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Original poster

Men and daughters

30 replies

Livelifelaughter · 16/07/2023 19:36

So, I felt my last relationship suffered because of ex struggled to manage his relationship with me and his daughters. He didn't want to tell them he was seeing someone because one, aged 24 made it clear that she didn't want to know. To me it felt like it tainted things, if she called while we were together he would pretend he was on his own. If he told her what he did at the weekend he wouldn't say who with. He didn't like me visiting him when she was at home (she lives near by) in case we were seen. He didn't see me for 5 days over Christmas and only called when they were out (we live 6 miles apart). It sort of took the shine off things.
I have started seeing someone new, he also has two daughters, adults too. It's very early days but he cancelled meeting up an hour or so before, because his daughters wanted to pop over for dinner.
I am quite sensitive to this issue, I don't expect to meet them or anything and I accept the daughters are a priority at important things but it's this casual dis regard for me. The answer seems to be dont date men with daughters....any thoughts.

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 16/07/2023 19:45

The first one is nothing to do with daughters. He was hiding you from other people. Did you meet his friends? Go to pubs, restaurants, etc? It was solely a him problem, not a father problem.

The second one...you don't say how long you've been with him or how often he sees his children.

Reugny · 16/07/2023 19:47

Have you met any this second ones other family or friends?

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 16/07/2023 20:00

INeedAnotherName · 16/07/2023 19:45

The first one is nothing to do with daughters. He was hiding you from other people. Did you meet his friends? Go to pubs, restaurants, etc? It was solely a him problem, not a father problem.

The second one...you don't say how long you've been with him or how often he sees his children.

Yes I had met the first one's friends and we went out a lot. But I agree he didn't manage the situation well at all, I would hear all about her, her life etc and she didn't even know I existed.
The second one, he seems to see his adult daughters weekly and has had a week's holiday with them last month, they live a few miles away. As I said it's very early days just a few weeks. I am just wary of getting into another situation as before. If his daughter lived abroad or far and called randomly to meet him even though we had plans I would be fine with that but he sees them all the time...

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 16/07/2023 20:00

Reugny · 16/07/2023 19:47

Have you met any this second ones other family or friends?

No, but it's really early days and that's fine for me..

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SgtPercyTwentyman · 16/07/2023 22:05

I think this is quite common with daughters. My DM and her sister (my aunt) were a poisonous as hell to my Grandfather's second wife. We all lived in the same village but she never came to our house or my aunt's house once. She was a widow before marrying granddad and a perfectly nice woman.

My DF advised me (I was a teen at the time) to stay well out of it and never tell DM if I visited granddad.

Why DM and aunt took this attitude I simply do not know.

Shapemyeyebrows · 16/07/2023 22:21

@Livelifelaughter I completely understand your views on this. I also previously dated someone with an adult daughter and it was tough. He also had a son who was absolutely fine, no issues, but when it came to the daughter, it was weird. If we had plans and she rang saying she was bored, he would drop our plans. He felt like he always had to invite her with us everywhere. I never knew where I stood with her as she was a mixture of rude to me but then also nice at times. She just hated sharing her dad with me. And he would pander to her. I’ve heard so many stories like this when it comes to adult step daughters and dads.

Opentooffers · 16/07/2023 22:26

You put up with way too much the first time, but got out eventually. You are in danger maybe of doing the same. He's had his 1 chance, so no more. We are talking adult DC here, the plan was set with you first, so it can be expected that it takes precedent over a casual last-minute nip over for food, especially when he sees them regularly. His excuse is too weak for cancelling an hour or 2 before a date so make sure he understands that you won't be impressed if it happens again. If he doesn't like that, you have your answer and are better off without him.

Shapemyeyebrows · 16/07/2023 22:29

With your new partner cancelling on you, that would make me worry. I just don’t understand that mindset, as it disrespects you and also teaches the adult daughter to be entitled. He should have said to her “sorry I have plans tonight but I can see you tomorrow”.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 17/07/2023 08:22

Shapemyeyebrows · 16/07/2023 22:21

@Livelifelaughter I completely understand your views on this. I also previously dated someone with an adult daughter and it was tough. He also had a son who was absolutely fine, no issues, but when it came to the daughter, it was weird. If we had plans and she rang saying she was bored, he would drop our plans. He felt like he always had to invite her with us everywhere. I never knew where I stood with her as she was a mixture of rude to me but then also nice at times. She just hated sharing her dad with me. And he would pander to her. I’ve heard so many stories like this when it comes to adult step daughters and dads.

