Family wedding drama

[SmallTreeDeepRoots]

It’s about a wedding (sorry). Have namechanged for obvious reasons!

My sister got married last weekend. We are not really in touch and have exchanged maybe a handful of whatsapps in the last 10 years. I distanced myself because she was repeatedly very rude about my DS when he was smaller (he was developmentally delayed, she called him a retard etc., made fun of him and I found it easier to just keep her at arms length rather than get pointlessly angry). We have a third sister and another brother, plus both parents still alive. My parents don’t get on with third sister. So we all tend to meet up separately anyway.

I found out wedding sister (WS) was getting married just before Christmas. Everyone was invited apart from me. That was fine. It’s her day, and we are not close by any stretch of the imagination! My parents were upset I was not invited, as they were going to see Third Sister (and her child) for the first time in a long while, and were hoping for some sort of magical family reunion. I said that if I was invited, I would gladly come. But wasn’t going to gatecrash someone’s wedding. I sent WS a card to congratulate her and wish her well. Months went by, and I heard nothing and that was honestly fine. Mid May I had a WhatsApp out of the blue inviting me & family. DH is not well at the moment, but I found someone to look after him for the day and accepted invite for me & both DC. In my reply I say that we would need to leave at about 7pm-ish to get the train home to DH and relieve carer.

Arrived at the wedding venue on Saturday. All fine. Ceremony lovely and we all head outside to mill about with drinks etc. WS pulls me to one side and asks where I’ve left my music gear (I play guitar and some other instruments and do some amateur bands/groups as a hobby). I said I didn’t bring it and no one had mentioned anything. Much pouting, then someone runs home and gets a guitar and I am embarrassed into playing background music for about an hour. I’m uncomfortable abandoning DC (apart from two babies, they are the only kids there), but they settle with nearby with my brother and seem ok. I don’t want to make a scene and wreck the wedding.

We are seated for the meal, I am on the opposite side of the room to all my family, but I put it down to being a last minute inclusion. We make friends with our table mates and have a nice time. Then afterward meal, speeches etc WS hisses at me to start playing again. It’s about 6.45pm and I say sorry, we have to go in 15 minutes. My parents get involved and it is all long faces about no music for the entire evening and how selfish I am being leaving everyone in the lurch. I say I’m sorry about that, but I had no idea I was supposed to be entertaining everyone, and that I have to get back to the train station to get home. I say my goodbyes, congratulate bride & groom, and quietly head off with DC.

Since then, I have had so many messages from WS accusing me of being petulant and ruining the wedding. Messages from my parents who are disappointed that their magical family reunion did not happen and that I hardly spent any time with my family at the wedding (obviously because I was performing or sat miles away from everyone, and had to leave early). Had I been invited sooner, there would have been more chance to being able to arrange overnight care so we could stay longer. But now it seems like I was only invited (at the last minute) because WS wanted some free music. My aunt got in touch to say that it was about time I “buried the hatchet” with WS so that we could all be civilised. Frankly I do not have the energy to rake it all up again. And I don’t feel I should be apologising for anything. I think WS has continued being rude to me and my family. I have tried so hard not to be confrontational and forcing the family to take sides etc. But now I’m wondering whether I should either make the massive scene I’ve been avoiding for years or just cut them all out of my life for the sake of my sanity. I don’t have anyone to bounce these thoughts off at the moment, and if you’ve got this far I really appreciate it!

You sound like the only mature member of your family!

You accepted the invitation to keep your parents happy and played the guitar to keep your sister happy.

Everyone else is being ridiculous and trying to cause problems.

It's probably time to distance yourself a bit more.

Give her both barrels it's a long time coming
In fact all of them op

WS is a cf and I wouldn’t waste another minute on her.
I suggest you grey rock the rest of your family.

I would take a step back from all and block but not before sending basically what youve written above. How cheeky she expected you there to save paying for a band/dj. There wont be any loss by the sounds of it. Did any of them show concern for you and DH condition? Fuck them off

How awful for you but I have a bit of a bonkers M and the only solution I've found that works is to grey rock.

I would say expect the Flying Monkeys but you've already had your "D"A getting in touch.

I'm sorry that your DH is unwell too

Sorry about your DH , hope he is on the mend . Your sister is an absolutely vile , talking about your son like that how dare she ! Tell her exactly how vile she is point out all she has done then block her .

Don't waste your time on them. ignore all the flying monkeys and your sister. Block if you have to. And then tell all your friends the very funny story of how you were invited to a wedding - only to provide the entertainment.

