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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this just most men?

75 replies

Whyme82 · 15/07/2023 12:33

So I’ve just gone back of mat leave. I’m always considerate of everyone’s needs around me before my partner even says he needs something I tend to know or buy it or if he mentions he needs something when I go to the shops I’ll always remember to buy it. I’ve been back at work now 3 weeks. I been saying I need a notepad and everytime his gone to the shops or whatever his not got me one. His been saying it for a while. I don’t get time to go out or anything and ordering one is just expensive and I just sat here and thought shit I never ask for ANYTHING EVER! I pay for my own stuff the one time I need something not even want it hasn’t even crossed his mind to pick up for me. It may be something minor but it just bothered me because when I say I literally will always remember his needs or wants when I go but me who never asks for anything but needs something didnt get a second thought

OP posts:

SpringIntoChaos · 15/07/2023 14:13

He's doing it on purpose by the sound of it. Maybe if you stop doing so much for him he'll realise, and start being kinder to you? Either way, he's not very nice by the sounds of things...so perhaps it's time to sit him down and have a chat about how things need to change within your relationship if it's to continue. Hope things improve for you OP 👍

ImNotReallySpartacus · 15/07/2023 14:21

Unless you are housebound or have no access to money, it probably does not occur to him that you can't get your own notebook. Why would it?

Thelnebriati · 15/07/2023 14:33

I think I'd get PA with him next time he asks and suggest he writes it down...

Watchkeys · 15/07/2023 14:42

Does he generally listen to you and want to make you feel that your needs are met, OP? Quite a lot of pps seem to think that this is about a pad, but it's not, is it? It's about not feeling heard and considered and cared for?

WallaceinAnderland · 15/07/2023 14:50

In 3 weeks you haven't been able to get it yourself?

pimplebum · 15/07/2023 14:51

Are you depressed? Because this petty
Maybe he is sleep deprived and forgot
Ffs go buy it yourself and tell him you are a bit sensitive at the mo and to step up the caring

Read up on love languages it may help you understand

pimplebum · 15/07/2023 14:52

This has been stewing for 3 weeks !
Sooo not urgent then

WhatFlavourIsIt · 15/07/2023 15:30

He probably assumes you don't need one that badly, seeing as it's been 3 wks and you haven't got one for yourself.

singJoanna · 15/07/2023 15:51

I get it, doesn't sound like it's about the notepad more your partner's thoughtfulness.
Either tell him straight and see if he changes or stop doing so much for him, could stop all the resentment.

UsingChangeofName · 15/07/2023 16:22

This reply has been deleted

We've removed this post as it quotes a previously deleted post.

pinkyredrose · 15/07/2023 16:29

Op it's 'he's' not 'his'. Sorry to be pedantic but it was making my teeth itch.

Anyway you are not being unreasonable. It must feel like he just isn't supportive of you in general. It's not really about the notebook, it's about his attitude towards you.

Is he thoughtless in general where you're concerned? Is he thoughtless where family, friends or colleague's are concerned?

pinkyredrose · 15/07/2023 16:31

pimplebum · 15/07/2023 14:51

Are you depressed? Because this petty
Maybe he is sleep deprived and forgot
Ffs go buy it yourself and tell him you are a bit sensitive at the mo and to step up the caring

Read up on love languages it may help you understand

It really isn't petty. Op thinks of her partner all the time, he doesn't do the same for her plus she's just had his baby. I'm not surprised she's upset, I would be too.

EBearhug · 15/07/2023 16:37

If I were asked to get a notepad, I'd be asking what size; lined, squared, blank, margins; spiral bound or not; bound on long or short edge; etc.

I would not trust others to buy me a notebook for the reason I usually have precise answers to such questions...

5128gap · 15/07/2023 16:38

Yup. Massively frustrating. Trouble is when you're a person who's identity is tied up with doing everything for everybody, meeting their needs before they ask etc, you tend to attract a person who enjoys having their needs met (rather than an equal partner who wouldn't want you to be running round for them) These people aren't necessarily the most thoughtful of individuals. All men aren't like that, but I do think more of those that are are men than women, for a whole bunch of reasons.

