-12km on a hangover and held down a senior job so in his mind his drinking wasn’t a problem. I realise now we never went anywhere in the evening as he was always itching to keep drinking.

I ended the marriage and have barely drunk since - 1-2 drinks a week if out with friends. Never alone at home. I don’t miss it at all, I slept so much better and lost about a stone.

He is still drinking the same amount. I know the kids don’t like it. I’d always been a good time girl when it came to booze, I liked to be sociable and have fun but post pandemic I had picked up his habit of using alcohol to escape.

So I guess I would say, having lived it and now having some distance from it - yes it’s an issue.

Endoftheroad12345
Thank you. This is very similar. I also feel thay once me and kids live alone it will feel like a weight has lifted, but getting to that point feels so traumatic.
When DH travels for work the atmosphere is so much lighter, which isn't to say it's oppressive normally, but the difference is palpable.