Am I a narcissist? Am I abusive?

[Amianarcissist]

I’m going through he worst time of my life. I feel like I’m going crazy, absolutely insane.
6 months ago I found out my long term partner was cheating. He came home left and has hardly seen our young children. I reacted not well, I’ll be honest. I screamed, shouted, sent loads of messages. Begged him to see the children and couldn’t understand. He refused to talk about anything. Denied it was an affair. Lied about so much. It’s taken 6 months for the whole truth to come out. Turns out he had been cheating for years with multiple women. He says it was my fault as he was so unhappy and I was abusive.

I don’t recognise the person he claims me to be. But I am starting to seriously question my whole identity. I thought I was just home doing the best I could to raise two small children. I went through both pregnancies alone and have practically raised them alone as he works abroad. Is it really true I could be abusive? Am I abusive for reacting and saying horrible things since the cheating? I am feeling so low. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore.

You are not a narcissist and are not an abuser.

my exDH did exactly the same thing to me - accused me of abusing him, cheating on him etc.

At the time I really doubted myself and thought I was an abuser. Looking back, I realise how ridiculous that was.

there are a lot of people on here who understand ‘The script’ a lot better, but you’ll find your ex is following a well known pattern. He has behaved terribly, but wants to blame you for the breakdown of your relationship.

his behaviour is narcissistic- especially the goading you and winding you up until you lose your temper. That is a very common tactic.

you know this man is a liar- do not waste any more time worrying about his opinion of you. It is all lies.

ignore him. Focus on the people who love and like you.

wishing you all the best, OP.

No. You aren't. It's him.
Get therapy. Be glad he doesn't want to see tge children much. Have as little contact with him as possible.
Read about covert narcissism.
This is classic I'm afraid op. Once your eyes are open you can never unsee it.
Stay strong.

I am sorry you feel like this.
I got to say I am very impressed by this dude, he cheat on you, let you do ALL the hard work and he managed to make it all your fault? Damn.....he is very good! Despicable, disgusting and almost evil but I gotta say very good. You are hurting now so don't see it but in time you will. He blames his inadequacy on you because looking in a mirror would be too scary, you and your children just had a lucky escape, you don't want that in your house. Give yourself time, question yourself but not from his point of view, see yourself through your children, your family, your friends, believe them and not from some insecure miserable little man. Your only mistake was choosing him. Look after yourself.

I really appreciate you taking the time to write back. It’s been a really tough year. I’m struggling in a way I never knew was possible. I look back over the years and I do now see the gaslighting and the minimising of my feelings. He would do things like lie about being at work but actually be at a party and I was home with two under twos.

i feel like I keep going in a loop. My friends and family will tell me I’m kind, empathetic and it’s not me. But then he will somehow make me think it must be me. He then confuses me by putting money in my bank or buying expensive appliances and then tells me how kind he is. he constantly tells me because we jointly own a company that I am so lucky to get the financial security I do. Even though he illegally resigned me from hat company. Then I start questioning myself all over again.

It s worth looking up narcissistic personality disorder. Nearly all the information about it will tell you that questioning whether you are a narcissist means you are almost certainly not one; narcissists never think they are wrong about anything.

i feel like I keep going in a loop. My friends and family will tell me I’m kind, empathetic and it’s not me. But then he will somehow make me think it must be me. He then confuses me by putting money in my bank or buying expensive appliances and then tells me how kind he is. he constantly tells me because we jointly own a company that I am so lucky to get the financial security I do. Even though he illegally resigned me from hat company. Then I start questioning myself all over again.

Sounds like your ex is one though, they like to confuse people, it's a form of control. They are maddening and crazy making. Minimise contact with him as much as possible, if you can limit communication it to text and email then even better.

I am so sorry you are going through this, people like your ex are utterly toxic and do so much damage. It is definitely him, not you. It will get better but it takes time.

It will take you time to fully work out what is going on here, OP.