Yes there's this element of pandering. Honestly, I am not going through this crap again. Also why do they think it's okay?. it's like there's some subconscious stuff going on.

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Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 17/07/2023 08:25

Shapemyeyebrows · 16/07/2023 22:29

With your new partner cancelling on you, that would make me worry. I just don’t understand that mindset, as it disrespects you and also teaches the adult daughter to be entitled. He should have said to her “sorry I have plans tonight but I can see you tomorrow”.

Well she wouldn't know...but your point is valid. My dad and I are super close but I could always easily say to him that I couldn't see him. I feel sometimes with wealthy successful men they like the glam factor of being in a fancy restaurant with their young daughter...sign of success.

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Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 17/07/2023 08:26

Opentooffers · 16/07/2023 22:26

You put up with way too much the first time, but got out eventually. You are in danger maybe of doing the same. He's had his 1 chance, so no more. We are talking adult DC here, the plan was set with you first, so it can be expected that it takes precedent over a casual last-minute nip over for food, especially when he sees them regularly. His excuse is too weak for cancelling an hour or 2 before a date so make sure he understands that you won't be impressed if it happens again. If he doesn't like that, you have your answer and are better off without him.

Thank you. I don't have children so sometimes (as in always) I think I am the one being unreasonable because I don't understand that relationship...

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Shapemyeyebrows · 17/07/2023 08:35

@Livelifelaughter I don’t understand why some men think this is ok either. It so common though and it was only the other week I was talking to someone at work who was having this very same issue. I would raise your concerns with him, gauge his response and go from there. Set your boundaries now and if he ignores them then just accept you have different boundaries and end things. If my mum had plans with her partner and I wanted to come round she would just tell me she was already going out. And I would accept that. I wouldn’t dream of thinking she should cancel plans just because I wanted to come round on a whim. If I’m upset or it was an emergency that’s obviously different. But I don’t think it would be healthy for my mum to be cancelling her own plans or healthy for me to expect my mum to be at my back and call. She needs her own life and I’m an adult. Like you, I wouldn't consider getting involved again with someone who had the same dynamic as my ex did with their adult daughter. So I don’t blame you for being wary, you just need to talk to him to figure out if this was a one off or if his mindset is that you will be dropped anytime his daughter decides she wants to come round.

PaintedEgg · 17/07/2023 08:41

neither behaviour is ok and I think your ex went overboard. I seriously doubt that his daughter literally expected him to physically hide you when she comes around rather than simply not wanting to get involved in her dad's dating life (we don't know the history, she may have had a genuine reason to want to stay at arm's length).

and no, its absolutely not ok to cancel last minute because someone else wants to come over. He simply wanted to spend time with them instead - next time he will cancel because his mate will invite him to a pub.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 17/07/2023 08:55

PaintedEgg · 17/07/2023 08:41

neither behaviour is ok and I think your ex went overboard. I seriously doubt that his daughter literally expected him to physically hide you when she comes around rather than simply not wanting to get involved in her dad's dating life (we don't know the history, she may have had a genuine reason to want to stay at arm's length).

and no, its absolutely not ok to cancel last minute because someone else wants to come over. He simply wanted to spend time with them instead - next time he will cancel because his mate will invite him to a pub.

Oh the ex had two daughters one was perfectly reasonable the other (older).was so manipulative I think even he appreciated that towards the end. She knew fully well he was seeing someone and then started to ramp up wanting to see him on Saturday night or first thing in the morning or best of all on Valentine's...

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Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 17/07/2023 08:57

Painted egg... that's a good point, he seems to think his daughter has a special status in my life rather than his. If she was ill or upset about something important that would be understandable...

