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Original poster

He cares about me

35 replies

idontknowwhattothinkk · 16/07/2023 06:54

Hi, my brain is like mush at the moment. I have no one irl to talk to about this so I'm asking you all for clarity.

I'm a single parent, 2 DC. I have been seeing this guy for about 6 months, but knew him for about 2 years anyway from a hobby. My DC already knew him from the hobby too. We have been getting along really well, he would stay at mine when the DC were at their dads, we would go on days out together, go out for dinner, he helps me if something goes wrong, eg, my shower breaking, boiler going on the blink. He's been at mine twice when the DC have been here and played games with them and watched films with them.

We were texting last night about us and what we want, and he said he cares lot about me and the DC more than just a friend but don't know if there are any real feelings as he hasn't really thought about it like that. but is happy with how things are and seeing where they go.

I really like him. Am I wasting my time? He doesn't feel the same way I do does he? Can someone help me because my brain is going 100mph. Please don't be too harsh.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 16/07/2023 06:57

Caring is a real feeling - the same way as liking is a real feeling, you're just both using different words. His actions are all good, far more important than words. Relax!

PowerBMI · 16/07/2023 07:06

So you have been seeing each other for 6 months. Are sleeping together, you introduced your kids

and he hasn’t even thought about wether he has real feelings for you? Or if there’s a future? Sounds like he sees it as friend with benefits.

Casually saying is great. But getting kids involved with what sounds like a FWB situation is not. He really should have made that clear before he spent time with your kids.

You should have really had this conversation before introducing the kids too.

If you are happy with how things are keep seeing him. But don’t have him round the kids.

Original poster
idontknowwhattothinkk · 16/07/2023 07:50

He already knew the kids from a hobby. That's how I met him. He doesn't spend a lot of time with them, he only played games and watched a film when he came to help with my shower and boiler and stayed a bit longer.

He wants to come and talk this morning.

OP posts:
CharlotteSometimes1 · 16/07/2023 07:53

Have a think about what you want and hear him out. If you’re hopes and expectations don’t match then it’s time to look after yourself and walk away.

Hibiscrubbed · 16/07/2023 08:24

You’re wasting your time. You’re already down the road and he’s hesitating and saying things like “I don’t know if there are any real feelings…”

That’s a blow off by him. If you end it first you’ll probably find he magically finds some feelings, but they’ll just be a knee jerk reaction to losing the power.

PowerBMI · 16/07/2023 08:31

idontknowwhattothinkk · 16/07/2023 07:50

He already knew the kids from a hobby. That's how I met him. He doesn't spend a lot of time with them, he only played games and watched a film when he came to help with my shower and boiler and stayed a bit longer.

He wants to come and talk this morning.

But that’s very different to spending time with them in your home or away from the hobby. I appreciate it’s not often, but that’s not the point. It’s a huge step.

It’s absolutely irresponsible of him to have done that when he hasn’t even thought about what he really feels for you or the relationship.

That alone would put me off. That he didn’t really understand what a big deal it would be to change the nature the children’s interactions with him. I think it’s horrific selfish.

This whole ‘the kids think he is just a friend’ doesn’t convinced most kids, even young ones. They recognise there’s been a change in the set up. This man they knew from a hobby is now spending time with them as a small family group.

samestyle · 16/07/2023 08:39

He's a big part of your life for someone that just likes you. I couldn't be with someone that was less enthusiastic than I was.

magdamaple · 16/07/2023 08:45

samestyle · 16/07/2023 08:39

He's a big part of your life for someone that just likes you. I couldn't be with someone that was less enthusiastic than I was.

Agree with this.

Time to move on.

Seaoftroubles · 16/07/2023 08:45

OP unless it has genuinely just been friendship based so far then it does look like you are wasting your time re a relationship. Has there been intimacy between you as you say he's been staying over? lf so then it's very unfair of him to get so involved with your kids at this stage if he doesn't have future plans with you, and very unwise to have invited him into your family set up.

daisychain01 · 16/07/2023 08:51

He was fine playing happy families until you wanted to talk specifics about the longer term. Then he starts furiously back pedalling.

He'd better come up with something stunningly convincing when you have your chat with him otherwise seriously think about giving him the Big E before he really messes with your feelings and upsets the children.

Original poster
idontknowwhattothinkk · 16/07/2023 08:55

Yes there's been intimacy, and he only stays when the children are not here. I get it was stupid on my part to let him come over to help when they were here. I just thought he felt the same because of the way he treats me and the effort he made

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 16/07/2023 08:55

He's saying no. Don't waste any more time on him.

PowerBMI · 16/07/2023 09:00

idontknowwhattothinkk · 16/07/2023 08:55

Yes there's been intimacy, and he only stays when the children are not here. I get it was stupid on my part to let him come over to help when they were here. I just thought he felt the same because of the way he treats me and the effort he made

I am going to bet he gives some lines that essentially lead to believe it might turn into something more but no actual commitment. Like ‘I just need time, it’s a big step for me’ or ‘There’s no need to rush things. I can see a future for us, but we need to take it slow’ or ‘commitment scares me, I wouldn’t have usually got so emotionally involved. I did because this is different and I want us to work. I just need time’ or some variation.