It took me years. So please don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way. You are confused because he is confusing you on purpose- it’s part of his game.

two pieces of advice:

1- ignore this twat. Everytime he does something that makes you doubt yourself think ‘of course he would do that’. Realise he’ll never change, but you can control your reaction to him. Ignore. Ignore.

2- Listen to the advice of PPs, and others on these forum who have been through similar. Maybe find a women’s domestic abuse support group. You’ll then find ways to deal with this idiot. It will also help you understand you are not alone and this behaviour is sadly very common.

Yeah, you're not narcissistic or abusive, that's him projecting his own characteristics onto you.

The money and gifts are forms of control, disguised as 'generosity'. As you already know, when he gives something to you, it has strings attached, like you acting like you're grateful to be getting what you're already entitled to, and shutting up about him illegally resigning you from the company. By buying things he is also in charge of what you get. You might not want an expensive dishwasher, for example. You might want a cheaper dishwasher and money for something else. But he will make you out to be 'ungrateful' for not wanting the things he has decided you can have (and that he will be telling others about in order to look good).

You already know he is a liar, and that he lies whenever it suits him. This hasn't changed now that you have found out about some of the lies. He will still be lying whenever it suits him to do so. So don't believe anything he says unless you can independently verify it's true.

Your head will be a mess for a while. Writing down upsetting or confusing situations one-by-one, as well and honestly as you can remember them (or right after they happen) will help you to get your head straight over time. Therapy with someone who understands narcissistic abuse will also help.

Even when you have a lot of confidence that you were not narcissistic or an abuser, you may have moments of doubt, or find yourself ruminating on the situations. That's because at heart, the abuser's behaviour is inexplicable to someone who has normal levels of empathy, and normal expectations of how caring people behave in a relationship.

The narcissist is not normal, and by trying to follow his "logic", you will tie yourself up in knots. It is brutally hard for non-narcissists to truly understand the logic of "if it's what I want, I deserve to have it, and anyone who prevents me in any way is controlling and horrible". You keep trying to find an interpretation of their behavior that has a bit more care and humanity in it, but you end up coming back to the same point that there's really no care involved as you understand it. And yet the abuser will continue to seem convincingly angry and blaming towards you.

The best thing you can do is disengage as much as possible. Expect nothing from him and work towards eliminating him from your life. That's the only place peace is to be found.

This is an excellent post.

Please Google reactive abuse

OP your post really hit a nerve because this is what my ex did to me. He had am affair, before that several emotional affairs. He also said I abused our DC so social services got involved (no further action) and then he took me to court and tried - but failed - to get 100% custody. It's taken about 3 years of therapy to realise that HE was abusive. That he is probably a narcissist. A friend is now going through similar and her ex is saying she's abusive. And she isn't abusive either, he ex is though. There must be some forum or something where these men learn what to say as they use all the same buzzwords and phrases.

It's a horrible thing to be accused of abuse, I felt dirty, even when you know it's not true. But it's NOT you, it's HIM! Good luck. XXX

https://www.seethrough.org.uk/

This is the dictionary definition of gaslighting. He's a nasty piece of work .Narcissists project their faults on to others as they cannot bear that they're in any way at fault. Your reaction was absolutely normal after such a massive betrayal. Please go No Contact and resist the attempts to guilt trip you and the cycle of idealisation and discarding. Unfortunately I have far too much experience of them having lived with one for years - it is so much better on the other side so set your boundaries and love yourself

I can’t tell you how valuable your words and sources of information have been to me. I am incredibly grateful.

for those that have sadly been in similar circumstances…

did you feel ashamed that you couldn’t see through the behaviour? We were together 15 years and I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person and I feel just so stupid. I feel embarrassed. Naive

did you find it hard to accept that the person was abusive? I look back over the years of all the kind things he also did amongst the immense loneliness and isolation I felt and start thinking he wasn’t always so bad.

Does anyone have any advice on how to find a good therapist? I have in the past had CBT and completed a mindfulness course. I just feel so consumed with grief.

