Is it selfish to leave ‘just’ because I’m not happy

[Changethenamey]

Cutting a long story short as possible here. We’ve been together 15 years, met as teenagers and have 3 kids under 10. Not married (he changed his mind). I haven’t been happy for many years but thought perhaps that’s just normal in long term relationships, but now the kids are getting older I am starting to fear what my life will be when they’ve left home. For example, DP and I stopped sharing a bed when our oldest was little as they kept getting in and he decided to decamp to the sofa bed. He’s been there ever since. We recently had a weekend away and even then he refused to share the bed with me (he did one night but made us have separate duvets, then decided he didn’t like it and slept in the spare single).

I like to be social but he doesn’t like if I’m not home (tough) - he has no friends, or hobbies. In the evenings by the time I get the kids settled and have a shower he is already asleep on the sofa or watching a film or series he has started without me. If I try to have a conversation with him he will pause the TV and wait for me to finish, answer with a single word and unpause. As the living room is effectively his bedroom I’m not allowed to do anything in there in the evening. He complains we have no sex life but how is it supposed to happen when I feel like I’m not even welcome or liked by him? There’s no affection at all from him. He thinks nothing of stopping for a take away or drink on the way home and bringing nothing for me or the kids. I just don’t get it. There’s no arguments or bickering but tbh we barely speak to each other. I feel like I would be happier on my own, at least I’d have use of the TV and living room of an evening! Apart from his half of the bills he buys nothing for the house or children. I don’t know what he does with his money.

I just don’t know if it is selfish to leave him and disrupt everything just because I’m scared of how things will be in 10 years (our lives are very intertwined, due to length of relationship, maybe things will improve when we don’t have stresses of young children?). However, I am also anxious the children are growing up thinking this is normal and I really don’t think it is. I’m at breaking point and don’t know if this is salvageable.

You don't need any reason to leave. As the saying goes 'we only get one life, don't waste it.'

If you stay and nothing changes, then you are definitely wasting your one chance at a happy life.

Your partner sounds like a miserable, selfish twat and not someone you'd want to grow old with.

Have a life, not an existence.

Does he know how you are feeling? He sounds awful.

He genuinely can’t see what he’s doing wrong and everything is my fault…! I’m not saying I’m perfect of course! I’m not sure if I’m in a ‘grass is greener’ situation and will regret it. So hard to know what to do.

You deserve to love and be loved.

Thats all I'm going to say.

I could put money on your children already being affected by this horrible, dire relationship.

You get to choose how this turns out. Leave this turd.

There's a man out there who is chill as F and great in bed waiting on the horizon. Find your happy. For you and your kids

What's your financial situation OP? This is not living.

Ok, so he thinks its your fault. Even if it is it doesn't change the fact that you're unhappy and it sound like you dont love him - good enough reason to exit.

not to mention that this is exactly how a lot of overcooked teenage relationships end. People just outgrow each other

Is counselling and option? It depends whether you want to try and save things or have reached the point of moving on.

Please don't stay together for your children- my parents did it until I was 13 and I knew they didn't love each other. I then saw both of them in new relationships where they loved/were loved and still now joke with them about why they stayed together so long. Everyone was happier once they'd split so if your only reason to stay is your children then in the long run you'll be doing more harm than good. I didn't really understand what love was, probably don't fully understand what it really is now until I saw them in actual relationships that they enjoyed and that was a few years ago and I'm now in my 30's x

I have a part time job that pays quite well for the hours, I could probably afford to take on our current house but I doubt he would let me stay here. I have no idea about his finances, he works 6 days a week and only gives me £250pw towards the bills 🤷🏼‍♀️. Thanks for all your comments it’s making me cry! I guess that’s hit the nail on the head that I don’t feel loved - feel kind of worthless and invisible.

You DP sounds like he has no self-awareness, no consciousness about how his actions and behaviour affect others.

Would you miss him if he moved out?

On the other hand OP, you sound like you lack assertiveness and need to define some boundaries and clearly stick to them. Chances are you may need therapy around that specifically.

His hogging of the living room and lack of care for you and the children is totally unacceptable. “I am a grown adult, this is my living room too and I am choosing to stay up binging on this boxed set until 3am, either you can watch it with me, go to sleep in the bedroom or snooze on the sofa”. Tell him it is unacceptable for a father to only think of satisfying his own wants and needs without prioritising the children’s wants and needs.

Once you define your boundaries, set them and stick to them, see how he adapts. Either he’ll change for the better, or he’ll refuse and have to leave.

He sounds like he might be neurodivergent, based on the behaviour you're describing. Has he ever seen a therapist?

