This has rung alarm bells... am I over-thinking or was my DP up to to no good?

[Randomer71]

DP and I have been together nearly five years and in that time I've never had the slightest reason to think he's been anything other than completely faithful to me. I trust him more than anyone I've ever been with. Our relationship is generally very good. I know all of his friends, he's incredibly open and transparent about everything and never hides his phone or behaves in a shady way.

He went out on Friday night without me for a reunion of a number of old friends, some of whom he hasn't seen for years.

He came over last night and, in the course of talking about the evening he told me one particular woman in the club he was in was very rude to him because she had got the impression he was trying to pick her up. I pressed him on this because I thought it sounded odd and I wanted to know what he'd done. He claimed not to be able to remember either what he did to merit the reaction (and he was by his own admission quite drunk) or what her reaction was, just that she was "very rude".

I find the whole thing fairly bizarre: it almost felt like he was trying to give me a sanitised version of what happened upfront in case someone else told me what he'd done first and I found it very strange that he had volunteered this information to me. On the other hand there were several people there who I know pretty well and if he had really embarrassed himself or made a blatant pass at someone I feel fairly sure someone will tell me and no one has. It's very unlike DP to do anything like this: he's absolutely not the sort of bloke who would usually try to pick up women in a bar or club (even when single). So it would be out of character for him to chat someone up, even if he wasn't with me.

I'm strangely unsettled by this in a way I can't quite put my finger on and feel inexplicably like I can't trust him, suddenly, for the first time ever. But I may be completely over-reacting. Should I call time on the relationship? Should I probe further or ask one of his friends? Or am I just overthinking?

It strikes me as you're pissed off about something and want to find justification so you can have it out with him guilt free. This isn't about trying to 'unpick and understand' your psyche, you're old enough to understand your own feelings. Rightly or wrongly you're pissed off, this place will do nothing help you 'resolve' any of this. Just have it out with him and save yourself the aggro.

You've genuinely got the wrong end of the stick here. I'm not looking for an excuse to "have it out with him". I've already had a conversation with him and I'm not looking to take it any further. I'm just trying to gauge other people's reactions to something which has unsettled me because I don't always trust my own responses.

I'm not otherwise pissed off with him about anything. I'm just taken aback by a) the story and b) my reaction to it. This is the safest I've ever felt in any relationship. I'm a big believer in trusting your instincts and for the first time in five years my instincts were screaming at me that something wasn't quite right. But I am prone to overthinking, hence trying to get reactions from third parties.

Or he just looked in their direction!
or probably even didn’t.
My DD says drunk women in clubs can be sooooo unreasonable

Perhaps this will prompt him to stop drinking so he can remember what is happening in his life.

Otherwise, if you like men who drink like this, you are overreacting. Seems like this just comes with the territory of drinking too much - we know not what we do...sorry, not sorry, says alcohol

Maybe he's clumsily told you because he knows your stance (which I agree with) and he's worried his relationship could end if someone incorrectly recalled last night to you.

You know if you trust him or not. Nothing we say matters. Good luck with it.

If he's ND I'd be very surprised if he randomly pinched someone's bum completely out of the blue. More likely he made an innocent factual comment that was taken completely the wrong way by her ie 'I like the colour of your lipstick' - by which he meant her lipstick was his favourite shade of red - but she thought it was a come on and then got seriously offended when he didn't want to snog it off her.
I wouldn't worry about this OP, talk to one of your mutual friends if it will make you feel better but it's probably a misunderstanding IMO.

Ironically he barely drinks other than when he goes out. He can drink a skinfull sometimes when he goes out but this is rarely more than a couple of times a year. His alcohol consumption has never been a problem (and I was married to an alcoholic in the past so I am highly sensitive to potentially problematic drinking).

I would also wonder why I was being told such a vague half story. I would worry that it was a story told in advance to prepare in case some other detail came to light. But it's not really enough to start quizzing his friends.
Just note that you have some doubts and don't talk yourself out of them, even if you don't do anything

I have to take a different view to most other posters. Trust your gut feeling - always. You usually trust yourself, yes? He was drunk in a nightclub. He told you half a boring and pointless story about some woman taking offence at him i a club, but says her can't remember the details. He told you this un-entertaining and disconcerting story for a reason - why did he? I would be wondering as well. Also, I would not expect anyone on the night out to say a word to you - no matter what he did.

