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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This has rung alarm bells... am I over-thinking or was my DP up to to no good?

54 replies

Randomer71 · 16/07/2023 15:49

DP and I have been together nearly five years and in that time I've never had the slightest reason to think he's been anything other than completely faithful to me. I trust him more than anyone I've ever been with. Our relationship is generally very good. I know all of his friends, he's incredibly open and transparent about everything and never hides his phone or behaves in a shady way.

He went out on Friday night without me for a reunion of a number of old friends, some of whom he hasn't seen for years.

He came over last night and, in the course of talking about the evening he told me one particular woman in the club he was in was very rude to him because she had got the impression he was trying to pick her up. I pressed him on this because I thought it sounded odd and I wanted to know what he'd done. He claimed not to be able to remember either what he did to merit the reaction (and he was by his own admission quite drunk) or what her reaction was, just that she was "very rude".

I find the whole thing fairly bizarre: it almost felt like he was trying to give me a sanitised version of what happened upfront in case someone else told me what he'd done first and I found it very strange that he had volunteered this information to me. On the other hand there were several people there who I know pretty well and if he had really embarrassed himself or made a blatant pass at someone I feel fairly sure someone will tell me and no one has. It's very unlike DP to do anything like this: he's absolutely not the sort of bloke who would usually try to pick up women in a bar or club (even when single). So it would be out of character for him to chat someone up, even if he wasn't with me.

I'm strangely unsettled by this in a way I can't quite put my finger on and feel inexplicably like I can't trust him, suddenly, for the first time ever. But I may be completely over-reacting. Should I call time on the relationship? Should I probe further or ask one of his friends? Or am I just overthinking?

OP posts:
RenegadeMasterx · 16/07/2023 15:52

Sounds totally innocent and does sound like an overreaction. You're actually considering ending the relationship? 😬

Randomer71 · 16/07/2023 15:53

RenegadeMasterx · 16/07/2023 15:52

Sounds totally innocent and does sound like an overreaction. You're actually considering ending the relationship? 😬

If it sounds like an overreaction that's reassuring. I have complete zero tolerance for infidelity and I do tend to be a bit hair trigger about this. I've literally never had reason for this to cross my mind until now so possibly not being very rational about this.

OP posts:
Randomer71 · 16/07/2023 16:11

Bump. Any other perspectives? I'm quite concerned about this but may be being very irrational.

OP posts:
Spanky123 · 16/07/2023 16:13

Sounds like a normal night on the beers and clubbing!

RaidFlySpray · 16/07/2023 16:16

It's weird that he says she overreacted but he can't remember what he did- how does he know she overreacted then?! Also, I think the normal reaction to this would be for him to be gutted that she misunderstood and very very apologetic and embarrassed, not to pin the blame on her.

I'm not saying he did try it on OP, just that he must have been steaming drunk and possibly a bit of a prick. Is he very different when he's drunk?

IamThegreaterMole · 16/07/2023 16:16

I think you are overthinking. Definitely don’t ask his friends, there’s no need to drag them into it.

Randomer71 · 16/07/2023 16:19

RaidFlySpray · 16/07/2023 16:16

It's weird that he says she overreacted but he can't remember what he did- how does he know she overreacted then?! Also, I think the normal reaction to this would be for him to be gutted that she misunderstood and very very apologetic and embarrassed, not to pin the blame on her.

I'm not saying he did try it on OP, just that he must have been steaming drunk and possibly a bit of a prick. Is he very different when he's drunk?

This is the thing that worries me. It's the fact that he apparently can't remember either what he did or what she said. Literally one night after it supposedly happened. Ordinarily I would give him credit for the honesty but there's clearly something he's either playing down or not mentioning.

He's never a prick. He does get quite gregarious and boisterous when he's drunk.

OP posts:
toochesterdraws · 16/07/2023 16:21

I suspect that this woman came on to him, got the brush-off, she took it badly and then had a go at him. Some women really don't like being turned down when they've offered themselves up on a plate.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 16:26

toochesterdraws · 16/07/2023 16:21

I suspect that this woman came on to him, got the brush-off, she took it badly and then had a go at him. Some women really don't like being turned down when they've offered themselves up on a plate.

I don't think he'd mention it.

I think there may have been something he'll worry will surface. Maybe he pinched her bum or something and she told him off.

You'll never know though so if it a total one off I'd let him go but pre warn him
Before any more boozy nights out to be careful

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 16:27

Let *it go

AutumnCrow · 16/07/2023 16:31

Randomer71 · 16/07/2023 16:19

This is the thing that worries me. It's the fact that he apparently can't remember either what he did or what she said. Literally one night after it supposedly happened. Ordinarily I would give him credit for the honesty but there's clearly something he's either playing down or not mentioning.

He's never a prick. He does get quite gregarious and boisterous when he's drunk.

You could ask him why he told you the story. Ask him what purpose telling you that story was supposed to serve. Do it deadpan. Don't fill in the gaps.

(Tbh if I told that kind of story to DP it would be pretty obvious I was doing it in a 'this annoyed me, can I have some sympathy with my chips please, DP?' kind of a way.)

DarkForces · 16/07/2023 16:34

He's your partner of five years. You say you trust him but you clearly don't if you hold him up for judgement by random strangers over a bit of an odd comment.

I mean this kindly as he sounds like a great partner to you and I think you'll regret acting hastily.

Have you been really hurt in the past? I think this has triggered something subconsciously. I'd want to explore my reaction more deeply as really deeply trusting someone is a choice.

I'd actually encourage a couple more nights out. If he's a cheater it'll become clearer and hopefully it'll make your confidence in him regrow.

Good luck

Oceanus · 16/07/2023 16:40

or made a blatant pass at someone I feel fairly sure someone will tell me and no one has
Don't be so sure... They'll come on MN, ask and be told by most to mind their own business.

