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Original poster

Why doesnt he care for my family

26 replies

Whitemocha · 15/07/2023 09:26

In September 2022 I met an incredible guy. Long story short, weve been together for almost a year with no arguements nor breaking up. He is kind, empathetic, caring, SO loving, sophisticated, talented, funny, thoughtful, sincere and my best friend.

On our first date I noticed he was VERY family orientated which, at 30 years old, I found EXTREMELY positive and exciting (we both want to get married etc). He is 28 and still lives with his parents 10mins out from the city. I came from the country and made an active decision to leave my family cos ironically my family are also very close

We met eachothers parents at Christmas, my parents are a good laugh and were ever so warming to my boyfriend but they are quiet and enjoy adventuring and walking and are Christian. They barely drink and dont go to pubs but I still have so much fun with them. My boyfriends parents are a bit more rowdy and have a bar in their garden and are constantly going out and to football matches and concerts. They have always been lovely to me and payed for our holiday this summer. However, whenever I have asked if my boyfriend wants to join me on a family visit he has refused using the worst excuses and its beginning to hurt. He is a very sensitive guy and so I gently asked if it was cos they live a quiet life and he was like "no no babe, its just were both so busy. Your parents are great, it just seems you dont even go that often". This was true, I work up to 48hrs sometimes and have been so busy but the last few weeks when ive mentioned it hes told me hes meeting friends or family when these plans never pan out.

Another thing that has haunted me in relation to our future was a conversation we had a couple months ago when we talked about kids. He stated that bringing them up Catholic was important to him as his family mentioned it but obviously I was raised Christian. Neither of us are religious but were brought up in conservative environments where he went to mass and I went to church. I told him respecticely that I wouldnt feel comfortable with this but we both agreed it wasnt something to discuss yet. He then joked how his mum would be "the best nan" and how she wouldnt ever want to return our kids to which I praised my mum also and he said "well, with your parents being an hour away we'd be able to see them about once a month which would be nice". This again hurt me and I told him once a month compared to seeing his family every day really wouldnt be fair.

My boyfriend is the epitome of perfection but this ONE issue in regards to our families is concerning me massively. My mum had a horrible relationship with my dads mum because she didnt realise how close my dad was to her and they rushed into marriage. This has seperated our family to the point where my brothers wedding was ruined by underlying drama.

Am I being dramatic or do I need to nip this in the bud as I love my boyfriend but want him to love my family

OP posts:

ConnieTucker · 15/07/2023 09:33

Catholics are Christians

ConnieTucker · 15/07/2023 09:34

Mass is in a church.

MichelleScarn · 15/07/2023 09:36

ConnieTucker · 15/07/2023 09:33

Catholics are Christians

Exactly what I was going to say. @Whitemocha are you from NI and have you posted recently but more about the differing backgrounds?

ConnieTucker · 15/07/2023 09:36

My boyfriend is the epitome of perfection
that is the biggest problem here. Nobody is

once a month is a normal acceptable amount. Every day isnt. That’s the actual issue.

Doyoumind · 15/07/2023 09:39

You're deluding yourself. He isn't perfection. Sounds to me like he just wants to do things his way and you probably go along with it most of the time without realising, and only notice on things you feel strongly about.

AgnesX · 15/07/2023 09:40

It sounds like he's quite close to his own family who are very different from yours. I can understand why he doesn't want to spend time with them. It doesn't mean that he dislikes them as such.

Just by the way Catholics are Christian.....what do you actually think Christianity is....??

P1ckledonionz · 15/07/2023 09:41

What is concerning is the way he is tellimg you how it will be, there's no discussion or space for your feelings in this. That it's hugely concerning. Red flag.

Also his prioritization of his own family definitely says he doesn't care about your connection with your family, and since your family is important to you it shows he doesn't really know you all that well and doesn't care about what is important to you. Two more red flags right there.

cheezncrackers · 15/07/2023 09:42

There may be trouble ahead ...

I'm not convinced this relationship is as perfect as you think it is @Whitemocha. Anyone can be 'perfect' in the honeymoon period, but his family, their opinions and preferences sound like they could well take over your life. His DM 'won't want to give her GC back'? He is going to insist on the DC being raised Catholic, when you've made it clear that your family's Protestantism is very important to you/them? He doesn't want your family to have any meaningful influence in your life and he never wants to visit them? I fear you could be sleepwalking into a controlling marriage where you have no say in how your DC are raised and with an omnipresent MIL who will be in your house every day.

HermeticDawn · 15/07/2023 09:42

Honestly, I think you’re expecting way too much for a fairly short relationship — you’ve been together about ten months! Why would he ‘care for’ your family, when he has barely met them? Why not just go and see your parents separately? He doesn’t enjoy spending time with them, which is fine.

I’ve been with my DH for decades, and rub along perfectly well with his parents, but they’re not people I would have in my life by choice. He feels similarly about mine. I don’t think it’s unusual. I grew up with and learned to get along with my parents’ oddities — he didn’t. And vice versa.

It sounds to me perfectly mad to be discussing how much time your putative offspring will spend with each set of grandparents.

Having said that, your boyfriend sounds immature and like he hasn’t grown beyond his family. I couldn’t go out with someone who lived with his parents aged 28. Actually, you also sound very young for a 30 year old — the whole ‘my mother will be just as lovely a granny to our possible future children’ and fighting about how much time each will spend with the children, thing is quite weird. You sound as if your relationship is less about two people than two families.