Because he wants to be able have the girlfriend/boyfriend experience. But also be able to say ‘I know you formed an emotional attachment to me, I know I acted in a way that encouraged that. But I also didn’t promise you anything so if you are upset it’s not my fault’.

Even if he does make a commitment, I would bet money he distanced himself, then commits again when he thinks you may end it. And back and forth.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 09:19

Hear him out when he comes to talk- it sounds from what he said that he might be thinking it's a bit of a friends with benefits situation. Don't get angry at him for thinking that if you haven't clearly communicated what you want - you might not even be sure yourself or might not have been clear at the start.

Before you talk, get clear on what you do want with him and why, tell him this and word in a really positive and enthusiastic way (rather than 'I'm not going to be your booty call' anger etc). Ask him if he's up for exploring that with you. If he's not or he's unsure just say thanks for letting me know I'm glad we had this chat and then he can leave.

He might then miss you and
Come back willing to try for proper relationship, if he doesn't then you'll be sad of course but no more time wasted wondering

Original poster
idontknowwhattothinkk · 16/07/2023 20:42

He came, he gave me a cuddle and said he cares about me a lot, and it's not that he doesn't have some feelings there but he's scared of commitment and doesn't know why and said he's not interested in seeing other people.

So now I don't know what to think and I'm even more confused

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 17/07/2023 06:10

There was a great lyric that would have suited this man, the song was by Robert Palmer, could have been written for him -

Now I bring you home
You told me goodnight's not enough for you
I'm sorry baby
I didn't mean to turn you on
No, I didn't mean to turn you on

You read me wrong
I wasn't trying to lead you on
Not like you think
I didn't mean to turn you on

daisychain01 · 17/07/2023 06:14

What he said to you was - I want you but I don't want you - I'm going to tell you enough to keep you dangling on a string.

and as for "I'm not interest in anyone else". Yeah right, mate, you're not interested in anyone else, but if someone comes along who you get interested in, then as if by magic, you'll change your tune but that is then and this is now. It's called hedging your bets and keeping your options open.

up to you if you swallow his lines, they're a script.

Whatwouldscullydo · 17/07/2023 06:22

I think its a big hint that when they know they could have you they don't want you. Take it from someone who's brain is also current mush, you are wasting your time and you need to rip the band aid off. It's gonna hurt but the sooner you do it the sooner you can get over it all and hopefully meet someone who actually wants you without all this questioning if the situation and the hanging around for scraps he might throw you.

Ladybug14 · 17/07/2023 06:35

idontknowwhattothinkk · 16/07/2023 20:42

He came, he gave me a cuddle and said he cares about me a lot, and it's not that he doesn't have some feelings there but he's scared of commitment and doesn't know why and said he's not interested in seeing other people.

So now I don't know what to think and I'm even more confused

If he wanted a serious relationship he would know and tell you

What his subtext is saying is:

You're really nice and I like seeing you and I'll stick around until.someone I want to be with, comes along

PowerBMI · 17/07/2023 06:41

I am sorry Op. I really don’t think that was a good conversation.

He is afraid to commit. But also decided it was ok, to start bonding with your kids? On a different level to the man from the hobby. That’s not ok. That shows where his brain is. He must have known that was a big step. But he took it anyway, even though it risked hurting your kids in the long run.

I suspect, he has engineered the conversation of ‘I haven’t really thought about it’ because he knows you thought it was already serious and committed and he wanted to make it clear it isn’t.

He has given you just enough to keep you dangling.

SortingItOut · 17/07/2023 06:50

He sounds emotionally unavailable.
You need to read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Guy.

SortingItOut · 17/07/2023 06:50

Sorry its Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

JorisBonson · 17/07/2023 06:52

idontknowwhattothinkk · 16/07/2023 20:42

He came, he gave me a cuddle and said he cares about me a lot, and it's not that he doesn't have some feelings there but he's scared of commitment and doesn't know why and said he's not interested in seeing other people.

So now I don't know what to think and I'm even more confused

And that's exactly when you stop seeing him. He's telling you, in a stupidly roundabout way, that he doesn't want to commit to you.

If he wanted to commit and be with you, he would. There's no grey area.

CapEBarra · 17/07/2023 06:58

This isn’t difficult. If he really wanted to be with you, he’d be with you. You would feel happy and desired and loved, and if he really cared about you he would want you to feel happy and desired and loved. Instead you feel confused. This is not the man for you because he is not going to give you what you want. This man is for breakfast, not dinner. Move on.

ThatFraggle · 17/07/2023 07:01

I wish every woman could read the female dating strategy handbook on the Reddit sub of the same name, and stop being used for sex by chancers.

Swipe left for the next trending thread