Sex Ultimatum

[PigeonOnTheWashingLine]

I've been with my wife (same sex) for 9 years, married for 7. We have two kids in early primary school. We both work full time - her mainly at home, me mainly in the office and split the childcare & chores pretty evenly although she generally does a bit more of the life admin and I do more of the practical stuff.

Pre-marrige everything was great. Loads of fun, conversation, affection and sex. However, everything changed once we got married. It was almost an overnight thing where she withdrew affection & sex. These days we rarely have sex. Months can go by without even the slightest whiff of intimacy - she just doesn't have any sort of drive for that kind of thing.

Over the years I've pretty much given up trying and it's crippling me. I almost can't bear to go to bed as I know she'll either "be asleep" or at best I might get a cuddle.

We've talked about it in the past and promises are made yet nothing ever changes. Any time I suggest we get a bit physical I get an excuse: I'm tired, it's too late, it's too early, the kids might come in, I'm on my period, I've got a headache, I've eaten too much, I'm thinking about work, it's not spontaneous enough, it's too spontaneous, I'm not in the mood and so-on. Even if I try a long run up like suggesting something at the weekend she gets more and more picky and grumpy with me as time goes by. She did it recently on my 40th. She made my birthday an absolute misery because when she asked what I wanted, I said it would be quite nice if we could try reconnecting. As it was I got a card, a packet of crisps from the shop & a day fluctuating between silent moodiness and picking at me for pointless things.

I love my wife and she says she loves me. I just can't keep going like this though. It's our anniversary coming up and the thought of an awkward day together fills me with dread. I really want the relationship to work but can't keep going on this way. I have needs that I've been squashing down all these years. I don't even masturbate any more to try and calm the urge.

I once suggested seeing other people to remove that pressure from our relationship but she got extremely angry.

I'm now considering divorce as a last resort because I simply cannot go on with her as she refuses to acknowlegde or engage with what I see as a massive problem in our relationship. I resent having to be in this position because my father buggered off when I was only a few years old and my wife has already preemptively given me the "you'd be just like your father" rant.

So there I am. I don't know what to do for the best of my relationship, children and own well being. I'd really appreciate your thoughts.

The thing that fundamentally differentiates marriage from a good friendship is the sex. I would either leave or get it outside of the marriage.

Hello everyone. Thank you all for your responses and I'm sorry it's been so long since I was last on here. I've had periods of feeling very down about the situation and how I've allowed myself to end up in this position.

I look back at myself a decade ago and I was bristling with self confidence and enthusiasm for life. Now I feel like a ground down shell, existing just so I can be here and provide for the children. I wake up and put on a mask to show everyone I'm alright. Aside from the time I spend with the children it feels like a facade. As much as I try, the veneer of normality sometimes slips (at work for example) and I retreat inside myself, going quiet and withdrawing to avoid people seeing that I'm struggling. This has resulted in some people pulling away from me which I understand - it must be quite difficult being around an occasional monosyllabic individual.

My wife was the one who carried the children - something I now bitterly regret because I wish I had been able to have the experience of life blossoming inside me. It's also something she beats me with - that I don't know how hard it was & the toll it took on her mentally and physically. She was adament that she was the one to carry them though. I used to be hyper fit so perhaps she didn't want to see stretch marks on me or something.

Our sex life has got worse - it's been 3 times since I first posted - each time it was me instigating and hands only. Once I said I'd like to give her oral and she nearly shot out of bed. Also, as soon as she'd cum she stopped and went to sleep, leaving me incredibly frustrated.

I'm working on things though. She'd been complaining that the house needs work so I've been doing considerable renovations. She thinks it's for "us" but I've got it in my head that it's for salability.

Good for you. It's clear the relationship is over, it's just a matter of time. You deserve the chance to have that kind of intimacy again. It's very confusing to me when one partner withdraws all intimacy but won't consider separating or opening the relationship. Surely one or the other is the only way forward.

I read/replied to this post all those months ago and thought I could have written it... From your most recent post, I could still have written it!

I really do get it. What many people (who aren't in this position) really don't get is that it's not the sex, it's the feeling of rejection that really hurts. Sex is a truly intimate, deep connection, and it is you opening up your heart fully. To be turned down frequently makes you feel truly unwanted, unattractive, and it absolutely destroys your confidence.

I'm in the same boat, and have been considering the same thing. This is more if a supportive hug. I wish I had advice... you deserve to feel desired.

Interesting reading the responses here.

I wonder what the responses would be if it was a male/female couple....

Man writing - 'Stop pressurising her, sex pest, do more around the house etc.....'
Female writing - 'blatantly cheating on you'

Good luck anyway, it's not nice being in a one-sided sexless relationship , unfortunately in my experience it rarely changes. She has got the marriage, kids and house, so she has what she wanted.