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80s · 17/07/2023 09:07

he cancelled meeting up an hour or so before, because his daughters wanted to pop over for dinner
I also don't see why this is especially about daughters. I'd personally see this as a dud date, and drop him without further ado, if as you say it's very early on. Cancelling an hour before without a good reason is simply rude. If you met him on a dating app and he is still on it, I'd also have a slight suspicion that another date might actually have come up.

My dp has a 13yo daughter 50/50 and I expect him to put her before me in an emergency (wouldn't respect a shit dad). But he's never cancelled on me without good reason, is always apologetic if he does have to reschedule, and always makes me feel like he wants to spend time with me.

I have my own adult children, and we both have some time at Christmas when we are with our children and don't see each other. That obviously works out better if both parties have children.

PaintedEgg · 17/07/2023 09:11

Freud would have had fun analysing your ex'a relationship with his daughter...ugh. Good on your for existing this mess.

as for this new guy...I'd drop him. In early days people are generally most excited for dates, if he cancel for any reason that does not equal emergency then he obviously is not that interested

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 17/07/2023 09:13

PaintedEgg · 17/07/2023 09:11

Freud would have had fun analysing your ex'a relationship with his daughter...ugh. Good on your for existing this mess.

as for this new guy...I'd drop him. In early days people are generally most excited for dates, if he cancel for any reason that does not equal emergency then he obviously is not that interested

Agreed ! Thank you

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PaintedEgg · 17/07/2023 09:18

I don't know what happened with my autocorrect there! I meant to say "good on you for exiting this mess"

Moredrama · 17/07/2023 10:31

Opentooffers · 16/07/2023 22:26

You put up with way too much the first time, but got out eventually. You are in danger maybe of doing the same. He's had his 1 chance, so no more. We are talking adult DC here, the plan was set with you first, so it can be expected that it takes precedent over a casual last-minute nip over for food, especially when he sees them regularly. His excuse is too weak for cancelling an hour or 2 before a date so make sure he understands that you won't be impressed if it happens again. If he doesn't like that, you have your answer and are better off without him.

This!
We are talking adults here, not children. It’s not like he had to cancel because of childcare, it’s not okay.
It’s not all dads and daughters, just some.
My dad and I are very close (daddies girl), yes it was hard when he met my stepmum but not once did I expect him to make life all about me and disregard her whenever I wanted attention, and nor would he have.
In contrast, the issues I’ve had with DH and his DD, because they have a different approach. She is extremely jealous of his attention towards me and has caused a few issues, and DH struggles to deal with it; he is getting better at it though.

Tell your DP that if another incident occurs like that you’ll take it as disrespect and lack of interest and that will be the end.
You’ve already had a long and painful taste of how bad things can be. You deserve more than to go through that again

Marineboy67 · 17/07/2023 11:04

It sounds like she really needs to start growing and he needs to start being a bit more assertive and not playing up to her wants & needs. A time comes when he has to be allowed to have a life. I'm actively involved in all my 3 daughters life's however they want me to be happy and have never intervened in any of my relationships. That said if they need support or help with anything be it practical, emotional or financial I do my best to help them. He has to bring about the change and balance being in a relationship and a father at the same time.

Secretboringsister · 17/07/2023 11:13

Same situation with an ex and his 3 adult daughters who interestingly also treated him like crap until they wanted something and then he would drop everything to run off and fulfil their every crazy need, desire or ask. The youngest hadn’t even spoken to him in 2 years and he built his whole identity around being “Dad”.

weird and creepy

INeedAnotherName · 17/07/2023 11:25

The second one, he seems to see his adult daughters weekly and has had a week's holiday with them last month, they live a few miles away.

Oh....that's not a good sign. I would throw this one back as he doesn't seem that interested in you (sorry). He should have been excited to see you. Be grateful this situation happened early on and you saw it.

INeedAnotherName · 17/07/2023 11:30

That didn't sound right. I didn't mean being grateful that you've been hurt in a previous relationship so you can see a possible problem early on in a new relationship , I meant thank goodness you've seen it iyswim.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 17/07/2023 11:33

INeedAnotherName · 17/07/2023 11:30

That didn't sound right. I didn't mean being grateful that you've been hurt in a previous relationship so you can see a possible problem early on in a new relationship , I meant thank goodness you've seen it iyswim.

Thank you, I understood what you meant 😊

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