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Original poster

Entering my home without permission

62 replies

DancingOnIce · 16/07/2023 21:54

My partner and I bought a house together. He already has a house he lives in elsewhere in the country and he used money from a holiday home he sold to invest in this second house which is my only home with my 2 children. This meant there was a bigger house with a bedroom for his daughter to stay in. We agreed to keep the house until my children were 18. The relationship has now ended with a year still to go before my children have left home. We haven't spoken since February. He sent a couple of upsetting letters which have left me feeling distressed but has agreed to honour what we had said. He turned up this morning out of the blue and parked in the drive while I was out. He then entered the house with his key while my daughter was in alone then stole the back door key. He lied to me about stealing it and I had to be very insistent to get it back as I wouldn't have been able to lock the back door. He said he wants to keep the relationship but I have found this behaviour upsetting and invasive and I don't feel completely at ease in my home. I feel very trapped and upset by it all and am trying to keep things steady for another year until my children finish sixth form. Would you feel /do the same?

OP posts:
gogomoto · 17/07/2023 05:58

It's 5 months since the relationship ended, he has been patient- people move all the time, as long as they can still reach their school I don't see the issue. Sell the house and rent if necessary until they finish exams. It's his house too so he has the right to be there

VeridicalVagabond · 17/07/2023 08:10

Pawpatrolsucks · 17/07/2023 02:14

Coming into an ex partners house, taking things and intimidating them is grounds for getting the police involved and having the locks changed.

Show quote history

No it's not. It's his house, he has just as much right to be there as OP. It's also his back door key that he has just as much right to have in his possession as she does. I fully understand why she feels uncomfortable but he hasn't done anything that's even remotely close to against the law, and the police wouldn't be able to do anything even if they wanted to. The police can't just overrule the law whenever they feel like it, that's not how it works, which is why most sensible people are recommending the OP take steps to sell up and leave this situation.

BMW6 · 17/07/2023 09:59

Surely if the OP changed the locks or stopped the ex from gaining admittance into HIS OWN PROPERTY then the OP would be breaking the law and the ex could justifiably call the Police on HER?

She has no legal right to keep him out. None.

Glamrockgoddess · 17/07/2023 10:02

BMW6 · 17/07/2023 09:59

Surely if the OP changed the locks or stopped the ex from gaining admittance into HIS OWN PROPERTY then the OP would be breaking the law and the ex could justifiably call the Police on HER?

She has no legal right to keep him out. None.

This is correct.

Lolapusht · 17/07/2023 10:50

Of course you can change the locks. Legally he has a right to access his property but you’ve got to keep in mind what his options are to gain access. The police will not be interested as it’s a civil matter. If OP changed the locks but agreed he could enter the property at specific times, she’d still be secure and he’d still have access. He could take her to court but that will take months and cost thousands, plus if the OP an offers him access at specified times he isn’t being denied access.

Why does he want access? What was his purpose? Communicate with him by email so you’ve got a record of the discussion.

As far as you’re concerned, you’ve got a missing back door key that he says he hasn’t taken so you need to secure your property, don’t you? We’ve had to change the locks due to missing keys before. Not unusual to have to…

Gall10 · 17/07/2023 10:56

How would you feel if he came one day while you were out, changed the locks & didn’t let you in? My guess is you’d be pretty pu$$ed off & maybe call the police. Now imagine how he feels being locked out of his own home.
We’re you happy to allow him to be alone with your daughter previously?
Point of my message….buy your own place then you can say who has a key.

SquishyGloopyBum · 17/07/2023 11:56

All those who are saying legally he is allowed access are correct.

But equally, he's come in and taken the ops back door key. Leaving her without. It's a fire risk if nothing else.

He's clearly trying to assert some kind of authority. He's in the wrong here.

Op, I think you need to get the house sold. Take away his power.

onefinemess · 17/07/2023 12:37

It's his house too, you can't lock him out, change the locks or do anything legally to keep him out.

You can commit many offences if you try.

Unfortunately the only thing you can do is negotiate with him.

IT'S. HIS. HOUSE. TOO.

drpet49 · 17/07/2023 12:39

Greenhelium · 16/07/2023 21:56

First thing is get the locks changed and yes, if the relationship is over then its very invasive.

She cannot legally do this. He also owns the house.

onefinemess · 17/07/2023 12:40

Lolapusht · 17/07/2023 10:50

Of course you can change the locks. Legally he has a right to access his property but you’ve got to keep in mind what his options are to gain access. The police will not be interested as it’s a civil matter. If OP changed the locks but agreed he could enter the property at specific times, she’d still be secure and he’d still have access. He could take her to court but that will take months and cost thousands, plus if the OP an offers him access at specified times he isn’t being denied access.