Personally, my view is exactly the same. I realise that women's sex drive can wane when they have young babies etc but I don't think it's ever ok to unilaterally insist on a sexless relationship without any communication or effort to fix it. So many people are terrified of opening the relationship but don't want to have sex themselves. It's short sighted and cruel.

The birthday present was mean of her. Does it sum up how she feels? There's nothing wrong with wanting more. What is the point of loving and desiring someone whose feelings aren't mutual? Good luck

Have you ever asked her why she suddenly stopped overnight after your marriage? In my eyes she conned you into marrying her under a false facade if she completely changed as soon as it was done.

You are allowed to leave a relationship for any reason. You sound unhappy, she isn't going to change so I think you'll both be happier if you separate.

Have you asked your wife what changed after the wedding? If she is able to communicate this with you then be prepared for possible outcomes, maybe there is a lot of stresses and pressures and she is tired a lot, especially parenting aswell as work, house etc, she may have had some health or body changes and she feels unsexy and it’s affecting her mood for sex and even kisses and cuddles (especially if kisses and cuddles get you wanting more and she knows this) it could be she felt a lack of something on your part (may not have been there, but if she felt it was) she may say any number of things, and you need to be prepared to listen, acknowledge her feelings, not take blame, but validate even if it’s something she says about you. This is all if communication is possible and you aren’t told she just doesn’t want to etc.

I know for a lot of women in relationships with men it’s things like, “he used to buy flowers, take me on dates, now he doesn’t, he’s at work all day, then just wants sex” I don’t know IF this differs with 2 women, I don’t know if this is valid to you at all with your wife, but the age old saying that foreplay isn’t just sexual, it’s an all day thing, the little flirty messages or looks at times earlier in the day. Stuff like that, still dating even once you are married.

i don’t know if any of this helps at all, I don’t want to come across insensitive about a relationship with 2 women, just because I’m a straight woman

Ah I’m sorry, this is shit. I’ve been in this exact position with my husband, it was soul destroying. For me it turned out he had ED and was afraid to not be able to get it up. He actually is now on medication for this and our sex life is back on track.

Sorry, this might not be helpful as it’s an entirely different kind of problem, perhaps your wife has body issues or something like that? In any case, she is not willing to make any effort to change things and I have to say that in your shoes, I think I would leave. I know that my own marriage was hanging on by a thread by the time my husband sorted treatment and medication.

Thankfully, the whole situation turned around, but I do not know where we would be if that hadn’t happened.

So much of any relationship is affected by sex, in so much as without it there is no bond or affection. I felt like I was starving for affection. Or it felt like I was on a diet but lying in bed next to a cream cake. As silly as that sounds my husband would sleep with his back to me because he didn’t want me to initiate any affection.

The difference for him once he knew that he would be able to get an erection was life changing. I suppose it’s difficult to know why your wife doesn’t want sex. Is it something physical or she just literally doesn’t want it ?

Have you sat her down and spelled out the seriousness of this? Even when my husband was failing at intimacy, he always said the right thing when we sat down to speak about it. It was obvious that he always wanted to fix it.

You’ve had sex 3 times in the last 10 months? And mediocre sex at that? Times time I think. That is, quite frankly, totally ridiculous.

I’m so sorry to read that you are experiencing this. I have posted on your thread before (today) and the only thing I wanted to add was that I also feel sex is very important in a relationship, frequency should depend on both partners. When I’ve gone off sex one time with my partner for more than just a week or so of being over tired due to kids and life it was due to me going through a couple of issues with my body, I had a bad smear test and needed cells removing, then months later when I started to feel feminine and sexy again I had an awful 3 month of period type bleeding. (Doctors couldn’t find a definite cause, after my own research I’ve decided my body hates me, might be peri menopause) then I had surgery to remove breast implants after one had popped, felt less of a woman, my poor bloke wasn’t bugging me, but like you he still wanted sex, he listened to me when we talked and eventually I got my mojo back.

as for the part you said about your wife insisted on carrying both children, you wonder if stretch marks would have put her off you, if this turns out to be the case then wow that is quite frankly appalling of her, I would have said in fairness you would have carried one each

My wife was the one who carried the children - something I now bitterly regret because I wish I had been able to have the experience of life blossoming inside me. It's also something she beats me with - that I don't know how hard it was & the toll it took on her mentally and physically.

It's possible that she sees her loss of libido as something you beat her with.

Our sex life has got worse - it's been 3 times since I first posted - each time it was me instigating and hands only. Once I said I'd like to give her oral and she nearly shot out of bed. Also, as soon as she'd cum she stopped and went to sleep, leaving me incredibly frustrated.

Of course it's going to get worse, she doesn't want to do it. What's the point in even going to the effort of trying to get her to have sex when you know it won't improve and you know she doesn't want it? It's not going to be pleasant for either of you.