Randomer71 · 16/07/2023 16:41

DarkForces · 16/07/2023 16:34

He's your partner of five years. You say you trust him but you clearly don't if you hold him up for judgement by random strangers over a bit of an odd comment.

I mean this kindly as he sounds like a great partner to you and I think you'll regret acting hastily.

Have you been really hurt in the past? I think this has triggered something subconsciously. I'd want to explore my reaction more deeply as really deeply trusting someone is a choice.

I'd actually encourage a couple more nights out. If he's a cheater it'll become clearer and hopefully it'll make your confidence in him regrow.

Good luck

I'm not saying that I now definitively don't trust him. I just find his explanation of this situation very odd. I just feel like if something like that had happened to me in a club I wouldn't have told him about it and it almost felt like he was trying to get a justification in as early as possible.

On the other hand he is ND and prone to very long, detailed (and dare I say sometimes quite boring) blow by blow accounts of events and conversations to other people who weren't there. He does routinely give me very detailed accounts of conversations he's had with people and I sometimes wonder why he's shared that level of detail.

I just found the combination of him bringing it up and then apparently not having a clear memory of what actually happened a bit suss.

I have been cheated on in the past, yes, and I'm extremely hardline about it: have told my DP before that its one strike and you're out. And as I say he has never given me the slightest reason for me to doubt my trust until now.

Was just a very odd reaction that it elicited in me and it worried me.

OP posts:
Kinneddar · 16/07/2023 16:44

You say on one hand you trust him but in the next breath you're considering ending a 5 year relationship over what's probably nothing.

I think you're over thinking and over reacting

Randomer71 · 16/07/2023 16:55

Kinneddar · 16/07/2023 16:44

You say on one hand you trust him but in the next breath you're considering ending a 5 year relationship over what's probably nothing.

I think you're over thinking and over reacting

Thanks. It's genuinely helpful to be told I am probably over-reacting. I sometimes don't trust my own reactions to these scenarios.

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 16/07/2023 16:56

Kinneddar · 16/07/2023 16:44

You say on one hand you trust him but in the next breath you're considering ending a 5 year relationship over what's probably nothing.

I think you're over thinking and over reacting

Totally agree with this analysis.

thecatinthetwat · 16/07/2023 17:03

I actually would consider asking friends about it if it didn’t add up. I would be concerned that he’s harrasssd a women in a club and can’t remember how or what he said/did but doesn’t seem worried or embarrassed about it.

mindutopia · 16/07/2023 17:07

I don’t think, all other things being fine, it sounds like anything to worry about either.

Once early in our relationship Dh got to talking with a guy in the loo at a bar. We were both new to this city and this guy was too. Dh is overly friendly with everyone to a fault and somehow by the end of the evening, he and this guy ended up exchanging numbers. Dh was pleased with himself that he’d made a potential new friend. 😂

I laughed so hard the next morning when he told me this story. What followed was 2 months of this guy chasing Dh for a hook up and taking it very badly each time he was rejected. I finally had to get involved and explain that no Dh really isn’t gay, because Dh would have just carried on trying to be friends forever because he is so afraid of conflict that he couldn’t actually tell this guy to leave him alone. 😂😂

Randomer71 · 16/07/2023 17:25

thecatinthetwat · 16/07/2023 17:03

I actually would consider asking friends about it if it didn’t add up. I would be concerned that he’s harrasssd a women in a club and can’t remember how or what he said/did but doesn’t seem worried or embarrassed about it.

Yeah perhaps I'll gently ask one of the women in his friendship group.

It would be extremely out of character for DP to come on really heavy with a woman in any circumstance. But he was quite drunk.

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 16/07/2023 17:35

I would ask another woman in the friendship group. Base it along the lines that DP thinks he offended the other woman but can't remember how. Does he need reminding so he can apologise properly or was it a drunken misunderstanding. I would look at her reaction.

It's weird how he brought it up when he can't remember it. That screams he did something, maybe he pinched her bum or whispered how much he fancied her, rather than actually cheating. You need answers, proper ones.

Randomer71 · 16/07/2023 17:40

It's weird how he brought it up when he can't remember it. That screams he did something, maybe he pinched her bum or whispered how much he fancied her, rather than actually cheating. You need answers, proper ones.

Exactly. It feels like he's hiding something.

OP posts:
SophieSticated · 16/07/2023 17:47

Could have been a misunderstanding or someone misheard something. Maybe it was something like he complemented her on something, out of making conversation and being nice and she took it the wrong way. If it was something along those lines, I don’t think he would necessarily be able to recall the complement or anything else about the beginning of the conversation because he’d been drinking, but he would remember her being rude. I think misunderstandings like this happen quite easily when people are drinking and the music is loud. It can hinder coherent conversation. I imagine if it was something along those lines then it would’ve made him feel bad which is why he mentioned it to you. I wouldn’t allow this to diminish your faith in him.

ILoveCreamCrackersMe · 16/07/2023 17:55

I don't understand the point of posting on here with an issue/non-issue like the OP's

You'll get everything from 'it's nothing I'd even register let alone get angry about' to 'I bet he finally completed Tinder last night, what an evil shallow bastard'

You're just gonna get riled up and go in guns blazing after being gradually stired into a seething rage on here.

It strikes me as you're pissed off about something and want to find justification so you can have it out with him guilt free. This isn't about trying to 'unpick and understand' your psyche, you're old enough to understand your own feelings. Rightly or wrongly you're pissed off, this place will do nothing help you 'resolve' any of this. Just have it out with him and save yourself the aggro.

GoodChat · 16/07/2023 18:00

IME, she was probably in a group off their faces and he looked at one of them the wrong way.