Family wedding drama

[SmallTreeDeepRoots]

It’s about a wedding (sorry). Have namechanged for obvious reasons!

My sister got married last weekend. We are not really in touch and have exchanged maybe a handful of whatsapps in the last 10 years. I distanced myself because she was repeatedly very rude about my DS when he was smaller (he was developmentally delayed, she called him a retard etc., made fun of him and I found it easier to just keep her at arms length rather than get pointlessly angry). We have a third sister and another brother, plus both parents still alive. My parents don’t get on with third sister. So we all tend to meet up separately anyway.

I found out wedding sister (WS) was getting married just before Christmas. Everyone was invited apart from me. That was fine. It’s her day, and we are not close by any stretch of the imagination! My parents were upset I was not invited, as they were going to see Third Sister (and her child) for the first time in a long while, and were hoping for some sort of magical family reunion. I said that if I was invited, I would gladly come. But wasn’t going to gatecrash someone’s wedding. I sent WS a card to congratulate her and wish her well. Months went by, and I heard nothing and that was honestly fine. Mid May I had a WhatsApp out of the blue inviting me & family. DH is not well at the moment, but I found someone to look after him for the day and accepted invite for me & both DC. In my reply I say that we would need to leave at about 7pm-ish to get the train home to DH and relieve carer.

Arrived at the wedding venue on Saturday. All fine. Ceremony lovely and we all head outside to mill about with drinks etc. WS pulls me to one side and asks where I’ve left my music gear (I play guitar and some other instruments and do some amateur bands/groups as a hobby). I said I didn’t bring it and no one had mentioned anything. Much pouting, then someone runs home and gets a guitar and I am embarrassed into playing background music for about an hour. I’m uncomfortable abandoning DC (apart from two babies, they are the only kids there), but they settle with nearby with my brother and seem ok. I don’t want to make a scene and wreck the wedding.

We are seated for the meal, I am on the opposite side of the room to all my family, but I put it down to being a last minute inclusion. We make friends with our table mates and have a nice time. Then afterward meal, speeches etc WS hisses at me to start playing again. It’s about 6.45pm and I say sorry, we have to go in 15 minutes. My parents get involved and it is all long faces about no music for the entire evening and how selfish I am being leaving everyone in the lurch. I say I’m sorry about that, but I had no idea I was supposed to be entertaining everyone, and that I have to get back to the train station to get home. I say my goodbyes, congratulate bride & groom, and quietly head off with DC.

Since then, I have had so many messages from WS accusing me of being petulant and ruining the wedding. Messages from my parents who are disappointed that their magical family reunion did not happen and that I hardly spent any time with my family at the wedding (obviously because I was performing or sat miles away from everyone, and had to leave early). Had I been invited sooner, there would have been more chance to being able to arrange overnight care so we could stay longer. But now it seems like I was only invited (at the last minute) because WS wanted some free music. My aunt got in touch to say that it was about time I “buried the hatchet” with WS so that we could all be civilised. Frankly I do not have the energy to rake it all up again. And I don’t feel I should be apologising for anything. I think WS has continued being rude to me and my family. I have tried so hard not to be confrontational and forcing the family to take sides etc. But now I’m wondering whether I should either make the massive scene I’ve been avoiding for years or just cut them all out of my life for the sake of my sanity. I don’t have anyone to bounce these thoughts off at the moment, and if you’ve got this far I really appreciate it!

Actually this. Factual and unemotional

You're a better woman than me OP. I'd have told them all exactly what twats they were being. And told Aunt that the only one welding a hatchet is your bloody sister, so mither her about it because you don't want to hear it.

Perhaps tell them they all know where you are when they're ready to apologise, and until then you're not interested in hearing from them. And just leave it at that, ignore any comms that aren't an apology. Grey rock.

I'm so, so pleased that you left at 7pm and were not bullied into somehow staying longer.

It reads like you have put some boundaries in place but are so used to placating others that this onslaught of criticism has you doubting yourself.

Please don't.

You did nothing wrong, rather you bent over backwards to please your sister.

I'm sorry your sister treated you so badly, @SmallTreeDeepRoots. I wonder who else (your Aunt?) knew you were being invited just so you could sing for your supper. I'm afraid your sister is vile and your Aunt not far behind in the way they've treated you.

I think you are right to step back for now, raise your boundaries high around yourself, husband and children - and don't allow yourself to be manipulated. I'm glad your husband is starting to get better. Take care OP. 🌹

It's really sad when families turn out like this and I'm sorry for you, but, to be honest I could picture this scene in my head and it's almost comical...it's like a weird sort of Gavin and Stacey/Catherine Tate episode..Great respect to you for not ruining the bride's day.
Not many of us would have put up with this sort of disrespectful batshit nonsense. Glad your husband is on the mend and your life is going well.

Solidarity from another sane person with a batshit family.

They obviously had lots of expectations, none of which were communicated to you.

My sibling would like me to have a good relationship with her DC but is rude to me the whole time I visit. I've stopped dropping in & they don't involve me, but it's my fault for not being the better person & not making enough effort. Batshit.

There was a lovely piece in the Guardian last weekend about sibling issues. One comment stuck with me, let it be is easier than let it go.

Treat them like the weather, they blow in, bluster, then get blown away again.

Brene Brown is a good read on boundaries.

Hope DH mends well.

This is all that needs to be said. Honestly, they are proper mental.

You sound like a better person than all of them. They sound like nightmares and like you are only there to please them and do what they want. They sound like users. I would take a massive step back and focus on your family. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and they only bring more drama your way.

Goodness this is batshit crazy

You are the only one here who is NOT unreasonable. You went beyond to be nice. For your own sake distance yourself.

They all sound very hard work OP.

Just one thing you said didn't quite make sense to me. You said you were invited last minute, too late to organise staying over etc. But you also said you were invited mid-May. Given that it's now nearly mid-July is that really last minute? I realise getting carers may be difficult of course, but if you use the 'last-minute' excuse to your family you will need to explain this bit clearly.

Overall, I wouldn't waste too much time worrying about them. Reinterate that you weren't asked to provide music beforehand and that you had also made it known beforehand that you needed to leave when you did, and explain why. You've done nothing wrong.

I wouldn't cut them off, but try not to let them upset you.

They all seem mad as hatters.

I said last-minute when I was talking about the seating plan for the meal. I assumed I was seated far away from the rest of the family as I had been a late inclusion on the guest list. But it was tricky to find someone to look after DH while we were out all day - an overnight stay would only have been doable with a lot more notice.

At different stages in our lives we need different notice periods to mobilise - I fondly remember deciding to do something, grabbing my coat and waltzing out of the door!

This was actually the sentence I was referring to OP, not the bit about the seating plan -

But now it seems like I was only invited (at the last minute) because WS wanted some free music.

That said, I'm not at all disputing that you needed more time to mobilise and plan. My comment was intended more as a warning that the bride or your family may not agree that the invitation was late. It might be better to avoid the phrase 'last minute' when talking with them and instead make very clear to them the considerable time it takes to organise carers etc.