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Original poster

OW has breast cancer

44 replies

shiningcuckoo · 14/07/2023 14:26

I feel like the most terrible person because I am struggling to find compassion for the woman my ex left me for who now has breast cancer. She was a friend when I was still married and the discovery of their affair caused my life to collapse - I lost my home, my job, my self esteem and they tried to take my children but didnt succeed. The ex and the OW are still an item and I have nothing to do with them, My kids are old enough to make their own relationship with their dad and I keep out of it. I have cancer too - not breast cancer - with a terminal diagnosis and have been dealing with the progress and treatment for three years now. So i feel I should be feeling some compassion but nothing. I probably should stay quiet and stay out of it - right?

OP posts:
MadamWhiteleigh · 14/07/2023 14:31

I don’t think you need to feel compassion. Her being ill doesn’t magically change who she is and the choices she made.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say ‘good’ or anything like that but I would limit myself to ‘sorry to hear that’ sort of attitude and carry on fighting your own battles.

Original poster
shiningcuckoo · 14/07/2023 14:41

I'm not sorry though. Not am I pleased. Maybe if I have to say something, it should be something like "that must be very difficult". My kids tell me she is getting some sort of payout and they are putting in a new kitchen and buying a posh new sofa. I want to say don't do that FFS -I know how expensive cancer can be - but its absolutely not my business.

OP posts:
BlueberryElderberry · 14/07/2023 14:44

I think how you feel is completely natural, especially with your own diagnosis too.
I would feel the same, I think I would struggle to feel sorry for her in your shoes. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you human. She in effect stole your life. You need to concentrate on yourself and DC, she isn’t your problem.

perfectcolourfound · 14/07/2023 14:55

I wouldn't make any comments. As you say, you don't feel sorry for her, nor are you happy it's happened. Your feelings are neutral. So there's nothing to say. And I don't think anyone will expect you to say or feel anything?

Your feelings are perfectly understandable.

HelloFreshed · 14/07/2023 14:56

Stay out of it and focus on you.

Frogmila · 14/07/2023 15:00

The way you feel is entirely understandable. It is compassionate in itself given the circs as there's no malice or schadenfreude expressed. You just simply don't have the reserves to express upset and to be honest, why should you after all they've put you through and your own diagnosis?

Scores of people are diagnosed with cancer every day and you're not expected to feel deep compassion and sadness for each of them, only those you know or who strike a chord with you for some reason. She isn't the friend you knew any longer through her own actions. I think that gives you full justification for feeling quite neutral about this.

Remaining civil about her in front of your children, and providing neutral responses such as 'that must be hard for her', is more than enough. Concentrate on the kids and yourself 💐

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 14/07/2023 15:02

A shitty person with cancer is still a shitty person.

You owe her nothing, least of all compassion.

ALifeofarfid · 14/07/2023 15:04

It’s not like you have wished it on her or that you are getting any joy from her diagnosis. Like a pp said a shitty person with cancer is still a shitty person . Try not to waste your energy worrying about how you should feel and concentrate on you x

JudgeRudy · 14/07/2023 15:10

You feelwhat you feel, but yes you should definitely 'stay out of it'. I mean, what reason could you possibly give for being involved at all?

clpsmum · 14/07/2023 15:13

You don't need to feel anything about this especially not compassion. As long as you are not happy enough if that's enough

5128gap · 14/07/2023 15:15

It must be a strange feeling that this woman's life has taken a turn that is similar to your own. Almost like she's intruding into your illness now.
I think its absolutely fine to feel whatever you feel. You have dealt with quite enough and have enough challenges ahead in your own life to spare any head space for her misfortunes. Rationally you know that whether you well wish, ill wish or anything in between it will make no difference to her prognosis, so feel what you feel without guilt. God knows, you're entitled to that.

Missingmyusername · 14/07/2023 15:19

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 14/07/2023 15:02

A shitty person with cancer is still a shitty person.

You owe her nothing, least of all compassion.

I agree with this.

You owe her absolutely nothing. If anyone spoke of it, your answer “that must be difficult” is fine. You can feel however you feel- I would jus keep it to myself.

You have enough on your plate, I am sorry about your diagnosis OP. 💐

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 14/07/2023 15:30

I think you are being a bit hard on yourself here.

I think that indifference is a standard reaction in this case and I given all that happened as a result of this woman- indifference is the right response.

It's not like you are glad she has cancer. You don't owe her empathy or in fact, anything. Cancer doesn't exoronate her behaviour.

I hope your in treatment is going well.

diamondpony80 · 14/07/2023 15:36

No, I don't think I'd feel even the tiniest bit of compassion to be honest. Absolutely stay quiet and stay out of it. It's nothing at all to do with you.

dikwad · 14/07/2023 15:40

I wouldn't give a shit either OP.

billy1966 · 14/07/2023 15:41

I think in the circumstances feeling neutral on the subject is extraordinarily generous of you.

Focus on yourself OP.

I am so sorry things have been so hard and stressful for you.

Myfavouritecolourisanimalprint · 14/07/2023 15:44

My ex told me a few years ago that his now wife had breast cancer. I wouldn't have wished it on her (as I wouldn't on anybody) but considering I witnessed how she threw herself at him while we were still together, I found it difficult to feel anything about it either way. I did feel a lot of sympathy for him though - he lost his first wife to cancer before I met him, and I can imagine how traumatic it must have been for him to relive the whole thing, though as far as I know she is fine now.

You're not a bad person OP, you have enough on your plate without having to worry about an ex friend that you now have no reason to care about.

MumblesParty · 14/07/2023 15:50

Don’t say anything OP.

I’m going to be honest, and I know this makes me a bitch, but if it happened to me then a part of me would be thinking it was karma. I wouldn’t like myself for having that thought, but I know I’d still have it.

Im99912 · 14/07/2023 15:52

Nah i wouldn’t give a shit about her and her cancer

in fact I would feel absolutely fine about feeling fine ok with it but I’m not a particularly forgiving person 😂

Im99912 · 14/07/2023 15:54

@MumblesParty
you wrote it better than I tried to 😂
I would feel absolutely 0 compassion for such a bitch and 0 compassion to her DH as well
in fact probably the same amount of compassion they showed you

declutteringmymind · 14/07/2023 15:57

Leave them to it. Your poor kids tho. They have to deal with it both sides. Keep them
Close and concentrate on what you need.

Cancer is shit for anyone who has it.

Opentooffers · 14/07/2023 15:58

Given what she's done, I'd say that's Karma.

Original poster
shiningcuckoo · 14/07/2023 16:00

I feel no compassion at all towards the ex. When we were together he treated me terribly when I was ill and said some terrible things to me when I was diagnosed with cancer. Maybe he will treat her better but I don't care if he dies or doesn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
shiningcuckoo · 14/07/2023 16:01

Does or doesn't. That typo turned out a bit dark.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 14/07/2023 16:02

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 14/07/2023 15:02

A shitty person with cancer is still a shitty person.

You owe her nothing, least of all compassion.

Yep this will bells on. I wouldn’t feel any compassion for her.