Is it selfish to leave ‘just’ because I’m not happy

[Changethenamey]

Cutting a long story short as possible here. We’ve been together 15 years, met as teenagers and have 3 kids under 10. Not married (he changed his mind). I haven’t been happy for many years but thought perhaps that’s just normal in long term relationships, but now the kids are getting older I am starting to fear what my life will be when they’ve left home. For example, DP and I stopped sharing a bed when our oldest was little as they kept getting in and he decided to decamp to the sofa bed. He’s been there ever since. We recently had a weekend away and even then he refused to share the bed with me (he did one night but made us have separate duvets, then decided he didn’t like it and slept in the spare single).

I like to be social but he doesn’t like if I’m not home (tough) - he has no friends, or hobbies. In the evenings by the time I get the kids settled and have a shower he is already asleep on the sofa or watching a film or series he has started without me. If I try to have a conversation with him he will pause the TV and wait for me to finish, answer with a single word and unpause. As the living room is effectively his bedroom I’m not allowed to do anything in there in the evening. He complains we have no sex life but how is it supposed to happen when I feel like I’m not even welcome or liked by him? There’s no affection at all from him. He thinks nothing of stopping for a take away or drink on the way home and bringing nothing for me or the kids. I just don’t get it. There’s no arguments or bickering but tbh we barely speak to each other. I feel like I would be happier on my own, at least I’d have use of the TV and living room of an evening! Apart from his half of the bills he buys nothing for the house or children. I don’t know what he does with his money.

I just don’t know if it is selfish to leave him and disrupt everything just because I’m scared of how things will be in 10 years (our lives are very intertwined, due to length of relationship, maybe things will improve when we don’t have stresses of young children?). However, I am also anxious the children are growing up thinking this is normal and I really don’t think it is. I’m at breaking point and don’t know if this is salvageable.

Surely being unhappy is the reason everyone leaves a relationship. Affair, abuse, no affection, the cause may be different, but the result is unhappiness.

If you're not happy, and haven't been for a long time. You children will be far better off with two separated, happy parents than miserable ones who are staying together "for the kids"

OP I could have written this myself. I'm ending it tonight. We can do this!

Your children will be far better off with two separated, happy parents than miserable ones who are staying together

I disagree with this. It’s an untrue truism to make people feel better about the devastating impact that breaking up a home can have on children.

However, if the OPs partner is impossible to work with, it might just be worth prioritising herself over.

@Tdcp

Good for you. Keep moving forward.

Relationships are voluntary. They're not prison sentences and you don't need to "serve" your time until your kids are 18.

On the plus side, he sounds stingy enough and useless enough that it will be quite easy to get rid of him because he contributes so little to your lives.

Do you own your house or rent? Do you have any savings? Could you afford a large enough house for you and the kids if you went elsewhere? Do you know how much he earns and how much child maintenance your children would be entitled to? In your position, I'd definitely start thinking through the practicalities.

What do you mean, he wouldn’t let you stay in the house?

I note you aren’t married, so is the house owned or rented in his name only?

Being unhappy is enough reason to split. This relationship has definitely run its course.

There's also a devastating impact on children witnessing two parents feel little nothing more than contempt for each other for decades clinging onto the notion that staying under one roof for the children is the noble way.

Horses for courses. Clearly one happy home with a good marriage is best for children but where that isn't possible there needs to be another way. I would absolutely disagree that staying together in a miserable toxic home is preferential to two seperate peaceful respectful well adjusted homes, but people will always back their own choices.

Whose to say which is better?

Perhaps the choice is staying together in a miserable toxic home or two seperate toxic homes where one parent is going through a mental breakdown that the kids feel responsible to solve and the other home where the new partner moves in and convinces the stable parent they give their spoiled kids too much attention and should encourage their independence, (ie stop parenting them), and somehow the kids fall through the cracks in the middle. I think this “two peaceful respectful well adjusted homes” is something of a fantasy.

@TangledRoots a lot of former children who grew up in toxic household where parents stayed together "for then" resent this fact.

there are many well adjusted children who grew up in single parent household or in patchwork families - some didn't if both parents dropped the ball, but it's always better to have two homes where one is functional then to have no choice but to live without a living room because your asshole of a father took over the couch

You have my permission to leave. I have never regretted leaving my marriage. I wasn't happy.

I am (more than) ten years on now and I shudder to think what would have happened if I'd stayed.

Although you really need to give yourself permission.

