what is a ‘Nice Guy’?

[gemsandmilk]

I’ve seen this used a few times in a derogatory way. Is it a man who wants to act nice for other reasons? Could you explain?

I think I encountered one of these recently (thankfully not in a dating context). Let's call him Sam.

Sam is well known in the local cycling scene (I've changed the sport so this isn't identifying). He attends various groups, clubs, fundraising events etc and because he's a 'nice guy' he has made lots of male and female friends in the scene. Some he's known for years.

Over the years a few women confided in him that they had been assaulted by the same man (also in the cycling scene). Sam decided he had to do something and cautiously put the women in touch with each other (as they all thought they were the only victim).

Rape charges ended up going nowhere but this abuser guy is now being prosecuted for stalking. And of course there are obvious benefits to these women being in touch with each other and validating each others experience.

I was really impressed when Sam was telling me all this, thinking he's a real ally, but as the conversation went on I realised he was massively jealous of this rapist guy as he was very good looking and had been considered something of a stud in the scene. There was a real sense of Sam gloating at the fact this 'lothario' had been brought down and that Sam had been right all along to despise him. He also made a gleeful comment like "and he's a shit cyclist!" which made me realise Sam is not a nice guy at all, he's not an ally, him helping these abused women was all about his own ego and petty rivalries.

A lot of these so-called nice guys are now in the anti-GC lobby. They say they are nice and inclusive and so women should not have women only spaces because they should be kind and include trans women. These so-called nice guys wouldn't dream of dating a trans woman. They know the difference alright.

Oh yes, totally. Very right on about a topic which does not have any bearing on their own day to day life in any way.