Entering my home without permission

[DancingOnIce]

My partner and I bought a house together. He already has a house he lives in elsewhere in the country and he used money from a holiday home he sold to invest in this second house which is my only home with my 2 children. This meant there was a bigger house with a bedroom for his daughter to stay in. We agreed to keep the house until my children were 18. The relationship has now ended with a year still to go before my children have left home. We haven't spoken since February. He sent a couple of upsetting letters which have left me feeling distressed but has agreed to honour what we had said. He turned up this morning out of the blue and parked in the drive while I was out. He then entered the house with his key while my daughter was in alone then stole the back door key. He lied to me about stealing it and I had to be very insistent to get it back as I wouldn't have been able to lock the back door. He said he wants to keep the relationship but I have found this behaviour upsetting and invasive and I don't feel completely at ease in my home. I feel very trapped and upset by it all and am trying to keep things steady for another year until my children finish sixth form. Would you feel /do the same?

First thing is get the locks changed and yes, if the relationship is over then its very invasive.

It's also his house and he has the right to enter it as and when he likes. You cannot change the locks and not give him a key either. That is the law.
You may not think it's fair but there is nothing you can do other than sell up and buy a property on your own.

The PP is correct with regard to the legal position but if he's moved out then it's rude and intrusive for him to just show up and let himself in whenever he likes, your daughter must have been quite shocked and possibly even frightened by him coming in.

It would be unfortunate if you lost your keys and had to change the locks for insurance purposes and then, what with life being so busy, you forgot to mention it to him. He would have no way of proving otherwise.

you cant lock him out of his own house

Unfortunately it is his house too. You need to either buy him out of his share and continue to live there or sell the house to pay him back. Your children and their education is not his problem to fix anymore. Just give him his money, thats all you can do.

What disgraceful behaviour, I can see why you don't want to be in a relationship with him. Your poor daughter must have been quite frightened at him showing up like that and letting himself in when she was there alone.
Can you borrow the money to buy him out? Or perhaps set up an agreement where you pay him some token rent for his share, so at least you have the basic right to privacy that renters do. I would not hesitate to change the locks in the meantime, children welfare and safety come first as far as Im concerned. And he would have to get a locksmith out so youd have some notice before he barges in. But ideally sort some kind of arrangement with him for the next year so this doesnt happen again.

Thanks for the reply. It's not fairness that is the issue for me, it's feeling intimidated and him exerting control over me. I keep looking on rightmove but I'm hesitant to disrupt the kids and the relationship impacted my wellbeing so I am trying to keep steady, so it's difficult. If only I could magically be in my own house I would do it tomorrow!

Sell the house. Fast.
Seriously you cant be thinking of keeping a house with a creepy af ex for another year.

Get it on the market and in the mean time, if pos, look for a place to rent for you and the kids.

No need to tiptoe about because they have exams/will only be there another year. Real life teaches real life lessons. They'll adapt.

Teach them to never stay in vulnerable situations. To take action to protect themselves.

These answers are really helpful thanks. My head keeps spinning over whether just to sell it now and get it all over with as I don't have peace of mind. But then we did agree and i shouldn't feel intimidated into disrupting the children. He has agreed to honour it, but it still feels like i am under someones control. Tricky with the locks - I'm just keeping the key in my side of the door to feel relaxed. I can't afford to buy him out unfortunately. We are joint tenants in common so it's not too complicated.

You don't want to spend a year on edge that he will walk in whenever he wants, you need to sell up so you can draw a line under the relationship. Look for somewhere to rent if you can, better a few days disruption for you & your dc than a year of living on your nerves. Will you have enough money to be able to buy again if you sell up? If so, try to find somewhere that only has an initial 6 month lease, that way if you have found somewhere to buy, you aren't tied into a full year lease.

I would report it to the police, hopefully that gives you the ability to change the locks. I would move sooner rather than later.

Report him to the police for what, entering his own house and taking his own back door key??

OP realistically selling up and getting out of this situation is better for you and your kids, they need to feel safe in their home and so do you!

Can you at least put bolt locks on the inside of the doors so that he can't just walk in while your there

You can't change the locks, but I would install a security swing latches on the inside of all of your doors. That way, when you're home, he can't just walk in on you or your kids, and you don't have to leave your key in the door.

You keep saying he agreed. Actions speak louder. He has no intention of honouring what he said and he doesn't have to.

Please prioritise moving. The stealing the key thing is properly weird.

He doesn’t live there and took something and is trying to intimidate the op. I would try reporting it in case the op will be able to change the locks. It’s unlikely but if it works it will solve one issue.

It won’t, because it’s his house too.

Get a ring door bell? Even as a deterrent?

Where I live house sales are taking ages to first of all sell and then actually go through. Maybe the house should be put on the market?
It would be helpful to move while DC is still at home and not off at uni to declutter and pack their own belongings assuming the new house would be smaller.

Put the house on the market, you have time to wait for a decent offer on the house rather than accepting whatever offer comes through when the time comes and you need to sell.

So your complaining about him letting himself into a house he part owns lol

He doesn’t live there.

It doesn't matter that he doesn't live there, it's his house. He owns it, and he is not renting it out to the op. He's not her landlord. It would be better for the op if he were.

Coming into an ex partners house, taking things and intimidating them is grounds for getting the police involved and having the locks changed.

He went into his house. He removed his key from the back door. Op didn't say anything about him threatening anyone. The police don't have the time or inclination to give a shit about this.