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Original poster

DP can't get over things in the past

42 replies

loopy9393 · 14/07/2023 11:12

Been with DP little over a year and 11 weeks pregnant. Between splitting up from my ex and us becoming official there have been ups and downs and I definitely went a bit "off the rails". After splitting from physically and mentally abusive ex of 10 years who left me for OW I was out drinking and letting my hair down often, making the most of the freedom I hadn't ever had. I slept with a few people and being in a small town gossip spreads quickly. DP cannot get over who I've slept with/how many (yet less than 10 people in my 30 years of existence) and brings it up almost daily with little digs which ends up in massive arguments etc. I don't know what to do, try and make it work and put up with the constant bickering or walk away. I do not want to bring this baby into the world either as a single mum or into a doomed relationship (no dig at single mums but I'm not financially or emotionally in that place). Any advice? TIA.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 14/07/2023 11:15

With the stress that new babies bring, your relationship is doomed even if the relationship lasts until the birth.

He's not unreasonable if he thought that he could overlook things but finding that he can't but instead if taking it out on you, he should be walking away.

BoohooWoohoo · 14/07/2023 11:17

Your baby is going to grow up knowing who you've shagged and listening to daddy call you names. That's no way to live for both baby and you.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 14/07/2023 11:19

I couldn't put up with that now matter what stage of the relationship. He's not for you.

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 14/07/2023 11:19

Was he a virgin when you met him? If not tell him to grow the fuck up.

Hellofromtheotherslide · 14/07/2023 11:20

Your current boyfriend is also abusive, OP. Walk away before you waste any more time on someone like him and see about getting some counselling so that you can try and avoid them in future. You and baby deserve better than this.

Superdupes · 14/07/2023 11:22

Why are you having a child with someone you have daily massive arguments with? Did this only start after he found out you were pregnant?

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 14/07/2023 11:23

Hellofromtheotherslide · 14/07/2023 11:20

Your current boyfriend is also abusive, OP. Walk away before you waste any more time on someone like him and see about getting some counselling so that you can try and avoid them in future. You and baby deserve better than this.

^This.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme.

scoobysnaxx · 14/07/2023 11:23

He has no right to even comment on your sexual past.

It's so misogynistic.

So what if you'd slept with 100 men? What does that mean? I'm dirty? I'm a slag? Well that's my decision at the end of the day. Don't like it leave!

Would LOVE to know his reaction if you scrutinised and kept judging him for who he'd slept with/how many. Men are allowed to wear this like a badge of honour!

He seems to be ashamed and embarrassed by your sexual history.

His problem, not yours.

I wouldn't apologised and I'd make it known how sexist and inappropriate this is.

If he's going to be with you he should be proud to have you. Not view you as corrupted or used or whatever he bloody may think.

Grimchmas · 14/07/2023 11:26

So he's more concerned with you sleeping with a (frankly not large) number of men than he is about the fact that you were abused?

It's time to get real here. Men like this don't pull their finger out and improve when a baby arrives - they get 10x worse.

Cut your cloth accordingly.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 14/07/2023 11:26

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 14/07/2023 11:19

Was he a virgin when you met him? If not tell him to grow the fuck up.

Agree.
Plus just to say I'm really sorry OP but break it off now or you'll be stuck in an abusive relationship with someone accusing you at every turn, upsetting and damaging your baby too. Honestly if he can't drop it pronto get him to feck.

Original poster
loopy9393 · 14/07/2023 11:26

@Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly he openly admits years ago he'd happily hook up with random girls every weekend, I of course don't ask who, how many or comment at all - none of my business and frankly I don't want to know.

@Superdupes this has been constant in the past couple of weeks. A few comments here and there before but came across as sarcastic or trying to be funny if anything.

OP posts:
Grimchmas · 14/07/2023 11:28

Ah of course, it's one rule for you and another for him.

It's common for abusive men to start with pregnancy or when the baby arrives.

Don't ignore the red flags.

DowntonCrabby · 14/07/2023 11:28

Hellofromtheotherslide · 14/07/2023 11:20

Your current boyfriend is also abusive, OP. Walk away before you waste any more time on someone like him and see about getting some counselling so that you can try and avoid them in future. You and baby deserve better than this.

This.

You and the baby deserve much better Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2023 11:29

You've gone from one abuser to another, and this relationship has disaster written all over it. I would not burden a child with having this man as a father, and I wouldn't want to be tied to him for years and years to come, either.