5128gap · 15/07/2023 16:41

Thelnebriati · 15/07/2023 14:33

I think I'd get PA with him next time he asks and suggest he writes it down...

In what should I write it dear Liza, dear Liza...?
Sorry.😊

Whadda · 15/07/2023 16:45

No, it’s not most men, it’s your dick of a boyfriend who you’ve posting about for weeks now.

He’s awful to you.

It’s not about a notebook.

BeverlyHa · 15/07/2023 16:52

Do evening shopping together in something like big ASDA. They have it all, plus all the clothes, toys, games, cosmetics, etc. Sometimes they have cooked pizza also. Get used to such types of shopping. Even the kids have a right to chose something small and put in the trolley and the daddy pays. Or the mummy, whoever has got the budget for that.

Deathbyfluffy · 15/07/2023 17:01

Whadda · 15/07/2023 16:45

No, it’s not most men, it’s your dick of a boyfriend who you’ve posting about for weeks now.

He’s awful to you.

It’s not about a notebook.

Are you surprised he’s awful having to live with the OP, who tells people she’s asked for help to shut up?

She sounds a real charmer…

Isheabastard · 15/07/2023 17:01

I had an ex like this. I finally realised I was ‘out of sight out of mind’.

I was like you, and always had him in mind and would do things for him, without asking or on the first ask. It does hurt. However you can’t change them. It could be selfishness or lack of caring, or it could just be the way his brain works. I can understand how your particular situation could go on for three weeks.

You have implement work arounds. So send him off with a list, text reminders when you know he is in the shop. Or accept you need to sort yourself out, and don’t rely on him.

This may not be how you want your relationship to be. As suggested, you may feel better about it if you stop being so proactive for his benefit.

You have a baby now and will need to spend the next 18 plus years anticipating your child’s needs. Now is a good time for your partner to start thinking about others needs and not just himself.

wakeuporswim · 15/07/2023 17:05

No, it’s not most men, it’s your dick of a boyfriend who you’ve posting about for weeks now.

Oh, so there's more

Ihaveawonderfulpartner · 15/07/2023 17:16

No. Not most men. My partner went to work yesterday then came home an hour later with milk as he'd noticed the milk was low in the fridge and worried I wouldn't have enough milk through the day for my coffees. Beyond thoughtful. All the time.

EezyOozy · 15/07/2023 17:18

I need a lot of notepads for study and work… I add them to my Asda shop. Most supermarkets will deliver one for you.

Unicorn2023 · 15/07/2023 17:38

Whadda · 15/07/2023 16:45

No, it’s not most men, it’s your dick of a boyfriend who you’ve posting about for weeks now.

He’s awful to you.

It’s not about a notebook.

This!

QueensBees · 15/07/2023 17:40

People on MN can be really obtuse. Nothing new really…

@Whyme82 I get it. It’s not about the notepad but about his attitude.
You are doing a lot for your partner, in that you are thinking of him and will do what you can to help him because you like him and want to do nice stuff for him.
But when it comes to reversing roles, your DP just can’t be bothered to get you ONE thing, despite professing he will do it.

So two questions for me

Has always been like that or has it started since you had tte baby?
have you ever talked about loving/caring for someone means to you?

Eg for you, loving someone means you’ll keep them in mind and ensure you are getting what they need if they ask (and sometimes before they ask!). If your DH doesn’t do that, can you still feel loved by him or do you feel disrespected? Fir him, what does loving/caring for you mean? Are what he sees as loving actions enough fir you to feel loved? Nit judging what’s working or not you, but sometimes people don’t put emphasis on the same place.

Plus, it’s important to make the difference between loving actions and what should be part of a balanced/equal relationship so no one feels taken for granted or start to feel resentful of the efforts they do vs tte ones their partner doesn’t do. This might mean you do too much and/or he does too little.
You need to talk about expectations there.

Whadda · 15/07/2023 17:41

Deathbyfluffy · 15/07/2023 17:01

Are you surprised he’s awful having to live with the OP, who tells people she’s asked for help to shut up?

She sounds a real charmer…

Show quote history

While the OP has been unpleasant on this thread, her boyfriend is an abusive weed addict who is on probation, hides lots of money from her, and is cutting her off from her family.

She doesn’t deserve that treatment.

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