Why does he want access? What was his purpose? Communicate with him by email so you’ve got a record of the discussion.

As far as you’re concerned, you’ve got a missing back door key that he says he hasn’t taken so you need to secure your property, don’t you? We’ve had to change the locks due to missing keys before. Not unusual to have to…

Please stop giving wrong advice.

It's his house too. If the OP changed the locks he could simply smash the door down. It's his property. He doesn't need to go anywhere near a court to access it.

STOP. GIVING. WRONG. ADVICE.

Lolapusht · 17/07/2023 14:00

I. KNOW. HE. ALSO. OWNS. THE. PROPERTY.

I. SAID. THAT. IN. MY. POST.

Unless the OP can’t read, she will have read the numerous posts stating that she can’t deny her ex access to the property as he also owns it. That is the legal position. He has a legal right to enter the property because he also owns it.

He doesn’t live in the house and the OP hasn’t said if he had a genuine reason (other than being a dick) to enter the property.

We all have legal rights and have remedies available to us if those rights are infringed. Whether someone pursues those rights and what the remedies actually are can be different in real life to what is “on paper”. How many posts are on MN about crappy neighbours who effectively break the law and posters tell them “ignore it for an easy life” ie let them break the rules without seeking the legal remedy you are entitled to?

The OP knows her ex and how he’s likely to react/what he’s likely to do if she changes the locks.

OP, as I’m sure your well aware, your DP has a legal right to enter the property.

You've got a lost key, that’s not secure.

I know what I’d be dealing with first.

Humidititties · 17/07/2023 14:03

Lolapusht · 17/07/2023 14:00

I. KNOW. HE. ALSO. OWNS. THE. PROPERTY.

I. SAID. THAT. IN. MY. POST.

Unless the OP can’t read, she will have read the numerous posts stating that she can’t deny her ex access to the property as he also owns it. That is the legal position. He has a legal right to enter the property because he also owns it.

He doesn’t live in the house and the OP hasn’t said if he had a genuine reason (other than being a dick) to enter the property.

We all have legal rights and have remedies available to us if those rights are infringed. Whether someone pursues those rights and what the remedies actually are can be different in real life to what is “on paper”. How many posts are on MN about crappy neighbours who effectively break the law and posters tell them “ignore it for an easy life” ie let them break the rules without seeking the legal remedy you are entitled to?

The OP knows her ex and how he’s likely to react/what he’s likely to do if she changes the locks.

OP, as I’m sure your well aware, your DP has a legal right to enter the property.

You've got a lost key, that’s not secure.

I know what I’d be dealing with first.

Who's breaking the law here?

PaterPower · 17/07/2023 14:49

PP are describing his behaviour as intimidating. He might not have seen it that way - as far as he’s concerned he might just be worried about the money he has tied up in the property.

I agree that it’s not great behaviour on his part, but surely the answer is to talk to him about it? Explain that it makes you feel vulnerable if he just walks in, and get him to agree to give you notice (although he’s not obliged to).

Reiterate the date you’ll move out or put the place on the market in writing, if you haven’t already, so that he’s got something on ‘paper’ about the agreement you’ve reached.

Having an ex partner refuse to put verbal commitments in writing does nothing for your confidence about their intentions - as I’ve found out first hand in the past.

Cherrysoup · 17/07/2023 15:30

You can't legally keep him out. Sell.

PrincessofWellies · 17/07/2023 16:20

Lolapusht · 17/07/2023 10:50

Of course you can change the locks. Legally he has a right to access his property but you’ve got to keep in mind what his options are to gain access. The police will not be interested as it’s a civil matter. If OP changed the locks but agreed he could enter the property at specific times, she’d still be secure and he’d still have access. He could take her to court but that will take months and cost thousands, plus if the OP an offers him access at specified times he isn’t being denied access.

Why does he want access? What was his purpose? Communicate with him by email so you’ve got a record of the discussion.

As far as you’re concerned, you’ve got a missing back door key that he says he hasn’t taken so you need to secure your property, don’t you? We’ve had to change the locks due to missing keys before. Not unusual to have to…

And he can get a locksmith out to let him into his own house or break the door and op will be footing the bill. Some crap advice here.

Original poster
DancingOnIce · 17/07/2023 21:21

Thanks all. I agree with the points made. Legally, you can't change locks without providing a key. Equally, an ex should provide notice before entering, particularly where someone else's children are concerned. My daughter didn't realise he had been in the house luckily. The situation could have arisen where she went downstairs assuming she was alone and suddenly saw a man there unexpectedly. That could give you quite a shock! There is no way she would have expected to see someone from 6 months ago who lives 300 miles away!

