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Original poster

Should I tell his girlfriend?

26 replies

ABox96 · 16/07/2023 23:26

Soo I'm on a spicy dating site... and yesterday I got an upfront message from a guy asking if I wanted him basically.
I instantly recognised him (we went to school together) and I know he is a in a long term relationship.
He wrote on his profile he's been on the site before so this isn't a one off and his account is ID verified so I know its definitely him.
Should I tell his girlfriend? I'm so torn because technically it's none of my business and I'd respect that.
But I was that girl!!! Being cheated on for months while none the wiser, while planning a future with that man, while he and others kept this sorid secret from me. I found out because a friend of a friend of the girl he cheated with, thought I should know so she messaged me out the blue one day and told me everything she knew. I was so grateful to her because I knew damn well the cheater would never have told me, heck I could still be with him now none the wiser. I'm over him but not fully over what happened so I don't want to act emotionally with this. I just keep thinking if this was me, I'd want to know...but I can't hold others to the expectations so I'm just stuck on what to do.

I don't know him or his girlfriend personally and I doubt they'd remember or know me tbh but I can't help but feel like she atleast needs to know so she can make an informed decision on being with him or not. So so torn

(Also to note, I'm not wanting to tell her so I can have a chance with him, definitely not Nor am I wanting to stir up any unnecessary drama)

OP posts:
clpsmum · 16/07/2023 23:49

I would want to know if it were me

StrawberryRainbows · 16/07/2023 23:50

I would want to know if my husband or boyfriend were cheating. She might not leave him and potentially blast you as a potential homewrecker, so be prepared for the outfall.
How were you planning to tell her?

samestyle · 16/07/2023 23:53

Only if I was 100% sure he still has a gf, have you outright asked him?

Hawkins0001 · 16/07/2023 23:54

For me, not my ducks or circus as the appropriate perspective

Hawkins0001 · 16/07/2023 23:54

Especially if it's eg an open relationship etc

Whattotrynow · 16/07/2023 23:58

this is always a divisive question!

People seem to come down heavily on one side of the other.

I’m (ahem) much more nuanced 😀

in your situation, I’d say let her know. Your motivations are good.

however- some contradictory things to think about:

be careful about exposing yourself to abuse and hassle. Can you let her know in a way that doesn’t link back to you? Can you stay anonymous?

At the same time, can you tell her in a way that doesn’t leave her feeling more confused? This I when a message from a named person helps. A message with no proof just leaves more questions. You could just be a spiteful nutter.

maybe send a screenshot of his dating profile/ say she can get an account and try to match with him? Then she can do her own detective work.

YerAWizardHarry · 17/07/2023 00:01

Are you sure she doesn’t already know? Open relationship/swinger type situation?

TreesandFish · 17/07/2023 00:04

Maybe she knows. Some People do have open relationships

MsDogLady · 17/07/2023 00:05

@ABox96, it’s a no-brainer for me. She deserves to know the truth…just as you did. Give her the chance to use her agency to make choices.

MumGMT · 17/07/2023 00:40

TreesandFish · 17/07/2023 00:04

Maybe she knows. Some People do have open relationships

It's far more likely that he's cheating than it being an open relationship.

And if it's an open relationship then there's no harm done if the OP lets her know. I'm sure it's part and parcel of having an open relationship, at some point a well meaning person is likely to tell one of the people involved that the other is cheating.

KatherineSwynford1403 · 17/07/2023 00:53

YerAWizardHarry · 17/07/2023 00:01

Are you sure she doesn’t already know? Open relationship/swinger type situation?

In which case, telling her won't matter, will it? But if it isn't, and she is being made a mug of, at least she has the info to make a decision.

Eva6437 · 17/07/2023 01:18

I would want to know and would be so grateful if someone told me. Maybe screenshot the messages incase the girl doesn’t believe you.

Fraaahnces · 17/07/2023 01:25

I hope you kept screenshots. Unless faced with absolute evidence, she probably won’t believe you anyway, and you will be branded as the crazy girl who wants to stir trouble and split them up so you can have him yourself.

kcy · 17/07/2023 01:33

I would let her know, if that kind of thing is what is considered okay within their relationship (open relationship etc) then the worst that can really happen is her explaining, if she gets angry I’d just blocky If she doesn’t know then it’s only fair.

GarlicGrace · 17/07/2023 01:34

I would. In your case, it'd be pretty easy to send her screenshots with a note to say that, although you haven't stayed in touch with either of them and recognised him from school.

She or he might decide to go all detective and identify you from your profile - are you in a small town where this could cause trouble for you?

Like you, I've never fully got over the fact that so many 'friends' didn't tell me. Since then, I have told a few times. I've kept quiet a few times, too: much depends on risk of collateral damage.

LadyJ2023 · 17/07/2023 02:04

You have no idea of they have an open relationship etc or anything. Not your job to stir any pot

Susieb2023 · 17/07/2023 05:14

You’re always going to get a split opinion. Do what you feel is right. For me I would NEVER leave another woman unaware that her right to informed sexual consent and personal agency was being taken. I would always tell, I believe she has a right to know.

mosiacmaker · 17/07/2023 05:21

if she already knows then she won’t mind being informed again will she? That’s not a good reason to not tell someone (and is why I wasn’t told my ex was cheating on me)!

only tell her if you can give good amount of information, so a screenshot of his profile.

seeing as this would be very easy for her to verify by making her own profile then I think it’s fine to do this anonymously - as you being a named person isn’t going to give her any more information that getting that screen shot from someone anon.

WhamBamThankU · 17/07/2023 05:53

I've been through this, my bf was on dating sites and sending dick pics to women and arranging to meet. I'd have been so grateful to have known as early as possible as the longer it goes on the more humiliating it feels.

GreyCarpet · 17/07/2023 07:04

KatherineSwynford1403 · 17/07/2023 00:53

In which case, telling her won't matter, will it? But if it isn't, and she is being made a mug of, at least she has the info to make a decision.

Show quote history

I'm glad others have said this.

I'm never quite sure why "she might already know" is given as a reason to not tell.

If she already knows, she'll reply with "thanks for the info/your concern" and ignore.

But far more likely she has no idea.

I'd want to be told.

RachelTopliss · 17/07/2023 08:16

LadyJ2023 · 17/07/2023 02:04

You have no idea of they have an open relationship etc or anything. Not your job to stir any pot

Most people DON'T have an open relationship you know.

Original poster
ABox96 · 17/07/2023 08:19

Alot of people in open relationships state that on the dating site plus his profile said he needs discretion due to his job - yet had plenty of identifying pictures lol so pretty sure it's not an open relationship but if it is, it wouldn't be new info to her
What a weird situation to be in!

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 17/07/2023 08:28

I would want to know.

itsmyp4rty · 17/07/2023 08:33

If you tell her then don't be vague about it. Have screen shots so she's left in no doubt. I would want to know if I was being made a fool of and being put at risk of STDs.

Emmamoo89 · 17/07/2023 08:38

I'd want to know x