Do I even say anything?!

[dalmation4046]

So my partner has a work phone, I was cleaning up yesterday and had to move it...curiosity got the better of me (I know, I know!) And I looked on it. There's a girl in his team, I know he's messaged her on WhatsApp before about work (cos he's told me) yet there's no WhatsApp thread between them meaning he's deleted it...why? What would be the point? Then I checked call logs....on my birthday last week he called her and they spoke for 20minutes. We'd had a little argument before I left for work that day and he was working from home, I finished work and he usually calls me while I walk home....he didn't call and I assumed it was because he was in a meeting or because of the argument we'd had. Now I can see that he was actually on the phone to her at that exact time. I don't know why but that makes me feel some kind of way!? Maybe they were talking about something work related but he didn't mention speaking to her and since that day we've literally had a conversation where he was saying he rarely speaks to the others in his team as he's the least popular and he said the words "I've only spoken to ** once before when she called me".. Do I say anything and risk an argument, plus having to admit I snooped. Or is this just one of them things to let go?

Sorry for no paragraphs...stupid app!

What do you want to achieve, chances are he will cover up or bend the truth and then your back with no new intelligence

That's what I mean..I don't know if it's worth saying anything because he will no doubt have an excuse but it's really playing on my mind. It's something about him talking to her on my birthday at the exact time he'd usually call me and talk while I walk the school run.

So u checked ur husbands work phone and wondering whether you should be worried he rang ( or was rung on) a work colleague on it ( who happens to be female) when u think he should be ringing u?

The disappearing WhatsApp, perhaps she deleted it, perhaps it's set to delete automatically, perhaps it's a change of account, perhaps it's a change of number etc etc.

Without some back story, why are u checking his phone???

I would wait as you need more intel before anything else

What on Earth?! Say something…about what? What would you even say?

He's betrayed trust before, over a year ago..and I've moved on from that but I do feel on high alert for the next thing to hurt me. So I know it's my issues and I know I shouldn't have looked. He is in a team of people, but they rarely need to call each other as they work solo but have team WhatsApp groups etc. It's out of the norm for them to call each other, let alone be on the phone for 20monutes...strangely ending the call about 4 minutes before I'm due home. Flame me all you want for being a bit sus?! He has WhatsApps on that phone dating back over a year ago so no chance of the phone auto deleting. Maybe I'm crazy.

Maybe ask why he's deleting message threads between him and the most attractive girl in his team who he literally apparently never talks to...yet seems to speak to her for twenty minutes?

Seek and ye shall find.

Work on improving your self esteem and keeping your relationship fresh and alive dow both of you.

I'd wait and watch.

He's done it before so he has form O.P. You have every right to be suspicious. l wouldn't say anything yet as you will forewarn him, but l would be keeping a very close eye on things.

Deleting the whatsapp chat is suspicious.

I’d keep an eye out and if you see anything else take pics with your own phone

This honestly sounds crazy to me. If someone asked me anything like this, we would be done.

If you can’t trust him, then end the relationship. This is no way to live.

I think as a wife you instinctively know when something is up and obviously you know something isn’t right. You don’t have enough to go off at the moment, I gathered evidence over a long time before I actually got solid evidence of cheating then we were done. It’s horrible but watch, and wait op.

He broke your trust before, you haven't moved on from that, and that's fine. It's why I always say I couldn't forgive infidelity because I know I'd be doing what you're doing a year later.
If DH had a twenty minute phone call with an attractive colleague I wouldn't think twice about it, because I trust him and have no reason not to.

Work on improving your self esteem and keeping your relationship fresh and alive dow both of you

Maybe when he comes home greet him at the door with a freshly made drink, take his coat while asking how his day went before serving his dinner, as well.

I personally wouldn’t be worried about this. And I certainly wouldn’t accuse him of anything. If your gut feeling is something is going on….. then you need more evidence before you say anything to him.

I’d watch and wait. And investigate!

Just to clarify, he didn't cheat on me last year. But there was a trust boundary breached & we spent alot of time working through it. We, 99% of the time, have a great relationship and most of me trusts him...but there's just a part of my gut that can't get my head around why you'd need to delete WhatsApp threads between yourself and someone of the opposite sex. Also, the fact that he "never calls her" but had a twenty minute natter with her on my birthday... the day we'd had an argument...instead of calling me? I think when you have a routine and that changes, it's weird, for example - every day when I finish work, he calls me..without fail I know within two mins of leaving work he will be calling. It's been like that since the start. So when he didn't call, and I assume it was because things were slightly awkward, but then find out it was cos he called her instead - that makes my Spidey senses tingle. Especially considering the call was ended only a few moments before he expected me home.

How do I watch and wait though, if he's deleting their messages? Also, I know I shouldn't have invaded his privacy....but I know if I had a work phone he'd have a nosey and I wouldn't care. For no reason other than...it's a work phone so nothing should be found on there anyway right? Apart from boring work messages. I don't go through his personal phone and wouldn't.

Does he have any other chats with other people On his watsapp with message that date back previous to the ones he has deleted with her 🤔
Personally I think you know your husband, relationship, routine and how he generally behaves better than anyone else here, so if something inside is niggling at you that something is off then I'd be going with my instinct. It may seem little to others that he never called you that day but I completely get what you mean when that has been the routine between the two of you for so long. At the same time life can get in the way and mean a last minute change to your routine, when you got home that say did he say ' oh sorry I didn't call like normal, I ended up stuck On a work call', or was any mention of the call to you not happening avoided?

There are WhatsApp chats going back to when he first got the phone, so I know he hasnt just had a clear out of old message threads. There seems no explanation other than she got a new phone number...but it's a work phone so if the phone broke they'd replace that, not the SIM/number. Even if she did get a new number that wouldn't automatically delete their messages..there's chats on there from people who don't work with him anymore and he hasn't removed their conversations. Thank you for understanding what I mean about the routine...no, there was no mention of why he didn't call which is why I'd just assumed maybe it was because we'd been in an argument that morning and it was slightly awkward. Or that he was in a work meeting. We made up pretty much instantly after I got in, I now wish I'd asked why he didn't call as usual 🤣

Just had a glance at mine and his texts from that day. His call log shows that he called her at 2:55..they spoke until 3:15. (I'm due back home about 3:20) He texts me at 3:15 saying 'not due back on work meeting til 3:30'. Which translated to me as he'd just finished a meeting, got a 15min break and due back on at 3:30. So he hadn't been in a work meeting, he'd been on the phone to her. Surely people see why this makes no sense?

Is it a fudge - ie technically it is a ‘work meeting’. So strictly speaking he’s not telling a lie… is there a possibility that they might have needed to discuss work?

Your DH calls you every afternoon. On your birthday he doesn't call you but calls a girl at work for 20 minutes ? He tells you he hardly ever calls people at work. It doss seem something is not right here.

Did he do anything special with/for your birthday besides pick a fight?

I doubt they'd have needed to discuss work because it wasn't an ordinary work day...it was all different meetings & webinars..death by PowerPoint kind of thing with some team meetings thrown in. Plus, since that day, we've had a conversation randomly about the fact that there's only two people in his team (not this girl) that ever bother to call him...he even said this particular girl has only called him once or twice before when nobody else was answering so he never talks to her. But failed to drop into the convo that he'd spoken to her on the phone for 20mins a few days previous.