Exactly. There’s nothing I can do now really because it’s not concrete enough to finish an otherwise good relationship over (I know I don’t need a “reason” to finish it but it would be very rash to finish an otherwise strong relationship because of doubts arising from a half story). But it has left me feeling very unsettled and uncomfortable. We had a nice day today, had a pub lunch etc and on the surface everything is fine but I still feel very shaken.

Can you ask him to talk you through it again? If he’s lying he might change the story a bit. If he’s telling the truth, it will be consistent with what he’s told you already. Also you can see if you get any more gut feelings when he’s talking you through it again.

I guess…. The thing is he will know I’m suspicious and will very likely cover anything up.

OP: you are sounding completely bonkers about this.

Well... maybe but I'm not alone am I? There are others on this thread who find this suspicious.

I think you're massively overreacting OP.

There are others on this thread who find this suspicious.

There are posters here who use threads like for sport.

Mmm, do you think he's getting in first with his side of the story?. That was my first impression on reading this. I'd ask the females who were there.

He remembers how she made him feel rather than what happened probably because to him there wasn't anything memorable. You say he's gregarious and NT, so could someone have felt lead on 🤷‍♀️

If it's been an open and honest relationship for five years aside from this, then I think you're overthinking it. It sounds as if he was slightly discomfited by this experience/encounter that he can only recall hazily. He shared it with you openly. It really doesn't sound that big of a deal, as a one off and after what sounds like a good relationship. But I do understand that others' past misdemeanours make our eyes narrow in suspicion.

I think you need to consider the whole context. Your DH, boisterous and sociable when drunk. Your DH, ND. He is likely not to have fully understood the encounter, and in being puzzled, doesn’t really know how to explain it to you.

And what , really, could possibly have happened?

You have gone from an awkwardly recounted conversation about an ill-understood encounter and seriously put ending your marriage on the list of options.

Even if other posters (before the important drip feed about your DH) found the conversation not quite resolved, that does not make grounds for ending a long stable happy relationship.

OK, I was rude to say bonkers, but honestly it is more than an over reaction, and it is a risk to your own happiness and a disservice to your DH to make so much of something which is no more than mildly baffling.

I hope you are able to chat calmly with your DH and put your mind at rest.

Trust your gut feeling - always.

And does this advice hold for those men who are constantly monitoring their wives and accusing them of being unfaithful? Putting up CCTV in the house, tags hidden in the car, key stroke software on their computers? Because the ‘know’ in their gut that the woman is flirting / consorting with men etc etc?

Where does ‘women’s intuition’ end and dangerous insecurity and jealousy begin?

One of the reasons I don't go to nightclubs any more is the presence of drunk abusive people. It's more like a gladiatorial arena than a place to enjoy yourself. The usual social choreography that exists in the home or the workplace is suspended. Sounds like a relatively commonplace experience to me. If he doesn't go in these sorts of places very often it's not surprising he finds it puzzling.

We're not married. We don't even live together.

I do take your broader point though and I understand that I have probably over-reacted.

Sometimes things happen that shake a previously strongly held confidence in a person and this is very much how I felt about this incident: that it showed a side of my DP which I hadn't previously seen. No one is perfect and even in the best relationships there will be moments when you question your faith in someone. But it was just quite shocking to me as I hadn't previously ever had cause to worry about what he does when he's out without me. It literally hadn't ever crossed my mind before this.

The consensus does seem to be that this is unlikely to be anything super shady and I'm fairly sure I'm not going to get any more out of him on this point without an argument so I'm just going to let this one go and keep an eye open.

Thanks all.

Where does ‘women’s intuition’ end and dangerous insecurity and jealousy begin?

I agree about this as well: people are very quick to say "trust your gut" but your "gut" can just be mad paranoia or bad PMT and a general feeling of malaise. I've definitely been prone to attributing the worst possible motives to people in the past in the name of "listening to my gut".

Obviously its unwise to ignore a trail of evidence that points to bad behaviour but it is certainly possible to over-interpret events like this.

Trusting your 'gut' is not the right course if you have been cheated on in the past and a pre-disposed to anxiety/overthinking.
Your instinct becomes very 'blurred' in consequence of any emotional trauma. Matthew Hussey has a really good video on this - exactly why NOT to 'trust your gut'.
I would assume trust, and believe he has your best interests at heart by telling you. He probably does and has never given you a reason not to trust him.

I’m always suspicious when people say that they can’t remember things that have happened very recently. OTOH, your dp is ND, and he may react differently to certain events, and he may communicate about them differently. Only you can tell.