Having said that, you are who you are. If you want a life and children with someone who wants to see your parents a lot, and who won’t want to raise those children as Catholics, this isn’t going to work.

Dacadactyl · 15/07/2023 09:42

You do not have a future together if you aren't on the same page with how to raise kids/family values.

If he wants to get married in the Catholic Church you have to agree to raise your children Catholic.

If you are the poster from NI that I think you might be, I don't think you're compatible.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2023 09:43

I would not be planning a future with a 28 year old man who still lives at home with mummy and daddy.

HermeticDawn · 15/07/2023 09:44

And I agree with a pp, this relationship doesn’t sound at all perfect. Your bar (no arguments or breakups since September 2022) is very low!

Watchkeys · 15/07/2023 09:44

My boyfriend is the epitome of perfection but this ONE issue in regards to our families is concerning me massively

'My car is the epitome of perfection, but this ONE issue of it having no steering wheel is concerning me massively'

Would you carry on and drive it, nonetheless, @Whitemocha? Or would you decide that however perfect all the other parts were, this very concerning issue would put you off entirely?

There is no 'but' after perfection. It's either there or it isn't. You're feeling uncertain about him, due to how raising children together will likely go. You feel he is making excuses (i.e. lying to you) rather than respecting you enough to tell you the truth. You don't like the way he is regarding your parents. Does this look like a blueprint for happy family life to you?

HermeticDawn · 15/07/2023 09:45

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2023 09:43

I would not be planning a future with a 28 year old man who still lives at home with mummy and daddy.

Yes. OP, you’re confusing ‘family-oriented’ with ‘dependent and immature’.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2023 09:45

You need to stop with all of this "he's so perfect" nonsense. This mindset makes you very vulnerable to putting up with behaviours that should bring an end to the relationship.

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 09:45

Catholics are Christians so I assume you are from a different denomination? How different are your belief systems?

What did he mean by rising them Catholics? The strict Catholic values or just ensuring your children receive all sacraments?

GreyCarpet · 15/07/2023 09:47

So. To respond to points in your op...

As everyone else has said, Catholics are Christians, Mass happens in church and they read the same Bible so I'm not sure what you think Catholics are...

I wouldn't be bringing my children up according to the doctrines of any religion. My grandad was a much loved vicar and I still wouldn't (and didn't).

Seeing parents once a month is fine. Every day would be an issue for me - how exactly would ypu have any family life of your own? Having said that, it's not his fault his parents live closer and howuch time would you actually want to spend with your parents. You can't change how close either set of parents lives.

No one is perfect.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 15/07/2023 09:49

The whole mixed marriage thing really isn't an issue - I'm in one and we just married and baptised the children in the branch of the church most attended. If one side of the family are church goes and the other aren't, then you marry etc in the church goers church. Traditionally it should be the bride's family church.
The religion thing is tiny though, the issue you have is that he is expecting you to fit into his life, but he is telling you that he is not going to fit in with yours. You will be the one to make all of the comprises and sacrifices. I don't see a future.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 15/07/2023 09:52

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2023 09:45

You need to stop with all of this "he's so perfect" nonsense. This mindset makes you very vulnerable to putting up with behaviours that should bring an end to the relationship.

Oh and this as well. There is no perfect, its okay seeing him through rose tinted glasses, but you and your opinions are just as important.

Susieb2023 · 15/07/2023 09:56

You thought he shared your values around the importance of extended family. He only shares them when it’s about HIS extended family.

He sounds far from perfection. He sounds selfish, entitled and immature.

Your call.

toochesterdraws · 15/07/2023 10:19

@Whitemocha You say you are Christian - which denomination?

FloweryName · 15/07/2023 10:25

You’ve been together for five minutes, this is still the honeymoon phase and it’s already clear you want different things out of your futures.

Being ‘family oriented’ still has scope for a huge amount of variation in what you want out of life.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 15/07/2023 10:41

He is certainly not perfection and is already telling you how it will be when you have kids. I can tell you this for certain, this will grow in to a bigger and bigger problem. The fact that he's said out loud about when you have kids and has made clear that his family come first ... be careful. And take him of the pedestal you have put him on. You are sleepwalking into a shit future. Open your eyes. He is telling you who he is.
Also, you can go see your parents yourself, you are not joined at the hip. If you don't act like your parents are important to you then why would they be important to him? I'm guessing that your entire relationship revolves around him and his needs. Dont overlook things in your desperation to be in a relationship.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 15/07/2023 10:45

Just because he lives with mummy and daddy at 28 doesn't mean he's 'family orientated'. It means he's dependant on them for something. If you continue in this relationship you need to enforce rock solid boundaries. I would suggest moving away from his family for a start. Insist he visits your parents. I can imagine the only reason you never argue is because you are meek and enthralled with him.

jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 11:21

For someone who grew up with religious parents you don’t seem to know anything about different faiths - or even your own parents!

it can’t be that important to you if you think Catholics aren’t Christian and you don’t know mass is held in a church.

i am atheist and even I know this.

setting that aside - he has I assume always lived with his parents and just sees his adult life being close to his parents - living life exactly how they have lived and his children having the same childhood and experiences as he did with his parents heavily involved.

he doesn’t have space or Tolerance for anything different. He won’t make an effort to get to know tori family - and I assume would resist moving away from the area he grew up in.

on the face of it he sounds quite limited. I would find this frustrating and quite boring.

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