In the nicest possible way, I think it's selfish if you stay. Your children are learning that this is how we are supposed to behave in a relationship. So your son's could do this to their partner in the future, your daughter's could put up with this emotional abuse. You owe it to them to show them it's not right.

Someone linked this to me years ago. It's an advice column with 4 different women writing in on advice in whether they should leave. You have to scroll down a long way to get to the response but it's stuck with me for years. "Because wanting to leave is enough"

therumpus.net/2011/06/24/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

A marriage should be a team where you are both contributing to shared goals. You should also both spend it with someone who you like, love and respect. Not seeing the evidence of this from what you've said he's like with you. Why prolong the misery?

I'm sort of on the receiving end of this, my husband of 30 years moved out 2 weeks ago, he needs "time to himself" we've been growing apart, kids in their 20s, his treatment of me for 2 years manipulative and gaslighting. He's renting nearby "for 3 months".
To me this is his way of extracting himself half way, then making it permanent, I've not heard from him in the 2 weeks since he moved out, other than a text to ask if he could pick something up (I went out)
Honestly? I respect his need to do what is right for him, but I don't respect how he has - and is - treating me, I feel undescribable hurt, rejection, sadness and heartbreak that he could treat me like this, especially as I've always remained kind, loving and caring despite everything, but I do respect his need to do what is right for him, I don't need to say it I'm sure, but I will, please do what is right for you but please - if you can - be kind and caring in how you choose to do it xx

This! I'm having to do a lot of soul searching and I'm starting to see how the toxic relationship my parents had has shaped how I behave and how I allow myself to be treated and manipulated, and why I respond to that as I do. He was a nasty bullying chronic alcoholic and she was emotionally unavailable and dismissive. Hardly surprising that I'm opening my eyes at 59 seeing that I've permitted so much that I shouldn't have and been appeasing and submissive, I had a terrible grounding in unhealthy relationship model and its taken me 30 years to open my eyes and see it x

OP, whatever you do, don’t listen to any of these people who are telling you what to do for the kids. Staying together could be better for the kids, splitting up could be better for the kids. Own that whatever choice you make is for yourself. Clearly, just from this thread, you can tell your kids could feel damaged and resent you either way.
Something obviously needs to change.

We are in shared ownership, so both renting and mortgaged. I imagine he would want to sell and split any equity in the house now (which is understandable, around 30k each) however neither of us earn enough to mortgage a new property. Renting is shocking round here (SE).

regarding the sleeping arrangements, it hasn’t always been like this so he has managed it before. We shared a bed for 8 odd years. His current excuse is he likes to fall asleep with the tv on and I like to read my phone, which annoys him (the light/tapping I guess).

Thank you for the links, and advice. I have nearly left him so many times over the years and stayed because I was too scared to go solo. I feel like now I am ready as I’m basically doing everything myself anyway.

A muddy swamp would be greener than what you’re living with. Save yourself, save your children and save your own life. Don’t waste it on that selfish lump of skin.

You need to split up. He is the most selfish person in the world.

OP. Remember that no one forcefully advising you on what to do here will have to live with the far-reaching consequences of any action you might take. It will only affect you and your family. Everyone here will move onto another thread and another drama. Do what is right for you.

I would suggest stability for the children first, but that said only you know what's best op.

All the best and positivity

I came on to say that a little bit of low level ennui isn't a good enough reason to turn your kids worlds upside but Jesus this is on a another level. Yes leave no one should have to live as you describe.

This sounds terribly lonely. I couldn’t live like that the rest of my life. I’d rather be single.

People say a relationship will get better but The relationship will only get worse as the children get older. Once you have teens in the house up at all hours and being nosy it’s really hard sometimes to have a sex life.
as for the not sharing a bed, my husband and I are guilty of that, mainly because our youngest has health needs and requires monitoring at night. Sometimes when a couple stops sharing a bed it can be hard to allow them back in with all the fidgeting and snoring etc you get so used to your own space it’s hard to go back.
it sounds like he’s depressed and lacking motivation. No socialising, no affection towards you, no regards for the children etc.
when you’ve been together from a young age (same for my husband and I ) I think it’s easy for the man to forget he’s with a grown up and not the teenager he met so he can sometimes lack the dating skills most men acquire from years of chasing women in their 20’s. Things like romance, trying to impress you and all that good stuff women need. He’s definitely taking you for granted.
I don’t think you should feel guilty for wanting to leave, and it does sound like you’ve had enough and deserve much better.
have you had any deep conversations with him about the issues you have?