Badger1970 · 14/07/2023 11:29

You've simply gone from one abusive relationship to another. Please think very seriously about having this baby with a man like this - he'll be in your life forever. And I don't say that lightly.

Can you phone and talk to someone at Women's Aid to get some support?

Original poster
loopy9393 · 14/07/2023 11:30

@scoobysnaxx completely agree with everything you've said. He said after we found out about the pregnancy that he was worried people will think it's not his. I have never cheated on him, everything happened obviously way before we conceived.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 14/07/2023 11:31

He’s abusive to you as well op; my genuine advice would be to end it with him, find some counselling and consider an abortion

Original poster
loopy9393 · 14/07/2023 11:33

Thanks all. I never realised this to be abusive. I was always used to controlling behaviour or physically being hurt by my ex. My head is all over the place of what to do.

OP posts:
WilkinsonM · 14/07/2023 11:34

Your 'DP' is a controlling abusive twat and you've made a huge mistake getting pregnant so soon. You barely knew him, and now he's showing you who he is.
your best options are either to terminate the pregnancy and leave him, or just leave him. This relationship is only going to get more scary.

Opentooffers · 14/07/2023 11:34

If he's been bringing it up daily, it's a wonder you have got to being together for a year. But then sadly it shows how you've got used to being abused, as he has been dishing it out daily for a year and you have just put up with it till now.
Your tolerance is too high, as you have been conditioned to accept poor treatment. 10 people is probably about average at your age. What has not helped was distracting yourself maybe, by living it up a bit, rather than having counselling to deal with what you went through.
It would be unwise perhaps to tie yourself to another man who is showing abusive traits, by having a child with him. Some things you have to consider, the decision is yours. Whether you proceed with your pregnancy or not, as a minimum you should split from this man and seek out counselling.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/07/2023 11:39

WilkinsonM · 14/07/2023 11:34

Your 'DP' is a controlling abusive twat and you've made a huge mistake getting pregnant so soon. You barely knew him, and now he's showing you who he is.
your best options are either to terminate the pregnancy and leave him, or just leave him. This relationship is only going to get more scary.

All of this. It's such a toxic situation.

Decent, mature, stable men don't behave this way.

scoobysnaxx · 14/07/2023 11:44

*He said after we found out about the pregnancy that he was worried people will think it's not his.
*
WOW.

Well that just goes to show what he thinks of you. That's just what he's said. Imagine what is unsaid?

You deserve to be respected and appreciated for who you are. Not treated as dirty and made to feel shameful. Get to fuck!

I dread to imagine what other rules and expectations he has for the women in his life.. it will aaaaallllll start to creep out as you go further into a relationship.

Maybe he starts making comments about your body/diet/exercise habits post baby?

Maybe he starts to comment on the way you dress..

Maybe he's not happy with your make friends..

Honestly run for the heels. Get out now I know it's hard with a baby coming. But easier now that being 15 years in and unhappy and disrespected at every turn.

He doesn't respect you now so this won't grow.

You and the baby deserve better!!

You've already been through one abusive relationship. Don't let yourself into another one.

Do some reading into abusive behaviours and coercive control. Unfortunately it's very very subtle at times and sinister. Hard to catch if you don't know what to look for xxx

Frogger8395 · 14/07/2023 11:47

I would get rid and end the pregnancy. I would not want to be connected to this abusive man for the rest of my life.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2023 11:47

It's not very often that I recommend that a woman to terminate a pregnancy, but I strongly advise you to do so. Your situation is very, very dire.

You desperately need to get help and learn how to avoid abusive men in the future.

yousexybugger · 14/07/2023 12:16

So this has ramped up very recently? I'd be asking him exactly why he's suddenly so interested in talking about your sex life with other people over a decade ago now.

I think it's abusive and don't mean to stir the pot but wouldn't be terribly surprised if there was some deflection.

You say you're not in a position to leave immediately. I would sit him down and have a very firm conversation about this. Remain calm and firm throughout. Provide examples. It isn't about reassuring him, it is about making clear that his odd, tedious commentary is unwelcome and very stale.

Ask why he is behaving like this and stipulate that it stops now, it isn't funny, it isn't his business and it is hypocritical as he was no monk himself and you have zero interest in past sex lives. Point out that there is nothing out of the ordinary about either of your experiences (it wouldn't matter if there was) and you want to know why he is so interested so long after the fact.

I would ask what he intends to do to move on and change the record to a more mature and respectful one as you are the mother of his children. If this doesn't happen let him know you will reconsider the relationship as this is extremely odd and unpleasant behaviour, persistently digging at you. He sounds a dick.

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