He already has his own back door key. He stole mine so I had no way of locking the back door so he could get in later if he wanted to I suppose and I would have no way of stopping it. I haven't really talked about the circumstances of why i ended the relationship so it isn't quite so straightforward as 'well it's his house'. I did have a conversation with him once he had returned the key as he wants to continue the relationship. I wasn't assertive enough though and didn't say how inappropriate it was just to walk in.

I agree that i am going to look at selling the house as I have found it all quite upsetting. We do actually have a written agreement and our intention was always to keep the investment separate from our relationship. It's worth saying that I pay for everything. He has invested some money in the purchase only, as it will make a nice profit for him. I think he persuaded me to buy a house together so he would have a hold over me and I was stupid to agree. He went to a lot of effort to persuade me and I resisted many times. I just don't have peace of mind and it's really stressful. Don't make my mistake!

OP posts:
toochesterdraws · 17/07/2023 21:33

Did he have time to get a spare key cut?

I'd change the lock on the front door and add a chain, and put a bolt on the back door so he can't let himself in that way. Get your dc to use the bolt and the chain when they are at home and you're out.

If you're legally challenged about it, you can then legitimately say that you have not changed all the locks, and that the bolt is merely a normal and totally sensible thing to have on any back door, and how were you to know he would try to let himself in?

Original poster
DancingOnIce · 17/07/2023 22:12

toochesterdraws · 17/07/2023 21:33

Did he have time to get a spare key cut?

I'd change the lock on the front door and add a chain, and put a bolt on the back door so he can't let himself in that way. Get your dc to use the bolt and the chain when they are at home and you're out.

If you're legally challenged about it, you can then legitimately say that you have not changed all the locks, and that the bolt is merely a normal and totally sensible thing to have on any back door, and how were you to know he would try to let himself in?

He already had a set of keys to the house. It wouldn't be an issue if people were respectful of each other.

OP posts:
okiedokie1 · 18/07/2023 14:01

Pawpatrolsucks · 17/07/2023 00:12

I would report it to the police, hopefully that gives you the ability to change the locks. I would move sooner rather than later.

Report what to the police? Man parks on his driveway and walks into his house?

okiedokie1 · 18/07/2023 14:04

People need to stop shooting from the hip and giving terrible advice. Fact is, ex could move back in if he so wanted. It's his house also.

NewtonsCradle · 18/07/2023 14:28

If you can afford it get security cameras and an alarm system that logs entry and exit. Put in writing that you want him to let you know when he is coming into your home (both of yours house) ask in writing why he removed the only back door key and state clearly that you intend to sell the house and therefore put it on the market. Do not move out of the house. He maybe trying to intimidate you so you leave and then he can move into the house (and refuse to sell). It is worth talking to a solicitor and getting advice but it's rarely worth sending solicitors letters, going to court etc. I fear he might be trying to make you feel unsafe to stay but will also refuse to sell, in essence coerce his way in. Start saving in case you need to go to court but hopefully it won't come to that.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/07/2023 14:38

Could you get the lock changed and get a set of keys together for him? Just don't willingly offer them or give them to him, have them available should he need them but he certainly doesn't need both keys to the back door. Surely that would be a safety issue (in case you needed to exit through that door in an emergency) and something that could invalidate your home insurance (needing all keys to all external doors perhaps)?

In the meantime, while it will be something that you can set the ball rolling on, it's not likely to get processed in the immediate future, so you should probably contact 3 local estate agents and get the property on the market as soon as possible.

Qbish · 18/07/2023 14:40

Pawpatrolsucks · 17/07/2023 00:12

I would report it to the police, hopefully that gives you the ability to change the locks. I would move sooner rather than later.

Report what to the police? That a man walked into a house he co-owns?!

Qbish · 18/07/2023 14:41

NewtonsCradle · 18/07/2023 14:28

If you can afford it get security cameras and an alarm system that logs entry and exit. Put in writing that you want him to let you know when he is coming into your home (both of yours house) ask in writing why he removed the only back door key and state clearly that you intend to sell the house and therefore put it on the market. Do not move out of the house. He maybe trying to intimidate you so you leave and then he can move into the house (and refuse to sell). It is worth talking to a solicitor and getting advice but it's rarely worth sending solicitors letters, going to court etc. I fear he might be trying to make you feel unsafe to stay but will also refuse to sell, in essence coerce his way in. Start saving in case you need to go to court but hopefully it won't come to that.

This is batshit. It's his house too!

Should OP be putting it in writing too when she wants access to the house?!

rwalker · 18/07/2023 14:42

My god there’s some shit advice from keyboard solicitors here

he part owns it and there no court order or anything in place to stop him going in

can you blame him for wanting to check on something he has a finical interest in

get it on the market and draw a line under it