Do I even say anything?!

[dalmation4046]

So my partner has a work phone, I was cleaning up yesterday and had to move it...curiosity got the better of me (I know, I know!) And I looked on it. There's a girl in his team, I know he's messaged her on WhatsApp before about work (cos he's told me) yet there's no WhatsApp thread between them meaning he's deleted it...why? What would be the point? Then I checked call logs....on my birthday last week he called her and they spoke for 20minutes. We'd had a little argument before I left for work that day and he was working from home, I finished work and he usually calls me while I walk home....he didn't call and I assumed it was because he was in a meeting or because of the argument we'd had. Now I can see that he was actually on the phone to her at that exact time. I don't know why but that makes me feel some kind of way!? Maybe they were talking about something work related but he didn't mention speaking to her and since that day we've literally had a conversation where he was saying he rarely speaks to the others in his team as he's the least popular and he said the words "I've only spoken to ** once before when she called me".. Do I say anything and risk an argument, plus having to admit I snooped. Or is this just one of them things to let go?

If you don't trust him, leave.

Literally no point putting either of you through it

Has he definitely deleted the chat with the work woman and not archived it? If it's archived you can still access it.

We had been away for a couple of days, so we had celebrated. The argument was actually started by me that morning...because he had woke me up, told me it was time to get up...got up himself went to the loo etc & hadn't even acknowledged my birthday until I said "just wondering when you're gonna say happy birthday" he got defensive cos he was tired and hadn't woken up yet, I hadn't given him a chance etc. It was silly in hindsight, but I think I just expected a big morning kiss and cuddle...It wasn't a huge row, I just went off to work a bit huffy. Probably a bit unconsciously miffed that he was working from home and I had to go to work on my birthday 🤣. When I got home from work he had made a reservation to go out for tea. He's a really lovely partner, and that's why I have to think carefully about if I want to raise this and potentially cause another argument, admit that I've breached his privacy etc. It could be nothing, I'm aware of that. I'm an overthinker by nature and I just think if I don't ask, I'm gonna keep thinking about it.

I think if you archive it, it shows at the top of your WhatsApp chats that you have archived messages...there's nothing there so I'm guessing it's deleted.

If everyone that didn't 100% trust their partner just left them...there wouldn't be many couples in my opinion. You only have to look on mumsnet to see that there are people that trust their partners 110% and get burnt because they were up to no good, and the ones that don't trust usually have good reason.

It only shows a number at the top to indicate chats in archive with unread messages. If all the messages have been read, you won’t see any indication at the top of how many archived chats there are.

No, there's nothing archived.

I think whether you tell him about looking at his phone is neither here nor there really, the main issue seems to be you don’t trust him and that’s what you should talk to him about and see if you are able to work through.

It wouldn’t necessarily: you have to double scroll before you can see that I have archived messages.

This makes no sense.

If you think people who don't trust their partners have good reason to not trust them in the main, why would you not just end the relationship?

What's the point in being with someone you don't trust?

I do mostly trust him though, I've worked really hard to rebuild it. I've been too trusting in previous relationships so I will always be cautious and I don't think that's a bad thing. It doesn't mean that just because I trust him, I shrug off anything that seems a bit strange though? I think even people who trust their partners fully still have to be open to the fact that they could one day hurt them? My heart believes that there will be nothing to all of this, but im also not stupid and know that anyone is capable of anything.

I agree with you on that. I think it's very naive of people to have full unwavering trust. But I also think that when you have seen things that give you cause to mistrust, you should act. It's pointless to stay in a situation where you feel mistrustful. As much as anything, it just makes you feel miserable.

In your case, I would be concerned too. It would be easy for me to say, "Maybe they had some issues at work that needed discussing," etc but you know your husband and things can't be looked at in isolation - the circumstances you describe do sound a bit suspicious and, as others have saod, you know him best. There is always a bigger picture.

I saw a picture on fb this morning that said life is too short to be anything other than someone's everything or words to that effect. And it's true

Do you think that people in healthy relationships do any of the following?

• Go through their partner’s phones.
• Check call logs.
• Require explanations as to why said partner has conversations with anyone (literally anyone).
• Think that ‘why did you speak to an attractive woman for x amount of time last week?’ is a rational question.