Thank you all again.

You need a solicitor and probably a forensic accountant to unpick the company situation. I'll bet that if he's buying you the odd appliance and giving you some money, there's a whole lot more you are entitled to as half owner. Stake your claim, he's trying to keep you sweet so you don't go for what you are entitled to.

There must be some forum or something where these men learn what to say as they use all the same buzzwords and phrases.

Sometimes previous partners have told them they're abusive and they've learned to turn it around on subsequent partners. Quite often they've been through some form of couples therapy with a partner and have learned buzzwords there. Sometimes they have had therapy on their own, but they don't actually get anything out of it, because their intention in going is to validate to themselves that they're fine and the other person is the problem.

So of course they lie to the therapist, exaggerate what their partners have done, leave out what they've done and then the therapist (who can only go on what they've been told) tells them it sounds like their partners were abusive and tells them to focus on their own needs more and have stronger boundaries. This is then used as an excuse to behave even more selfishly and create twisted boundaries that actually control their partner, like Jonah Hill telling his ex that her posting photos of herself surfing (she was a professional surfer!) "crossed his boundaries".

did you feel ashamed that you couldn’t see through the behaviour? We were together 15 years and I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person and I feel just so stupid. I feel embarrassed. Naive

Of course. The biggest struggle is accepting that part of you did know he was treating you badly, or that you suspected something was off, and you chose to overlook things/give him the benefit of the doubt. That's where self-forgiveness comes in. There are always good reasons that you chose to ignore your own gut feelings. You have young kids and its really hard to leave a relationship at that point, practically and financially, because you're tired, short of cash and just want to be there for your babies before they grow up. You want to believe the best of your partner, so you repeatedly let things go. You probably had experiences of being invalidated and misunderstood in childhood, so it felt 'normal' in your relationship. A lot of factors feed into that 'naivete' and stop you from seeing what's obvious to others, or obvious once certain facts are revealed.

I read something the other day that really resonated with me. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse and physical abuse - those are the cage. But financial abuse - that's the padlock. It's already clear from your post that your husband controls the money in the relationship. I would say this is the number one reason women get into a pattern of invalidating their own thoughts, feelings and needs and submitting to the feelings and thoughts of the person who has the power to take the roof over their heads away from them and the children they love out of their care.

did you find it hard to accept that the person was abusive? I look back over the years of all the kind things he also did amongst the immense loneliness and isolation I felt and start thinking he wasn’t always so bad.

It's incredibly difficult to accept that your partner really might be behaving the way you suspect he might be behaving (or know he behaved) because you can't imagine behaving that way yourself without being wracked with guilt, and your partner doesn't seem to be wracked with guilt; in fact he mostly appears to be angry and disappointed with you. And the periods of niceness are all part of the con. Of course if he was horrible ALL the time, you'd have more motivation to leave. But if he's nice some of the time, there's always the hope that he will be nice more of the time, maybe even all of the time. It's obviously possible, because he does it sometimes! This is the 'intermittent reinforcement' that keeps you clinging on well past the relationship's expiry date.

Watch Dr Ramani and Craig Malkin on you tube

I really beat myself up for not seeing my narcissistic ex for who he was.

Like you, I couldn’t believe I could be such a fool. I thought I was relatively well balanced, good self esteem, intelligent, educated, confident etc.

Falling for my ex made me feel that I was the biggest fool in the planet/ that I must’ve had something wrong with me to have ended up with someone so evil. It took a lot of therapy to realise this is not true.

there’s a lot of quite toxic theories about why people become victims of abuse ( a lot is well intentioned). You hear it’s because the victim has low self esteem and so accepts/ seeks out abusive partners. This is often bollocks.

Narcissists are incredibly charming at first. They make you feel special, that the relationship is special. It all feels amazing. Anyone can be taken in by this. Who wouldn’t want a relationship like this?