I'm working on things though. She'd been complaining that the house needs work so I've been doing considerable renovations. She thinks it's for "us" but I've got it in my head that it's for salability.

This is the right thing to do, if it's been going on for 7 years then it's not going to change.

Fair enough though beating her with her lack of libido. OP hasn’t mentioned signing up for having sex 3 times in 10 months. I wouldn’t be happy with that and l have 2 quite young children. My husband wouldn’t be thrilled either

OP has been way more patient and understanding so far than l would be. There is a distinct vibe of her wife wanting everything “her way” e.g. insisting on carrying both children. Couldn’t they have done one each?

OP this relationship is done. It’s incredibly sad that you aren’t getting the marriage and relationship that you expected but sadder than that is what this has done to your self esteem, your self worth and your enjoyment of life. To the point it is causing you to lose connection with friends and colleagues.

It’s time to call it a day OP. You can’t continue like this, your wife doesn’t seem to give a shit she is slowly stripping you of your confidence and self esteem. It is not OK to force this upon someone, you’re entitled to more. She knows what she’s doing, refusing to admit she no longer wants a sexual relationship ensures that you are left in limbo, she won’t admit it because there is no coming back from that.

Time to go OP. Get everything in order and cut the strings. We don’t owe this to anyone, married or not, kids or not…. sacrificing yourself isn’t necessary

Well no she didn't 'sign up' for it but people can lose their libido or lose their libido for their partner for all sorts of reasons, and that doesn't mean they've done something wrong or they're the bad guy.

Not sure what you mean by the OP has been way more patient and understanding than you would have been....what does that mean in practical terms?
If you would have left then that's absolutely fine!
Or do you mean you would have pushed and pushed or made demands etc? because that doesn't tend to work in those situations ever. You can't negotiate desire or make someone want you sexually if they don't.

I agree with @EarthSight ’s post from a while back-she either doesn’t fancy you anymore or has lost her sex drive.

Having young children can definitely affect someone’s libido, you’re pretty knackered for a start! If she doesn’t fancy you anymore though, I’m not sure what you can do about it. Someone recommended couple counselling and that might be a good idea in this situation.

So sorry op. Fwiw, sex less than 10 times a year is deemed (at least by the definition I’ve seen) as a sexless relationship. It also doesn’t seem like she’s making any intimacy/affection in other areas - gifts, cuddles, holding hands, being kind etc.

I think you’re doing the right thing to prepare for the end of your marriage. At some point it might be useful to give an ultimatum of counselling or you walk, with a view to the counselling being either to repair the relationship or smooth the ending. I’d also stop initiating sex altogether just now, take all of the pressure off her (and you) and just accept that you’re people who live and coparent together. That might give you a clearer view of the way forward and possibly even change the dynamic somewhat - either way, what you’re both doing now isn’t working.

Is there any intimacy at all in your relationship? Kissing, hand holding, hugs, cuddling up together, laughter, inside jokes etc?

If yes, you might be able to come back from this if she's willing to talk, do couples therapy etc.

If not, then this relationship has been long dead.

@ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat - There is some intimacy. Occasionally when we're out we will hold hands and she does cuddle / lean on me on the sofa of an evening.

Whether or not it's savable is now irrelevant as I've discovered that she's got something going on with one of her colleagues. I don't know how long it's been happening or how far it's gone - could be as much as 3 years.

I found out the other day & she doesn't know that I know. Strangely, aside from the immediate sensation of betrayal which quickly subsided, I feel almost nothing about it. Perhaps I've just become quite good at putting on a show.

Anyway, this revelation although not massively surprising explains a lot. I'm going to keep it to myself until I've got a bit more cash in the bank and have the legal side all buttoned down.

Thanks everyone for putting up with my self absorbed moaning. Time to look for bright times ahead and take care of the kiddies.

Whats this thing she's got going on? Are we talking sexual??

It sounds like she checked out of the rship emotionally a long time ago.

You need to ask some really blunt and direct questions.

Ask her is she’s still attracted to you/sees you in that way or if this is a bigger issue to do with her confidence/health etc. sometimes the issue can be that you’ve not been intimate for so long that it because this huge terrifying things that is avoided at all costs.

But you basically need to ask her point blank if she loves you in that way anymore because if she doesn’t you’re wasting your time. If she says she does, this is something that can be worked on with couples therapy etc.

edited to add: Sorry OP I didn’t read your latest updated before posting. sorry to hear she’s been going behind your back.

I reckon some people do use sex to get want they want. It's as simple as that. Personally I don't think you need sex in a long term relationship. But to go from one extreme to the other could feel odd. I'd be more sad to loose intimacy and closeness (without sex). That can feel lonely. Some get enough love from their kids.

I’m really sorry to hear this. Keep your powder dry and keep sorting things behind the scenes.