I’m in a healthy relationship and I can assure you that none of the above would even occur to me. You went through his phone, found nothing and have somehow still managed to work yourself into a state. You’ve then come on MN, where a very vocal minority or dialled to hysteria and paranoia about cheating at all points in time, so they can stoke the fire you’ve kindled.

Just…stop. That’s my advice. Stop this.

Do you know for certain that there even was a WhatsApp conversation to be deleted?

So you honestly wouldn't think it was strange that your partner calls you every day after you finish work...then on a day you've had an argument he doesn't call you...you later find out it was because he'd called a woman from work who he claims he never speaks to? And you see that he's deleted any evidence that they talk on WhatsApp. I'm sorry but this could definitely turn out to be innocent, I'm aware of that, but you can't tell me it wouldn't make you even a little suspicious? Yes I shouldn't have looked, and I regret doing it, but the fact is I did look and something feels weird. I only checked his call logs because he'd made a point last week of telling me he never speaks to this girl..which I know now is a lie. I don't make a habit out of looking so please don't make me out to be some crazy girlfriend who checks her boyfriends every move.

Yeah I've been sat with him before while he's been on his work WhatsApp and I've seen that she was on the list. That was a couple months ago mind

Christ. Good luck.

By "on the list", do you mean she is listed in his contacts? Have you actually seen a conversation that has now been deleted or do you mean she's been deleted from his contacts?

Good luck yourself.

I truly hope that you never have to look back at yourself and your "healthy relationship" wishing you had been less smug and patronizing. Pray you never have cause to be concerned about your marriage but if it happens, hope that no one kicks you when you're down.

Cultivate some empathy for your fellow humans.

I gave advice, she’s not taking it, I wished her luck. I’m good.

You, on the other hand, have given her no advice whatsoever and your sole comment on this thread has been to whinge at me. I’m sure OP has found your input incredibly helpful.

Cultivate actually contributing something useful to the conversation.

OP, Forget the 'if you can't trust your partner you shouldn't be in a realtionship' brigade.

Thats trotted out each and every time someone posts about something that doesn't make sense to them. Shortly followed by those in 'healthy relationships' that wouldn't dare think to question their partner about anything even if they were caught with their pants down in the middle of an orgy.

As far as i'm concerned a healthy relationship is not about blindly trusting another person. of course you trust them, until something makes you question something. I mean what idiot would go through life thinking no one would every betray their trust, ever? Oh yeah - those in 'healthy' relationships who never question a thing even if it was poking them in the face.

Anyway, when a partner does something out of the norm, when theres a distinct change in pattern around something and then you discover they may well have been doing something they say they haven't, any normal person is going to go, whoa, hold on a sec.

In your shoes OP, I would not say anything at the moment about the deleted chats. Maybe just bring up something about when did your meeting end on my bday - you didn't call, just casually, and see what he says he was doing instead of calling. I think that would answer alot of it for you.

And when someone does something that makes you pay attention, don't think its wrong at all to try and work out whats going on. Don't let this eat you up though as could be totally innocent. May have been deleted by accident, it does happen. I'd certainly though keep an eye out though to see if anythijng else doesn't make sense in the coming days/weeks.

How well do you know things about her? Any chance you could ask him to message her with a question/advice for something for you? I don't know if shes into a certain hobby, it wouldn't be odd for a work collegue to message and say their partner interested in said hobby and could they recommend xyz?

And then see if that thread gets deleted? or just left with no further or just normal work communication between them.

Dear God. Why are so many people paranoid and insecure!

They'd been in meetings all day, maybe they had a call to debrief or moan. Maybe something came up in the meetings that they needed to sort out.

However let's just tell you what you actually want to hear which is... they must be having an affair because she's the most beautiful person in his team and your partner is so irresistible and can't be trusted.

You forgot the part about their messages being deleted and the fact he said he was in a meeting and not on a call with this woman (who he has also said he never calls).

Jeez either ask him or shut up. You are too immature to be in a relationship and you either trust somebody or you don’t - there’s not really a halfway point! Really can’t believe people live their lives like this …