Good lord what a bunch of self centred twats.
Tell them what you think of them, they're no loss are they OP?
Her attitude towards your DS puts her beyond the pale.

In this situation the only way to win is to refuse to play. So calmly answer whatever is raised.
Buy some time to think with a 'Really? Did you?', type response.

Then a factual answer.

'It was a last minute invitation so I couldn't get an overnight carer or hotel.'
'Yes, I'd have loved to spend more time with you, but they seated me somewhere else and asked me to perform.'

'Yes it's a shame it always turns into arguments. I'd prefer to get along.'

Honestly don't respond to what feels like an attack, respond to the actual point- you didn't spend time with us- because it's true. You couldn't.

Very selfish all of them. However completely cutting off is painful and I wouldn't recommend it. I did it for 10 years and I regret it. Try if you can to be kind, have less involvement but don't cut off completely. Just keep repeating that you had to get back for care duties.

You've been nothing but lovely and your family have been awful. I’d honestly tell them all to Fuck Off with their nastiness then block the lot of them. You don’t need people like that in your life.

They all sound fucking mental

Pickled and puzzled is right. Genius.

What a bunch of c**ts!

I'd either let rip and tell her who she is, or just completely cut her off.
Also the family member that told you that you should Bury the hatchet is a twat. I'd cut them off too. That itself is almost triggering to me. I had to deal with arsehole relatives putting my parents thru that shit for 20 years until they saw for themselves the siblings my dad went NC with were diabolical human beings. It was horrible. Should have NCd the lot!

“I was invited as a guest, and only informed I was expected to work once I’d arrived. If you have a problem with the wedding, I’d suggest taking it up with the bride, who was well informed as to my need to leave by 7pm and made the seating arrangements.”

I’d keep my tone mild, even faintly amused, but would be truthful about what had happened.

You’re a better woman than I. I’d have stared blankly, then said, “I was invited as a guest, not to perform a gig. No thank you.”

Do you think your parents persuaded her to invite you by offering you up as entertainment? No sane person would expect you to apologise unless they didn’t realise you were never asked.

It is crazy that she barely talks to you. Anya expected you to put in hours of labour for her wedding. You’re clearly kind OP.

I'd not play along with them blaming you.
'sorry, wedding didn't turn out as you hoped, it was a bit of a disappointment for me too, sadly I couldn't spend time with my children/parents as I was unexpectedly asked to perform'

They sound really awful.

OP, so sorry your father is unwell.

Do whatever suits you.

Mute them all including your parents.

The one thing that always strikes me about NC crew on MN, are the words, bliss, calm and peace.

Take some and ignore the lot.

They sound truly awful.

I'm so sorry.

Your husband is unwell! Apologies.

Wow they are all arseholes !! I hate confrontation too - you've been used in a horrible way , treated like shit and I would not be wanting a single other thing to do with your sister if I were you! Hope hubby is on the mend ❤️‍🩹

Your family are batshit.

If you have the energy I'd reply as others have suggested, with simple facts but non antagonistically and then move on. It sounds like you have enough on your plate and you'll never get it right by your family anyway so stop trying.

Think I would WhatsApp everyone.

1. I was invited on x date.
2. At no point was I asked or told I was to provide music
3. I told WS on Y date when I accepted the invitation that I would have to leave at 7pm to get home due to DH care needs.
4. I spent the day playing a guitar (I didn't know I was going to play see point 2 above) or sat on a table away from the rest of the family.
5. Thanks for asking after DH, his health continues to deteriorate and getting care for him his very difficult especially with only x weeks notice.

Preferably forward all invites and messages with it then block the lot of them.

Thanks for this. I have spent all week ruminating over it and feeling increasingly angry and working myself up. Then I second guess myself and wonder whether I’m just spiralling myself into a state over nothing. Would love to go nuts at them all, would be cathartic, but would achieve nothing. I’ll step back from them all for a bit, focus on home and see how it goes.

You’re quite correct - no one asked about DH. It makes me so sad. He is starting to mend and I am so grateful. DS is catching up developmentally as well - leaps and bounds. Our lives are on the up in so many ways and I will focus on that instead of peripheral relatives who are less than positive.

I think all you can do is reassure yourself that you behaved decently towards them on the wedding day and did your best to communicate. You can't change how they behave towards you.

Agree with PP, reply with simple facts and don't get drawn into an argument. With difficult people you never win, you just get dragged down.

I’d give it to them all out. That you were pleased to bury the hatchet and had a lovely time but was upset to realise afterwards that you were only invited for the music.