Are you renting or mortgaged? I'd say find out what your options are in terms of logistics, what your options are for housing you and the kids and work towards how you can make that happen. You're not doing them any favours by staying in this situation, they are watching your every move, that's how they learn.

I'm sorry to say this doesn't sound like a relationship but more a connivence (on his end). The fact that he's working 6 days a week and you have a home together and 3 kids and is only contributing £250 towards bills firstly rings alarm bells. After being together this long, everything (including what he earns) should be transparent and split equally. Although, in your situation as you work PT which I'm assuming is to be there for both your children he could or should be contributing more because you are being a full time parent.

Not sharing a bed kills intimacy, so his complaints about no sex lift give me the idea he wants to get his end away at his pleasure but not act like a loving partner. For me - that would kill me relationship. If my husband couldn't share a bed with me what else is there, that's the VERY basics of being in an intimate relationship.

He truly sounds like an ass OP.

I guess my question to you would be. Are you in love with him still?

If Yes - you need to sit him down, tell him exactly how you feel and exactly what you need. If he isn't willing to give you any of those things then that tells you everything. Love or not.

If no - make plans to leave. Find a solicitor, make plans and end it. Because it certainly isn't going to get any better.

I actually suspect this. He would never agree to therapy although I think I will try it out regardless of if I stay or leave.

The thing is, neurodivergence isn’t an excuse to be a selfish arse. ND people can be loving, thoughtful, caring and generous, especially if they are clear about your expectations.

No, it's not an excuse, but if it's undiagnosed and untreated, it could be a possible path forward for OP (if she wants this). Being in a relationship with someone who is neurodivergent is incredibly challenging (speaking from experience), and a pyschologist/therapist/counsellor could absolutely help.

He's checked out a long time ago, you should start making a plan.
He didn't consult you before he checked out so there's no need to consult him about your plan.
Make everything water tight and present him with a fait accompli

That’s true. I think it may be worth getting to the bottom of the bed thing too. Maybe if the bed was a super king size he and had two separate duvets he might be more comfortable. Or maybe there is some kind of bedtime ritual he needs to feel okay, that sort of thing. OP might need to give some unnaturally clear instructions and rules for him to follow.

@tangledroots The bed thing struck me too. There is something there that doesn't seem like typical behaviour, especially if OP's partner is still hoping for a sex life with OP. I was also struck by starting television programmes, pausing them so OP can speak, then un-pausing. It sounds like the behaviour of someone who may possibly have Aspergers to me.

Yes, and if that is true he won’t have a clue about OPs unhappiness and would be bewildered if she proposed breaking up.

He needs to understand that for most people, intimacy = sharing and that sex = intimacy. Therefore most women will not have sex without sharing.

OP I could have almost written the same post as you.

My DH does this with the TV when I speak. He is Aspergers (diagnosed by me). I feel as if by doing this, DH is passively saying ''say what you need to say, then please leave/be quiet so I can carry on with the important task of watching my programme and not having to interact with you''. It's bloody rude.

My DH shares a bed with me (no sex for 5 years) but during the day he lives in the living room. He WFH in there, his stuff/clothes/plates/wrappers etc dominate the sofa. Our DD has compared the living room to a students flat, acknowledging that DH made the mess/lives like a student. No one really goes in the living room now, it's evolved into DH's den. We can go in no problem, but he gets huffy if we want to watch our things on TV. Not nasty, just a sigh under his breath because he's 'just' watching the sport (again) on TV and it's an important game (as always). But as I point out, he's been watching the sport on the TV all week, he's had his turn. I can put my stuff on the TV but then he starts making comments about how rubbish it is. I don't commented on his stuff, ever. DH then doesn't know what to do if he doesn't have free range of the sofa/TV When at home and not working, all he knows is the sofa & TV. He the hangs around like a spare part. If I'm at home then I sort/tidy/clean the house, have a bath, read, chat to DDs, go online, do washing, watch my tablet in bed, pop to shop/gym/parents/friends/go out with DD.

DH goes into the living room on a weekend, shuts the door and then that is usually it all weekend. He comes out for snacks, food, cook DD dinners.

I know that at least one of our DDs doesn't use the living room because they see it as DH's personal den. Of course, if I said any of this to him then he would deny it to the hills.

No advice OP, but I know how you feel. Sending you hugs x

If I were you I’d be tempted to remove the living room door and make the house more open plan. And make some clear time-based demands. “I will be watching TV from 8pm and if you feel the urge to start flumping around, huffing, sighing and making negative comments, you can either go to the bedroom and read or go to the pub and leave me to it”.

It is really rude and it’s unacceptable.

This might have been good advice 10 years ago, but I think the op has long since gone past this point. This loveless selfish man who doesn’t contribute much financially emotionally practically and is there anything else? I’d be making my exit plan as the only possible thing to do.