Then they start to do little things that make you feel insecure, and make you feel like you are to blame. By that time, you are desperate to just get back to how it was, so you bend over backwards trying. To make it work. But the harder you try, the worse things get. It is so confusing.

The reason you don’t see this behaviour for what it is, is because you trust and love the person. Healthy people trust their partners.

Narcissists often go for people who are empathetic, kind and trusting. Partly because they want to be like you, but never can. And partly, because you are less likely to be suspicious of people you love ( this is a strength in healthy relationships, but a weakness in relationships with a narcissist)

FWIW- I’ve since become close with a couple of women who e been through similar. They are strong, intelligent, capable, clever women. If it can happen to them, it can happen to anyone. It has made me feel better to realise that anyone can be taken in by a narcissist.

And ironically, narcissists tend to go for women who are ‘impressive’ in some way. They want someone who reflects well on them- whether it’s with their looks, achievements, intelligence.

The reason you don’t see this behaviour for what it is, is because you trust and love the person. Healthy people trust their partners.

This is true, but I also think it's a place where some learning can occur for people who have survived narcissistic abuse.

For me, for some time after the point where I secretly felt I no longer really loved my partner because he was so often difficult, blaming, selfish and irresponsible, I continued with the idea that he was just hurting from a bad childhood, lacking in certain social skills and misunderstood (by me). I retained a belief that he was not actively working against me, even though I didn't trust that he was working with me or for me.

That's an unhealthy understanding of of trust. Trust is something you feel, not something you do. It can't be faked. If you don't genuinely feel like you trust someone (which the OP's post suggests she didn't, as she writes of years of loneliness and isolation), then acting as though you do trust them is a delusional act of faith and repeatedly giving the benefit of the doubt. It's not real trust.

That's not to say that the OP was doing something wrong - it was well-intentioned, but founded on a misunderstanding of what healthy trust is. She didn't truly trust her husband, but she also didn't trust herself, and that's what kept her stuck for a long time. Voice of experience speaking here.

@CheekyHobson think you hit the nail on the head with the trust thing. I think the abuse means you don’t trust your instincts.

I knew my ex was a liar, but I kept trying to second guess myself. He was so adamant that I was the abuser, that I kept thinking I must have it wrong.

Its the gaslighting that affects your ability to trust your own instincts.

I can’t tell you how much you’ve all helped me in such a time of a need. I have taken notes, read up on the links and information you have all sent. I feel my eyes have been opened and there is no turning back. I want to work on healing.

I am working on firmly setting boundaries in place. I have blocked him and he can communicate with his children through the iPad should he wish but I will furthermore only communicate with him through email if it is urgent regarding the children or the house. I want to take back control of my life. I want to be happy and want my children to have the childhood they deserve. Our youngest has not even started school as of yet.

Our Family Wizard coparenting app is a game changer - communications can be used in the legal process if it ever came to that

There are other coparenting apps that are cheaper or free though

Hi thank you all again.

I was just thinking this evening about the best way to co parent with him. I say co parent, there is almost next to no parenting on his part. In the last year he has spent two weeks with the kids and rented an air BnB to facilitate this. the rest of the time he is out of the country working or chasing his new American girlfriend around. He is now hinting about relocating to the states.

He considers this all perfectly acceptable and can’t understand why the children are not running to the iPad when home from school/nursery to talk to him when they barely have a relationship with him. It’s very much like hitting your head against a brick wall to communicate this to him.

Anyway he basically only wants to see them as and when it suits him in his schedule. So he is home part of this summer holidays but then disappearing for three months solid to America from September to December.

Can anyone advise the best way for me to approach this? To keep boundaries in place and the least amount of upset. He has rented an air BnB locally. I feel very apprehensive about it all. The children are 5 and 3.

Supriya McKenna has a great podcast but I’m not sure if the episode about children would cover this specifically

He has to justify his behaviour so he will place all the blame on you. My exH did the same when he left me. It is the normal behaviour of someone who has had an affair and is leaving their marriage. Ignore everything he says.